I’d lost her at some point during the party. The place was full of her work friends. I’d been in the kitchen talking to one of her colleagues about football when I realised I hadn’t seen her in ages. I headed off to look for her, thinking she’d be in the living room. I don’t know what made me glance out into the yard, but there she was, half-hidden in the darkness.
She was on her knees with her dress hitched up around her waist. She had her back to me, but her head was bobbing up and down, and by the look on the guy’s face and how he threw his head back every so often, it was clear what she was doing.
I watched his face as she sucked him. I knew what he was feeling. She’d sucked me often enough. I couldn’t hear him, but it was easy enough to lip-read “oh fuck!”
I watched him start to cum. I watched his fingers grip the back of her head and push her face down onto him. I wanted to open the door and go out there and stop it, but I didn’t... I couldn’t. I just stood there and watched until she stood up to kiss him as her fingers reached under her dress to tug her knickers down.
I couldn’t bear to see what happened next. I went back to the kitchen to wait for her, knocking back the bottle of beer in my hand and reaching for another.
It was twenty minutes before she came to look for me. She smiled and asked if I was okay as she rubbed my hair. I didn’t know what to say, so I just nodded and said, “I’m fine.”
When we got home, I pushed her against the wall as soon as the front door closed and pawed at her clothes. I dragged her, semi-naked, to the bedroom and threw her on the bed. It was rough, emotionless, hate-fuelled sex. I was just using her to get off.
And she loved it. She said it was the best sex we’d ever had.
That was weeks ago, and I still haven’t said anything. Every time I look at her, I see her on her knees, and that look on his face. He works with her. They’re probably fucking every day.
It hurts. But the pain fuels the hatred, and the sex has never been better. I hate myself, but I can’t stop. It’s addictive.
