Fucking Barber

12/21/12

Noah and Teddy just finished a joint and are waxing intellectual around the coffee table at Teddy's parents house. Neither of which are using the coasters provided by Teddy's mother.

"You believe in that nonsense?" Noah dismissively asked as he flipped through the channels, settling on the news.

"You never know, those Aztecs--"

"Mayans," Noah inserted.

"Those Mayans," Teddy continued. "Those fucking Mayans knew about calculus and building pyramids, the fucking cosmos and all that crazy shit. How do fools know about that when they're running around with spears, eating each other's hearts, talking 'bout 'look at me, look at this jaguar fur on my head'?"

"That was the Aztecs."

"Whatever dude, you know what I mean. those fools knew shit, like higher power shit."

"So they foresaw when the world was going to end but they couldn't foresee the Spaniards kicking their asses all over the Americas?"

"Dude... America didn't even exist back then." Teddy laughed and got up to grab another soda, shaking his head.

Noah blinked rapidly like if trying to erase what his friend had just said out of his memory. He leaned back in Mr. Shehan's recliner and continued watching the news. Mary and Collin Shehan had driven up to the mountains for the week, entrusting their house to their son Teddy and his younger sister D'arcy. On the television a young Asian reporter, struggling to hold herself up against violent winds, was going on about the biggest hurricane in history before it cut to a middle aged white man in a studio. He added a few things about the escalating hurricane on the American east coast before cutting to the first few images of a massive earthquake in Honduras. In Sydney a fire threatened to consume half the city and in Venice reports were coming in that the water level was rising dangerously quick.

"That's how it starts man, look at all the crazy things happening. You think that's a coincidence? What if the world really does end tonight and we're going to spend it here at my parent's house getting stoned, playing video games and babysitting my fucking sister," Teddy said as he emerged from the kitchen.

"It's already Mayan Doomsday in Australia and nothing happened though."

"Who the fuck are you fool... Agent Scully? You trying to be my hot skeptic in a snug business suit? Did the Mayans live in Australia? No. Did the Mayans even know Australia existed? No. They lived in Mexico where tomorrow is still tomorrow, hancho," Teddy explained before sitting back down on the couch.

"What do you suggest we do? Go out and get laid? Go out with a bang just in case? You're not even twenty-one yet. I don't feel like scoping the hick chicks hanging at the In-and-Out parking lot. Bars are the best bet, or hookers... Or if we could get some coke...but, after last time, I don't know man."

"Yeah I know, last time was a fucking nightmare... What the fuck to do." Teddy started rolling another joint. "Dude! Let's have a party here, tonight. Fuck it!" Teddy's eyes widened.

"Your dad will shit."

"I'm twenty, I don't have a job, and I'm not in college... My dad shits everyday man. What's one more shit? I should probably get him diapers for Father's Day."

"I'm guessing the keg is on me?" Noah raised his eyebrow.

"You're the one with the I.D. and that hairstylist money."

"I'm a fucking barber. Do you see me perming your mom's hair? Bitch."

"Dude, Relax... Spread the word on Facebook, text fools, text every single chick we know. I'll trick D'arcy into inviting her hot little fun-sized friends too. Then after networking this party socially, go get the keg. Dos Equis Ambe--"

"Coors Light. Maybe if I styled hair too I could afford Dos Equis."

"But Dos Equi--"

"COORS Light."

"Okay fine, Coors Light. But Mayans, Mexican beer... It would be appropriate, but okay Coors light. I am going to go get drugs and red cups and a table and make Jeff bring his DJ shit over here and all that. Fuck, I'm getting excited. We should make a huge ass beer bong." Teddy raised his right hand and opened his palm. "Right here bro, up high!"

"A gravity bong too!" Noah said, standing up to give Teddy an over-exaggerated high five like in an 80's teen movie. "I'm going to need a computer."

"Use D'arcy's laptop. She's in her room channeling every bit of her teen angst onto the canvas using all the colors of the wind. It's very deep shit man," Teddy said as he slipped on his going-out-in-public slippers.

"Why do you always have to clown on her like that? she's fucking good at painting for real."

"If I told D'arcy her paintings are great, like they are - they are fucking great - She won't get better. She'll plateau 'cause she'll know she's great. Life's chess not checkers son, but it doesn't matter 'cause it's Kingdom Come. Oh shit that rhymed!"

"That's what we should call the party... Kingdom Come." Noah grinned from ear to ear.

"Kingdom Come... Fuck yeah, Kingdom Fucking Come." Teddy slowly nodded his head in agreement.



Egyptian Lover

Noah stood, pulled his jeans up a bit and rubbed his eyes. He cupped his hands over his mouth and nose and exhaled quickly. Not bad, still fresh... He thought. He strolled over to D'arcy's room at the end of the hall, the Deftones' Digital Bath getting louder as he approached. He lightly knocked on the cracked door a couple times and nudged it open.

"D'arcy?"

D'arcy stopped painting, slightly turned her head to the side and said. "Yeah."

"Dude, your hair looks badass like that. When did you do that?"

"A few days ago. I buzzed the sides then used a razor to make the Mohawk-ish comb forward thing."

"You did it yourself? It looks professional." Noah stepped into the room to get a better look. "How the hell?"

"My friend helped a little. On the back part."

"It looks really good."

"What do you want?"

"Can I use your laptop? I just need to get on facebook and tell everyone about Kingdom Come."

D'arcy's eyes alarmingly darted to her laptop laying on her bed. She tightened her glare back up and said. "Yeah go ahead, I don't need it right now."

"Cool, thanks... Is someone paying you for this one?" Noah nodded at the painting D'arcy was working on. "That's incredible how real the snake scales look and the dew on the roses... Just amazing."

"Yeah, it's a commission for a skateboard company. Are you going to use the laptop in here?"

"Um, I hadn't thought about that? But yeah, I guess I'll just use it in here." Noah took his shoes off and sat on D'arcy's bed with the computer in his lap as D'arcy went back to painting. Noah opened the laptop to a completely empty desktop except for one movie file named "Egyptynlvr" staring up at him. How can I not open the only file on her entire desktop? It's probably just a music video she made for that one song. Just a little peek, soooo curious. Can. Not. Control. Myself... Noah turned the volume down and opened the file. The movie began with a close up of D'arcy's face for several seconds before she moved back and images of her naked body filled the screen. Noah Instinctively slammed the laptop closed and looked up at D'arcy to see if she had noticed.

D'arcy turned slightly to her left to look at Noah's reflection in her vanity's mirror and asked. "You okay over there?"

"You should finally be able to get your driver's license next year, right?" Noah quickly asked.

D'arcy turned all the way around and said. "Dude, I'm eighteen." She tilted her head and stared blankly at him for several seconds before going back to painting.

"Oh yeah, that's right."

Noah began to open the laptop again when suddenly, Teddy, dressed in white silk, a halo, and angel wings appeared on his right shoulder and said. "If you watch that video and desecrate my sister's bed I swear to the Mayan Gods I will cut off your fucking balls, eat them, shit them out and make you step in it with your favorite pair of shoes you fucking traitor Noah!"

"Nooo Dude," Noah whispered.

On his left shoulder. Noah's penis dressed in red silk, sporting devil horns and a pitchfork appeared and said. "She knows you're going to watch it. She knows what she has on there. Watch it... What's the big deal? She's sexy. She ain't jailbait anymore. Watch it... It will make her little pussy so wet. C'mon let's watch it... Fuck, I'm getting hard as a rock here buddy."

"Fuck that!" The Angel Teddy inserted. "Fuck your fucking bitch dick Noah. Don't you dar--"

"You're not the boss of her Teddy," Noah whispered and blew the Angel Teddy and the Demon Noah's Penis off his shoulders. D'arcy turned her speakers up, Dragonette's I get around filling the room now. She glanced one more time at Noah's reflection in the mirror, saw him slowly opening the computer back up and continued to paint.

Noah hit play on the video clip. On the screen, D'arcy was sitting on the exact same spot he was now sitting on and slowly parted her legs. Oh my god you shave it all off... You have a belly button ring too, I had no idea... Teddy looked over the screen at D'arcy's back. Her small slender frame looked so elegant standing in front of her unfinished work. Her ass so perfect in her ripped skinny blue jeans, her leopard print leggings showing through the hole right under her left ass cheek. Tiny multicolored specks of paint randomly covered her wife beater tank-top and pale shoulders. She was wearing the same bracelets in the video that she was wearing now. She could have shot this today. Some little internet turd on the other side of the country probably gets these from her.

In the video D'arcy blew a kiss at the camera and placed her fingers in her mouth. She moved them between her legs where she inserted her middle two fingers into her pussy, her little hole snuggly hugging them as she opened her legs wider. She slid her fingers up through her folds and gave her clit a couple of light spanks before she began to rub it. She alternated between rubbing her clit and inserting her finger into herself in a way to obviously make a show of it. This is totally meant for someone to see... There is no way this is just some shit she does to watch herself or whatever.

"Are you going to cum?"

"What?" Noah blurted out. D'arcy's voice snapping him out of the trance he was in.

"I said, what's Kingdom Come?"

"Ohhh..." Get your shit together man... "Me and your brother are having a party tonight. We are calling it Kingdom Come. You know, 'cause of the Mayan Doomsday."

"Oh good, I feel like having fun tonight. It's already noon. You better start stroking to that tease."

"What?"

"Stroking those keys." D'arcy extended her left hand and mimicked typing motions. "You know, so the word gets out about Kingdom Come."

"Oh yeah for sure, just figuring out what to say."

D'arcy continued painting and Noah now saw the nude D'arcy on his screen get on all fours with her dirty end facing the camera. She reached between her legs and continued to rub herself while wiggling her small flawless ass. She adjusted slightly to look back at the camera as she continued to rub her little button between her fingers, her juices dripping down her hands. God, her pussy must be so fucking tight, I wonder if she's even been fucked before... Noah's penis was now so hard and impossible to ignore that it almost hurt.

"Fuck, I love this part, sorry." D'arcy skipped back on the song to the part where Martina Sorbara was belting out, "here I come, here I come, here I come." over and over again.

"You have got to be kidding me. I'm only human," Noah whispered and unzipped his jeans.

Here I come! Here I come! Here I come! The song blasted.

He watched her arch her back and her little fingers rubbing faster and more furiously now.

Noah began to slowly stroke his cock, hiding it behind the screen, praying D'arcy just kept painting. She reached to scrub back on the song once more causing Noah to press his dick against his stomach and hold his breath as the room went silent.

"You're sweating Noah, want some of my water?" D'arcy asked then removed her finger from her iPod allowing the song to fill the room once more.

Here I come! Here I come! Here I come!

Noah quickly shook his head no, waited for her to turn back around and quickly snatched a Kleenex from her bed stand. He continued to stroke his cock as he watched D'arcy hump into her hand for several minutes until she thrust forward into her bed and stayed in that position followed by a few short rapid bucks. She's fucking cumming, oh God that's so hot, look at her go... Shit, now I'm cumming. The first blast of cum shot out before he could catch it in the kleenex and landed on D'arcy's laptop, missing the keys, fortunately.

"How you coming along over there?" D'arcy asked.

"I'm coming fine." Oh my fucking God, why did you say it like that?

"Good, because my hands are cramping up, I've been using them all morning. I need a break. Let me help with the party?"

"Okay, uh, let me just finish the invitation real quick." Noah quickly balled up the Kleenex and put it in his pocket while simultaneously zipping up his pants in one smooth motion.

Like a masturbation ninja.



Kingdom Come

"Dude this thing is fucking vicious!" Teddy said as he held up the beer bong. "This is like a two inch hose and it's four feet long...and this fucking valve. Man this thing is going to knock people on their asses."

"D'arcy went to Home Depot and got all the shit. I just need to finish making the gravity bong."

"It was so obvious. The cashier guy was like, 'so you having a party?'," D'arcy laughed and handed Noah a glass bowl (the kind used for smoking marijuana). "He even offered to buy me beer if I needed someone over 21."

"I couldn't get a keg but we went to like seven places to grab every 40 they had, vodka too. We should be good," Noah said as he put the bowl down. He pulled out his pocket knife and began to dig the blade into the cap of a five gallon jug of water. He poked the tip through and gave it a couple of twists, leaving a small hole. He put his knife down, flicked on his lighter and began to heat the center of the plastic cap where he had made the hole. Once the plastic started to melt, he pushed the stem of the bowl through the cap creating an air tight seal once the plastic dried. D'arcy handed him a saw and he cut the bottom of the five gallon jug off while Teddy filled a tub full of water.

"You first D'arcy," Teddy said. He placed the bottle in the tub and packed the bowl as full as he could. He capped the bottle, grabbed the neck and motioned for Noah to hand him the lighter. Teddy lit the flame and burned the kush while carefully pulling the bottle out of the water, allowing gravity to slowly milk the weed and fill the bottle with smoke. "Hold the neck and be careful not to suck water down your throat at the end like a dumbass."

"I'm not stupid." D'arcy bent down, held the neck and Teddy removed the cap. She placed her mouth on the opening and sucked in the thick smoke as she let the bottle slowly drop back into the water. She stood up and immediately let the smoke out and began to violently cough for several minutes.

"That's it let it out... Raise your hands, that helps with the coughing," Teddy said.

D'arcy raised her arms but continued to cough making the guys immediately start laughing.

"Fuck," She coughed. "You!"

"That's it sailor," Teddy comforted and patted her back.

"Shit... It pushed it into my fucking lungs... I'm so gone," D'arcy said and cleared her throat.

"You did the whole fucking thing!" Noah laughed. "I'm impressed."

"I'm going to go chill and wait till sundown," D'arcy said and walked back into the house."

"Looks like now we play the waiting game. Want a line?" Teddy offered.

"I thought you didn't have any."

"I couldn't resist picking some up when I got the E and weed. Incase the world isn't ending, help me sell the pills? I'll only take a profit once everything we both spent is back in our pockets."

"Of course."

The sun had gone down several hours ago and Collin Shehan's recycling bin was over flowing with empty bottles. A mini orgy between the Home Depot clerk, his girlfriend and another couple that showed up with D'arcy's friends was happening in the pool while half the party watched. The gravity bong had gone through several bowl cleanings and the beer bong had induced a dozen blackouts. Inside, the depravity continued. In the kitchen, Teddy and his closest friends were winning the war against a three liter bottle of Jack Daniels. Across the way, heads were rolling, turning the living room into a thirty person game of half-naked filthy twister.

Noah made his way out of the mess of bodies and began to stumble down the hallway. He entered the bathroom, turned the water on and splashed his face.

"Woooo fuck... I'm fucked up," Noah said as he exhaled. He moved really close to the mirror and opened his eyes to look at his pupils and laughed. He splashed water on his face again and just stood there staring at his reflection until he started to feel the bass coming through wall. Noah shut the water off and stepped out into the mostly dark hallway save the purple glow coming from D'arcy's cracked door. The music was louder and clearer now. He recognized the song immediately, Egyptynlvr.

I see you boy
But you don't holla at me
I think you're shy
I'll show you what to do
I'll be your dog
Come to you when you call me...

Noah slowly approached the light. Time felt like it had stopped. The noise of the party completely drowned out by the intoxicating beat coming from behind the door. I'm walking toward a light at the end of a tunnel on doomsday night... Noah laughed to himself.

You make me hot
You know I'm hot
You got me going crazy...

Noah gently pushed the door open and stepped in.

You blow my mind
You know I'm hot
You got me goin' crazy...

Inside, Behind smoke dancing in the black light, Noah saw D'arcy. She was nude and approaching him, the smoke swirled behind her as she grabbed onto the fabric of his shirt and pushed him into the door, closing it behind him.

"This song sounds different than last time I heard it," Noah clumsily said.

"It's a remix," D'arcy whispered into his ear while simultaneously unzipping his jeans. "I knew you watched myEgyptynlvr movie on my computer. That was private..." She gently rubbed her nose on his before biting his bottom lip and tugging down on it as she squatted. Her face was now in front of his crotch with her hands pulling his jeans down. She took his semi hard cock in her palm and began to stroke it as she leaned in to take his balls into her mouth. Noah raised his shirt over his head and tossed it on the ground.

He reached down to grab his cock by the base and pointed it at D'arcy's mouth while wrapping his other hand on the back of her head. She didn't hesitate to open her mouth and take him almost all the way in before he slid back out. She placed her hands on his thighs and looked up at him as he fucked her mouth. he went deeper and deeper until she began to gag and he pulled out. I'm such a bastard.

Noah picked her up off the ground and tossed her on the bed. He placed his hands on her small hips and put her on her knees at the edge of the mattress. He let go of her hips, placed the head of his hard uncut dick at her entrance and rubbed up and down, spreading her juices until he felt D'arcy's wiggling ass push back into him. Noah drove the glazed head of his cock in, splitting D'arcy's tight pink entrance. He began to stroke in and out, feeling like he was splitting her again with each time he entered. He pushed down on D'arcy's back and began to brutally fuck her pussy causing her nipples to brush against the bed spread with each thrust.

"I want to get on top," D'arcy managed to say between heavy sighs and crawled away from Noah. She instructed him to sit in an arm chair and climbed on top of him. She placed her sopping cunt on his dick and sat down until his balls were resting in the bottom cleft of her ass.

"Mmmmm yes, you're stretching me open..." She moaned before wrapping her hands around his neck and slamming into him. Noah reached up and cupped her small breasts in his hands as she fucked him, her sweat beginning to drip onto his body. He moved his right hand away from her breast and down her slim toned side to her ass. He reached between her cheeks and rubbed her asshole with the pad of his finger.

"Do it," D'arcy moaned into his ear.

Noah pushed the tip of his middle finger into D'arcy's ass. He wiggled in to about his second knuckle and felt her clenching her little hole as she continued to fuck him.

"I'm going to fuck your ass D'arcy. I want you to bend over the vanity."

D'arcy placed her hands on the top of the vanity and waited for Noah. She felt one of his hands grip her firmly on the shoulder and the head of his cock making it's way between her cheeks. Noah watched her eyes widen in the mirror's reflection as he began to feel her open up to take his cock up her tightest hole.

"D'ARCY WE HAVE TO GO!" Teddy yelled as he came bursting in through the door. "NOAH? What the FUCK is going on? You fucking traitor!"

"TEDDY GET OUT!" D'arcy screamed.

"The house is on fire you little whore! We have to get out, NOW!"



End Times

The sun was now directly overhead and Teddy, Noah and D'arcy sat together, on the curb, on the other side of the street from where the charred remains of the Shehan house were still smoking. The last of the firefighters and ambulances had left hours ago and all the neighbors had gone back inside.

"My paints," D'arcy said into her sweatshirt which was covering half her face.

"Fuck your paints D'arcy. We are dead, do you understand? DEAD! We are going to wish the world ended. Shit, it might as well have for us."

"For you... This wasn't my idea. I don't believe in Mayans."

"We don't have to tell him we had a party. There's no evidence. How did the fire start anyway?" Noah asked Teddy.

"Don't fucking talk to me you rat bastard," Teddy said then mumbled something inaudible under his breath.

"What?" Noah and D'arcy asked in unison.

"I tried to..." Teddy mumbled again.

"What?" The pair repeated.

"I tried to light my fart and the curtain caught fire alright," Teddy spit out.

D'arcy removed her face from her sweatshirt and began saying. "You are the most stupid, biggest fuck up on th--"

"Shut up, he's here! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck."

Collin Shehan stepped out of his white Ford Bronco, dressed in all black and approached his burned down home. They saw him throw his hat to the ground and stomp on it multiple times while yelling obscenities neither of them had ever heard before.

"Dude... What's a shit whistle?" Noah whispered.

Collin Shehan finally noticed where they were seated and began to slowly walk over to them, rubbing his temples. They looked up at him, the sun creating a halo around his bald head as he lowered his hands and turned them into fists. All three gulped simultaneously and waited for him to speak.

"I hope you three are ready for Hell. There will be no Purgatory for you."

"Fucking Mayan bitches," Teddy whispered in defeat.

"What was that boy?"

"Nothing Sir."





THE END