Let me tell you about Albert. He lives down my road and he’s much older than me, always talking about sex, and flirting. He can’t help himself.
Albert lost his wife many years ago and lives alone. He doesn’t drive and, because the bus service in our village is spasmodic, I often give him a lift to the big shops. I don’t actually remember how I got roped into being his personal chauffeur, it just kind of happened.
Countless times I asked him to cease his lewd behaviour — but it only made him worse. He was forever saying things like, “Come on, darling, just a quick roll in the sack with Albert. Your husband will never know.” Or, “Let me have a look at those lovely breasts. Just a little feel; you may enjoy it.” Anyway, I think you get the idea. Probably you know someone just like him. I know he’s harmless really; he just gets on my nerves.
One shopping day changed everything. I arrived at his house a little early to find Albert was still in his dressing gown and pyjamas. “Hello my lovely lady, is today going to be my lucky day?” he said with his usual lustful grin. I rolled my eyes and told him to get dressed. When he went upstairs, I was standing in the hall behind the front door which had large glass panels. I saw two figures walking down his path.
Before they could knock, I opened the door. Two very smartly dressed young men were smiling and carrying leaflets about Jesus. The taller man asked me if I was interested in salvation. Amazing as it may sound, within two seconds I’d hatched a plot to teach Albert a lesson he’d never forget.
I invited the men inside, asking them to keep their voices down as I’d just got my baby off to sleep. I directed them into the lounge and asked them to be seated. I quickly explained that I was a lapsed Christian and would love to get back on the righteous path. I’m not sure how many doors they must knock before finding anyone interested in what they had to offer. I’m guessing they probably thought they’d struck gold with me.
I asked them to wait while I put the kettle on to make a pot of tea. I said I wouldn’t be very long and they were happy to wait and accept my offer of refreshments. But I went upstairs and knocked on Albert’s bedroom door. “I’m nearly ready,” he said. “Or would you like to come in and take advantage of me?” He opened the door and I saw he was fixing his tie. I also noticed his wardrobe was open and still contained his late wife’s clothing. My plan was about to take a devious turn.
I looked him in the eye and said, “I will make love to you today but not in your marital bed. We’ll do it in the lounge and you mustn’t tell anyone. Okay?”
His eyes lit up but, as he moved toward me, I put an arm out and said, “One other thing: I want you to make love to me wearing a dress, a red dress.”
I could see several in the wardrobe and I told him I had a kink about being made love to by a man wearing a red dress. He immediately agreed and I said I would be waiting, naked, in the lounge. I knew it would take him a minute or two to change clothes and that’s all the time I needed.
Back in the hall, I composed myself before popping my head around the lounge door. I told the gentlemen I would be with them in a moment. They seemed quite happy and I went into the kitchen — and quietly left by the back door. I was giggling so much I almost wet myself thinking of poor Albert putting on a dress, believing this was his lucky day.
I honestly can’t imagine what went through his mind when he walked into the lounge, wearing a dress with an obvious bulge in the groin area, and finding two well-dressed strangers sitting there. Whatever, it must have been a peach of a picture, not forgetting, of course, the two men: what did they think? Oh, to be a fly on that wall.
Yes, I know I’m wicked, and I guess I’m not going to heaven. On the positive side, Albert never flirted with me again. If there is a moral to this little story, it’s: be careful what you wish for.
