MEMO

Donna Getenny - Chairman

Women’s Council for the Preservation of Everheart City Park

1145 E. West Street

Everheart, ND

Re:  The Summer Fundraiser Problem

Dear Chairman Getenny,

You asked me to investigate and report to you about the unfortunate occurrences at this year’s summer fundraiser for the preservation of Everheart City Park. This is my report and conclusions.

As you well know now, in the spring, Mona Lott made a powerful argument that the Council was losing out on significant funding by relying on pot luck donations, bake sales and car washes to raise funds for Everheart Park. She pointed out that one thing the women’s council had in abundance was breasts. Every woman on the council had a pair, and we could raise more money faster with our breasts than with a plateful of cookies. Men who wouldn’t open their wallets for a pulled pork sandwich or a pineapple upside-down cake would pull out the bills like no tomorrow if it meant a chance to see a pair of tits. 

So after much discussion, the Council decided to raise money through a booth at the Summer Solstice Festival in which we would show our breasts for donations. 

Things went well at first. We rented and set up a medium-sized tent in the park and put up a sign that told the good things the Council did for the park and then invited people into the tent to look at our tits for a donation of five dollars. 

The tent opened at 11:00 A.M, along with all the other festival concessions. Mona was there. She has delightful tits and elicited smiles and cheers from the guys by hopping up and down and doing jumping jacks. Olga Swensen was there, and her big Swedish tits were particularly popular with the local farmers. As the line in front of the tent grew, more and more Council members decided they wanted their tits to be part of the event and started shedding their blouses. The thinking was, more tits, more money.

However, there was trouble brewing, caused partially by the box of wine that had been opened in the back of the tent to make it easier for our more modest members to lift their blouses. It seems that a few of the ladies, after hitting the wine pretty hard, decided that if tits could bring in money, perhaps their other womanly charms would bring in even more. Agnes Moorehead started it by lifting her skirt to reveal a thong so small that it left nothing to the imagination. This offended Lacy Bandover who claimed Agnes had broken the agreement that the show would be limited to tits and would not include butts and pussies. Agnes appealed to Helga Ogleson who was in charge of the concession. Helga ruled Agnes’s thong was okay because it technically covered both Agnes’s pussy crack and her asshole. This did not please Lacy who said if Agnes could wear a thong then Lacy was going to put on her see-through panties and really give the guys something to look at.

Helga went outside the tent to calm Lacy, and while they were talking, Mona let Ed Hegelson squeeze her boobies for ten dollars. Not to be out-fundraised by Mona, Ginger Pach told Max Pounder that for a twenty-dollar donation, he could stick his hand down her pants. 

When Helga came back from calming down Lucy, she found most of the ladies having their tits bounced, patted, fondled, and pinched. Max had Ginger pinned against a tent pole with a hand down the front of her panties while the two of them sucked face. Two of the ladies, ignoring all the rules, were stark naked dancing on the donation table and taking turns trying to pick up dollar bills with their buttocks.

Helga did her best to return things to order, but the pussy was out of the bag, so to speak. News of what was happening spread throughout the festival, causing a rush toward the tent. A fight started between two farmers trying to push their way in and then the police arrived.

Officer Johnson from the Everheart Police Department had to fire a warning shot in order to bring some order to the park. He closed down the tent, ordered the ladies to get dressed and go home. He was about to write us a citation, but Freeda Allmen saved the day by offering to take him out back and give him a blowjob. The way it went down with Freeda and Officer Johnson suggested to many of the onlookers that Freeda had some prior experience with Officer Johnson’s johnson. But whether that is true or not, Frida deserves credit for stepping up to the plate and taking a mouthful for the team. Her selfless commitment to the Council saved us a significant amount in fines and legal bills.

The upshot is that we raised more money than we ever have in a fundraising event, but we are also banned from future events for ten years. Mona Lott, who suggested the idea in the first place, has resigned from the council and is now working Wednesday nights at the Tits-N-Tacos strip club. 

I think it will be possible for the Council to put all this behind us. After all that has happened, it is unlikely we will be able to return to selling cookies, but Amy Spredenshowit was telling me how this lady up in Cando filled the rooms of the previously empty PTA meetings by sitting behind a table in a manner that let the audience see up her skirt. I was thinking maybe we could host a series of panel discussions featuring several of our members sitting at a table and discussing topics of local interest. We should put that on the agenda for our next meeting.

Yours Truly,

Tina Tigbits