"Jewelry, my dear, jewelry!"

Hold my fingers two incles apart, "This is six inches!"

"No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you are thinking!"

Who the hell runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?

The group at the table started cracking up at every line.  They were so loud some of the other patrons were complaining to the management.  The servers tried to quiet them down, but in moments another line would be tossed out and their laughter would go wild again.

"No, we ride the camels to town to meet women!"

"SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

“My Mom says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

The whole thing started before lunch with the old gang.  They were a group of people who had worked really well on a pretty large project.  Even though the project was long over, the group often met for lunch.  Just before they headed out, Ezra made her big announcement, she told everyone that Peter had popped the question and she was getting married!  The group was thrilled for her and amidst all the congratulatory messages, one guy was stood there with a slightly pensive look on his face, but she couldn't talk to him about it because the group was breaking up into different vehicles to go to lunch.

"You will in about nine months."

"No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."

"No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

"Is it in?"

Elza was a little puzzled.  After all, Eddie was one of her best friends, and someone she thought would be ecstatic for her.  She also knew he was happily married, so it wasn't like there was anything that might have happened between them for that and one other reason, this group knew as well.  She was a virgin and possibly the only almost thirty-year-old virgin left in South Carolina.

"Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Her Mom fainted.

"Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

"My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

"Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions."

It hadn't always been easy to not give it away these days, but for a number of reasons, she decided to wait until she met the one!  Yes, all jokes aside about his name being Peter didn't matter to her at all.  He was the one for her and after months of dating, he finally asked the question she had been praying for.  The only downside is the wedding was going to be at his family's place on the West Coast, so most of the gang here wouldn't be there.  In many ways, they were closer to her than most of her family.

"If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.

"If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

"Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

"Isn't he a little old to be believing in genies?"

Ezra knew she would have to talk to Eddie after lunch, but in the meantime, they had a large table reserved at their favorite place.  A nice pub not far from the area where they all worked now.  Catherine was in the middle of a story when Eddie just started cracking up.

"Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds."

"Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Year!"

"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."

"You know? Your wife IS better."

Everyone stopped talking and just looked at him.  Eddie was known for having a good sense of humor, but he was laughing so hard hse had tears in his eyes.  Elza didn't understand either, but she couldn't help laughing with him.  It was infectious, pretty soon the whole table was laughing without a clue as to why.

"If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."

"You liar! You've been playing golf!"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

The elderly man answered, "Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup."

Everyone slowly calmed down and waited for Eddie to explain himself.  It seemed to take a long time as every time he tried to speak something else would occur to him and whatever it was, it would set him off again. Finally, he got control of himself and looked sheepishly at the group.  Then he got this wicked gleam in his eye that was always a warning sign in the past.  The group waited with bated breath.

"As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

"Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I know the length of yours, but you won't know the depth of mine."

 "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

"He's probably playing golf with his friends."

Eddie explained, "I just want you to imagine Ezra flying back from California after getting married and enjoying her honeymoon.  Seriously picture this, she's sitting on the plane next to Peter and, like all newlyweds, they can't keep their hands off each other.  It almost embarrassing, but they didn't care.  When all of a sudden...

The woman says "No, they're still green, but I noticed the cucumbers grew four inches!"

She says, "I'm imagining how they make condoms."

"Regular price, five bucks, five bucks!"

"Well, I need to gargle it before she sits in it."

Eddie continued... "All of a sudden, our no-longer-virginal Ezra gets the punch line of every dirty joke she had ever heard.  While she may have laughed when she heard them, now they actually made sense.

"When a mosquito gets slapped they stop sucking."

"And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

"I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's fucking Goofy!"

"It was great, but an hour later I was STILL horny!"

The group paused for a moment and the first one laughing was Ezra as her face turned a deep red.  In a second the entire group was laughing hard, both at what Eddie had put into their collective dirty minds, but Ezra's reaction to it.  She got redder and the group laughed harder and harder as they started throwing out the punchline of every dirty joke any of them had ever heard.

 "I guess a spanking is out of the question?"

"No!" said the Invisible Man, "But my ass sure hurts like hell!"

"Lie to me, Pinocchio, lie to me!"

"Twenty bucks, same as in town!"