It started in a small way, on one little website, where people went to chat and share smutty stories. The first sign was when the mods noticed there was a drop in members blocking each other. A blip? No, after several weeks the trend was clear, and was gathering pace. Fewer and fewer people were receiving messages they didn't want. No longer was the site awash with unsolicited dick pics, and everyone was suddenly meeting the person of their dreams in the chats. The matches were the exact physical type each most desired, and had sexual proclivities that perfectly complimented their most cherished fantasies. All around the world, the site's users were getting off on each other's messages, and were just wanking themselves into delirium.
Word started to get out about the miracle matches, and more and more people joined the site, causing it to crash. By this time, though, the big dating apps were also seeing a change. Fuck-boys (or girls) were meeting fuck-girls (or boys) who just wanted to hook up, while those in search of true love were finding it, but the weird thing was that none of these perfect partners were actually meeting in person. Somehow the prospective sexual or romantic interests were always living in another country, or married to someone else and couldn't get away, or were even just permanently working nights when their opposite number was on the day shift. So everyone was just having to see to themselves.
On Twitter the hashtag #iwannamakeucum was trending for the eighteenth day straight. Hate-speech and threats of violence were down. No one was talking about the latest war atrocity, or whether climate change was real, or the doings of celebrities. People from opposite sides of various intractable debates were suddenly finding common ground, and what's more, were finding they were, in fact, extremely attracted to one another. Elon Musk would have been worried about the drop in controversy, but he was totally distracted by a long-distance affair he was having. Somehow, despite having access to a fleet of private jets, he could never quite manage to engineer to meet her. In a lather of frustrated horniness he was just continuously tweeting his Tesla, and was keeping no eye whatsoever on his companies, or not an eye that could see, anyway.
Offline, peculiar things were happening, too. It wasn't just that people weren't talking about wars, wars had virtually stopped occurring. Crime was down, way down. All around the world, police and government agencies had nothing to do, and everyone who worked for them took the day off, then the month. They spent their leave online, talking to the person they'd always dreamt of meeting, and masturbating. In other fields, the news wasn't so good. Numerous operations were cancelled due to surgeons inexplicably developing sprained wrists or going cross-eyed. Nurses too. Luckily demand for healthcare in general had plummeted, as everybody was too busy on various websites and messaging apps, talking about their sexual fantasies and diddling themselves silly, to think much about their ailments. In the actual fields, crops were growing faster and taller due to the regular applications of farmers' own seed.
