"Hello?"
"Hey Matt, I missed you."
It was Hannah, tearstained and beautiful as the first time we loved each other…
*** So... where to begin. Oh yeah, my name is Matt, I am still just about a teenage boy, and I am currently sleeping with my sister. Christ, when you put it so bluntly it sounds terrifying, and it’s even scarier when you take into account the stupendous amount I feel for her.
It was summer time, this year, post exams, when I fell for my sister. But the shocking thing was, she liked me too. I am sure many people with hot siblings have at least the hornies for them a couple of times but to actually have it reciprocated is definitely, definitely a minority. Through a very surreal series of events we ended up having sex, a first for both of us, and boy was it good. I can almost remember every drip of sweat on her beautiful round face and button nose as I held her hard after we had fucked, twice, in her bed, on the best day I can think of. Apart from all the ones that followed.
***
As we lay there, her in my arms, gleaming up at me, sweaty and messy and not caring in the slightest, her hair still wet from her post-game shower, and my cock still semi hard from the best time it had ever experienced, I felt my heart twitch. Staring into her big, deep green eyes I wondered if I had finally found someone, or if someone had finally found me, who I could crush my ego for. Someone I could lay my small amount of timid pride in front of and not fear the consequences.
All my life, one of the main things holding me from girls was not only my lack of confidence, but my huge fear of rejection. For the first time someone had made me overcome that, and it had been family. In a way I suppose it made sense, if you can’t trust family who can you trust, but the thought that I had broken a bond with my sister as a sibling was quite sad, if a little overshadowed by the circumstances that the bond had been broken in.
So yeah, there we were, glistening and grinning. I leaned down and planted a gentle kiss on her forehead. Pealing back and pulling out of Hannah, I plonked myself down beside her. Turning to face her I saw that she was biting her lip. This was a sure sign, if you knew the signs, that something was troubling her. I reached my arms around her and pulled her close, resting my head in her armpit.
"What’s wrong, Hannah? Did I hurt you? Have I done something wrong?"
"No, it was great Matt, it’s just, uh, what would Mum and Dad say?"
"Hmmm, I know what you mean," I murmured, kissing her neck, "They definitely don’t teach you the proper etiquette for this kind of situation at school..."
She giggled, then was serious, "All joking aside Matt, do you think this is fucked? Do you think we have fucked up? I can’t even imagine what Mum and Dad would say if they knew."
"Well I reckon military school for me and deportation and exile for you. But yeah, all joking aside I think we should keep it quiet," I grinned. "Was it OK then? Did it feel good? I don’t know if we did it right but I sure as hell enjoyed it."
She pecked me on the lips, "It was the best. I think," she wiggled a bit, getting comfy, "I think, that, um, if you wanted to try it again, I think, if you did, that, then, I think."
"Skip to the end?"
"Do you want to keep fucking? We could tell ourselves we were just learning if we had to?"
I looked in those big beautiful eyes without a doubt in my mind; despite the social taboo and awkwardness I should have been feeling, love and lust are carnal and I was full to the brim.
"I want to do naughty things to your body." That got a laugh, which was cut short as we heard a key in the door, and I grabbed my clothes and legged it to my room, to mull over what had happened and try and get my head straight.
***
A fortnight later, and me and Hannah were in the shed at the end of the garden. It was about eight at night and as far as the parents were concerned I was off to a friends and Hannah had gone to buy sweets or milk or whatever she had invented.
She was sat on me, still fully dressed, pants pulled to the side, making mewling sounds through my hand over her mouth as we shared a good ol’ rumpin’. Practice had improved us, and she hammered down on me and I up into her, giving a great show to the bags of compost and seeds. Five minutes later and we were spooning in a dirty sweaty mess.
Hannah lifted her head from my chest, "I never want this summer to end..."
***
Another fortnight later, and I was woken late at night by cold hands under my covers. Hannah had come home from her mate’s house, and looking at my phone it was about three in the morning. Judging from her lopsided grin and courage to come into my room she must have drunk a couple more than is socially acceptable, and I quickly dragged her under my covers, covering her giggling with the duvet.
"What are you doing? You know we need to be discreet, even after a couple of drinks Han," I whispered.
"Hey," she grinned back, then "I don’ wanna fuck, I can be quiet, I jus’ wanna be near you for a bit." She gave me the puppy eyes and I fell for it like any man would.
"OK, but we have to go to your bed, and then I can wake up and move back before Mum and Dad get up."
"I coul’ moof, we ca’ stay here ‘f you wan’?" She was already dozing.
"I won’t trust you to wake up for anything," I breathed. "You sleep like a log."
And with that I carried her quietly to bed, and held her as she slept. When she was zonked I crept back into my bed and slept after a long time thinking.
***
Time flew, sex was had, the Earth turned and no one but me and my beautiful sister were any the wiser. Things changed, slowly, and that is where the story starts again, in a changed place.
***
I had applied to go to university earlier in the year, and had been avoiding thinking about grades and acceptance and leaving home by just… not thinking about it. It was a tactic I was used to and a tactic I was good at, and while it was counter-productive it meant that I spent the summer with other things in my priorities, which I guess is a good thing.
But here I was, grades earned, decisions made, bags packed, shit scared half out of me. I was going to Manchester University, and I got a lift with my whole family fitted Tetris-like around my bags of stuff I needed and even more bags of things I probably didn't need but Mum worried I might. We drove into the halls where I was staying, we packed things into my extortionately priced cupboard, we said our goodbyes and suddenly I was on my todd. My flatmates turned out to be lovely, and we had a great afternoon and evening getting to know each other, and the next evening, and all of freshers. And I started to settle in. And it was only a week or so later my mind had time to slow and think. Lying in bed, realising I hadn't even kissed Hannah goodbye. Not that we were dating, I prompted myself, but it would have seemed a good end, or an end at all. In fact, thinking of it, we had just stopped. We hadn't planned how we would leave it. So I guess we were both hiding from it right up to the mark.
We could never be together, and this sickening realisation was creeping through my gut as I wondered what she was doing right now. It had been a week, had she moved on, had anything changed, had the world turned and left me or was it just this new town… It was light when I slept, and a week before I had the balls to text Hannah.
I didn't get a reply.
The term flew by for me, I made some good friends on my course; friends of friends and friends of acquaintances and acquaintances of friends. I learnt a lot about my course, but also about me and people, and in a naive kind of way I thought I knew how things worked and how life was, from the insides of my alcohol soaked, young man’s world. Hannah never replied, and ignored a few Facebook messaged I sent her, so in a gutted way I hid from her, telling myself when my thoughts fell to her that she was probably just busy, and that it was wrong anyway.
***
My Mum called one day mid-term and through chatting I found out Hannah had been a bit distant of late, but they thought it might be exam pressure. Mum and Dad’s shop was running particularly well for the time of year, which Mum put down to a new line of Christmas themed plant pots selling early, and my Dad apparently put down to quote ‘silly Christmas bastards’ and ‘the rise of unwashed consumerist morons’ unquote… Jack was doing sweet fanny Adams as per, and apparently there was a house agreement that they missed me, even if just due to the increase of washing up for everyone else.
One night my flatmates and I went to a standard student club night, as we were wont to being young and fun and peer pressured. There was the standard mix of try-hards, sweaty jocks, under-dressed sluts and awkward sober people, all hidden in the dark and drowned in shit house music. We went to this kind of thing often, and while a few of my flatmates were actively always looking to get laid I had no experience, too many nerves, and a very specific, rare and confusing situation. So I went for the drink and the laughs and to feel like I was living the uni life. Mid-way through the night a real pretty brunette started rubbing herself up against me from behind. This happened quite often (not to flatter myself, it was dark), and I turned to kind of get out of the way. As the girl turned to look up at me, my heart jumped.
It was Hannah.
But it wasn't Hannah, it was just another cute girl, the hair colour was wrong and her smile was less bright. She grinned up at me, and I just gawped back at her until my brain kicked up a gear, I smiled back and turned back to my friends circle.
She carried on rubbing, and I started to wonder what I should do. Of course I was horny, and this girl was gorgeous, but I was useless in this kind of situation, so I just carried on dancing and trying to think of a next move. My mate came up to me and shouted into my ear,
"You got a live one big guy!"
"I dunno, she reminds me of my sister!" I laughed back, nervously
"Ah fair enough man" he bellowed, "Mind if I have a crack then?! Or is that weird?" I lifted my shoulders in a ‘nah’ and he moved behind me to try get lucky.
That night, when most of us got back and had smoked and chatted and collectively nodded off I lay in bed dozing. Half of me thought I should have tried it with that girl; maybe that would have been a way of getting out of this. But how could I get out when I hadn't even spoken to Hannah and I didn't know if I was in or if I ever even had been in.
***
Time passed again, and as the end of term neared and my coursework piled up I had less and less time for thinking about things. I had to pull a couple of all-nighters just to meet deadlines through avoiding the urgency until the end.
And on one of these mornings I sat greasy and blurry and listening to the rumble of my printer as it copied my poorly written pixels to ink. I heard the door creak behind me; turning I saw a silhouette in the flat hallway, through my 8am-last-minute-essay eyes.
"Hello?"
"Hey Matt, I missed you."
It was Hannah, tearstained and beautiful as the first time we loved each other.
I was gobsmacked. And we just looked at each other, in the dinge of my room, a sea of words unsaid between us. It could have been hours, but I watched just one tear slowly trace her beautiful cheek. How had I forgotten this angel? How had I dropped my feelings like that? Not through lack of want, just through blind stupidity.
After another age, we were suddenly in each other’s arms, holding tight, clenching and clawing like we were starved or drowning. Her tears were cold on my neck and the shape of her comforting and familiar.
After a couple of seconds I pulled back. "How did we get this far apart?"
There was a gentle, shy smile on her lips, "I don’t know… How have you been?"
"I've been OK, yeah. I've missed you. I thought you were blanking me?"
She sighed and looked away, "I was, I was angry for the way things ended between us. Or just didn't end, kind of stalled."
"I know, I've been thinking about that a lot this term."
There was a pause, and in it a familiar flame flickered in my heart. From the twinkle in Hannah’s big eyes the same may have happened in her’s, and I leaned my head closer and kissed her soft lips as gently as I could. She returned the kiss, and I sat on the bed, pulling her onto my knee and hugging her close.
"Tell me then, why were you not talking to me? I have gone over and over it, I thought maybe you had found someone new or had changed your mind or had-" She put a finger to my lips.
"I just missed you, and I dealt with it by hiding from it. I thought the same of you; I thought you might be shagging your way through half of the girls in your block. But basically I was just a coward. I've been hiding for a while I think."
"What from?"
Going quiet, Hannah rested her forehead on mine, so our noses were almost touching, and breathed, "I think I love you."
The thought had of course occurred to me, but I had assumed being young and naive I would know love when I felt it, that it would be a world changing and eye opening discovery.
