What the hell was happening between me and Aria? She kissed you…again.
That annoying sardonic voice echoed in my mind as I paced around my study, closing the blinds before I sat back down at my desk. You didn’t exactly pull back, Noah.
I wasn’t sure if it was my conscience speaking this time, or the same guy that walked out of that DO NOT ENTER
door last night; my demon, my shadow self. You wanted to kiss her.
God, it was just one huge cluster fuck of thoughts going on inside me. I really had to get myself away from her. Otherwise I would’ve… Lost control? Oh please, she wants you. It’s pretty obvious don’t you think?
It wasn’t like there was somebody else present in the room finishing my sentences, it was just that my own voice sounded so foreign to me when I heard it in my head, like another person was saying the words…impersonating my
voice. I sounded crazy. Maybe I was. It was quite possible that I as slowly losing my mind, though I wasn’t sure why. It was probably a good thing I was visiting my shrink tomorrow morning.
I exhaled deeply and propped my feet up on my desk. I could still feel Aria’s lips against mine. That red lip gloss she had on was cherry scented. Even though I had wiped it all off with my thumb, I could still taste her on my lips.
I was going nuts all evening when her friend Jessica was over. I just couldn’t stand the way Aria was behaving around me. She was pushing me away, committing some sort of emotional suicide in front of me, and I was so afraid of that distance she was placing between us. She’s a walking sex symbol. You walked in on her dancing and you couldn’t take your eyes off her.
I closed my eyes and faced my evil doppelganger, refusing to believe in his accusations against me. Self vs. self, battling it out.
The sad part was that once the denial finally faded, I was left hanging my head in shame, shackling myself back against a wall and begging my unyielding opponent to show some mercy and leave, so that I would never ever touch her in any sort of way.
But the more I tried to stop thinking about Aria, the longer she lingered in my head. There was just no escape. And burying myself in work wasn’t helping either since I hadn’t been able to focus. Okay, I just needed to keep it together until I saw Dr. Grey tomorrow, then I could let all my ugly demons out and he could help me figure out what was going on.
I was about to text my buddy Lewis, when my wife Vanessa suddenly walked in. She quickly shut the door and marched right up to me with tears in her eyes.
“I know you don’t like to be disturbed when you’re in here, but I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching today. I practically barricaded myself inside my office all evening, trying to distract myself, flipping through new swimwear designs, because I wasn’t ready to come home yet.”
“Vanessa I—” I wanted to apologize for losing my temper so badly in the morning, but she cut me off.
“Just hear me out, please. Let me say what I have to say, and then you can say whatever you want, and I’ll listen.”
I exhaled deeply and took my feet down from off my desk. “I’m listening.”
“My assistant Phoebe—her husband came in to work today and surprised her with a big bouquet of flowers and a huge box of her favorite chocolates. I mean, it wasn’t anything expensive like the Belgian chocolates you buy me, but just the romantic gesture itself was just so heart-warming. It made me realize that I’ve been making you feel like I take you for granted because you always go above and beyond for me. You basically own my company, and if it wasn’t for you I never would’ve been able to launch it.”
I wanted to say something, but then reminded myself that she had the floor, not me.
“I’ve always been a prideful person and very reserved about my feelings sometimes. So when you threatened to divorce me this morning, all you got was a stuck up egotistical bitch in your face.”
Well, it felt nice hearing her say that I must admit, but I was digressing…
“Noah, I don’t want to lose you, and I don’t want to end our marriage. I understand that I’ve damaged it by ignoring your feelings about what I’m doing to myself with all this plastic surgery. I’m sincerely sorry for being so selfish.”
She started to cry. Great,
didn’t women realize that their tears only decreased a man’s testosterone levels?
“I want to get therapy for myself and work on our marriage. I want to save it. I love you so much. You’re such a supportive husband and you truly love me to care this much and worry about what I’m doing to myself.”
It seriously felt like she switched her brain with someone else for 24 hours. I wondered if she’d still be so willing to check in to rehab
“Please don’t give up on me. Please,
” she started to cry and I really felt bad for hurting her, so I stood up and wrapped my arms around my wife.
“I’m glad you’ve agreed to get some help. I want to save our marriage too. I haven’t given up.”oOo
After what felt like ages, we finally had sex when we went to bed. Everything was going great and I felt that I was really reconnecting with my wife, until it happened…again.
I started to imagine that I was making love to my daughter while I was moving in and out of my wife. My eyes were closed and I swear I was just focusing on the sensation of Vanessa’s wet cunt around my shaft, when Aria’s face and body appeared before me. There was a part of me that just wanted to stop, but the fact that I didn’t want to open my eyes and look at my wife said enough. She was kissing me, and all I kept fantasizing about was my daughter’s warm, sensuous lips pressing against mine. It was twisted how I was able to conjure up such sick fantasises. I felt super guilty about it afterwards of course, because I was just disgusted with myself once I was able to release.
Vanessa wanted to cuddle and I immediately pulled away, using the excuse of having to clean up
, so that I could pull it together in the bathroom for a few minutes.
So there I was in the bathroom, standing in front of the mirror, alone with my demons. None of this made sense to me. Six months ago I was so happy to have found my daughter again, and grateful that she still wanted me to be a part of her life, and now I was racking my brain trying to think of all the other alternatives if Dr. Grey wouldn’t be able to cure me of this…illness.
Should I push Aria away? Should I send her back to live with her mother? Oh, hell no. There was no way
I was going to let her live with that son of a bitch step father of hers. Was she trying
to seduce me? Was that what was going on last night, this morning and earlier this evening? “Noah? Honey, is everything alright in there?”
Shit, it was Vanessa. I guess I took longer than expected, so I turned on the tap and splashed some water on my face.
“Yeah, I’m almost done. Be right out.”
I walked out of the bathroom and slipped back into bed.
“Come here big boy,” she giggled and molded herself against my body, resting her head on my chest. “I missed you, I missed this. That felt so
good,” She let out a contented sigh and wrapped her leg over mine.
I was still troubled by my torturous thoughts of immoral lust, but I kept them to myself and kissed her head before I closed my eyes and tried to sleep.oOo
I was taking the elevator up to Dr. Grey’s office the following morning. It had been forever since I last paid him a visit, but my surroundings were familiar to me as I get off the lift. It had one of those sliding doors that you needed to manually open and close yourself.
I left the house earlier than usual, so Vanessa ended up driving Aria to school, which was a good thing I thought. They both needed to bond more. I just didn’t want to be alone in the car again with my daughter. At this point, I didn’t trust myself to be strong enough to resist temptation. Yesterday was difficult enough to fight my body’s impulses.
The faint sound of classical music echoed in my ears as I walked down a narrow hallway that led to Dr. Grey’s office. A Soprano vocalist was singing a beautiful melody that I was quite familiar with, but not able to remember off the top of my head. I didn’t see anybody sitting in the waiting room, and his practice seemed to be lacking a receptionist.
Before I could knock, the big mahogany door suddenly opened, revealing Dr. Alexander Grey himself, standing a few inches away from me.
“Good morning Noah,” he smiled politely and stepped aside. “You’re right on time.”
Considering his age, he still looked pretty youthful for a man in his late forties. He was a couple inches taller than me and still fashioning his popular signature grey suits that he frequently wore whenever I used to visit him. Grey had moved to America with his parents when he was twelve years old. They emigrated from Denmark and he had a pretty tough upbringing because money was tight and expectations were high in his family, but clearly he turned out just fine since he was one of the most successful psychiatric doctors in the States. The man still spoke with a hint of a Danish accent, but I liked it. There was always something soothing about his voice that made me feel relaxed whenever we tried to pick away at my problems.
His face was still clean shaven, and the only difference in his appearance that was considerably noticeable was that he had grown out his light caramel hair a little longer.
“Come on in, make yourself comfortable.” A pair of warm hazel eyes looked back at me as I stepped inside and scanned the room.
His office was spacious and huge, almost like a library because of all the bookshelves that surrounded the walls; especially the second level of the room above me. It was covered in books from corner to corner. It was nothing like those offices that made you feel suffocated or claustrophobic. There were floor to ceiling windows on one side of the space with the curtains drawn back, and he seemed to have repainted the walls.
“Love the new colour,” I commented while I walked over to the window.
“Thank you. I find that red really adds warmth to the space and makes it more,” he paused. “Inviting.
I nervously shoved my hands in my pockets and turned around to smile cordially at him. He had a huge brown desk on top of a red oriental rug, followed by two grey leather chairs positioned across from each other in the center of the room. That was where he normally sat with his patients. I typically preferred to lie down on the teal lounging sofa that was next to one of the windows. I was glad he hadn’t replaced it.
“Have a seat.”
I really didn’t want to sit down. I needed to pace, and keep moving. Sitting down was next to impossible for me at the moment.
“Do you mind if I stand and just walk around a bit?”
“Whatever you’re comfortable with, Noah.”
Grey sat himself down and pulled out a note pad.
“Do you need to update my file or anything? I’ve had a change of address since you last saw me.”
“No need for that. Your assistant Dianne already took care of it with me over the phone.”
Right, he was always great at remembering names. There really was no way of stalling or delaying the inevitable.
“You appear nervous. Relax. Remember the Vipassana
breathing technique I taught you.”
I paced around the room a little and discovered that it was only making me crazier. So I lay down on his comfortable lounging sofa and stared straight up at the ceiling before I closed my eyes.
“Inhale…and exhale…very good. This meditation technique will cultivate insight including contemplation, introspection, observation of bodily sensations, and observations about lived experiences. Just relax your mind, focus your breathing on expanding your lungs, and listen to my voice.”
Dr. Grey wasn’t a religious man, but he always seemed to incorporate some Buddhist beliefs in a few of our therapy sessions in the past.
I took a few minutes to just breathe and empty my head of any sort of conscious thought, so that all I was focusing on was the measure of my breath.
“Do you feel more relaxed now, Noah?”
I kept my eyes closed and waited for further instruction.
Something suddenly flashed in front of me and I could see myself inhaling cold air, with my breath visible, as I walked down a dark tunnel all alone.
“Would you like me to turn off the music?”
“No. I don’t mind. I like it.”
“It’s one of my favourite Opera. Lakmé- The Flower Duet
in Act One.” Lakmé,
of course. Now I remembered.
“But we’re not here to discuss my taste in classical music. Tell me what is troubling you, Noah.”
I opened my eyes and stared into space. How the hell was I going to open up about this?
“I think I’m going crazy.”
Dr. Grey waited, possibly thinking that I was going to elaborate more, but I didn’t.
“Why do you believe you are going crazy?”
“Because I’m hearing things.”
“Multiple voices? Male, female?”
“No, just one. My own.”
“Well that’s hardly a legitimate reason to label you as crazy. It’s not uncommon to have conversations with yourself out loud or inside your head. Is this about your addiction? Do you feel the urge to use again?”
“No,” I turned my head and looked at him. He unfolded the pair of glasses he had tucked away in the breast pocket of his suit, put them on and then wrote some things down in his note pad with his very expensive fountain pen.
“I think it’s safe to say that I’ve conquered those demons. I’ve been clean almost ten years now.”
“I’m glad to hear that, Noah.”
“But do tell me, what seems to be the issue at hand?”
I took a long pause and then stared up at the ceiling again. “Do you remember my daughter?”
“The one you were estranged from?”
“I remember her, go on.”
“I got back in touch with her a little over six months ago.”
I looked at him and noticed that he was frowning as he crossed his leg over his knee. “Didn’t go so well did it?” I think he concluded that I was in some sort of depression because my daughter didn’t want me in her life. Oh, how wrong he was…
“Actually, it went better than expected. I have shared custody of her now and she’s been living with my wife and me for the past six months.”
“That’s wonderful news. I’m happy for you. I remember you expressing just how much it pained you to not be part of her life.”
There was a short silence between us as I sat up and leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees.
“Is Aria not getting along with you or your wife?”
“Aria’s amazing. She’s incredibly smart for her age and very mature. My daughter’s adjusted to her new life with me very well, and she gets along just fine with her step mom.”
He adjusted his black framed reading glasses and then folded his hands in his lap. “Then what seems to be the problem?”
I ran my fingers through my hair and rubbed the back of my neck as if some phantom pain had suddenly afflicted me. “I’m sorry doc, I just…I really don’t know how to open up about this.”
Breathing out my anxiety didn’t seem to be helping much, and talking about it
wasn’t really progressing too well because I was too afraid to say the words out loud.
“You find your daughter sexually attractive.”
It felt like someone poured a huge bucket of ice water over my head as I looked up in disbelief and laughed off the excruciating awkwardness I was feeling. My initial reaction was to just yell out, no!
But that would’ve been a lie. So I just laughed hysterically, perplexed by the irony of how well this man could read me without even getting me to admit anything.
It seriously sounded as if I was babbling to myself as I tried to form a proper sentence; “Wow…you’re just…wow…I can’t believe…
”I laughed and shook my head.
“My apologies if I’ve offended you. I could be entirely wrong.”
My laughter died down and I managed to pull it together before I looked up at him and confessed my sins. “You haven’t offended me,” I was trying so hard to get my tongue to move and say what that voice in my head was screaming; Yes! I’m sexually attracted to her!
“Can I have a glass of water?” I pulled on my collar and loosened my tie. It felt like I was suffocating in my own skin.
“Of course,” Dr. Grey stood up and poured me a glass of water before he walked over to me and handed me the cold cup.
I drank it all down in big gulps and placed the glass on a circular side table close to where I was sitting. “It just feels like I’m on trial here all of a sudden.” My hands were sweaty and I felt like surrendering to a panic attack.
“I’m not here to judge you, Noah. I’m here to help you and offer my professional advice. You can rest assured that nothing that you express to me will ever leave this office.”
“Yeah, I’m fully aware of the confidentiality agreement doc—”
“Good. Then please take some comfort knowing that I would never violate that agreement, unless you prove to be a danger to yourself or others. In which case—”
“The authorities will be contacted
. I know.”
We’ve been through this before after all. He offered me a subtle, comforting smile and then gave me the time I needed to speak. I was booked for an hour, and as I glanced at the clock above him, I realized that only ten minutes had gone by.
I stood up and began to pace again, stopping and standing still by the window. It had started raining as some pedestrians pulled out their umbrellas below, shielding themselves from all that precipitation that had accumulated over the past week. The heavy down pour got louder as I closed my eyes for a moment, and just listened to the soothing sound.
“I wasn’t expecting this to happen you know. It just sort of did.”
“What were you expecting, Noah?”
I opened my eyes and fixed my gaze on a red fire hydrant down the street.
“Just for things to be normal between her and I.”
I hesitated to say her name. “Aria
“How do you feel about Aria?” How do I feel?
I feel like a fucking son of a bitch that should be locked up, that’s how I feel. I answered him in my mind.
“I love her. She’s my daughter. My only
daughter and only child.”
“How old is she now?”
“Sixteen, going on seventeen.”
I could hear the quick movement of his pen rolling on paper, but I still refused to look him in the eye.
“How old are you now, Noah?”
“I’ll be thirty three soon.”
“So there’s only a sixteen year age difference between the two of you, and you’ve been separated from her since the time she was born, correct?”
“Yes,” I heard his pen again and then stared at a stop sign.
“Do you find yourself attracted to her?”
I think he left out the sexually
part on purpose, because of the way I reacted when he asked me the same question minutes ago. I took my time responding, but surely enough my silence said it all. So I drew in a deep breath and confessed in an almost inaudible voice.
I paused again. “Both.”
“Which one is stronger? The physical attraction or emotional?”
I was slowly falling apart inside my head as I turned around and faced him. “Jesus, I don’t know doc! I don’t know why I feel this way! I just know that I shouldn’t!”
My hands were shaking, so I stuffed them back into my front trouser pockets once more and leaned back against the wall.
Dr. Grey removed his glasses and put his notepad away.
“This is not uncommon, what you are experiencing, Noah. There is a reason why you are feeling this way and there are contributing factors that have caused dysfunction and lack of growth in your paternal relationship with your daughter.”
“I feel like a sick, perverted bastard.”
“Have you acted on the attraction?”
“No, of course not!”
“Do you feel that you are a threat to her?”
“What do you mean?”
“Are you worried that you might rape or molest her?” “Jesus fucking Christ, no! I I’d rather castrate myself than to ever touch her in any indecent way. I would never cross that line!”
I was livid with rage. “You said you wouldn’t judge me.”
“That’s not what I’m doing here, Noah. I’m just trying to better understand your current mental condition, your thought process.”
“Well you’re speaking to me as if I’m premeditating a crime.”
“There are strict incest laws in the state of California. According to Penal code number 285, committing incest may lead to serious criminal charges.”
I was a lawyer, and completely aware of this. Now I really needed a cigarette. Fuck my life.
“Are you experienced in this topic or something?”
“I’ve had several patients who’ve had the same problem you are encountering, with very similar situations as yours; estrangement, separation at birth. Are you familiar with GSA
“Genetic sexual attraction.”
Jesus, how could he remain so calm about all this? All morning I kept playing out all the different possible outcomes of having this visit with Dr. Grey and no matter how many different ways I kept replaying it, I always ended up imagining him ringing up the police and me walking out in handcuffs.
“GSA is sexual attraction between close relatives, such as siblings or half-siblings, a parent and offspring, or first and second cousins, who first meet as adults.”
I was finally composed enough to sit down, so I stepped over to the empty chair across from Dr. Grey and had a seat.
“In your case, the attraction is between you and your daughter. Given the unique circumstances that have occurred in your life, I can only conclude that because of your absence during Aria’s primary stages of growth, a paternal instinct did not properly develop within you. You missed out on changing diapers, feeding her, you missed her first steps she took as a baby, her first word, her first scraped knee from a playground tumble, countless birthdays. You’ve missed a lot in her life, Noah. So much that it has prevented you from nurturing Aria the way you should have when she was still a child. Now that she is a grown adolescent, you’re finding it difficult to develop a functioning, normal
paternal relationship because you did not raise her in a conditioned, controlled environment where the bond between father and daughter would naturally develop and take its course according to society’s rules and expectations. I believe that if you had raised her as a child, you would not have sexually imprinted on her in later years, like you are currently experiencing right now.”
“So you’re saying that I’ve imprinted on her? Sexually
“Well, do you desire her sexually?”
I paused briefly and rubbed my temples.
“Just stay honest. The more honest you are with yourself, the better I can help you.”
I exhaled all my frustration out, emptying my lungs before responding; “Yes. Shamefully, yes. But not on purpose doc, I swear. I’m a married man, and I love my wife. I don’t
want to feel this way about my daughter.”
“Let us steer our focus on investigating why you feel this attraction, instead of burdening yourself with all these negative thoughts. It is clear that you have self-control, and you’ve stated that you would never do anything to harm Aria.”
“No of course not. I would take a bullet for her. I’d chop off my right arm if it meant saving her life.”
“This is a good sign. You are self-aware.”
“Then why am I constantly talking to myself in my head? I feel so…split in half.”
“What are these conversations like, Noah?”
I was way too embarrassed and ashamed to open up about what I fantasized the last time I masturbated, or what happened in my head when I made love to my wife…or even that dream when I first met my daughter all those months back.
“It’s just…I feel like I’m constantly battling right and wrong. There’s a part of me, a darker half that wants me to,” I hesitated for a second and reviewed my next choice of words. “Pursue
Aria, and give into her advances on me—”
“Wait, hold it right there a moment. Has your daughter been seducing you?”
I scratched the back of my head and tried to recall the incident in the car.
“Um, if attempting to kiss me on the lips is considered seduction then yeah, I believe so.”
“She initiated that all on her own?”
I nodded and started to summarize what happened in the car, including the night before when she innocently kissed my lips in her bedroom.
“Hmm, most interesting I do declare.”
I took a deep breath and tangled my fingers through my hair again. “I just want it all to stop you know. It’s wrong on so many different scales doc, I’m sure you’re aware of that.”
“Yes, Noah. But I would like to enlighten you about the general factors that contribute to GSA. You’re really not the only person in the world who’s going through this.”
“I feel like I’m bi-polar or have split personality or something.”
“We can screen you for bi-polar disorder, but I believe you’ve disassociated with yourself. I think you’ve opened a bit of a Pandora’s box here, and you’re psychologically coping with it by disentangling yourself from what you consider your evil half.
“My shadow self.”
“Yes precisely. All three parts that develop your psyche seem to be at war. You’re just exaggerating it in your mind. Are you seeing things? Hallucinations?”
“You are not schizophrenic.”
I sighed in relief and then answered some of his questions regarding my marriage and Aria’s relationship with her mom and step-father. He listened attentively until I was done talking.
“Are you familiar with Sigmund Freud?”
“Yeah, I’ve heard of him.”
“Freud had developed a structural model of the psyche. According to this model, the id
are the three parts of the psychic apparatus. The id
is the set of uncoordinated instinctual trends; the super-ego
plays the critical and moralizing role; and the ego
is the organized, realistic part that mediates between the desires of the id
and the super-ego
. The super-ego
can stop you from doing certain things that your id
may want you to do.”
“That sounds confusing as hell doc.”
“Well, in short—your super ego is predominantly preventing the desires of your id
from manifesting into reality.”
I guess that explained all the internal dialogue.
“The id is the unorganized part of the personality structure that contains a human's basic, instinctual drives. It’s the part of the mind containing the drives that are present at birth. It is the source of our bodily needs, wants, desires, and impulses, particularly our sexual
and aggressive drives.”
“So is it safe to say that I don’t have some sort of personality disorder?”
“Yes, Noah. I think it is safe to say that you are trying your best to rationalize these thoughts and feelings, and your id and super ego are boxing it out in that head of yours.”
“You’re certain that had I raised her, these feelings wouldn’t have existed?”
“GSA is very rare between people who have been raised together from early childhood, so yes I believe that if she grew up with you, these sexual feelings wouldn’t have developed between the two of you.”
I let out an exasperated sigh.
“How did you feel when you first laid eyes on her after sixteen years?”
I stared into space again and rewound back to that November afternoon when I saw Aria in the court room. God, she was a vision of beauty. I think I was mesmerized.
“I felt…” How did I feel?
I never really analyzed it, but now that I thought about it, she completely took my breath away. “Like I had died and come back to life when she looked at me. As if I was already dead all these years and somehow she managed to resurrect me with just one look.” How poetically tragic.
I couldn’t believe I just said that.
Dr. Grey said nothing, but just listened attentively. “Were you aware of the physical attraction then?”
“No, absolutely not. These past six months have been great between Aria and I. It’s only recently that I feel like my world’s been flipped upside down.” I confessed in all honesty.
“Hmm, very interesting. Although I do believe that you were somehow subconsciously aware of the attraction, you must’ve been supressing it or just choosing to ignore it when you were reunited with her. There must be something that triggered your id
to become more vocal and expressive in your mind.”
“Everything changed when she kissed me.”
“I really am very curious to know how Aria feels about all this, especially since she’s been in engaging you in subtle sexual ways.”
“Err- I don’t know. I tried talking to her about it, but she doesn’t seem to want to acknowledge anything or communicate with me. I think she’s just confused.”
“It is possible indeed, but I think you should consider a few important facts here; you mentioned that she’s had a really turbulent relationship with her step father, so it is enough to say that she doesn’t really know what it’s like to have a real loving father figure in her life. When she met you, she had no idea who you are and through the eyes of a young adolescent girl, the first judgements she made about you were based on first impressions. You are a young, attractive, wealthy, successful man. It’s very probable that she felt attracted to you upon first meeting, but kept it to herself. Maybe she felt like her white knight had come to her rescue and as she got to know you better, she discovered that you have all the admirable attributes that she looked for in a potential mate. In some ways, Aria may very well idolize you.” Idolize me? No way. Not possible.
“Who am I to be placed on such a high pedestal?”
“You are her father, and that’s reason enough to place you so high above herself, including other men. Is she dating? Do you allow her to date?”
“There are some rules I’ve established with her in regards to boys and dating, but I didn’t forbid her not to.
I just advised her to take it slow with love and relationships while she’s still in school.”
“And has she mentioned liking anyone in particular? Brought any boys home for you to meet?”
It didn’t take me very long to answer him. “No.”
Grey nodded in silence to himself as if he was making mental notes. “She could be infatuated with you.”
“Well, I don’t want her to be.”
“Easier said than done. This is a very complicated situation, Noah. And when it comes to dealing with teenage girls, their feeling should be dealt with very delicately, especially since she’s your daughter.”
I nodded and continued to listen.
“On the other hand, we should consider the possibility that Aria may be experiencing the Electra complex.”
“You’ve lost me again doc—” this was just super uncharted territory for me, thus my cluelessness.
“The Electra complex, is a child’s psychosexual competition with his or her mother for possession of his or her father. I find it unique in this instance because normally these feeling occur during the phallic stage
of a young girl’s psychosexual development.”
“Ages three to six.”
“Oh,” I frowned, looking somewhat disturbed. “But she gets along well with Vanessa and her mother. I don’t understand how she would be competing with them.”
“Well, this could be the early stages. The hostility against her biological mother or her step mother may manifest and reveal itself later on. Try and observe her behaviour closely and tell me how she engages other women around you, especially your wife.”
I nodded and tried to absorb everything Dr. Grey had explained to me.
“Is Vanessa aware of what’s going on between you and your daughter?”
“No,” I confessed with a sigh. “I’d rather not discuss it with her. That’s why I came here to see you. To get this…situation under control.
Besides, nothing’s really happened between Aria and I.”
“Hmm, well at this point I would suggest that it would be very healthy for you and Aria to both receive some long term counselling.”
“I don’t’ want to put her through the painful process of making her feel like she’s crazy, taking her from therapist to therapist. I just got her back. I don’t want to lose her again.”
“That won’t be necessary, Noah. I can counsel you both, together or separately. Either way, I recommend that you sit down and discuss it with her. As painfully awkward as it may be, communication is always best. Should you choose to ignore her feelings including your own, she may start to act out in more harmful and destructive ways, not only towards you but towards herself. I would like to prevent that from happening.”
“Okay, I’ll talk to her. Even though it won’t be easy.”
“Just tell her that you love her and that you want to have a healthy relationship with her. Make sure that you express how happy it would make you if she agreed to get some counselling with you.”
He glanced at his watch and then stood up. “Unfortunately our hour is up. I want to see you regularly. I really do believe that I can help you through this.”
“You helped me before doc, I’m confident that you can help me again.”
I shook his hand and watched him walk towards his desk. “Let’s schedule your next appointment with me,” he pulled out his agenda and opened it. “Are you free Thursday?”
“Yes, but preferably in the evenings.”
“Okay, that’s fine. How does seven o ’clock sound?”
He wrote me in and then smiled. “It was good seeing you again, Noah.
“Good seeing you too doc.”
“Please do not torture yourself with shame. I honestly empathize and can fully understand the circumstances that happened in your life. I assure you it’s not uncommon.”
Uncommon or not, I just wanted to be cured of this. “Well, I won’t take up anymore of your time. I’ll see you Thursday.”
“You take care of yourself and do speak with Aria about what I mentioned to you.”
“I will.” I smiled politely and said goodbye before I walked out of Dr. Grey’s office. How the hell am I going to talk to Aria?
I tried to re-enact the conversation in my head.oOo
By the time I walked out onto the sidewalk, the rain had stopped. I was trying my best to remember all the important advice my shrink gave me, when my cellphone vibrated, breaking all train of thought.
I reached into my pocket and pulled out my iPhone. Text message from Aria: I miss u
I couldn’t help but smile and melt when I read her text. Text message from Noah: I miss you more beautiful.
I hit send and as soon as I did, I cussed underneath my breath because a part of me knew that I should be more careful in how I expressed my affection to her. I didn’t want to give her the wrong impression and confuse her any more than I already was. Text message from Aria: Pick me up 4 lunch 2day?
I held my breath for a couple seconds as I read her text and then exhaled loudly. Yes, take her out to lunch. You miss her. You hardly got to see her this morning. No, remember what Dr. Grey said? If you take her out to lunch, you’ll be taking her out for all the wrong reasons Noah.
I guess this was the part where I was supposed to become consciously aware of my id
duking it out one on one. I hated that I had to spectate myself trying to choose between right and wrong. It was like I was already pledging allegiance to the dark side.
Deciding not to answer her text yet, I got inside my car and turned on the ignition. Text message from Aria: Plz?
I sighed and started to punch some letters into my phone. It was just impossible to ignore her. I didn’t have the heart to do it anyway. Text message from Noah: Okay princess. Id: 1 Super-ego: 0
End of round one.
Lakmé Flower Duet
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<a href="http://www.lushstories.com/stories/incest/i-shouldnt-feel-this-way-chapter-15.aspx">I Shouldn't Feel This Way- Chapter 15</a>