I’ve always felt way too mature for my age, I guess it’s because I knew that if I disobeyed or acted out, I’d get a good beating from Rob. He scares me. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ve been the rebellious teenager every once in a while, but my rule breaking vendettas have always been carefully calculated so that I’d stay off my parents radar. Last year I had tried cigarettes for the first time, but I nearly coughed up a lung. And at Alison’s birthday party last summer, I got smashed, like totally drunk
. I was lucky it was a sleep over, otherwise mom and Rob would’ve killed me had I gone home, with nothing to show but a slurred speech and a major loss of my motor skills.
Many grownups these days think most teenagers are dumb, that they have no clue how the world works, but we’re actually pretty smart. Well—some of us are. I couldn’t speak on behalf of the idiot jocks at my school, though I did like to think that I was quite the intellectual. Maybe I was just a nerd in the closet. Yeah, that makes more sense. I had always tried to blend in with the cool kids, and I was pretty popular at school, but let’s just say that I didn’t talk about anything remotely philosophical or thought provoking with my friends.
Prior to my biological father pulling a reappearing act into my life, my plan was to graduate with a scholarship and move far, far away; Yale would’ve been nice. Yeah, I know. I like to dream big. Mom did her best to instill good morals and values in me. She was always good at giving me advice, but terrible at taking her own.
These were all the things I was thinking about during the car ride back to my dad’s hotel. He wasn’t talking much, just had the stereo playing at a comfortable volume while we drove through NYC traffic, which was like organized chaos…if that made any sense.
“Any idea what you want to eat for dinner?”
Finally, he said something.
“Um, I’m not sure.”
He looked over at me, and I smiled.oOo
I could hardly believe my eyes when I stepped inside his hotel room. It was seriously bigger than my family’s apartment. He had the penthouse suite, which had huge floor to ceiling windows, luxuriously furnished in earth tones, an open bar, open concept kitchen, two massive living rooms, a master bath, and a very spacious master bedroom with the biggest bed I had ever seen. I really couldn’t understand how one person could need for so much space. Maybe he was claustrophobic?
“You like it?”
“It’s amazing,” I took off my jacket and cardigan while I scanned the entire room.
“Wait till you see our home, this is nothing compared to where your daddy’s living.”
‘Your daddy’, ‘our home’…
that made me smile.
“I’m going to order us that pizza. What toppings do you want?”
“Green peppers, mushrooms, and diced tomatoes.”
Pizza twice in a row, that never happened in my household. I sat down on an espresso colored leather sofa and looked out the window. The sun was setting in the horizon and the sky had changed into a glowing magenta, melting into the orange hues. Fading flecks of sunrays glittered onto the polished window panes of the towering skyscrapers that surrounded us in the city. I was so absorbed in the contemporary architecture and landscaping outside that I didn’t realize my dad was calling my name.
“Aria—” he placed his hand gently on my shoulder, and I turned around.
“Sorry, I think I zoned out.”
Noah studied my face for a brief moment, and then looked out the window. “It’s definitely an impeccable view.”
“I wish I had my camera, I love photography.”
“Have you taken classes?” he asked and sat down next to me, giving me his undivided attention.
“No, but ever since I won a contest last year, I took a real interest in it. And I’ve been taking photos of everything and anything that I find beautiful ever since.”
I laughed nervously. “It’s kind of stupid, you’ll probably laugh.”
“No tell me,” he moved in closer and I watched his ocean blue eyes light up with genuine interest.
“My art teacher Ms. Clare, she was giving away this fancy art set, but it wasn’t some charitable giveaway, you had to earn it. So she challenged everyone in the class to take a photograph of anything that was nature themed, and we were allowed to enhance the photo with photo shop, just as long we stuck to that rule; you know, trees, grass, flowers, wild animals and landscaping details. She gave us three weeks to produce our winning photo, and throughout those weeks I was taking pictures of everything. This was around the beginning of fall and all the tree leaves were just starting to change color. Most of the photos I took at were taken from unusual angles,” I took a deep breath and continued. “One time I was walking down Central Park, and it was a sunny day, but for some reason it began to rain out of nowhere. It was like the sky had split in half with two different weather forecasts, like the climate in the city had gone bipolar or something…”
He laughed at that part.
“But it created this amazing effect because while the sun was shining, there was a light drizzle of rain fall and it looked like diamonds were pouring from the sky. I noticed a young couple sitting on a bench between two trees, and the colours of the leaves were this brilliant crimson red. The man and woman were getting completely soaked under the rain, but they didn’t seem to care. So I pulled out my camera and took one photo. The shot was just so beautiful. The woman had short platinum hair and it was almost glowing in the sunlight while droplets of rain fell over her. I didn’t edit or enhance the picture, but the only thing I added in photo shop was a personal quote. ‘Every rain drop that you can’t catch, that’s how much I miss you.
’ When I won the contest, I felt like I didn’t win fair and square because I believed my photograph was inspired by love and specifically that couple, not so much by nature. I was just lucky enough to be at the right place, at the right time. Mother Nature just happened to show her divine
presence on that particular day. I think it was the way he was kissing her that captivated me. He was just so tender and passionate.” I don’t know why I got so nervous talking about it.
Noah smiled softly and caressed my cheek. “You have a poetic soul, Aria. I’d love to see that photo.”
“Nah, I’m just a die-hard romantic who’s in denial. Ms. Clare framed my picture. It’s on display in her art room.”
“Why in denial? Who’s broken your heart?” he replied with an unsettling look on his face.
“No one important, I just mean—growing up, watching the interactions between mom and Rob made me feel like love doesn’t exist. And if it’s anything similar to what they have, then I don’t want it. I felt like true love was an illusion that only existed in Hollywood films.”
“Felt, as in past tense?
What changed? Are you dating anyone?”
“I haven’t changed my mind about it. I still believe true love doesn’t exist.” I lied. “And no I’m not dating anyone.”
“Well I don’t believe for a second that you feel true love is non-existent, and I also refuse to believe that you’re not dating anyone. Look at you, you’re gorgeous.”
“Not that I have a problem with that, actually I quite prefer you staying single at least for another ten years. It’ll make my job a lot easier, and I won’t have to beat anybody up.”
We both laughed and I stared at him with so much admiration. I wondered if he felt it. “I can’t imagine you going psychotic on a potential date I bring home…”
“Trust me. You don’t want to find out. I can be a real dick sometimes. You’re too young to date anyway.”
Hmm, this seemed like a good opportunity to test out the waters.
“Well, what if I go to that rich new school you plan to get me enrolled in and I meet this really hot, charismatic guy
, and he just so happens to be captain of the swim team...”
“Right…” he smiled crookedly, humoring me.
“And also captain of the debate team, so that makes him athletic and
extremely good looking. Tall, brown hair, seductive blue eyes, muscular,
kissable lips, with a really big
….” Oh my god, I just described my father.
“Okay, let’s skip the detailed description, but go on,” Noah chuckled.
“—Heart.” I finished my sentence. He probably thought I was going to say cock
. I giggled a bit. “Would you let me date him if brought him home, and let you meet him? Especially if he passed the douchebag test with flying colours?”
“Sweetheart, first off—no guy you bring home is ever going to pass the douche bag test
with flying colours. Every man has borderline asshole tendencies, including me. It’s the guys who act
all sweet and perfect that you have to watch out for. He could kiss my ass and address me as sir
all he wants, it’s all a fake façade, because there is only one fact that remains true and obvious.”
“Oh, really? So you’re saying he wouldn’t be genuine?”
“No, he wouldn’t.”
“And why not? What if he was in love with me?”
“Boys your age are too stupid and horny to understand what love is and what it’s all about. They’re all conquered by their cocks, and forgive my bluntness and degree of vulgarity in this discussion, but I speak the truth. The only evidence that can never be gathered out of all the BS
conversations he would have with me (hypothetically speaking), is the fact that he’s strictly motivated to get you, my daughter
in bed. And there is no way in hell I’m going to allow that to happen, because I don’t want to see you shed a single tear over some bastard who will break your heart. I’d make any man cry tears of blood if they ever hurt you, but I also risk jail time because I don’t think I would let them live. So be a little compassionate and sympathetic towards your dad, and try to see things from my point of view. You mentioned that I’m still young. Well, I’m admitting that I’m too young to have hand cuffs slapped on my wrists. I would hate to have to exchange my Armani suits for orange jumpsuits for the rest of my life behind bars,” he looked at me with all seriousness, and then relaxed his expression before he started laughing.
I found it incredibly sexy that he was so territorial over me. “Was there anything you were serious about with all that you just said?”
Noah grabbed my hand and kissed it softly, while he gave me the hottest, seductive stare. Oh my god
, it was making me squirm in my seat. Okay, I’ll be honest, he probably wasn’t being seductive or sexy on purpose, it was just my sick mind that was translating those looks
in such immoral, X rated ways.
“I meant all of it, but I also know that you’re young and if I tell you no to boys, you’ll go and date some asshole behind my back. And if you get your heart shattered, you’ll keep it from me because you knew you weren’t supposed to date, and I won’t be able to comfort you and love you back to happy health. So I’d rather enforce the rule of the democratic parent as opposed to the dictating parent. You can date, but I want to meet him first and no staying out past eleven. If you’re going to have sex, use a condom please.
I really can’t imagine you as a teen mom—”
“Noah…” oh boy, this was awkward.
“You’re just so young, Aria. I wish you wouldn’t even think about boys that way—”
“I’m going to buy you a big book of STD’s, so you’ll know what the consequences of unprotected sex can look like and—”
“Dad, I’m a virgin!”
I pretty much screamed it and he immediately stopped talking. I couldn’t tell if he was more shocked that I called him dad
, or that I confessed my virginity.
“Uh, well…that’s great, Aria…that makes me feel…” there was an awkward pause “—really, very happy because…” God, he looked so uncomfortable. Ugh,
why couldn’t I have kept my mouth shut!?
“I can’t believe I just corrupted your mind with all that sex talk. I am so, so
sorry,” He ran his fingers through his hair, and then rubbed the back of his neck before he looked at me again. “Wait, your mom told you the truth about the birds and the bees
My face flushed in heat. “Noah, I know everything about the birds and the bees.
I just…haven’t done…” I lowered my voice “It
—yet.” Crossing my left leg over my right thigh, I began to fidget with my hands in my lap. “I thought that might’ve been a good thing for you to know.”
“Oh, Aria it is! Hey, look at me angel.”
I just felt embarrassed. I mean, I’m sure he was a Casanova in bed and well, me…totally inexperienced
. I’m not saying I was totally innocent. I was familiar and skilled in oral sex, but nothing beyond that.
He tilted my chin up, and gently coaxed my head in his direction until I was forced to meet his gaze. His eyes had changed into a different color under the dim lighting that surrounded us. It was like the sun was setting inside the deep blue ocean that was captured in his eyes. It was difficult to look at him because my heart just kept racing.
“It makes me so happy and proud to know that you love and respect yourself enough to understand that your body is a temple. Every young woman is like a divine Goddess. You can’t just let any person
enter your temple door, you can only allow one true man who is worthy of worshipping you every day. I’m seriously so proud of you. You just showed me that even in my absence you’ve become such a strong young woman, who doesn’t feel the need to surrender her virtue to just any guy. Whether you wanted to feel loved, or wanted to fit in, you stand firm behind your own morals. And the fact that you’re still a virgin is something you should always pride yourself about baby girl. As your father, my advice to you is to never, ever
…” he paused for dramatic emphasis, “Have sex!”
Comic relief, I seriously needed that. We both laughed out loud and he kissed my cheek before he got serious again.
“I’m just kidding, sweetheart. I know you don’t want to die an old maid
and I guarantee that won’t ever happen anyway because you’re a knock out. But since I’m your dad, and I’m sure your mother would agree with me on this when I say, wait until you’re married
. I know it sounds so unrealistic in this day and age, and it’s not like you were raised by bible thumping parents, but I was raised with a Christian upbringing, though truth be told, I’m somewhere between Atheist and Agnostic, and as sacrilegious and hypocritical as it sounds…thank God
your mother moved and took you away from your grandparents because they were unbelievably fanatic.”
There was seriously bad blood between both my families. Nana wasn’t so bad, but he had a point. My grandparents were devout Catholics, to the point where it made you want to denounce your faith. I guess that’s why we only visited them for a day during thanksgiving. Rob always complained about it. They never approved of my mother marrying him.
“Teens always tend to go over board when it comes to rebelling against strict parents who have kept them confined within prison walls for so long. They eventually break free.”
“Shawshank Redemption much
?” I laughed and he laughed with me.
“Hey, that was a good movie.”
“Yeah, it was.”
“But stay on topic. Don’t distract me.”
I couldn’t help but laugh a bit. Our conversation flowed so naturally. Nothing felt forced. We brushed up on some pretty serious topics, and he had this amazing ability to take the heaviness and awkwardness away from our discussion by adding humour, feeding off my sarcasm. Anytime I got sarcastic with mom or my step dad, they usually bitched at me, and just couldn’t understand that I was trying to lighten the conversation.
“So anyway, my point is—”
I watched him intently, not wanting him to finish because I so enjoyed the sound of his voice. Noah cursed and then apologized for cussing out loud. I thought I’d help him out. “Your point is
you’re proud that I am who I am today, and that many unfortunate things have happened, but it could’ve been worse, a lot worse. And you’re happy that throughout my turbulent times, I was able to rise above it.”
He smiled warmly at me and pulled me into his chest, wrapping his arms around me. “That’s exactly my point .See, that’s another reason why I love you. You’re on the same wave length as me.”
I couldn’t hide my smile, or the fact that I was bordering on becoming addicted to him, especially that cologne. G
od, I was convinced it was Givenchy
“You’re so strong, Aria. That day when I saw you enter the courtroom, I could see your inner strength. I could feel it. I felt it in my gut, and my instincts are never wrong.”
His words were really affecting me. I had known my father all but three days, and he was already beginning to have such a huge impact on me. Was this because of a blood bond forged between us? Or some genetic occurrence that transpired when one created a child? I couldn’t figure it out, all I knew was that I felt a cosmic connection with Noah, and the fact that I was his daughter was crushing me, because I aware of the fact that he would never look at me that
I slipped out of my momentary melancholy when I heard a knock at the door.
“Pizza’s here, I’ll be right back sweet heart,” he stood up, grabbed his wallet and sauntered over to the door. I still couldn’t get over how incredibly fashionable my father was. He definitely
had a nice ass. I was so prepared to confront him with unleashed resentment and anger, but something changed inside of me when I saw him in that courtroom. It wasn’t that my anger had completely vanished. It was just sleeping, dormant like an inactive volcano. At that point I wasn’t sure what it would take to make me explode in molten lava and become the force of nature that I truly was. All my negative emotions were so suppressed. I think I was reserving all my hate for my dad. Every beating that I got from Rob, anytime anything went wrong in my life, I blamed my father and I was just waiting for the day when I could look him up, show up at his door, blast him and make him rue the day he ever left me behind. But instead, things took an unexpected turn in my life. He came and found me, tipping the scales between love and hate.
The only thing that made my scale complicated was that I felt a certain kind of love that I shouldn’t have been feeling. At that point I think it was safe to say I had the biggest crush on him, but if I could give you a visual, then picture this; on the left side of the scale was ‘LOVE YOU LIKE A LOVER’
, an on the right side was ‘LOVE YOU LIKE A DAUGHTER’
—which side do you think tipped the scale? The right side was completely weightless, because everything I was feeling tipped towards the left. I couldn’t even begin to understand why. It was frustrating me, emotionally, physically and mentally.
“Do you want to eat on the sofa?”
I looked up at him and broke my train of thought. “Yeah, sure, let me help you out with the plates.”oOo
The pizza was really good, and I discovered that my dad loved tabasco sauce on his pie just like me. Was that a coincidence, or a particular food preference caused by genetic influence? I wasn’t sure, but I really loved how laid back he was. We sat and ate while he told me more about his trips to Europe.
“You’re so lucky. I’ve always wanted to go to these places.”
“I’ll take you all over the world. I promise you that.”
I smiled like an idiot. All this smiling was seriously going to give me premature wrinkles. Not cool.
“I’ve already figured out that you have an appreciation for art, so I think Italy would be the first place I’d take you. They have beautiful galleries in Florence and the country itself is immersed in artistic history. Is that what you want to major in, the Arts?”
I wasn’t sure if I should tell him honestly what I always wanted to be growing up, but I decided to open up and share.
“When I was five, I knew I wanted to be an actor. And then when I was ten, I was convinced that I wanted to be a singer, and I can definitely carry notes without going off pitch while singing, but that dream was short lived,” I laughed a bit as he just stared at me, intrigued by my story and never taking his eyes off me.
“But by the time my 13th birthday came around, I had decided that I wanted a modelling career, and here I am at 16 years old and still secretly desiring it. Mom never enrolled me to any modelling agencies, so I have zero experience, and Rob looked down on me for even considering it. He said models are drugged up anorexic sluts that fuck cock and pussy every night to stay in shape—”
I stopped when Noah choked on his drink. Oh god, I totally lost control of my mouth while I rambled on.
“Are you alright? I’m sorry, I was just quoting him.”
He coughed a few times, pounding his chest, waving at me to continue. “Yeah, I’m fine—just went down the wrong way.”
I’m surprised he didn’t cuss me out the way my stepdad usually did. Maybe he was trying to leave a good impression on me.
“So, I just buried my head in academics and art. I really suck at math and science, and at this point I think my best shot is becoming an English teacher.”
“Well, you’re certainly well-spoken in your words, Aria. Your vocabulary is very rich and mature.”
“English, history, art and social studies are my strongest subjects. Don’t ask me to tell you my math or science grade because it’s embarrassing.”
Noah chuckled a bit and smiled. “I can get you the best tutor when you come live with me. Your marks will improve significantly. And although I do support the academic route in life, I want to fully support you as well on pursuing your dream because it’s not too late. And
…” he paused and drew in a deep breath. “That idiot step dad of yours doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Every industry can be risky and dangerous, but it’s important to have a good group of people around you to keep you grounded, and I promise that I’ll never leave your side.”
I was feeling so much joy in that moment that I could hardly contain my happiness.
“I still want you to get into a good university, because you always need to have a plan B in case Plan A falls through. But I tell you what, I have multiple connections with very important people, I can get you into a good agency, and you can do some modelling on the side while you’re studying at university. How does that sound?”
“Do you really mean all that?” I was so surprised and so happy, that it was making me emotional.
“Aria, you are beyond beautiful. If I had it my way, I’d personally lock you up and keep your beauty hidden from the world. But if this is what makes you
happy, then I’ll do whatever I can to stand behind you and help you achieve your dreams.”
This was just so unreal. Why, why
was he so perfect?
“Aw baby, don’t cry. Come here.”
It’s true, he evoked so much emotion out of me that it brought me to tears, because for once in my life, I felt like an angel had fallen from the heavens and came to my rescue. He wrapped his big strong arms around me and kissed my head, kneading his fingers through my hair.
“I mean it, Aria. I’m not going anywhere.
I shivered as he whispered in my ear. My heart was racing so fast that I was scared he would hear it. His body felt so familiar to me, as if it belonged to me. I don’t know why I felt this way, perhaps because I was feeling territorial of him. Maybe it was the beginning stages of possessiveness. I didn’t know and I didn’t want to keep questioning it, because when he held me in his arms, the storm in my chest suddenly calmed and faded away.
“I love you baby girl.” Oh please say it again.
I had been so deprived of love. Is that what I was feeling? Love deprivation? I had a mother who cared for me and loved me in her own way, yet I never felt that it was enough. Was I just a needy person? Always needing and wanting more? Or was I in love with this beautiful man who made me melt whenever he looked at me, and made my heart flutter when he spoke with sweet words to me. He made my stomach tighten and twist in knots whenever he was close to me…this man made me feel many conflicting emotions that society would deem as wrong
Was I a bad person for feeling this way? Was I Hell spawn? I wondered what he would think if he knew half the things that went through my mind whenever he was around me.
Noah withdrew and held my face, staring at me with such intensity that heated me beyond the physical plane. He set fire to my frozen soul. His fingertips felt cold, probably because of the icy water bottle he had been holding. Eyes of fire, touch of ice.
I made a mental note to write that in my diary when I got home.
“Let’s lighten up the evening with a little music, huh?” he smiled charismatically at me and rose to his feet.
“I’ll clean up.”
“No, leave the plates and pizza boxes.”
I watched him with curiosity as he took turned on the stereo, shuffling through some tracks. It took only a few seconds before I heard the familiar voice of Frank Sinatra and his famous song; Fly Me To The Moon.
I laughed when he started to sway with the music, walking towards me.
“I didn’t know you can dance!” I stood up and looked at him as he stepped in front of me and held out his hand.
“Dance with me.”
I couldn’t stop myself from giggling.
“Oh come on, Aria. You said you can dance. Show me.”
“Yeah, Latin dance.
Not umm…” but before I could finish he pulled me into his arms leaving me almost breathless.
“I’ll lead, you follow.”
Noah looked so unbelievably adorable, and I couldn’t stop smiling. He spun me around and I placed my hand on his shoulder while he held my right hand in his, placing his free hand on the curve of my spine. He led me around the room, until we planted our feet in the center of the floor to ceiling window. It was dark out now and the city looked beautiful outside.Fly me to the moon
Let me swing among those stars
Let me see what spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars
Fill my heart with song
Let me sing forever more
You are all I long for
All I worship and adore.
Sinatra sang the lyrics as we danced through the whole song. I laughed when he twirled me around like a ballerina. His moved were definitely impressive. How was he so flawless in everything? Did he even realize the way he was continuously charming me? Noah pulled me in closer to his body and we danced by the window, gently swaying side to side to the beat of the music.
“You didn’t step on my feet.”
“Were you expecting me to?”
“Maybe,” he chuckled. “I pulled some pretty advanced dance moves on you before I brought it down a couple levels. Did you take ballroom dancing or something?”
I smiled and shook my head. “Not exactly.”
“You said you’re familiar with Latin dance. Where did you learn and which dances?”
“Salsa, samba, but the one dance that I’m definitely confident in is bachatta
“Bachatta? Wow…that’s a very sensual dance. Who taught you?”
“Alison has Latina roots. Her mom’s a dance instructor and has a private studio in the basement of her house. The first time I went to Ally’s place, she gave me a full tour and when we went downstairs, her mom was teaching a class, all beginners and all of them teens. There was this boy there and his partner was sick so she asked me if I could volunteer for a couple minutes and dance with him…and I did. Apparently I really impressed her because I learned the dance steps and choreography very quickly. She said I was a natural and encouraged me to participate in her classes. When I told her I couldn’t afford it, she offered to mentor me, free of charge…and I accepted. This was last year.”
“You never cease to amaze me.”
I blushed, totally flattered by his compliment. He gently brushed his hand down my lower back and I shivered in reaction.
“Are you cold? I can turn up the heat.”
“No, I’m fine.” Dammit, he noticed.
Noah suddenly spun me around and dipped me while I giggled.
“You have the cutest laugh.”
“I love your
laugh,” I confessed, as he held me in that dip position. His eyes were penetrating right through me. He didn’t say anything, but I watched his lips curve up into a sexy, crooked smile. I bet he was used to hearing that. I wondered how many women have told him this. Probably hundreds, thousands
? Ugh, how original Aria.
I thought in dismay.
“You’re too sweet to me,” he slowly guided my body back up on my feet, and kissed my forehead. The song had ended.
Was I being too sweet? Maybe I should’ve toned it down.
“Let’s put the pizza away and watch a movie or something. The night is still young.”
I smiled and followed him. This man is a god, kill me now, please.
Those were my last thoughts.oOo
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with this note attached, it has been posted without my permission.
<a href="http://www.lushstories.com/stories/incest/i-shouldnt-feel-this-way-chapter-6.aspx">I Shouldn't Feel This Way- Chapter 6</a>