I had to close my jaw shut when I saw my dad unbuttoning his shirt in front of me. Oh. My. God.
Okay, I was exaggerating a bit. He walked past me
while unbuttoning his shirt. But I saw enough! I think I there was a hint of a tattoo on his chest, but the rest of his black shirt covered it. Noah had a serious six pack.
“I’m just going to change out of this shirt, be right with you—pick a movie you want to watch. I’ve got Netflix!” he hollered out from the bedroom.
It was hard to focus on finding a movie when all I could think about was the image of his somewhat naked body in front of my eyes.
He returned after a short while, dressed in a black tank top and light blue jeans that were low rise. I could tell because they hugged his hips a little loosely and he wasn't wearing a belt. My dad had the most amazing body I had ever seen. Oh my god…if I could fan myself, or faint, I would. His arms were toned, his shoulders sculpted, light tanned skin, his tank top accentuated his V shaped midsection like the most perfect inverted triangle. And I swear I saw a ripple of muscle protruding from the fabric that wrapped around his abdomen. It was the first time I saw him dressed so casually. He looked like someone I could meet at a bar or at college, and I would totally be attracted to him. Had I met him that way, I definitely would’ve tried something
to get his attention. But unfortunately, we weren't under those kinds of circumstances. Noah was my dad. He was young, and attractive, successful and totally sweet, but nonetheless, my father
I couldn't see any visible tattoos on him, which made me conclude that they were possibly on more intimate places on his body. There was a part of me that seriously wanted to give into the benefit of the doubt and suggest he get a paternity test done. You know…just to be sure I am
really his. Was I suggesting that my mother was a slut? No! Definitely not! Although I would’ve gladly forgiven her if I didn’t
end up being his. Then I could’ve had my happily ever after…maybe? Ugh,
a girl can dream.
“Did you pick a film, angel?”
I had to close my eyes and secretly enjoy the pleasure of smelling his cologne. That’s it! I was going to ask him, and I planned to make it sound as normal and innocent as possible. No ulterior motive…nope.
“What kind of cologne are you wearing?” well, that was straight to the point, wasn’t it? Great job on subtlety Aria! Not.
I silently scolded myself.
He turned his head and looked at me. “Why? Is it too strong? Are you getting a headache?”
“What?” I screwed up my face and shook my head. “No! I love the smell.”
“Okay, that’s a relief. It’s Play by Givenchy.
I knew it was Givenchy! “Why would you think it would give me a headache?”
“Vanessa is sensitive to perfume and cologne fragrances. She gets headaches if I wear certain brands, so I just thought maybe you’re the same.” Well I’m sorry dad, but she is nuts. You smell like heaven. I secretly confessed.
He sat down on the long lounging sofa across from the television and played the film I had randomly chosen.
“The Dark Knight Rises—haven’t seen it yet. Nice choice. I’m a fan of the films. By the way, before I forget, do you want any popcorn, snacks or anything?”
I sat down next to him and shook my head. “No, I’m still stuffed from dinner.”
“Okay, just making sure.”
There was a bit of a space between us, and I secretly prayed he would just pull me into his arms and cuddle me. I rubbed my arm a bit and he immediately noticed. It’s like he had amazing reflexes or something.
“Are you cold? Come here.” Thank you God for miraculously answering my prayers!
I scooted in closer to him as he lifted his right arm and rested it on the top edge of the sofa. I was nervous, and my heart rate was accelerating by the second, being around Noah made me feel like I was on a never ending roller coaster. You know that rise and fall feeling you get when you’re on a scary thrill ride? You reach the top of the ride and you’re just waiting, anticipating that free fall moment, where you either; A.
scream your lungs out. B.
close your eyes and breathe it out to the verge of hyperventilation, or C.
just look down and stay silent because you pretty much go into shock. Well, for me it was all of the above. That’s how he made me feel. At that moment I was doing the ‘A’
part in my head. Screw going to an amusement park!
“Aria, your arms are cold.”
“Yeah, but I’ll warm up.” His body was like a heat pad.
He rubbed my arm gently, and the sudden contact was spreading goose bumps all over my skin. I felt a bit embarrassed because I was sure he noticed it.
“Did you see the previous films before this one?” his voice was relaxed, deep, yet a little husky. I bit my lip and tried to calm myself. Forcing recovery from the whirlwind of emotions that were hitting me seemed near impossible. It was too much sensory overload at once; sight, smell, hearing, touch
. I didn’t know which one was more perceptive compared to the others.
“Yeah, I saw them. They were good. I love Christian Bale.”
“He’s a great actor. Is he your favorite?”
“Michael Douglas is my favorite.”
“Well that’s unusual. I was expecting you’d mention someone like Dicaprio
I laughed and tried to focus on the action sequence that was taking place on the TV screen. I was bold enough to shift a bit, and press my ear right against his chest.
Oh my god, I could hear his heartbeat. It was like a slow pounding drum rhythm. Every beat echoed louder and louder in my ear, making my blood rush in my veins. As if I was going under some sort of hypnosis, in a trance, right under his compulsion. Noah’s body had magical properties, and I was falling under a spell that I couldn’t seem to break. Was this a curse? Was I born an abomination to the human race? Had God decided to punish me for being born out of wedlock from two parents who were almost kids themselves when they procreated me? Was God even on my side in this? Or was I giving into the lustful temptations of the flesh that Lucifer was whispering in my ear. Where do you even draw the line between good and evil in this situation? Had I gone so far off the spectrum of purity that I was corrupting my own innocence without even realizing it? Without understanding that my desire for my father was strictly sin and nothing more?
No, I didn’t want to believe that. I didn’t want to justify these feelings with explanations that would place a huge red stop sign in front of me. I didn’t want to see it. I wanted to ignore it and pretend the stop sign didn’t even exist because those feelings…the way he affected me, never made me feel more alive. To take away those emotions and label them as wrong
was too heart breaking. For me it was emotional suicide.
That moment right there was so valuable to me, because we were exchanging energy between each other. Our bodies were exchanging heat; input, output, circulating as one. I felt like I was one with him.
“Wow, your hair smells amazing. Is that vanilla and strawberry?” he leaned forward and sniffed my hair a bit as I giggled.
“Yeah, it’s the shampoo I use.”
“I love your hair. It’s so thick and shiny. You could always be a hair model on those Pantene Pro V
commercials. Ever thought about that? Don’t even think about doing Herbal Essences.
“Because shampooing your hair is nowhere near orgasmic.”
I laughed in response. “I prefer the runway.”
He chuckled lightly and kissed my head. “Okay, princess. It’s your dream.”oOo
Thirty minutes later, I mustered up the courage to snuggle closer to him and rest my hand on his chest. I was scared shitless making the attempt, but he didn’t flinch or reject my hand. He was sitting with his feet comfortably propped up on the coffee table that was stationed at a close distance across from the sofa, and I was sure he was engrossed in the movie. There were so many things going through my mind and I was too distracted by other thoughts to even pay attention to the movie, but I just stared and watched the screen as if I was a blind person. Unfortunately my hearing wasn’t all that hyper sensitive at that moment. Everything was going in one ear and out the other, like I had programmed some kind of filter in my head that would catch his words and register his dialogue in case he spoke, while my ears tuned out surrounding audio around me, processing it as insignificant. His heart beat was the only sound I wanted to hear. My chest suddenly felt heavy, and I wasn’t sure why. With every bit of affection that he gave me, it left me craving more. What do you want Aria? Just say it.
My subconscious whispered to me. No, I wouldn’t say it. Not out loud, and not within the safe silence in my mind.
“Oh man! That scene was awesome!”
“Aw, I’m sorry angel—didn’t mean to scare you,” Noah squeezed me in his arms and kissed my head again, moving a lazy hand up and down my arm. His fingertips lightly brushed against my skin, and the scent of his intoxicating cologne teased my senses as I listened to the sound of his heart beating in a synchronized rhythm. Finger tips, heat, breathing, cologne, touch, smell, heat, desire, adrenaline, finger tips, skin, heat, skin, heat, skin, sex.
My mind was reeling and the moment my subconscious mind finally revealed what I was hiding deep within the compartments of my do not read files
, all thoughts came to a screeching halt and the only thing I processed afterwards was that I wanted him and I wanted him to want me.
I decided to use every part of my sexuality to make him see me the way I saw him, because from that moment, it became clear to me that I could never ever love him like a daughter. I had already proven that with my imaginary, hypothetical scale. It was only a matter of time before I full out admitted it to myself. There were only two possible outcomes to this tragic love story that I was unexpectedly pulled into; I would win his heart, body and soul, or I would make him feel repulsed by me and he would leave me forever. This was a chance I was willing to take, because there was no way I could ever be happy being only a daughter to him. Being estranged from my father forever would’ve been an acceptable fate if there was no happy ending for me. Call it selfish, I didn’t care. I had a right to be selfish for once in my life. My mind was made up, and with that, I strengthened myself and pretended that I had an ego tall enough to push me to execute my next move.
Slowly, and carefully I leaned sideways and slumped my shoulder down his chest, past his stomach, until I was resting my head on his lap. I was freaking out, my heart was beating like a hammer, but the adrenaline was exciting at the same time.
“Are you tired, sweetheart?” Shit.
“No, I just wanted to get more comfortable,” I curled up into a ball, holding my knees to my chest and then felt him wrap a throw blanket over my body.
“Well, get comfortable. It’s a long movie.”
I took a moment to just calm the beating organ in my chest that was nearly bordering on a heart attack, and rested one hand on his thigh so that my neck was positioned more securely. He placed his feet on the ground. I assume because he felt the elevated angle was hurting my neck. I didn’t mind though.
Minutes later I felt him brush his fingers through my hair, gently playing with my long dark locks. I closed my eyes and enjoyed it. He was arousing me. Automatically, I began to fantasize his hand lingering down my arm, over the curve of my hip that was shaped like an hourglass, before resting his hand right on my ass, rubbing and groping me. And then he would tell me to turn and lay on my back, and I’d obey and stare up at him. His eyes would be wild and drenched with lust and desire for me and he would gaze at my body as if it belonged to him. Then he would unbutton my jeans, and slide his hands down my panties, to feel a very tight, and sodden— “Holy shit! That was badass! Did you see that?”
And poof went that fantasy. “Oh yeah…wow…” I pretended to pay attention. My little steamy dream bubble popped and disappeared forever into an unknown abyss, never to be retrieved again. If I was cold before, my body had definitely heated up. I felt like a thermostat burning at a maximum high temperature. I quickly resolved to abandon my devious thoughts and actually attempt to really pay attention to the film. It would’ve seriously sucked if he asked me about it afterwards and all I’d be able to say was; ‘My favourite parts in the film? Umm…all of it?’ Lame, Aria. Very lame.
They were over halfway into the film when Noah felt like Aria was a little too quiet. He slowly leaned forward and carefully peered down at her angelic face. She had fallen asleep. He smiled a bit and grabbed the TV remote. With a quick push of the power button, he switched off the television and gently scooped his daughter up in his arms. But before he could stand up, her eyes fluttered open and she was staring right up at him with sleepy blue eyes.
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with this note attached, it has been posted without my permission.
<a href="http://www.lushstories.com/stories/incest/i-shouldnt-feel-this-way-chapter-7.aspx">I Shouldn't Feel This Way- Chapter 7</a>