I Shouldn't Feel This Way- Chapter 9

Chapter 9 
NOAH 
“I can give you a pair of my shorts and a T shirt to wear since we didn’t exactly buy you night time attire.”

I rummage through my closet and toss her a pair of my navy blue shorts that had a pull string around the stretchy waist band and a white T shirt that was clearly too big for her size.

“You’ll probably disappear in my clothing, but at least you’ll sleep comfortably.”

“Thanks.”

God, I love her smile. It’s adorable.

I grab a pair of slacks and step into the bathroom to change and brush my teeth.

Today was certainly an interesting day…I still want to beat that mother fucker up before leaving NYC. I can’t wait for the moment where I can personally deliver my fist to his mouth, but I guess I’ll have to be patient for the time being. Besides, how can I stay mad when Aria’s around? It’s like she magically makes my rage disappear, and also appears to be the cure for my nicotine cravings. I was so close to lighting up tonight. In some ways, I’m glad she interrupted my little love affair with cigarettes.

I take a moment to just stare at my reflection in the mirror, because I’m worried that I might walk out of the bathroom while she’s indecent. I consider myself a high maintenance kind of guy. I take care of my skin, my body, and in general my overall appearance. I’ve always been that way.

I’m about to look away when something catches my eye. I peer in closer towards the mirror and stare at a couple thin stretched lines that are fading in around the corner of my eyes. What the hell? Wrinkles? Fuck. No.

I’m disturbed by the thought of aging; Dorian Gray Syndrome much?

With a heavy sigh, I open the medicine cabinet and grab a tube of my anti-aging cream. This shit better work. I’ve been using it as a part of my daily skincare regimen every morning for the past two weeks. I know I look young for my age, but getting older makes me paranoid, so every time I see any signs of aging on my face, I go above and beyond to try and stop the clock. Believe it or not, there are men out there that don’t like getting old just as much as women. We live in a superficial society, surrounded by superficial people. If you go to a job interview with all the right credentials, looking like an unattractive fat slob, they’re going to discriminate against you and hire the guy who’s got some of the expected qualifications because he looks like a million bucks. It doesn’t matter if you’re a man, or a woman. If you’re intelligent and you look good, chances are you’re going to go further in life compared to the average Joe and plain Jane. That’s just how society is, don’t crucify me for it, I didn’t write the rules.

I grab my dental floss and quickly floss my teeth before I walk out of the bathroom. When I see my daughter, I’m stunned and find myself slightly mute for the longest five seconds. Aria’s standing a few feet away from me and she’s changed into my clothes alright…except she’s not wearing my shorts.

“Um, your shorts are way too big.” She says to me.

I try not to stare at her legs because I can tell that she feels somewhat uncomfortable.

“Don’t worry about it. You’re getting under the covers anyway.” I walk past her and try not to look back. My T shirt was definitely big on her, but it wasn’t long enough to cover her knees, if she raised her arms, I’m pretty sure I would’ve been able to see her panties. Okay…yeah…not going there.

“Do you have any mouth wash?”

“Yeah it’s in the cabinet underneath the sink.”

I felt relieved when she walked inside the bathroom and shut the door.

It doesn’t take very long for her to return and I’ve already got the covers pulled back so she can quickly get under them and I can tuck her in like a good father would.

“You must be exhausted, come get in bed.”

She obeys and I watch as her tiny little frame disappears under the big duvet cover. Okay, now it’s safe to lay beside her, though I don’t get under the covers with her. Instead, I prop up a pillow behind me against the headboard and recline back into it, shifting just a bit until I get comfortable. When I turn my body towards her, I notice that she’s pulled the covers down a bit so that her upper body is visible, but everything from the waist down is covered under the sheets. Thank god. Okay I admit it…legs are my weakness. I love every part of a woman’s body, but there’s something about a nice pair of killer legs that just makes me so…

“Noah?”

I tune out my thoughts and look at her. “Yes baby girl?”

“Thank you for today. You know, for everything.”

It amazes me how she’s so appreciative of everything that I do for her, even the little things, probably because she’s been so deprived of materialistic luxuries growing up. In some ways I can never forgive my mother for playing God with my life, but I know that I can’t place all the blame on her…or Emily.

“Aria I love spoiling you. Don’t consider today as the last time. You have many more shopping sprees to come.”

Her eyes light up as she smiles and moves in closer to me, hugging my body while the smell of her strawberry, vanilla shampoo entices my senses.

I brush her silky hair back with my fingers and kiss her on the head. “Close your eyes angel, you need your sleep.”

“Mmmm, you feel so warm.” I listen to her hum while she rests her head on my chest.

“Can you tell me a story?”

I chuckle a bit because I wasn’t expecting that.

“Aren’t you a little too old for stories?”

I smile when she giggles, and melt when she looks up at me with those baby blue eyes.

“You said you want to make up for lost time. Well, here’s your chance. I want to hear my first bed time story.”

“Aria, I’m horrible at story telling.” A child would be more capable of carrying out such a task.

“You’re going to need practice anyway if you and Vanessa are planning to have kids.”

True. Dammit.

“What do you think storybooks are for?”

“Oh come on….please daddy?”

She’s totally breaking down my tough guy exterior. I take a deep breath and think. Okay, what the hell, how bad can it be? Hopefully my story will bore her to sleep. I cuddle her as she snuggles up closest to me.

“Once upon a time in a faraway land….” Jeez, how original. “A beautiful princess was born into the world. Her name was Princess Aria.”

Her melodious giggling makes me smile again and is distracting me from continuing, but I try.

“And she was the most gorgeous and precious little child to have ever been seen by anyone who was lucky enough to look upon her angelic face.” I run my fingers through her hair while I attempt improvised narration.

“The King was the youngest King to ever rule the land and he was devastated when his princess was taken away from him during night, never to be seen again. He swore that he would never rest until he found his daughter. And so he searched far and wide, gathering his knights and forming an army, invading every village and town looking for his long lost princess. He became notoriously known as The Mad King Noah…”

I’m pretty much babbling for over ten minutes, trying to piece a make belief story together that’s themed by real life events, and slowly, but surely, she falls fast asleep. I kiss her head and softly whisper into her hair;

“After many battles fought, and so much blood shed…he finally found his princess, and King Noah swore he would never let Princess Aria out of his sight again, because she was the only reason why he lived to exist. Without her, his life was meaningless.”

I slowly but carefully lay her head down on her pillow and then quietly slip out of bed. Before leaving the room, I switch off the lamp and grab an extra pillow for myself. Tomorrow would be a busy day for me and I wasn’t looking forward to it, especially since I knew I wouldn’t be seeing Aria in the evening.

I pull off my tank top and throw it on the coffee table before I lie down on the sofa. It takes me a little while to find my comfy spot, but I eventually decide to lie down on my back, folding my hands behind my head on the pillow. There are so many things going through my mind that it makes it difficult for sleep to come any sooner. I’ve got this big case I’m working on and it’s stressing me out because it’s getting dragged out longer than I’d like. Being a corporate lawyer has its pros and cons. I’ve never lost a case though. Noah Hunter doesn’t lose.

I’m worried about my wife. I think Vanessa’s getting addicted to cosmetic plastic surgery. Last year she got two breast implant replacements, liposuction on her stomach and thighs, and a brow lift. I had this huge fight with her before coming here because of her Botox addiction, and because she wanted to get collagen lip injections. I told her I don’t want to kiss fish lips and see a permanent trout pout on my wife and we argued back and forth about how she hates her lips, blah, blah, long story short; I threatened to divorce her if she did it (which I wouldn’t) but I felt like an asshole when she started crying, telling me that she’s always felt insecure about her image and that she just wants to look perfect.

What the hell is wrong with women? I mean, they blame us men for promoting all these painful beauty practises when they’re the ones who are insisting to go under the knife while we’re more than happy with their natural beauty. I never forced her or suggested that she get a pair of fake silicone tits, in fact one of the reasons why I popped the question to Vanessa in the first place was because, out of all the women that I was acquainted with, she was the most down to earth and genuine person.

Six months into our marriage she started hanging out with all the wives of my partners at the firm and I guess the influence of those middle aged Barbies distorted her outlook on beauty. The glamour of living a Hollywood life really rubbed off on her and now I’m living with a cast mate from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills replacing the woman I married instead.

I try not to upset myself thinking about her so much as I grab my cellphone and set my alarm so that I won’t sleep in, and when I look up, I see Aria standing right above me. My eyes have adjusted to the darkness so I’m able to see the terrified expression on her face.

“Aria? Are you alright?”

“I had a nightmare…”

She’s shaking and instinctively I sit up and grab her hand, pulling her toward me. She curls up in my lap and starts to cry.

“Sweetheart talk to me, it’s okay, it was just a nightmare.” I try to console her as best I can while she covers her face with her hands.

“I’m sorry.” She whimpers.

“Don’t hide your face, it’s okay to cry.” I gently remove her hand and wipe her tears away with my thumb.

“You were gone, I woke up and you had left. I tried to call your phone and it was disconnected and all your things were missing.” She sounded like she was having a panic attack. It broke my heart.

“Aria I haven’t’ left, I promised you I would never leave. It was just a nightmare angel; you don’t have to be afraid. Look at me, look into my eyes.”

She slowly tilts her head up and meets my gaze.

“Do you love me?” Her vulnerability is moving me.

“More than I love anyone else in my life.”

She suddenly shifts her weight so that she’s sitting astride, facing me and then she does something that completely catches me off guard. The white oversized T shirt that I had given her to wear slides right off her body. Within a blink of an eye she threw it over her head and tossed it behind her.

She’s wearing a white push up bra with pink lace panties and I am officially freaking out.

“Then prove it.”

“Aria what are you—”

I’m not able to finish what I was saying because my hands have suddenly landed on her breasts, and I swear this didn’t happen on my own free will, she grabbed my wrists and placed them there.

“I know you want me.”

“Stop this! You’re my daughter!” I pull my hands away but she wraps her arms around my shoulders and pulls her body in closer to mine, locking me in my seat.

“You don’t love me?” There’s palpable pain in her eyes and it’s weighing down my chest because I want nothing more than to take that agony away, but how? What is she asking of me?

“I do, more than my life.” My heart’s beating so fast, reminding me of my near death experience when I almost overdosed eight years ago.

“Then show me.”

I’m desperately trying to shackle myself to a wall in my mind, but she’s standing right in front of me, almost naked and the animal within wants to break free and ravage her.

Her hands brush up and down my chest before she leans in and kisses my neck. My body reacts and I have an instant hard on pressing right against her barely there panties. Good god, I need to stop this.

“Aria stop! I said stop!” I lose control of my temper as I roughly grab her shoulders and shove her away from me. I meant to use a stern tone, applying an authoritative disciplinary parenting tactic, but I wound up sounding like a raging crazed maniac in dire need of anger management, and to make matters worse, I don’t think I quite know my own strength, because she recoiled from me, rubbing the areas where my hands were with tears in her eyes.

I feel like shit.

“I’m…I’m sorry I didn’t mean to yell or hurt you.”

“No, it’s my mistake. Of course you wouldn’t want me.” I watch her run into the bedroom and before I could catch up and go after her, she walks out with her jeans on, throwing her shirt over her head and turning on the light so she could find her coat and shoes.

This was bad. She was going to leave me. No, no, no, no!

“Aria wait! Where are you going?” I’m panicking, as I rush towards her and grab her arm.

“I’m leaving, I can’t stay here another minute.”

“It’s the middle of the night, I can’t let you go and walk the streets at this hour!” I’m desperately trying to control my splintering temper.

“Let go of me!” She yanks her arm away and grabs her jacket.

How could this be happening? How?

I’ve only cried twice in my life. Once when my grandmother passed away, I was six years old and the second time when I had gotten so high and drunk that I wanted to kill myself from the guilt I felt about abandoning my daughter. This was going to be the third time I was going to allow myself to break down because she was going to leave me and I was desperate for her not to go.

“Aria, Aria listen to me.” Fresh hot tears haze my vision.

I step in front of the entrance door, blocking her route of escape. She won’t look at me, but I can see the tears in her eyes.

“Move Noah!”

“No! Look at me!” My voice is strained with emotion as I yell at her, masking my hurt with anger.

Those beautiful angelic eyes look up at me, mascara and eyeliner running down her cheeks, and it just breaks my heart a thousand times over. My adrenaline is spiked on overdrive, I’m achingly constricted in my boxer briefs and I’m trying to pull myself together at the same time.

“Take off your jacket.”

“No.”

“Take it off.”

“No! Why?”

“Why are you so stubborn!? Take it off!” I close the gap between us, unzip her coat and pull it off her body with force as it falls to the ground.

I don’t know what the fuck is happening, but I can sense all self-control abandoning me with every second passing.

I swallow hard, and search her eyes. She’s scared of me, I can see it, I can feel it, I can smell her fear. Good.

My inner beast is breaking the shackles off from the wall and soon there will be nothing left to hold me back from her.

“You don’t love me! You don’t care about me!” She’s furious and emotional and I want to pull her in my arms to convince her otherwise.

“You don’t know half of what I feel for you Aria…” I control the anger in my voice, staring at her with such intensity that she backs away, intimidated by me. My right wrist goes free as the metal shackles fall to the ground, and now there’s only the left side binding me, keeping me chained to the wall, my inner demon wild and struggling to free itself from the subconscious prison in my mind.

She takes another step back and I match her footsteps.

“I hate you! I hate you Noah!”

“The line between love and hate is very thin Aria.”

My chest is completely exposed and I let her stab dagger after dagger deep into my heart, because I’m her father, I can survive it, but I still refuse to cry in front of her.

“I want to go home. Take me home!” She stands her ground, and challenges me.

I close my eyes, clenching my jaw, focusing all my strength, as the gatekeeper who protects all my subconscious thoughts walks away from the door that says; DO NOT ENTER, because he knows fully well what’s going to happen behind that door, and he knows there’s no point in protecting it anymore, because he’s gained full knowledge that I’m completely aware of what’s behind it.

I walk through the threshold and watch myself finally breaking free of my left shackle, while I rub both my wrists before I look up and stare at angel eyes. There’s nothing and no one left to restrain my demon.

“Take off your shirt.”

Everything happened so slow in my head, it seemed hard to believe that only three seconds had gone by when I opened my eyes and stared into my daughter’s face.

She looks at me, confused, placing one foot behind her. I take a step closer to her like a maddened hungry wolf.

“Take it off, everything. Now.”

Aria doesn’t move. She’s standing frozen, in shock.

“Am I not making myself clear?” I reach for the buttons of her jeans and undo them, unzipping her fly and then pulling her pants down hard and fast. There’s too much adrenaline coursing through my body, and I’m more beast than man at the moment.

She pulls off her shirt and steps out of her jeans.

“You win Aria.” I grab her and throw her over my shoulder then walk into the bedroom where I throw her down on the bed.

She gasps as I effortlessly rip her panties off revealing the most beautiful little cunt I’ve ever seen. It was evident that she waxed due to the lack of pubic hair.

“You little liar, you said you’re a virgin.”

“I am!”

“Well I guess I’m about to find out.”

“Daddy, please go gentle.”

But I couldn’t, I wouldn’t. The idea that another man had been inside her was making me crazy. I need to claim her.

I quickly disrobe and lean forward so that I’m on top of her, in between her legs. My cock is dripping with pre cum and I need release badly.

She’s breathing so hard, looking up at me with those innocent little eyes. No, they’re not innocent, they’re far from innocent.

She spreads her legs for me as I grab my cock and shove all nine and a half inches inside of her in one forceful thrust, skipping foreplay and going straight to penetration, because the wolf inside of me desired it. She screams as soon as I bury my cock deep inside of her, the crushing reality hitting me hard; she wasn’t lying, I just took her virginity. My whole body is quivering in so much pleasure that I can hardly breathe.

“Oh Jeezus, fuck! You’re so tight!” My chest heaves up and down as I keep my cock inside of her, throbbing and stretching the walls of her virgin hole. It’s too late to stop, and turn back. I need to penetrate her, I need to fill her up with my seed.

“Daddy, it hurts.” She whimpers, tears filling her eyes.

The wolf within me backs away, satisfied with his conquest as the man emerges from behind him, taking control over the beast.

I lean forward, tenderly kissing her face, kissing her eyes while I slowly move in and out of her tight slick entrance. She wraps her arms around my neck and I feel her warm lips press against mine. They feel so familiar and the sensation is only making me desire her more. She parts her sensuous lips, inviting my tongue inside as I take her, drinking her soul in a heated kiss.

“Don’t you…[kiss]…dare…[kiss]…leave me…[kiss]…Aria.” I kiss her with unrelenting passion, biting and tugging on her lower lip before I devour her with my cock. If this is sin, then we’re both drowning in it.

She holds my face and stares into my eyes so seductively that I’m pretty sure I could cum on the spot.

“Fuck me. Please.” She’s begging me and I can’t resist any longer.

Her magic words were all it took to get me to unlock my beast from its cage so it could come out and play, because after that, the only sounds that could be heard were my balls slapping against her tight wet cunt and her lustful moans crying out in pain and pleasure as I filled her to the hilt, thrusting harder and faster.

It was the most erotic pleasure I had ever felt in my life. She was going to be my new addiction that I wouldn’t be able to kick. The rushing high that I was feeling from slamming my cock into my daughter’s wet cunt rivalled any drug induced high I ever felt in the past. There was no way to rehabilitate myself after this, I would only want more and more like a junkie addicted to crack cocaine. She was going to be the death of me.

Her quick and shallow breaths felt hot against my skin as she dug her nails into my back. I buried my face into the crook of her neck and groaned in pleasure, biting down on her shoulder.

She moaned for me.

“You feel so good inside me…don’t stop, please don’t stop.”

Fuck she was going to make me explode.

“Are you on the pill?”

“No.” She breathes.

“Fuck, I need to pull out.”

“No! Please don’t, I want to feel you fill me up.”

Oh fuck me, trust me I want nothing more than that.

“Baby if I don’t, I’ll knock you up.”

“I don’t care.”

Fuck, fuck, fuck. I can’t muster up the inner strength to pull out of her. It felt like she was milking my cock with every stroke in and out. I was ready to shoot wave after wave of cum inside her. I just wanted to flood her with all my cum, that once she’d stand up it would drip out of her pretty little pussy.

“You belong inside me.” It’s like she read my mind.

“Fuck, Aria…what are you doing to me?” I pull back and stare into her eyes, her cheeks are flushed and there’s perspiration around her forehead.

She smirks at me, wrapping her arms around my neck to pull me forward so that she can lick my lips, teasing me as I catch the tip of her tongue and suck it back before my lips crash down onto hers. Lips, teeth and tongue all collide together; move in unison while I support my weight above her, invading her body with the reproductive organ that created her; my cock.

This was wrong, oh god it was so wrong, but it felt so good, and it felt so right.

“Tell me you love me Noah.”

“I do, I fucking do so much.” I tell her in between kisses, as I pick up my rhythm, ignoring all the risks and dangers while I work towards my release. And just as I’m about to cum, I hear my cellphone ring. I ignore it, but it’s distracting me because it sounds like its ringing right next to my ear.

What the fuck?

“Unhhhhhh Noah…” She’s moaning my name and I’m about to take her over the edge with me, when the ringing starts again. I slow down my pace.

“Do you hear that?”

“Hear what?”

“The ringing.”

“I don’t hear anything.” Aria replies.

I hear something vibrating on the nightstand, and when I turn my head, expecting to find my cellphone, I see nothing there.

Suddenly my eyes snap open and I find myself fully clothed sleeping next to Aria on the bed. I have my arms wrapped around her in a spooning position and she’s still under the covers while I’m lying over them. Half asleep, rock hard and completely bewildered, I turn and reach over to my find my mobile.

It’s almost 4am when I read the caller ID; it was my college buddy Casey calling, probably drunk off his ass. He usually has this tendency to drunk text and call in the middle of the night. And when I check my text messages, my suspicions were confirmed. I couldn’t make sense at all of what he was trying to say. I always joked with him and told him that an incompetent monkey would be able to text better than him while intoxicated.

Anyway, I slowly get out of bed and make my way towards the bathroom. There’s a traffic jam of thoughts in my head and I feel sick to my stomach as guilt washes over me. What kind of father am I? Dreaming about fucking my own daughter? Waking up fully aroused and still thinking of those images that shouldn’t be there? It’s shameful.

Her feral moans echo in my ears as I stand in front of the mirror and smack myself in the head three times in a fit of rage. Nope, self-inflicted punishment doesn’t make these feelings disappear. I turn on the tap and wash my face with ice cold water, refusing to jerk off because my conscience is marred with enough guilt. Instead I take a moment to calm down, before I leave the bathroom, and leave Aria to sleep in the bedroom without me.

I must’ve fallen asleep while telling her that story.

When I finally laid down on the sofa in the living room, I felt overwhelming relief. There was no explanation as to why I would dream something like that, but I was thankful to the dear lord himself (whom I had trouble believing in) that it was only a dream. No, not a dream, a nightmare; a sick, twisted nightmare that still had me hard as a rock, which only added to my mentally disturbed state.

What the fuck is wrong with you Noah? If this happens one more time, I’m calling my shrink. There is no way in hell that I could ever initiate sex with my daughter. I’d rather be castrated or have my arms sawed off. She was my little girl, okay my young teenage daughter , but still ; it just didn’t make sense as to why I could even subconsciously think about looking at her as some…sex object. Perhaps this was God’s way of punishing me for turning my back on him. Maybe I need some sort of church intervention and become a born again Christian.

I close my eyes and try to forget the sensation of what it felt like to be inside of her body…how good it felt…

Jesus fucking Christ…I’m going to hell.