It was several hours later that I finally plucked up the courage to call Sam back.

Philip had gone for a walk, 'to clear his head' he had said.

He promised he would not be long but it gave me the chance to speak with her undisturbed.

My head was still aching, even though the lump had diminished considerably and I went to the cupboard for some more painkillers.

I smiled sadly to myself when I realised that he had removed the Tramadol, leaving just one half used foil tray containing only four caplets, he was taking no chances after last night's stupidity.

Two were enough though and, having taken them with my coffee, I picked up my phone and selected the recent calls list, my thumb hovering over Sam's name.

When I finally let it fall the phone dialled immediately.

“Hello, Anna.”

An oh so familiar voice.

“Hi Penny,” I replied almost mechanically, metaphorically kicking myself for losing my nerve at the last moment.

“How are things? I have been worried sick waiting to hear from you.”

I paused, wondering how to begin.

“Anna?” she persisted, “How are you?”

“Crap, Penny,” I answered her truthfully, no longer trying to find nice words, “Absolutely crap!”

“No surprises there then but first, importantly, how's the head?”

“Still hurts like hell but the lump is going down now. It's really black now.”

I touched it absent-mindedly and winced.

“Well, apparently, a lump is a good thing,” she tried to sound upbeat. “It means the bleeding is on the surface and not inside your head.”

“Uhuh,” I replied, nodding even though she could not see me.

“All right, go on, what about you yourself, what are you going to do and where is Philip?”

Again, I waited before answering her.

“He is out walking,” I said.

“So what has he said? Will he get over it and stay?”

“I don't know, if I am truthful, Penny. He says so but I can see the hurt in him. He tries so hard but he is struggling. I don't think I could have hurt him any more if I had physically stabbed him. The truth is, I betrayed him...”

There was silence but for the pounding of my heart rushing the blood past my eardrums.

“So what will you do?” she asked eventually.

“I thought of a solution last night but Philip stopped me.”

More silence and then,

“Anna! You don't mean... surely!”

“I wanted to die, Penny. Wouldn't that solve everything?”

“Oh my good Lord...” I heard the fear in her voice. “No, it bloody well wouldn't!”

Another pause...

“I'm coming over!”

“Penny no! You can't!”

I was talking to myself, she had hung up.

Oh Hell, what now? Philip would go mad at her if he got back and found her here. He already blamed her for allowing us to meet at her house.

I frantically called her back.

“Hi, this is Penny...”

I waited for the tone.

“Penny, please! Don't come over! Philip will be furious...”

My voice trailed off. She wouldn't listen, why did I have to be so damned stupid sometimes?

Oh, who was I kidding, I was stupid all the time!

I couldn't call Sam now, Penny only lived a few minutes away and now she was worried she would be here in no time.

Boy, I sure knew how to complicate things.

I figured I had better ring Sam before Penny arrived so I quickly found her number.

“Hi Anna.”

“Hi Sam,” I replied, “I have to tell you something but I don't have much time.”

“Go on...”

I could almost see her frowning as she spoke.

“It's about Philip, he knows.”

“Yes, I know,” she replied unexpectedly.

“You know?” I gasped, “But how could you possibly...?”

“You told me he wanted to meet me didn't you? That I had to pretend we were just friends?”

“Oh, oh yes, I see what you mean.”

I couldn't think, now of how to break it to her but what worse, just by talking with her, my resolve was failing already.

“So... Is that why you phoned? To arrange a date and time?”

“Erm... Yes, well, no, I...”

At that moment the doorbell chimed and was immediately followed by urgent knocking, hammering almost.

“Oh, look, Sam, I... I have to go. Someone at the door. I'll call you back.”

I hit 'end call' before Sam could reply. My hand was shaking so much that It took two attempts.

“Anna! Anna! Open the door!” Penny shouted urgently through the letterbox.

Dragging myself upright I headed towards her voice.

“I'm coming Penny, hang on,” I called as I approached.

“Oh my Good Lord, look at the state of you!” she gasped as I pulled the door open to let her in.

There was nothing to say and I just stood, silent as she entered and threw he arms around me.

After a moment, she stepped back and kicked the front door shut behind her.

“Anna...” she began slowly, her eyes narrowed and her brow furrowed, “Did Philip...?”

My eyes opened wide as I prevented the words from even leaving her lips.

“Penny! No! How could you think such a thing?”

“I'm sorry but look at you. Your face is black and blue. That is not just door frame damage!”

I gave a thin, wry smile

“Hmm, no, it isn't, you're right. I also fell on the bus yesterday when the driver accelerated before I had found a seat.”

“Oh for Pete's sake, Anna!” she shook her head slowly, “What am I going to do with you?”

There was no answer to that particular question although I could think of many possibilities that I was deserving of but Penny was a true friend and I knew that whatever the outcome would be, she at least would be there for me.

“Come on,” she said, taking my arm and guiding me gently back towards the kitchen, “Let's get the weight off.”

We sat as we always did, face to face across the kitchen table.

I didn't offer her coffee and she didn't ask for one, we just looked at each other in silence.

Penny was the one who finally broke it.

“All those years ago, when you took care of me after... well, you know.”

I nodded as she went on,

“I would never have imagined that I would, one day, do the same for you.”

I shrugged and hung my head.

“But this is not the same, Penny...” I whispered.

“How so?” she asked.

“You didn't deserve what happened to you, you weren't the cause.”

She frowned.

“I'm sorry, I don't follow you.”

“You were the victim, Penny. Your husband broke your heart. I am responsible for everything that has happened. I am the miserable cow that has done this to Philip and yes, to Sam, what your husband did to you and I can't change that!”

Penny immediately jumped up and sat beside me, putting her arm around me and soothing me.

There were no tears now, though. I think I was beyond that. I felt numb and lost and, for the first time in my life, I was not in control.

“You are nothing like him, Anna. You followed your heart when it led you astray and you are in this state now because you are sorry, because you know what you have done. He didn't even care what he did to me.”

Deep down I knew she was right but it didn't make it any easier to bear. My whole life had come crashing down overnight taking with it everything I held dear.

I took a deep breath and sat upright.

“I have to make amends, to do what is right...”

Penny didn't reply but let me go on.

Instead, I just slumped forwards again with a sigh.

“I can't, can I?” I whispered. “I can't put it right. What I have done can't be put right.”

Her face softened.

“Well, I agree there will always be scars but that is true of any wound. What you have to do is work now to heal the rift.”

“How, Penny. Exactly how do I do that?”

I stared hard at her, silently begging her for an answer but none was forthcoming.

Instead, she simply asked,

“Do you love Philip?”

“Of course I do,” I replied.

“How much do you love him, Anna. Enough to give up Sam?”

I paused and then,

“Yes, I... I... well... Damn it, yes!”

She looked at me long and hard, staring into my eyes, her gaze boring deep into my soul.

I couldn't stand it and dropped my head, breaking the intense contact she had created.

Now I began to doubt myself. I had paused when the answer once would have flowed without a thought.

“Your attraction to Sam is that strong?” Penny asked and I nodded slowly.

Last night it was obvious to me, end it with Sam and begin to rebuild my life with Philip but as soon as I had heard her voice at the other end of the line, suddenly it didn't seem so easy any more, something had snapped inside of me that could destroy me.

“So are you saying that if you had to chose you would give up Philip?”

“Oh no, of course not but...”

“But what, Anna? Are you saying you want both of them?”

I rested my head on my arms on the table for a minute then looked at her directly.

“I don't bloody well know, dammit!”

“Oh Anna...”

Penny looked at me with a very worried look on her face. 

"You think so much of this young woman that you would risk your marriage?”

My silence caused her eyes to open wide. 

"My goodness...” she said slowly, “My goodness me. You really are in a mess aren't you. I never thought that anything, or indeed anyone could separate you two.”

“No, Penny, neither did I. This has been as big a surprise to me and as destructive as the bomb they dropped on Hiroshima. I just don't know what to do.”

Penny was still staring intently at me.

“And that brings us back to the question of what are you going to do?” she said, her eyes flicking from one to the other of my own.

I took a deep breath and shrugged my shoulders.

“Kill myself.”

Penny looked at me as though she could do it for me. Her eyes were ablaze with anger.

She said nothing at first but stared at me, biting her tongue perhaps.

Slowly, she sat back on her chair and looked at me through narrowed eyes.

“Do you know...?” she said at long last. “I never thought you could surprise me but my goodness, you have now.”

I felt my face burning with shame.

“In all the years I have known you, you have always been strong. You have always put Philip first and looked after him and I never questioned it because I thought you were the perfect couple. I could never have imagined that you could hurt him so badly and yet even consider continuing to do so.”

This really wasn't what I wanted to hear from my lifelong friend. I wanted her to tell me what to do, to help me but here she was berating me and, as she spoke, her words hit me like a sledge hammer because everything she said was the stark honest truth and it hurt like hell!

Through a haze, I heard her ask,

“Do you want to lose him then, Anna?”

I shook my head slowly.

“Good,” she said, “That was what I hoped. That brings me to the next question. Do you think he will accept you wanting to keep seeing Sam?”

Again, I slowly and sadly shook my head.

The was a brief silence and then,

“All right then, let me ask you this. If Philip wants to keep you so much that he said you could continue seeing her, would you?”

This time, I remained silent and motionless.

I slowly began to realise what she was doing, making me think logically. That was something at which I had always excelled but now I didn't seem to be able to think at all.

“Well?” she insisted.

“I...”

“Well think of it this way then,” she continued when nothing else materialised. “Would you be happy if that was the case because, quite honestly, I don't think you would be.”

I thought about the possibilities, of the love that Philip and I had shared with no-one else to share it with, just the two of us.

Then I thought of sharing that love with Sam. It was not about sex any more but about our lives together and now I was seeing that it could never be the same with Sam in my life.

I still wanted to share those everyday things exclusively with Philip.

Sam and I shared a bed, we shared physical love but outside of that, we had,well, nothing. No history to reminisce over, no common interests... at least, none that I knew of thus far. I didn't even know what music she liked.

I imagined the possibilities.

Up until now, Philip and I had, well, not done everything together but pretty much most things. He had given me freedom to do as I wished, as I had for him but, in general, we had shared almost everything and trusted each other implicitly when we were apart...

Trust... there would be none of that now. Even in the future, if I was fortunate enough to keep him, he would always wonder what I was doing as long as I was out of his sight.

I took a breath and sighed.

“No, Penny, I don't think I would,” I answered her question honestly. “We have been a couple too long to share what we have with someone else.”

“That is exactly as I thought,” she replied with a small smile. “Now you realise that, we can work on a solution to this whole disaster.”

I leaned towards her and she put her arm around my shoulders, hugging me tightly.

“I'm sorry I was so harsh,” she said gently, “I had to be sure of what you felt and I had to make you think hard.”

I didn't reply but let my head rest upon her shoulder.

We stayed that way for a few minutes until she sat back and released me.

“Right then,” she said as I sat upright once more. “We have a lot to discuss so, coffee?”

I smiled and nodded.

“Yes please,” I said, “Very strong.”

Penny brewed a fresh pot for us and sat down opposite me.

After pouring two mugs we sat quietly sipping for a few minutes.

“All right then,” she began. “First things first. You need to deal with Sam. She is a sweet girl and she is young. She will get over this and move on but I think you should break it to her face to face.”

I nodded.

She was right, of course but I didn't know how to tell her. She had already shown that she was not at all happy that I may let her go in favour of Philip. I was sure she would be all right though.

“Could we do it at your house?” I asked. “I don't think I could do it here, especially if Philip is here.”

“Yes, if you want to but what if Philip won't trust you?”

“Why wouldn't he?” I asked, puzzled.

“Are you forgetting something?” Penny said, raising an eyebrow. “He knows what happened last time. He may not trust you to see her there and he certainly won't trust me ever.”

I pondered for a minute.

“Well, he will just have to. I can't tell her it is over in front of him, can I?”

“You might have to, Anna.” she answered, “Right now he can't trust anyone. If he insists and you refuse...”

“Hmm, I suppose... I don't want that to be the trigger that makes him leave me. He is on a knife edge as it is.”

At that moment, my mobile phone, on the table in front of me, suddenly illuminated and buzzed.

“Sam!” I gasped.

“Then answer it!” Penny exclaimed. “Invite her over and we will get this sorted... Go on!” she urged as I looked at it.

“Hello Sam,” I said as I held it to my ear.

“Hi Anna. Sorry, but as you cut me off earlier I thought you had forgotten to call me back.”

“Oh yes, there was someone at the door, sorry.”

I waited, not sure what to say.

“You were saying something about your husband knowing about us,” she said, a hint of uncertainty in her voice. “You didn't mean about us being just friends did you?”

“No,” I said, “No, I didn't. I have told him everything.”

I was shaking uncontrollably now, the fear making so cold inside.

“Does that mean you are free, that we can be together?”

Her words came slowly and I could feel the worry and the hope in the timbre of her voice.

I shook my head as I replied.

“I... I...”

I had to say something and Penny nudged my elbow, urging me to get on with it.

“Look, Sam, can you come over to Penny's. We need to talk.”

“What, now?” she asked nervously.

“Yes, well, as soon as you are able.”

“I need to change first but I can be there in about an hour.”

“All right, that is fine,” I said, “I will see you then.”

“Anna... is it over? Is this the end?”

I couldn't answer her, the lump in my throat was aching so much I couldn't speak right away.

“Anna?” Sam repeated.

“One hour, at Penny's,” I said with difficulty and immediately touched 'end call'.

I didn't move a muscle but just sat perfectly still, staring at the picture of Philip which had reappeared on the screen in front of me.

“Anna, Are you all right?”

“No,” I responded, not looking up.

Once again, Penny moved round and sat beside me.

“Whatever happens, you still have me.” she whispered, her arm once more around my shoulder.

I swallowed but the lump just would not leave my throat and my eyes began to fill.

“How did I become such a bitch, Penny? What happened to me?”

“Get yourself tidied up and put on a little make up, make yourself nice,” she said gently, soothing, “In an hour she will be at my house and we can take it from there, deal with this once and for all, yes?”

I nodded.

“What will Philip think though if he doesn't come back before we leave?”

“Leave a note. Tell him you have gone out with me. He doesn't need to know that you are meeting Sam.”

A sudden creak made us both turn.

“Philip!” I gasped and my heart sank.

“No more lies?” he said, turned and stormed back through the front door, slamming it behind him...