Every Hour of Every Day

I can tell people I am okay
Every hour of everyday
But is it a mask?
Am I hiding behind a smile?
Or a silly little laugh?

Am I hiding behind jokes?
Or some past memories?
Am I lying to them?
Or Myself?
Am I convincing?
Do people really care?
People can ask you how you are,
Every hour of every day
But they don’t really care,
About how you are feeling,
It’s just a routine question,
One that has no significance,

So I ask myself
How do I really feel?
Anger?
Aggression?
Passion?
Lust?
Desire?
Hurt?
Depression?
I ask myself
And I really think,
And I reflect
And I ask myself
How am I feeling?

I get confused
Ten different emotions
Pulling,
Pushing,
Tugging,
Nagging,
All at once
This way
and that way
No middle man
Like a dice that doesn’t stop tumbling,
Or an arrow that doesn’t stop spinning,

Like the world doesn’t want you to know
How you are feeling,
Making you question,
Your emotion,
And what’s real,
And what’s not,

I can’t hide behind a smile forever
But do I want to be exposed?
Let my guard down
And be vulnerable?

I don’t want pity
I don’t want sympathy
So I put on a smiling face
Let the world see what it wants to see
And I will deal with the rest

All the conflicts
All the regret
And the my needs
And wants,
Will be answered,
By myself,

My emotions locked up
Deep within me
And only I have the key,
You can pry,
And you can try and get at it,
But I have barriers
And gates
And a big electric fence,
I am Guarded,
Will I open up to you?
Or shoot you down?

Will I let you in completely?