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Wonderment
By
Jinxy

Wonderment

I feel myself give in
I was never sure of what I thought of doing this. I was unsure, but at the same time I was taken by your words. We had away with one another that I hadn't felt in so long.

You got to know me,

Like me

And even love me.

I couldn't explain why you did the things you did. I was wrapped up in the thought of it. I tried to keep arms length but the more I thought I was fighting it the more I was falling for it. I finally could see myself slip into it.

We met,

We became friends,

We became a couple,

We became more.

You submitted to me. You allowed yourself to become mine. You told me that you’d do as I said as long as I kept you safe. I set boundaries and rules and took it slow. I knew you were new to the game and I wanted you to be safe.

You were so unsure at first.

The boundaries,

The rules,

The expectations.

However unsure you were I kept reminding you all was okay. I helped you along the way. You worked through the boundaries, the rules and the expectations taking it to a whole new level. You succeed beyond what I thought you would. You made me proud to call you mine.

Then the fear I felt when it all started reared its ugly head. My real life took me, needed my attention.

The holidays,

The friends,

The work,

The real world.

It called and beacon me to it. I had no choice and had to do what I needed. You said you understood and was there for me. You kept telling me things were okay and not to worry. Just do what you need my Angel, I understand I heard you breath those words. I took it as though sign things would be okay. I check in on you and my one and only.

My safe place,

My safe zone,

My life I wanted.

It all started falling to pieces when you gave me bad news. You broke my trust, you misbehaved. Though I know your human I can’t help but feel the anger linger inside me. Is that what is more important to him than me? Of course it isn't. I’m foolish and silly. I know better than this.

I needed a break,

To cool off,

To breath.

I try and you swallow me whole, not like before. Not in the sense it was like last time. It wasn't a good thing, it wasn't pleasant and safe. It was tightening and drowning. It wasn't like the undeniable good I felt before. It was pain, and hurt and anger.

I've taken the time and know the laughs, the words, the time, the sex, the love, the moments we share out shine what pain was caused. I just need the time to regroup to readjust to soak in how I want to take the next step.

I beg of you to allow me that, without swallowing me whole.

I beg of you not to drown me in pleas and cries.

I beg of you to give me what I ask and just back off.

I beg of you to give me the time I asked for.

I beg of you to just wait, wait for me.

If you can’t wait then tell me, I’ll end it now. I’ll move on, break free and start over. If you can wait then please do as I ask. In the end it’ll work out for the best. Isn't that the way life works? 

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