The sun had risen around 7:30 that morning as I lay in bed, watching Mr. Universe sleep. Yes, I was biased, but I really did believe he was the sexiest man alive… so perfectly put together. There must have been divine intervention in his making. And if it were really true, was a life of unspeakable pain and impounded innocence the price to pay for such unworldly attractiveness?
Who was to blame for the ghosts of his past that still haunted him like restless phantoms? I don’t believe that God had a hand in this. There was nothing cruel or vindictive about God’s love. Evil just existed in the world. Evil had planted its seed inside the womb of an unknowing, vulnerable woman twenty-nine years ago. Evil had half contributed to the creation of a charming child that would grow up to become the most broken being ever.
Yes, it was corruption at its worst that had fathered the flawless man sleeping next to me. The irony was that Jay was extremely flawed, except no one could see those flaws on the outside. They were hidden on the inside. Deeply submerged beneath his subconscious. If the human brain functioned through the engineering of mechanical wheels, then I could confidentally say that every gear in his mind was turning like it was supposed to… counter clockwise. My point is that Jay was nothing like the average person, and he wasn’t born this way either. If you can picture evolution for a moment, then picture the evolution of childhood innocence… lost.
No one knew how fragmented Jay was—and of course they wouldn’t. He was amazing at concealing every crack that would show on the surface. He appeared as though he had it all; a beautiful girlfriend, a promising career—I don’t think I ever mentioned what he did for a living. He was an investment banker in New York. I lived there too. But neither of us had grown up in the Big Apple. I was born and raised in Labrador, Newfoundland, and Jay was raised in Chicago, Illinois. I had made the move when I got a job offer to work at a publishing house. Honestly, the only reason why I packed up and left “the true North strong and free” was because I needed to put an ocean of space between me and my ex-husband.
I hadn’t met Jay at a nightclub or a bar. I’m sure if I had, he would have taken me home, banged my brains out, and left it at that. But that’s not how we met. Our worlds had collided in the most unexpected way, and sometimes, only sometimes, can happiness manifest in the most unexpected circumstances.
*****
A year and a half ago- December 10, 2013
There was something peaceful about waking up to the city coming to life. The sun would rise, and with it would come morning traffic, angry civilians honking and cussing, pigeons purring by my window… I wasn’t used to living in such a busy environment, but it was better than silence. All that I was trying to repress would resurface during moments of still, calm, quietness, which was why I welcomed any form of distraction, even if that included noise pollution.
I was living in a small, one bedroom flat on Broadway downtown. It wasn’t anything fancy or luxurious, but it was cozy. The walls were painted an ordinary white. My landlord had said that if I wanted to repaint, it would have to come out of my own pocket, including painting it back to white when I moved out, so I didn’t bother to personalize the space.
It wasn’t like I could really afford to make my apartment emulate the Home & Style catalogue. My ex had left me with nothing. I hadn’t claimed for alimony or spousal support, even though it was my right. I had never married him for money, and that was the point I was trying to make when I waved my rights and signed those separation papers in tears two years ago.
Nope, he wasn’t rich when we got married. He was dirt poor and so was his family. I was the idiot for following my heart when I really should have been following the money trail like every other soulless gold digger. This was the price I had to pay for having a functioning conscience, and for chasing fairy tales that only existed in leather-bound books, stashed away in dust covered shelves of every public library. They were deceptions of love. How foolish of me to believe that I, Maya Rivera, could have my own “happily ever after.”
Something had warned me right from the start to rethink my decision before pledging myself to a lifelong commitment, call it intuition. I was the dumb one who ignored it because I desperately wanted to believe that I could truly trust and give my heart to someone who would love me forever. Marriage was supposed to be forever. How naïve I was. Love never lasts. Love is an illusion, a fantasy that people make up to romanticize the act of sex, otherwise we would be no different than animals.
Moving to New York was supposed to be my fresh start. All my family and friends were back in Canada, but it wasn’t like I had many friends left, so I really wasn’t missing anyone. My mother had the hardest time. She was worried that I was going to have a huge melt down while living on my own. But I was doing just fine. I had to spread my wings and find my independence again. I couldn’t press pause on life and wait for the damage to heal. I had to keep going and hope that somewhere along the way, the pain that I felt inside would become nothing but a dull ache, until it was completely gone. Numb. That’s all I wanted to become.
*****
It had been a week before New Year’s when I received a formal invitation to my co-worker’s annual New Year’s Eve bash. Skylar Rodin was a gorgeous redhead with soft brown eyes, the sweetest smile, and quirkiest personality. She had immediately befriended me when I started working at The Passionate Pen Publishing Group, three months prior. I was hesitant to attend this party because I had extreme anxiety around unfamiliar people, especially men. I didn’t want to find myself in a situation where I’d have to talk about myself and open up. My emotions were still a mess post-divorce, and I had lost a lot of my self-esteem because of that lying, cheating asshole. But Skylar wouldn’t take no for an answer when I’d tried to politely decline.
She had drilled it into my head, telling me that I was a beautiful woman who should not rob myself of the opportunity of meeting someone who could be “the one.” It’s funny when I think back on it—she’d been secretly planning on setting me up with her best friend, Oliver Griffin. He was a thirty-one year old family and divorce lawyer. As soon as Skylar had shared this information with me, it immediately turned me off. I kept associating the poor guy’s profession with the heart wrenching ordeal I suffered during my divorce. Just the mention of “lawyers” made it harder for me to breathe. Skylar hadn’t known about my failed marriage. I never told her. I hadn’t shared what happened to me with anyone. It was too painful.
How does that famous saying go? “If you can’t beat’em, join’em”? Well, I ended up buying a short black cocktail dress and an expensive pair of heels when New Year’s Eve came around the corner. Skylar forced me to get my hair and nails done with her. I guess this was her way of “grooming” me before advertising my single status to every available bachelor. I was perfectly fine with my non-existent love life. In fact, it’s what I preferred. There was no way I would have been able to jump right into another relationship, let alone hop into bed with some guy just for fun. Any sort of intimate encounter made me uneasy.
So, when I showed up at her party (which she hosted at her lavish condo), I was immediately dragged around like a dog on a leash from person to person as she introduced me to anyone and everyone. The whole ordeal was like socializing a scared little puppy around strange groups of people—me being the puppy, of course. I was nervous and trying so hard to keep it together, but I remained calm and sociable as much as I could. At that point, I couldn’t really understand my social anxiety. All I knew was that it would sky rocket around attractive men.
Oliver didn’t exactly fit under that category of what I considered attractive, but he was funny and friendly. He seemed harmless, which didn’t make the alarms go off in my head, and that was a good thing. The guy was an inch taller than me, and I was 5’7. He had buzzed blonde hair, blue eyes, and a dimple in his chin. I’m sure he could have found his ideal match at that party, but he wasn’t my type.
After about an hour, there were at least fifty people mingling around me in suits and colorful dresses. It was a good thing Skylar’s place was big enough. Her family was wealthy, which was why she was able to afford pretty much anything she wanted, and that also explained the ridiculously expensive condo she was living in (on the rich side of the city). This lucky redhead could have lived entirely on her daddy’s payroll, but she wanted to make a career for herself and state her independence. Obviously it didn’t hurt to have extra help when it came to self-establishment. I was envious of her that way. My family wasn’t rich, and I was estranged from my father. To say that I had underlying daddy issues was a huge understatement.
I felt like an outcast among these cultured New Yorkers… the immigrant Canadian standing in the center like a loner, holding a pathetic red maple leaf that was supposed to represent “nationalistic spirit.”
Yeah, I’m Canadian, big whoop! To be more accurate, I felt like a nomad. There was no place that really felt like home to me. If only I could have clicked my heels and found myself standing in a reality that far resembled the one I was living at present. I was willing to settle in a land full of munchkins and a lollypop guild.
While I was well on my way to drinking my second glass of wine, I noticed someone walk through Skylar’s front door, and I froze like a statue, glass in hand, fixed in place.
Warpaint’s Emily Kokal, was singing “Love Is to Die”, and strangely I felt like an extra standing on the set of a Hollywood chick flick. This would’ve been the part where the handsome hottie would enter the scene, greet the friend, and lock eyes on his potential love interest. And then it occurred to me that I didn’t want to be a nameless extra or supporting actress. I wanted to be the female heroine, his gorgeous co-star radiating with star quality. I wanted him to lock eyes on me. But nothing of that sort happened between us. The fantasy only played out in my mind for less than a minute as I tuned out Oliver’s droning chatter, unable to cast my eyes away from him.
Skylar kissed her friend’s cheek and gave him a hug before she took the bottle of wine out of his hand and motioned him to the kitchen where she poured him a drink.
All I could do was stare (much to my embarrassment). The handsome stranger was dressed in a black tux, and black leather smart shoes. He looked sexy in formal attire, but I was sure it was because he was mouth wateringly attractive underneath all that designer fabric, which was why the tuxedo looked amazing on him. He had short brown hair that looked like it had been styled by a professional barber who possibly… overcharged? It seemed silly to dwell on such detail. I was just so curious about him.
“Personally,” Oliver stated, “I would have loved to have told that old blow-fish to go screw himself. Do you know how hard I worked on that case?” He scoffed. “He calls himself a judge? The man is clearly incompetent! Goldman probably bribed him. Yep. I bet that’s exactly what he did. That good for nothing son of a…”
I could hear what he was saying, but my silent thoughts were predominantly louder.
“… I see Casanova has caught your fancy, Madam,” Oliver mimicked an English accent, breaking the spell I was under.
“Huh?” I turned my head.
He grinned and pointed in the distance. “We call him Casanova because he’s basically a ladies man. Though, I don’t think Casanova quite fits him. You see, I think he’s more of a hybrid between Cas and Don Juan. That man could seduce a straight man to go gay for him.”
“Are you admitting that you’re gay?
“What?” He looked mortified. “No!”
“Don Juan was gay?” I laughed.
Oliver squinted. “Haven’t you heard of the famous Don Juan and his tireless pursuit to seduce every woman he came in contact with?”
Of course I had heard of him, but I let Oliver humor me.
“That man never discriminated, and he never had a type. For Don Juan, it was all about the act of seduction. Every woman was fair game, and it didn’t matter if she was engaged or married. He got off on his ability to make a woman drop her panties and spread her legs.” Oliver paused and sipped his drink. “And that guy right there, he’s a self-proclaimed panty dropper.”
I laughed, blushing a little. “What’s his real name?”
He was about to answer when he stopped and stared off at something behind me. “Why don’t you ask him yourself?”
Heart attack and die moment? Or panic attack moment? Both? That was all I could think about as I slowly turned around and stared into a pair of shiny brown eyes. My God, he was a hundred times more handsome up close. I was at risk of melting into a puddle of ooey gooey mushiness on Skylar’s parquet flooring.
“Jay Conway”—he flashed a dimpled smile—“delighted to make your acquaintance.” He extended his hand and waited for me to shake it.
I was in such state of shock that I left him hanging for a few seconds.
“Would you prefer a fist pound?” Jay laughed. “I get it if you’re OCD.”
“Oh gosh…” I blinked. “I am so sorry.” I shook his hand, blushing ridiculously like a fifteen year old. “Maya Rivera, nice to meet you.”
His smile never left his face as he released his firm grip.
“My head’s all over the place when I drink,” I admitted.
“I can somewhat relate.” Jay raised his cocktail drink. “Non-alcoholic for me tonight. You’re not a lawyer, are you?”
“Me?”
“Who else would I be talking to?”
That was a dumb way for me to respond, considering the fact that he was looking right at me.
“I’m a junior editor at a publishing house—sort of always been the nerdy girl type.”
“Interesting. You don’t fit the profile.”
His eyes cascaded over my body from head to toe, and I was sure he made that assumption because of the tight and revealing dress I was wearing.
Oliver soon joined the conversation. “He asked you that question because apparently I never stray from my social circles.”
“Nope. You rarely ever do.” Jay grinned, and I wanted to release a lovesick sigh because that smile….
“Okay, so what?” Oliver defended. “You’re guilty of doing the same—oh look, there’s your little trio of Scrooge’s. You better go deflate some egos while the night is still young,” he said with sarcasm.
“You’re a class act, Oliver.”
“Thanks! You know, I did consider stand-up comedy before law school.”
“I’m so glad you graduated,” Jay mumbled and sipped his drink.
“Yeah, me too. Taking the Bar while mourning the death of my hamster, Genghis Khan was not easy.”
Genghis Khan? I stifled a laugh.
Skylar soon appeared next to us. “Stay away from this one!” She stood in between me and Jay, protectively guarding me. “She’s taken! I’ve already matched her up with Oliver, and if not Oliver, then Carl—or Sanjeet.”
“Sanjeet?” Jay quirked an attractive eyebrow. “Sanjeet Kumar?”
“Hey, don’t hate!” Skylar turned to me and said, “He’s just pissed because he can’t get over the fact that San schooled him in the boxing ring last summer. He honestly looks like a Bollywood movie star! You’d love him!”
“Hey!” Oliver exclaimed. “I’m still very much here and very much interested!”
Jay boxes? No wonder he looked like a gym buff.
“Did I also mention the fact that he’s a surgeon?” Skylar continued to rave about this elusive friend I hadn’t met but was actively being paired with.
Thankfully Jay interjected. “I think you need to quit your job as a match maker for your friends and consider focusing on your own love life, or should I say, lack of a love life.”
Skylar regarded him again. “I’ve sworn off men—at least for three months.”
Jay snickered. “Right, because you’ve suddenly caught a contagious case of cock fright.”
Oliver laughed out loud in a really goofy way, which caused me to laugh along with him. “Good one, bro…. cock fright.” He chuckled, shaking his head.
“You guys can make fun all you want,” said Skylar, “but I’m perfectly capable of staying single. I don’t need a man to make me happy.”
“Switching teams, are we?” Jay teased.
“Very funny, loser!” She smacked his arm. “I bet you’d love to watch!”
“Nah—not really. I don’t want to imagine you naked.”
“Bastard!” She slapped the same spot even harder this time.
“Because you’re like my sister!” Jay reasoned. “Jeezuz, woman. Fiery temper or what?”
“You’ve known me since college. You should know not to piss off a red head. Ever.” Skylar beamed. “So, since Maya’s already promised to another… shoo! Go frolic among the fifty other people here and try to score a number, because you’re not getting this one.”
“Gladly,” he declared nonchalantly.
Oliver raised his beer. “Take one for the team, buddy!”
Jay clinked his glass against Oliver’s drink, winked at me, and disappeared.
Skylar folded her arms in her chest and glared at her friend.
“What?” said Oliver. “I live vicariously through that man!”
She rolled her eyes. “You need to grow a pair and just ask a woman out.” She hooked her arm around mine, and led me toward another group of eccentrics to socialize with.
I should have been grateful that she had cock blocked Jay, but all I wanted to do was shoo her away and pull that sexy man into a dark corner and make out with him, even if there was no rhyme or reason behind it.
~oOo~
Present day
So flawless. How could he look so perfect, even when he slept? I smiled to myself and touched his face. He didn’t stir from the contact. On the exterior, nothing seemed to weigh him down. No one would have ever suspected that Jay Conway was so twisted inside. I don’t mean evil twisted—that would be my ex-husband.
In my opinion, passive aggressive people are a hundred times worse than aggressive. They can be so sneaky, two-faced, excuse me—triple-faced. They’ll wear a certain mask around you, a different mask around family, friends, the general public, and the last mask is the one they wear when they look in the mirror. The most dangerous people are the ones who lie to themselves and believe it. They get so wrapped up in their web of lies that they can no longer distinguish fact from fiction anymore.
There was a moment in my life where I had questioned my own identity, but my ex won the trophy for that category. It’s kind of ironic that I had to live with the world’s most confused person to find out who I really was.
Jay didn’t hide his darkness. He hid nothing from me. My ex-husband, however, hid so much. I can never forgive him for the injustices he did to me and my family. But in a way, I’m thankful that he broke my heart, because now I’m bullet proof. Pure titanium. Nothing can pierce my heart anymore. Nothing can penetrate me, unless I open my legs. Sorry. I have my satirical moments.
At present, all that was left of me were pieces of who I used to be, all scrambled and glued together in a rush. Everything looked misplaced. Imagine a glass vase in your mind; a beautiful one. Reflect on that image and try to personify it. This crystal antique represents everything that makes you who you are, every piece of you crafted into one complete and priceless creation.
Now, imagine that that vase breaks; glass exploding like fireworks. Slow it down and watch every shard, big or small, somersault and scatter all over the surface. You are literally in pieces. Every part of you is broken and taken apart. How can we fix this? Well, let’s reverse the effect and see what happens. Rewind in real time, fast or slow, and you’ll find that the vase is perfectly intact, as if it had never been broken.
Unfortunately, we can’t reverse decisions and experiences or go back in time. And when things get broken, we can’t restore them completely to what they once were. All we can do is try our best to piece ourselves back together, find the places where each piece is meant to go, and glue it in place. It’s sort of like creating a mosaic. My mosaic was extremely flawed.
I had successfully reversed my breaking point, but was unsuccessful at restoring my vase correctly. In a state of panic, all I could have done was gather whatever I could and try to fix anything that was salvageable, even if the pieces didn’t belong, at least they wouldn’t have been on the floor, at least I wouldn’t have had to admit that I was broken. All that shattered glass… and nothing had adhered where it was meant to. Jay seemed like the only person who understood that because he was able to relate. We were both imperfect but embraced our imperfections.