Right out of school I married my high school sweetheart. Over the 15 years of our marriage we had a pretty rocky relationship in which I dealt with his struggle with alcoholism, verbal abuse, being cheated on, a sex life that dwindled down to less than once every several months and basically being on my own even when he was around. You might be wondering why I remained with this man for so long. I wonder the same thing when I think of it as just described. I guess I always thought that when I got married, it would be forever and we had children together so I tried to make it work for them mostly. But as we got older we grew further and further apart and the bad moments became more frequent. Then one day he decided to tell me that he felt we should go our separate ways and that he was done "playing house". Surprisingly I was devastated over it even though our relationship hadn't been the best over the years. In all actuality I knew he was doing me a favor because I had the mindset that I married this man "for better and for worse" with the hopes that it would get better. I probably would've wasted my entire lifetime with him and in the process exposed my children to a very unhappy situation for even longer had he not ended it.
Because we were married for so long I became very close to much of his family, including his one brother, Clark. Although he was years younger than me our conversations developed into topics that ranged from life, dreams, hopes, and everything in between. There were a number of times that he was there emotionally and provided comforting words during difficult times, as well as being the over the phone "shoulder" to cry on. He always seemed to have a way with encouraging me and making things look brighter. About 5 years into my marriage I began having these very erotic/sexual dreams about him. Every time I would have these dreams they would basically be the same. Suddenly we'd look at each other, passionately make out and/or have the most amazing sex ever, and then he'd always confess his secret undying love for me and I for him. I felt extremely stressed and embarrassed over it. I had never thought of Clark as anything other than a good friend and brother-in-law! As the dreams continued they even became more vivid and it made it extremely uncomfortable to see him in person. At first I'd feel nervous, especially because at times I'd look at him and suddenly a scene from one of the dreams would cross my mind and completely take over! I'd have to argue with myself to FORCE myself to think of something, ANYTHING else! Regardless I knew I could NEVER speak of the dreams or my growing attraction for him. He was after all my husband's brother. He was in a relationship with a woman and the two of them ended up having a child together. It was sick of me to even be having the dreams or the visuals of the two of us in my mind! The problem was that he held so many qualities that I was attracted to and the communication between us was unbelievable. Yet I was married to his brother and he had a family of his own...so I knew I needed to push those thoughts far from my mind.
Shortly before my relationship ended with my husband, my brother-in-law began telling me how unhappy he was in his relationship with his baby mama and that it was to a point where they were only together for their child. I had no idea things had gotten that bad. He was prepared to stay with her so his son would have both a mother and a father in his daily life, until his child got older if that is what it would take. He was the primary care giver due to his work schedule and apparently the mother didn't have much patience for their child so he didn't want to leave her unless he would have custody of his little one. Things continued to deteriorate between them and it was getting harder and harder for him to stay. Even still he continued to try a variety of things to improve the relationship and their situation, all of which failed.
After my husband dropped the bomb on me that he was leaving, the first person I called was Clark. I cried my eyes out and asked if he had known anything. He was just as surprised and shocked that his brother was leaving me. He would've expected me to be the one to leave if anyone was leaving! Many of his family members felt the same way, they couldn't believe that he was calling it quits. Several months passed along with just about every emotion that could possibly surface about the breakup. I was finally to a point that I accepted that it was really over.
I still remained in contact with his family and Clark and I occasionally worked marketing events together, to help promote my uncles business. He picked me up as usual and we headed to the event. It was about an hour drive to get to the location on this particular day. The entire time all that was going through my head was how badly I wanted to kiss him. The more I would try to push the thought away the stronger and more vivid it would present itself. It was pure torture sitting next to him in that car with that playing in my mind over and over again. He never gave me any reason to believe that he felt that way about me, we never flirted or acted over the line when around eachother...yet I couldn't stop the growing flushed feeling and rapid heartbeat from within.
We made it to the event and everything went good. At the end of the night he asked me what I would like to do. (My inner voice immediately screamed in response YOU) but the words luckily didn't escape my clenched lips. Some of the family was going out for drinks at a local club and so we decided to head over. I didn't want to go home when that bar was closing and he said he wasn't ready to go home either, so we ended up at an after hours place and had a couple more drinks. Even though I wasn't WITH him, I was happy to just be around him and I didn't want the night to end. At one point I looked up and our eyes met. The glance became deeper and I thought for a moment I saw something more flicker in his stare... desire. My heart grew hot, began pounding heavily and right then I knew I could not drink one more sip...I was certain it must've been the alcohol goggles I was wearing. If I was to remain in control and not make a complete ass of myself I needed to avoid anymore drinks.
He asked me what was wrong when I told him I couldn't drink anymore. I told him that I was at my limit and I didn't want to end up doing something crazy. He told me not to worry, that he was there and he wouldn't let anything happen to me so I should just have a good time. Little did he know that HE was the one I didn't trust myself with and feared doing something crazy to! I couldn't tell him that though! So instead I just told him that I didn't think that would help because... and abruptly dropped the conversation mid-sentence. I had almost slipped! oh no!!! I knew I needed to get home quickly because once again the passion was filling my mind, body, and soul and I was holding back all thoughts from bursting from my lips, but beginning to do a poor job of it. We made it to the car and once we got in he wanted to know what I was going to say in the bar. I told him I didn't remember (a lie)...I am a bad liar and he knew I wasn't being truthful so he played the "we tell each other everything and I want you to tell me what you were going to say" card. All I could say was please just start driving. The sexual tension I was feeling was like nothing I've ever experienced and I knew I wasn't strong enough to resist it's magnetic pull. He refused to move the car and took it one step further...not until you look at me, he said. I slowly turned my head towards his, hoping that the overflowing passion was not written all over my face...and at that moment our eyes met, and as he looked into my eyes he asked me one more time to tell him what I had been thinking. I was lost in his mesmerizing gaze and I couldn't figure out how to form even one word. All I could do is feebly shake my head in a sad excuse for a no. Then he reached over, put his hands on my face and leaned in, our eyes never leaving each other till our lips met in an explosive kiss. Every emotion of passion, love, ecstasy, lust, attraction I've ever felt in my entire life could not compare to what I was feeling in that moment. After devouring each others kisses he pulled me closer and looked into my eyes and said breathlessly BELMONT, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW LONG I'VE WANTED TO DO THAT.