Where do I even start? Was it because so much had happened that I couldn’t even keep track of the order of events anymore? Or was it because so little had occurred, that the lack of details were depressing beyond belief, to the point where blocking it out was the only survivable option? I didn’t know. All I knew was that nearly an entire year and half had gone by, and Ian and I were no longer together.

What happened? I happened, that’s what. Typical me, ruining every good opportunity in my life; destroying a relationship before it destroyed me. That was the usual “Lexi pattern.” I had succeeded in convincing Ian to believe that my feelings weren’t real. How did I pull it off? Let’s pause and rewind, shall we?

“Lexi?”

There was suddenly a knock at my door.

“Can I come in?”

“Yeah, come on in.” I put my pen down, shut my diary, and tucked it away in the drawer of my nightstand. My torturous stroll down memory lane would have to wait.

The door opened and in walked my best friend, Amber. “Hey babes, are you all packed for tomorrow?”

“Yep,” I forced a smile.

“Great!” She sat down on the desk chair in my dorm room and studied me. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I was just trying to nap a bit.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Amber was about to get up.

“No, it’s okay. I just haven’t been sleeping well lately.”

“Is it because of the therapy?”

“Yeah,”

“You know you can always talk to me about it.”

“I know. I appreciate it, Amber. I’m okay though, I promise.”

She really was an amazing friend. No matter what kind of crisis I went through, she was always at my side. The girl had chopped her wavy brown locks really short, dyeing the tips electric blue. She looked like a rock star with that sparkly eye makeup and hot pink gloss. I admired her for being so bold with her sense of style. She didn’t take shit from no one. People naturally loved her personality because she was so down to earth.

“Are you excited about this trip? I can’t believe we’re finally flying out to Ibiza!” she exclaimed.

“You’re pronouncing it wrong,” I laughed. “It’s supposed to sound like Ibi-tha, the ‘z’ is silent.”

“Oh, well, whatever—just think of all the hot guys we’ll meet and all the club hopping we’ll do. I swear, I brought like fifteen different bikinis with me, and we’re only going away for a week!” She sounded so excited.

“I think we both went a little overboard at the Bikini Hut,” I added.

“Do you think he-who-shall-not-be-named will be there?”

“Amber, it’s okay, you can say his name. I’m over it. I’ve been over it for the longest while. And no, I doubt Ian will be there—being a huge break out DJ and all. He’s finally achieved the fame he’s always wanted. He won’t be doing small time gigs.”

“The guy came off sounding pretty arrogant in that interview I saw him do last week. I didn’t tell you about it because I thought it would upset you, but the fame’s clearly gotten to his head.”

Shortly after we split, his star began to rise. I had done everything possible to avoid seeing and hearing about him. He was all over the news, YouTube, Twitter, every social media outlet you can think of. I’d walk by news stands on the street and I would see his face plastered on the front page of an entertainment magazine; DJ IJ Parties it up in Rome… DJ IJ and Mystery Woman Leave Hotel in Prague… DJ IJ Checks in to Rehab… Those headlines always left this empty feeling in my chest whenever I read that garbage. It was easier to turn a blind eye and pretend like the breakup never happened, and that I never met him in the first place.

“Anyways,” Amber stretched. “I’ll let you get some rest. Call you in the morning, boo.”

“’Night, sweetie.”

I stood up and hugged my friend before she left. Now it was just me, myself, and the haunting memories that materialized in my mind…

“What the bloody hell, Lexi? What do I need to do to get you to see that I want to be with you? I can’t keep playing these games.”

“I’m not playing games, Ian. We tried to make this work. It’s failing.”

“Only because you want it to fail!”

“Look, you’ve finally gotten the opportunity of a lifetime. You’ve been dreaming of this moment, and I’m not going to get in the way of that!”

“Yes, and I’m feelin’ bloody fuckin’ fantastic about it, but that doesn’t mean we have to break up. Why do you keep jumpin’ at every opportunity to break things off with me?”

“Because there is no way our relationship can last while you’re touring the world and I’m stuck here doing school.”

“It can last. We’ll keep in touch. I’ll fly out to you or fly you out to me whenever you’re on break. Babe, come on, we’re stronger than this…”

“Do you honestly believe you’ll have a flexible schedule now? Wake up Ian! Please be realistic.”

“I am being realistic. You’re the one who’s damning us to hell!”

“This is an act of selflessness. I’m putting you first! I’m setting you free!”

We argued back and forth inside his hotel room in Toronto.

“You want me to be free?’ Ian looked at me with an expression I had never seen before. “I’ll show you freedom.” He grabbed his black leather jacket and headed towards the door before he turned around and said, “Hope you’re happy, Lexi. You’ve officially broken me. Do me a favor and don’t be here when I get back. I don’t ever want to see you again.”

He walked out on me and I immediately broke down crying as soon as the door slammed shut.

This was the last time we ever saw each other. I didn’t want to hold him back, and I didn’t think my insecurities were unjustified. Now he was this famous celebrity and everyone wanted a piece of him. He was a global chick magnet and I just couldn’t handle the stress of dealing with all the cons that came with being with a person who was constantly in the public eye. I wasn’t envious of his fame. Of course I wanted to make my mark in this world somehow, someday, but I wouldn’t be doing it through acting, modelling, much less DJ-ing.

Ian had worked hard to earn his fame, and I felt like our worlds would clash. A part of me believed I would no longer belong in his fast lane lifestyle. I didn’t want to give my heart to somebody who would end up leaving me. But I was only deceiving myself, because he already had my heart, whether I liked it or not. That good looking Irishman took it with him everywhere he went from the day I finished us. An entire year and a half had gone by and I was still single, still battling issues regarding intimate relationships, and still reluctant to give anybody a shot.

In short, I was neurotic as ever, and still a self-proclaimed ice princess. I was proud of my title. Not.

oOo
Ibiza. The world’s biggest party capital. Amber and I had flown out yesterday with a few of our friends, Nick and Sarah. We were staying at an all-inclusive resort and had these awesome tickets to go on a boat party, which basically consisted of parading around in skimpy bikinis, sipping back cocktails, and dancing to beats while cruising the Mediterranean. My friends didn’t want to leave Spain without experiencing a party out to sea.

I was wearing a black, stringed bikini with my hair down and shades on, dancing in the sunshine, as a DJ worked a set on the yacht. The usual flock of men hovered around me like vultures, waiting for me to give them enough eye contact to make a move. But I didn’t want to be approached by anyone. Most of these guys were just looking for an easy lay. All I wanted was to have a good time with my friends.

Nick and I had a thing at one point, but never got serious and we never hooked up that way. I mean, we dated a brief while, (like a month) but never made it to the bedroom. He was a good looking guy, don’t get me wrong. He was tall, athletic, blue eyes, dark brown hair… but he wasn’t Ian. Sarah was recently crushing on him.

Amber cheered and hollered, waving her drink in the air as she began to dance with the music. I liked her blue bikini, looked great with her blue hair. This vacation was starting out amazing. I was actually enjoying myself. Ultimately, I never wanted to go through life with regrets, though I already had too many.

“Ladies and gents, can I have your attention please?”

The music suddenly died down, as the DJ made an announcement. “I’ve got a special surprise for you all today. One of my best friend’s is on this boat right now, and he’s someone you all know. I’m sure you’re all a huge fan of him too.” He paused for a climactic buildup as the crowd started cheering. “Alright people, put your hands up for Deeeeeejaaaaaaay I-Jaaaaaaay!”

“Oh-my-god…” Amber squeezed in next to me, almost spilling her drink.

“Holy crap, Ian’s here!” Sarah exclaimed.

Well, duh! I wasn’t freaking blind! Nick gave me a worried look. He knew about my history with Ian. How did I feel at this exact given moment? My world had flipped upside down, and I couldn’t understand how I was still standing with my feet on the floor. The house music faded out, as Ian put on his headphones and dominated the deck.

“Lexi, you okay?” Amber appeared in front of me.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Thank god I had shades on. I really didn’t want her to see the tears in my eyes.

“I can’t believe he’s here,” she continued. “This is the worst time to be on a boat. It’s not like we can exactly escape. 

“Ewww” Sarah squealed. “Look at those sluts dancing next to him!”

“Come on, Lexi,” said Nick. “There’s plenty of room on this boat. We don’t have to stick around and watch.” He always felt so protective of me.

“Why would should we escape?” I looked at my friends. “We paid to come and have a good time, and we’re going to do exactly that, Ian or no Ian.” I fabricated a convincing smile and started to dance.

The gang still looked a little worried, but once Ian dropped a Hardwell track, they started moving to the beats.

He looked good. Shit, he looked amazing. He seemed happy, and for some reason that completely gutted me.

Of course he would be happy. You’re a curse, remember? Ian’s reached his dreams and he did it without you.

This was seriously the worst time to start beating myself up.

“I need another drink!” Amber linked her arm around my mine and pulled me away from the dancing crowd.

Thank God Ian didn’t see me. I wanted to hide. But where could I go? If there was ever a time where I wished I could turn into a mermaid and live eternally under the sea… that was it right there.

“Just ignore him.” Amber handed me a shot and we both swigged back the vodka.

“I’m seriously fine,” I told her. “Besides, how the hell can I ignore him when he’s up on a podium with all these people screaming his name?”

“You need to show him that you’re totally over him. Dance with Nick.”

“Amber, I’m not the scorned lover here. I broke up with Ian, remember? He has every right to feel hostile towards me. Whether he’s single or taken, it’s his life. He can live it however he wants.”

“Do you regret your decision?” she asked.

“No.”

I was lying to myself. I didn’t regret letting him go because he got famous. I regretted my decision because I was still madly in love with him. The thick sheet of ice that I had blockaded around my heart, instantly melted upon first gaze. Now all I felt was this excruciating sting inside my chest. It was a painful reminder that my heart was still beating, still alive, and still yearning for something that I’ve always wanted but had continuously denied myself of; love.

I watched him on stage, working double decks, flawlessly beat matching and transitioning tracks. He always got so into it. I could tell that music and producing was truly his passion, just like writing was mine. That killer smile always melted me. He raised his arms in the air, getting the crowd more hyped up for the drop that was approaching in the song. I noticed the way he kept doing this really cute thing with his right hand during melodies—looked like he was running his fingers along floating piano keys.

“Come on, champ! You need another shot!” Amber handed me the shot glass and I gladly threw back the liquor, embracing the burning sensation at the back of my throat.

We hung by the bar for a while until I was halfway intoxicated. It was such a bad idea to get drunk.

Just keep a low profile, and hang back in the crowd. He won’t see you.

oOo
I was relieved when the yacht finally anchored by the harbor. Ian only worked a set for an hour. Seeing him again really messed me up inside. It was like self-inflicted chest rape. I was relieved to get off that party boat. All I wanted to do was go back to our hotel, drown my sorrows with some more alcohol, and sleep it off till noon the next day.

“Excuse me, Ms. Milani?”

I turned around, feeling unexpectedly intimidated by the bulky guy towering over me.

“How do you know my name?”

“I’m here to relay a message to you.” He handed me a folded note and waited.

I slid my sunglasses on top of my head and read the hand writing.

Saw you in the crowd. Didn’t like the way we left things last time.
Can we talk and catch up? Just want to see how you’re doing.
-Ian x
“So, is that a yes?” the stranger asked me.

“Um…” I honestly didn’t know what to think. I was nervous, somewhat nauseous, but most of all, I was bordering on an anxiety attack. I tried to remember the advice my therapist gave me two weeks ago;

Stop running away from situations where you have to open up to people, Lexi. It’s okay to feel emotionally exposed around loved ones. They’re called loved ones for a reason.

“Lexi, what’s going on?” Nick asked me. “Who is this guy? He giving you trouble?”

“Hardly, pal. Back off.” The man gave him a hostile glare. He was twice Nick’s size and had a hint of a Brooklyn accent.

“No one’s giving me trouble, Nick,” I reassured him and showed Amber the note. Her mouth literally dropped wide open.

“Don’t mean to rush you,” said the man. “But I’m sort of on a time crunch here.” He tapped his watch and looked at me.

“She’s going.” Amber spoke up.

“What? No, I can’t.”

“Lexi, this is a good thing. You need to talk to him.”

“Talk to who?” Nick questioned.

“Ian,” Sarah replied.

“Guys, I can’t. Too much time has passed. It’ll be awkward.”

“I agree with Lexi.” Nick swung his arm around my shoulder. “How about we all head over to a bar on the beach? My treat.” He tried to dissuade me.

Amber rolled her eyes and pulled me away from him. “Look, if he didn’t want to talk to you, he wouldn’t have gone through the trouble of sending Mr. Schwarzenegger-lookalike to extend an invitation.”

The guy folded his massive arms in his chest and quirked an eyebrow at her.

“She meant that as a compliment,” Sarah nervously giggled and touched his bicep. “Oh my, what big guns you have!”

It took a while for me to respond, but I eventually surrendered. “Fine. I’ll go.”

oOo
I was escorted on to a huge, luxury yacht that was much bigger and definitely way more expensive than the party boat. There were approximately fifteen people on board. Young men and women dressed in swimwear, mingling with drinks in hand and enjoying the weather and music. They must’ve been Ian’s friends. I recognized the song that was playing; Py, Swimming Slow. It was the Sweater Beats remix, if memory served me well.

“So, um… do you have a name?” I asked the man that was guiding me through the yacht. I was just crazy nervous and needed to strike up some convo to calm down.

“Dino,” he answered, leading me towards the back, where a handsome man was standing, facing the ocean. He was dressed in white swimming trunks and a light blue shirt, rolled up at the sleeves.

“She’s here, boss.”

No, no, please don’t leave me alone with him. My heart was pounding fast, as I held my breath as soon as Ian turned around. I’m sure I looked like I had seen a ghost. His shirt was undone all the way, revealing an attractively tanned and toned body… a body I had touched, kissed, and slept with.

“Well, come give us a hug, will ya?” He smiled and opened his arms, while I just stood there, statuesque.

“Lexi,” he took a step forward, and I swear it was like a tsunami was approaching behind him. Because as soon as I embraced him, I felt myself getting pulled under the powerful tidal wave, drowning in a sea of emotion.

Everything came rushing back. All those feelings, the insane physical attraction. I secretly wished I could freeze time and just breathe him in forever. I didn’t want to let go. This moment was perfect. Being in his arms again felt like home. It was as if my body had been tense ever since we departed, but finally relaxed once it came in direct contact with his.

“I’m glad you came,” he murmured in my ear in that sexy Irish accent, hugging me tightly. My breasts were literally pressed against his chest, and I was worried that he would feel my heart pounding like a bass drum.

I still hadn’t breathed a word, only because I was too overwhelmed by all the feelings that were hitting me at once. It was too much for me to handle while slightly intoxicated. I exhaled slowly, familiarizing my body with the feel of his, after such a long separation.

How did I ever let this man go? What the hell is wrong with me? I silently scolded myself.

This wasn’t just an ordinary hug. I was living the past year and a half with a soul that was on the verge of dying. But as soon as we embraced, I felt a transference of essence between our bodies, like some cosmic exchange of energy that awakened something inside me. I didn’t want to let go, and he just held me without restraining affection. I think he knew that I needed this. Ian could always read me like a book. In fact, he wouldn’t even need to open me up to know what the pages contained. He just—somehow—knew.

“You look really good,” I pulled back and tried to seal off my overflowing emotional well. “You look happy.”

“I am,” he smiled again, still gripping my hips.

A part of me wished he was happy because he had ran into me again, but I knew better. Why did this magnetic attraction exist between us? How come every time I was within a five foot radius of this man, all I wanted to do was naturally gravitate towards him? Did he feel the same way too? I was suddenly assaulted with flickering images of Ian’s body on top of mine, moving between my legs while we both lay naked in tousled sheets.

“Still a stunner,” he complimented me. “It’s no wonder I was able to notice you in the crowd.”

An embarrassing shade of blush began to spread across my cheeks. I was speechless. I honestly had no idea what to say to him. The shock of just standing face to face again had not yet left my system.

“Ian, I…” The words were on the tip of my tongue, but I was clearly having difficulty saying them.

“Let’s leave the past where it belongs, Lexi.” He gave a wistful smile.

I guess he knew what I wanted to say.

“So, tell me, where’s the lucky lad?”

I looked at him in confusion. “I’m not following…”

He chuckled and folded his arms in chest. “The boyfriend, where is he?”

Did he honestly believe that I was able to move on from him? I knew it was almost two years that had passed, but Ian was not someone that I could just get over. I thought I could, but I was wrong.

“No boyfriend in the picture.”

“You’re kiddin’ right?”

“Why would I lie? You know me, the emotional cripple.”

His gaze was inquisitive, and I felt like he was undressing me with his eyes.

“What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

“I don’t know how else to look at you, babe.”

Babe, I actually missed him calling me that.

“You always reply with that answer.”

“And you always ask me that question,” he chuckled.

I missed seeing him smile and laugh and just being happy. The last time we parted ways, he looked so unbelievably crushed. I cried my eyes out for months with that constant image playing on loop in my mind; Ian ripping his mutilated heart out of his chest and dropping it on the floor before walking out. I often had nightmares like this. I’d find myself standing in that hotel room, breaking up with Ian all over again, and watching him pick up his bleeding heart, in hopes that I could put it back inside his chest. But as soon as I’d hold the bloodied organ, it would turn into black sand and slip through my fingers. Yeah, pretty graphic.

I really needed to hug him again. The first one didn’t linger long enough to alleviate the aching feeling.

“So, why did you really send me that note?”

“It’s been too long—just wanted to see how you were doin’.”

Well, that was logical enough. The wind whipped my hair around my face, but I never took my eyes off him.

“I assume you’re on vacation?” he asked.

“Yes, flew in with Amber and some friends yesterday. We’ll be in Ibiza for the next five days. I didn’t expect to see you here. I thought you’d be touring France.”

“Are ya stalkin’ my concert schedule?” he grinned.

“What? No! I just happened to browse online and got curious.”

“Right,” he stifled a laugh.

My god, how was it possible for this man to be so good looking? He had the most expressive eyes I had ever encountered in my life.

“So, are you sure you’re not dating anyone?” Ian questioned with suspicion. “Because you looked pretty cozy with that guy on the boat.”

“Nick? No, he’s just… I mean, he’s interested in me, but we’re not officially… we’re complicated.”

Smooth, real smooth.

“What about you? I’ve seen you in a couple tabloids with a mystery woman. So, spill it, who is she?”

He was about to answer, when someone called out his name. I turned around and saw a bombshell blonde walking towards us. She looked like a Victoria’s Secret model, dressed in a peach colored bikini, strutting in six inch, open toe heels. Her hair was cut in a short bob, and her eyes were viper green.

“Is this your friend, zolotse?” she spoke in a thick Russian accent. I was familiar with that language. My grandmother spoke it fluently. Despite the freezing climate in Russia, the language was rich with warm and affectionate terms of endearment. Zolotse meant, “my gold.”

“Uh, yeah—Lexi, this is Anya—Anya, Lexi.”

I extended my right hand to be polite and make a formal acquaintance, but she just gave me a dirty look, wrapped her arms around Ian’s waist and started kissing his neck. There was nothing innocent about it. This was basic Alpha female psychology. She was silently communicating that this man was hers, and warning me to keep my paws off.

“Um, Anya…” Ian laughed uneasily and tried to make her stop acting like a bitch in heat. “Not here, babe.”

Babe. I felt a twinge of jealousy. How stupid of me to believe that he would only use that pet name on me. I had long expired its use. It no longer belonged to me, and he was no longer mine. Then how come I was feeling so twisted inside?

“Well, it was nice seeing you again,” I said to him. “I better get going.”

“Lexi, wait,” he called out, untangling himself from Anya’s arms. “Why don’t you stay? We’re just goin’ to cruise the island for a couple hours.”

“I’d love to, but I really have to get back to my friends. They’re expecting me.”

So I said a little white lie to get out of the awkwardness. Big deal.

“Oh, okay. Well, I wanted to give you these.” He reached into his back pocket.

“Are those tickets to your show tonight?”

“Yeah, I’ll be spinning a set at Orchid nightclub. How many extras you need for your friends?”

“Ian, you don’t have to, I—”

“Don’t be silly, I want you there.”

“I just…”

“Lexi,” he placed his hand on my shoulder and looked straight through me. “It would honestly mean a lot to me if you came to my show, please?”

How could I say no?

“There’s four of us all together.”

He handed me the passes and smiled so genuinely, it hurt my heart to just hold his gaze.

“I expect to see you.”

“I’m not sure if you could spot me through a crazy crowd.”

“I could find you in a crowd of thousands. You stand out. You always stand out. That hasn’t changed. Besides, these tickets are VIP, so you’ll be up close and center.”

Why did he have to be so charming? It only made old feelings that I had long buried, rise to the surface.

“Lyubov moy,” Anya called out in her native tongue. “Come. I miss you.” She had a really nasal sounding voice. It wasn’t very pleasing to my ears.

“Yeah, just a sec,” Ian answered.

I wanted to get off that yacht. As soon as I saw his girlfriend I didn’t feel comfortable anymore. I felt vulnerable and was worried that everyone he’d introduce me to would know I had feelings for him.

Do I? Just how deep? I asked myself.

“I’ll see you later.” I tried to sound cheerful.

“Tonight, I hope?”

“Tonight.” I forced the muscles in my face to move, and finally offered him a genuine smile.

oOo
1:00AM- Orchid Nightclub

Ian’s set was amazing. He played for three hours, dropping the best electro house beats of the year, including some mind blowing tracks he produced on his latest album, Hypnotism. I always knew he was incredibly talented. He looked like a god up there on that stage, completely in his element. I think I had a thing for DJ’s and producers, especially good looking talented ones. I had a genuine respect for his passion and absolutely loved music. I couldn’t live without it. To watch him influence people’s feelings and set the tone of the atmosphere with synthesized melodies that he produced, was just incredible to witness and experience. Electronic music was so emotional. It wasn’t just computer noises. People who were ignorant to that genre were always quick to draw such a conclusion. Ian was just so into it. He started clapping his hands in the air, getting the crowd more excited. He was a natural. He was born to do this.

I was in the front row between Amber and Nick. There were sexy go-dancers, moving their bodies in synchronized choreography on the stage, but he honestly didn’t need them there. I wasn’t thinking that as a “jealous ex-girlfriend,” he was pleasing enough on the eyes, and his music is what made the experience so epic. I guess I was biased because I identified as a heterosexual woman. There were plenty of guys and probably bisexual, lesbian chicks in the crowd, who definitely appreciated the female eye candy on his set.

When the last song finally faded out, Ian took the mic. “Thank you Ibiza! You guys have been one of the best crowds ever. I always look forward to comin’ down here when I’m tourin’. I wouldn’t be where I am today without my amazin’ fans. Thank you truly from the bottom of my heart. Drink up, party hard, and stay safe tonight. I love you Ibiza!”

The crowd went wild, cheering as their idol walked off the set.

“Oh my god, Lexi, that was incredible!” Amber exclaimed.

“I don’t know, I’ve seen better,” Nick added.

I rolled my eyes at him. I wasn’t sure if his opinion was expressed out of honesty or jealousy.

“Let’s get our drink on!” said Sarah.

She hooked her arm around Nick’s and headed towards the bar. We were all about to follow her, when I was approached by one of the bouncers.

“Excuse me Miss, but your company has been requested by DJ IJ in VIP.”

“Oh…” I looked like a deer in headlights.

“She’s not going alone,” Nick wrapped a possessive arm around my waist. I guess he didn’t go with Sarah after all. “Tell DJ IJ it’s rude of him to forget inviting Lexi’s friends.”

The bouncer was wearing an ear piece and started to speak into the microphone. “She’s got an entourage, he cool with that?” There was a short pause. “Okay, be right up.” He looked at me and said, “Alright, you can bring your friends. Follow me.”

oOo
The VIP lounge was definitely impressive. We were on top of the roof of the club, and it was tastefully decorated with modern furniture and a fancy bar. It virtually looked like the inside of a nightclub, except it was on top of the building… outside. White sofas were spread out around the space, with glowing, cube shaped tables placed in the center.

There must’ve been about fifty people up there. All the men and women on this island were in great shape. I was wearing a white tube top, white skirt, and heels. My shoes were hot, but they were seriously murdering my feet. The afternoon sun had done wonders to my skin. I had a brilliant tan, which was why I felt compelled to show more skin than usual. Okay, that was a lie, maybe I just wanted to remind Ian of everything he was missing out on.

“Lexi!” He spotted me in the distance and I waved back at him. He wasn’t alone though, that Anya girl was on his arm, wearing a tight, black halter dress, spiky heels, and her hair was crimped. Her makeup was heavier than mine, but I liked her smoky eye shadow. She probably had her own personal stylist and beauty team. I went for a shimmery, nude lip gloss that evening, with a thin layer of black eyeliner over and under my lids, and I had dusted my cheekbones with a bit of glitter. My eye lashes were naturally long, so I didn’t need to glue on falsies, mascara did the trick just fine. Of course, Amber thought she would take it upon herself to make me sparkle even more, covering my arms and shoulders with body glitter. She said, and I quote, “You worked damn hard for that beach body. Show it off, sparkle! Make him eat his heart out!” And by him, she meant Ian.

“I’m so glad you made it.” He greeted me with a hug that didn’t linger as long as I would’ve liked, but at least I still got to touch him.

“Your set was absolutely amazing, blew me away.” I smiled shyly, desperately trying to gain control over the way he was making me feel. That undeniable pull was happening again.

“Thank you,” Ian smiled back and leaned into my ear. “You look stunnin’ tonight.”

Nick’s eyes were on me, frowning as I blushed. I introduced Ian to all my friends and once the introductions were out of the way, Sarah asked, “So, do we get free bottle service or what?”

“Of course,” he replied. “Have a seat, please.” Ian gestured at the circular sofa across from him.

There was another DJ playing in VIP, and the lineup of tracks were a variety of progressive deep house tunes. Within minutes, we were all throwing back shots. I was surprised all these women weren’t throwing themselves at Ian. He looked effing-hawt. Yes, spelled H-A-W-T, which basically meant he was too hot and too cool for the proper spelling in Lexi lingo. I always loved his semi casual looks. He wore an ironed white shirt, sleeves rolled up at the elbows, which only drew attention to his massive arms. I wasn’t sure what brand of jeans he was wearing, but the stone washed denim looked sexy on him, and his shoes were black, high top shoes with leather accents and buckles. They were designed by Saint Laurent. Expensive? Um, yeah, totally. Overall, he looked very stylish, especially with the beaded wristbands he was fashioning on his right wrist. From what I remembered, he had an army of those things. I actually still had one of his bracelets in my shoe box of “Lian” memories.

Everyone was chatting the night away and having a good time, and I tried to look like I was actively participating in the conversation, but my mind was totally someplace else. It was seriously hard to think when Ian kept glancing at me. Every time I tried to focus on something else, I’d feel his eyes on me, and he would effortlessly steal my gaze and lock it on him. We were totally eye-sexing each other.

I was sitting on his cock and riding him on that sofa, slow and teasingly. He was groaning in pleasure and pulling down my tube top so he could lick and fondle my breasts with greedy hands. No, this didn’t actually happen. It was only transpiring in my mind, and I was pretty sure he was thinking it too.

Ian was a very a sexual guy. He was amazing in bed and definitely went out of his way to pleasure me to maximum degree. I used to tease him and call his cock “my lucky charm.” Yeah, total l-o-l moment. I remembered the way he cracked up when I told him that he should’ve been happy that I didn’t nickname his dick “little leprechaun.”

“I want to dance!” Amber stood up, almost falling over because she was getting drunk.

“Easy, don’t fall on your face!” Sarah got to her feet and helped her catch her balance.

“Come on guys!” Amber encouraged us.

“Lexi, do you mind if I steal Nick for a few dances?” asked Sarah.

“He doesn’t need my permission,” I answered.

“I’d much rather dance with you,” Nick said to me.

“My feet are killing me. I shouldn’t have worn these shoes tonight.”

“Still sacrificing comfort for killer heels, I see,” Ian cut into the conversation.

“It’s a sacrifice one must make to look stunnin’” I mimicked the last word in an Irish accent.

He laughed humorously and swigged back a shot.

“Move your ass, Nick! I love this song, don’t make me dance alone,” Sarah complained. He really didn’t want to leave my side, but Sarah successfully managed to pull him away.

And then there were three; me, Ian, and his question mark girlfriend. Maybe she was more like an accessory made only for celebrities, like one of the “must haves” of the rich and famous; a glamorous fashion model at your side. I guess it was just something on Ian’s bucket list. I didn’t want to pry, so I decided not to bombard him with questions and sat back, sipping on my drink, enjoying the music and nightlife.

Anya suddenly shifted onto his lap. I can only assume that she felt threatened by my presence. He briefly whispered something in her ear that was inaudible to me, and then she scowled at me in a really snobby way. Did this broad seriously think she was better than me? I threw those invisible daggers right back at her, ninja style, and watched her stand up to leave the lounge. If there was one thing I hated, it was rude people.

Immediately, I looked at Ian in confusion. “Did you say something to upset her? Why did she leave?”

“Just told her the truth.”

“Which was…” I waited for a response.

“Which is that I’d like to spend some time with my ex-girlfriend and would appreciate it if she would give us some time alone.”

Whoa, no way. “You’re lying.”

“Why would I? I have no commitments to her. We’re not dating and she knows that.”

“I thought you weren’t the type of guy to do the whole no-strings-attached deal?”

“Yes, well,” he scooted closer and rested his arm along the edge of the sofa behind me. “You certainly taught me a lesson, didn’t ya?”

“Ouch.”

That really did sting.

“I’m sorry, didn’t mean to sound like a bitter jerk. It just… came out.”

“It’s okay, I understand. I’m not mad.” I finished my drink and Ian quickly ordered me another. “I think I’m reaching my limit,” I laughed lightly.

“Nonsense, you’re not even a wee bit tipsy yet.”

I started giggling.

“What’s so funny?”

“The way you say that word, wee.”

“Of course, I should’ve known,” he chuckled.

The music took a change of pace from house to drum and bass and garage vibes.

“Do you know this song?” Ian asked. He finished his shot and moved in even closer. The leg that I had crossed over my thigh was touching his shin.

“No, I’ve never heard it before. But it sounds amazing.”

“Essess featuring Brendan Reilly, Just Friends.”

“You’re like a human juke box.” I giggled.

“Tell me something I don’t know, babe.” Ian placed his hand on my knee and leaned into my ear, whispering, “Listen to the lyrics.”

I instantly got the shivers. It was a combination of goose bumps caused by his touch and the message behind those lyrics. I didn’t want him to take his hand away, but he did.

“You have no idea how many times I’ve heard this song and thought about you every time it plays.”

“You should probably have the clubs ban it when you show up.”

“Nah, the track’s amazin’.” He regarded me carefully. “Why would I want to ban a song that expresses my feelings so accurately?”

I blushed and averted my eyes.

“Why’d ya have to be so beautiful?” He tilted my chin up and the way he was staring at me was giving me major butterflies.

“You always ask me that.”

“I’m dead serious this time.” Ian dropped his hand and placed it on my thigh. “I’ve been around the world this past year and a half, and I’ve seen good lookin’ women, but they can never measure up to you. I’m the idiot for lettin’ you slip away.”

“Ian, you’re drunk.” I felt this tug at my heart strings when I saw the pained expression on his face.

“I should’ve fought harder for you. I should’ve stayed. You’ve been through hell because of that scum. I was selfish.”

“It’s okay, let’s not go there.”

But he didn’t listen. “I expected you to be on the same page as me. We were in love, and that feelin’ was just grand. I just…”

I couldn’t stop myself any longer. I shifted over and closed the remaining bit of space between us, as I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him. God, he smelled so good. He always did.

“I’m the one who broke up with you. You shouldn’t bear the blame for that,” I spoke softly in his ear.

“You needed someone to fight for you, and I’ve always been the kind of man to not easily be discouraged. But when it came to you, I just lost all power. I was so in love with you, Lexi. You don’t understand.” He withdrew for a moment and looked in my eyes.

I saw pain, regret, longing, and a possible promise that he still was in love with me

“I do understand,” I conveyed in a hushed voice.

“It’s just hard to forget you. It’s like attemptin’ to wipe Ireland off the map and every history book, just not possible. You can’t erase history. ” He gently caressed my cheek. “I guess I’ll just have to live with the fact that you are an unforgettable face.”

My cheeks heated up, and I think he felt it because he grinned.

“Did you just compare me to Ireland?”

“Yes, my motherland. You should be flattered, Lexi.” He winked.

“Stop it.” I laughed.

“Stop what?”

“Stop being so Iany.”

“Well, now I’m flattered. I have my own word, that’s grand. All you have to do is get that officially added to the English dictionary.”

“You’re still the only one who can manage to make me smile so much,” I said to him.

“And you’re still the only one who can break my heart with a smile.”

“Aw, why do you say that?”

“It’s heartbreaking because I wish I could wake up to that smile every mornin’, and the reality is that I can’t. You’re not mine anymore. All I have are memories.”

My emotions always felt a hundred times more amplified when I was drunk, though I wasn’t totally intoxicated, just buzzing. All I wanted to do in that moment was abandon self-restraint and just kiss him without reservation.

“You’re not the only one left with haunting memories.” I reached for his hand and held it.

“Are you sure you want to do that? Your boyfriend over there has been giving me quiet death threats all night.”

I rolled my eyes. “Nick’s not my boyfriend. We dated at one point, but it didn’t work out. Now we’re just friends. Well, trying to be. I think he struggles with it.”

Ian started laughing out loud. “Poor bastard.”

“Why are you laughing?” I frowned.

“I’m sorry, babe, but any man that falls in love with you can never be okay with bein’ friend zoned. I mean, look at me. I’m a great example. Nick and I already have somethin’ in common. I’ll drink to that.” He took another shot.

I didn’t know whether to feel flattered or annoyed.

“You know, I was thinkin'…” Ian turned his attention on me once more. “Do you want to get out of here?” 

“Where did you want to go?”

“Would you like to take a stroll on the beach with me? I’m staying at this private resort. We could just hang at my hotel and have a proper chat.”

“The first time you made that offer to me, we ended up with our clothes off. Do I need to add further detail?”

He laughed under his breath, shaking his head. “I can assure you that won’t happen this time.”

“Is it odd that I find that offensive?”

“Please, you know you’re drop dead gorgeous. It’s me, my standards have changed. I’ve changed.”

What did he mean?

“Oh, so now I’m out of your league now that you’re rich and famous?”

“Look at you, eh? Always quick to get on the defensive.” He appeared amused. “Last I recall, you seemed to be the type of girl who didn’t do one night stands, and since I’m all about casual sex these days, I don’t think you’d be down for just a one-time fuck.”

I wasn’t sure why, but his blunt confession really affected me in a negative way. “What happened to you, Ian?” I frowned.

“Isn’t it obvious? You happened to me.”

Had I truly damaged him that bad?

“You can’t say that. That’s not fair.”

“What’s not fair?”

“You can’t blame me for the lifestyle choices you’ve made, post break up.”

“But I do blame you, Lexi. In fact,” he paused and drank another shot, fixing his heated gaze on me. “It’s all your fault. It’s difficult to keep your heart actively involved in sex, especially when somebody else still has it. Too bad you threw mine away like yesterday’s trash. Although, empty fucking isn’t all that bad, I must admit. You get used to it after a while.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

“What the hell is your problem? One minute you’re sweet and charismatic, now you’re being a total douche!” I was clearly upset and almost ready to leave. “Are you on some twisted revenge mission? Is that why you invited me on your yacht and insisted I come here? To flash your wealth and success in front of me? Does that make you feel better? More manly? Because I’m not sad or bitter that you’re successful. I’m happy for you, you always deserved it. That’s why I broke up with you in the first place, so that you could achieve all your dreams and put yourself first.”

“I don’t know what’s worse,” he scratched his chin. “Castration or havin’ my heart ripped out of my chest. Oh, wait—I do. Thank you for mutilatin’ a part of me that I didn’t need. You did me a favor.”

“I can’t believe you are saying these things to me.” I fought back tears as I stood up. “It was nice seeing you again, Ian, even though you completely crushed me under you shoe.” I turned to leave, but he caught my wrist. 

“Wait, don’t go,” he exhaled in frustration. “Forgive me, I’m just bein’ a stupid drunk. Can we please just blame it on my excessive drinking tendencies? I am Irish, after all."

I held back the tears and steeled myself. “Let go of my wrist. I’m leaving.”

“Please, Lexi, I don’t want us to part ways like this again. It’s too painful. Can’t you see that I’m still hurting?”

Those eyes always betrayed everything that he tried to hide away.

“That doesn’t give you a right to belittle me,” I voiced.

“You’re right, it doesn’t. You’re the only woman who can truly put me in my place—besides my mum… and my sister, and…”

I rolled my eyes. “Goodbye, Ian.”

“Hold it!” he yanked me back so hard that I ended up colliding into his chest. As angry as I was, all I could feel in that moment was extreme arousal. His hands were on my lower back, holding me close to him.

“Why does it always have to be fight of flight with you?”

“I’m not going to fight with you in public,” I sternly replied.

“Everything okay, Lexi?” Nick suddenly showed up, looking just about ready to start a brawl.

Ian loosened his grip, allowing me to slip out of his arms.

“Yeah, everything’s fine,” I stated. “I’m ready to leave.” I looked at Ian and said, “Thanks again for the passes.”

“You forgot something.” He quickly grabbed a pen that was left on the table, and wrote three digits on my hand; 701. Ian leaned into my ear and whispered something before he looked into my eyes and hoped to find the answer to his question. I gave nothing away though.

“Goodnight.”

That was the last word I left him with before I exited the lounge with my friends.

oOo
I promised myself I wouldn’t be here. Then why was I? I was great at keeping promises to other people, but awful at keeping promises to myself. It was sort of similar to the way I gave great advice to others, but rarely ever took my own advice when it came to love and relationships. An hour ago, I had gone back to my hotel with my friends, undressed myself and jumped in the shower. By the time I stepped out, I still had those three numbers on my hand. I guess I hadn’t scrubbed it hard enough, or maybe I just didn’t want to wipe it off. Still, the black ink remained slightly faded. Even if I had washed it away, it wouldn’t have made a difference. I had already memorized the numbers and destination.

It was three in the morning, and I was standing on a beautiful terrace that looked out on the ocean. Palm trees were swaying in the breeze and tidal waves kept crashing on the shore. I loved the sound. It was so soothing. I could see the stars in the night sky, and a full moon had cast its luminous reflection in the dark water below. The atmosphere was just so romantic, it was a pure movie moment. Soft music was playing in the background, as I closed my eyes and just let myself absorb all the feelings that were soaking my core.

“Does this feel familiar?”

I felt a pair of muscular arms envelop me from behind, and I wasn’t sure if my heart was shutting down or beating stronger than ever.

“Ian…” I breathed.

“Don’t. Don’t force my arms away.”

“You’re with someone now,” I reminded him.

“I’m not.” His lips brushed against my earlobe, sending chills down my spine. “Honest, I’m not.”

My chest felt so heavy, weighed down by sadness, regret, and longing. I didn’t know how to neutralize these feelings so that I could feel indifferent again. He made it impossible when he held me this way.

“I miss touchin’ you.” He slowly moved his body side to side, rocking me in a restful motion to the beat of the drums. I folded my arms over his, and cushioned my head in the crook of his neck. His aftershave and cologne lingered into my nostrils, enticing me.

“This hurts.” I murmured.

“It’s only my body against yours, Lexi,” Ian whispered. “I’m not broken shards of glass. I won’t cut you. I won’t hurt you. I never did. You’re the one who shattered me. You might not see the blood stains, babe, but I swear I’m still bleedin’ from the chest.”

A tear drop rolled down my cheek, as I wiped it away and twisted around to face him. All the buttons on his white shirt were left undone. I stared at his pectoral muscles, mesmerized, placing my palm right where his heart was. But it only made me tear up worse, and I tried to control my trembling lip. As much as I wanted to think that I could heal the wounds I inflicted in there, I believed so strongly that my touch was toxic. If anything, he was probably bleeding more profusely from the contact.

“Keep still,” he demanded, keeping my hand in place and covering it with his. It’s like he read my mind and knew that I was about to pull it away.

“Why? I only make it worse.”

“You make it worse when you’re not touchin’ me.”

He instantly made me melt.

“I wish I could beat the shit out of that arse weed for messin’ you up so bad. You’re not a curse, Lexi. You never were. Why do you keep torturin’ yourself?” He reached out and gently ran his thumb along my jaw, wiping the fallen tear away. “Why do you torment me, babe?” he lowered his voice, still keeping a soft tone, but deeper.

“I’m not trying to.”

“Look at all this time that’s passed between us. I still haven’t been able to get you out of my system.”

“Did you want to?” I asked, fearing the answer.

“Badly.” His hands landed on my hips, pulling me closer to his body. “But it never worked.”

“We shouldn’t be doing this,”

“We should.” Ian’s eyes were almost glowing in the dim lighting. A warm breeze blew through my hair, cooling the perspiration on my skin. The night time temperature in Ibiza had cooled down a bit, but there was still some humidity in the air. Being out on the terrace felt so nostalgic. It reminded me of the first night he took me to his hotel room in Niagara.

“It’s just a dance,” he smiled charismatically. 

“It’s not just a dance. You’re working your Irish charm on me.”

Ian laughed. “If I truly worked any Irish charm on you, I never would have lost you to begin with. So, I think it’s safe to say that it’s under the category of a Celtic myth.”

“Don’t say that,” I placed a hand on his cheek. “You charmed me from the moment you shook my hand and smiled.”

“It’s the other way around, love.” He guided my arms around his neck and slowly outlined the curve of my waist with his hands, reaching my hips.

I missed the way he used to call me that. Did he call Anya that too? I didn’t want to think he did. Determinedly, I fixed my eyes on his open shirt collar and tried to pull myself together. I was just getting caught up in a moment. The mood music, the memories, it only intensified my feelings. When was I ever in control of my emotions around him? 

Ian glided his hands around me, caressing the dimples in my back. I shivered when he brushed his fingertips on the curving arch in my spine. He knew how much that aroused me, and I was desperately trying to regain some control over the way my body was reacting to his touch.

“I like this song,” I said to him.

“Let’s face it, you love every song I listen to. I have amazin’ taste in tunes.”

“Who’s the artist?”

“Tom Day, Who We Want To Be. I’ll send it to you so you can listen to it and properly reminisce over me. I know you already do.” He chortled.

“Don’t get cocky, please,” I snickered.

“Not bein’ cocky, babe. It’s no secret that I already reminisce over you and us, every day.”

This wasn’t an innocent dance between friends. This was a dance of seduction, and I was completely submerging underneath a tidal wave of sensation. I was drowning in him yet again, and I couldn’t pull away to come up for air. I wanted to sink and sink, until I was so deep inside that he could never rip his soul apart from mine. I wanted these feelings to kill me so that I could die and come back reincarnated. Brand new, undamaged, and no longer jaded.

“I’m sorry I hurt you,” I sincerely expressed, hoping that he could see the pain and guilt that was radiating from my eyes.

“I know you are,” he half smiled. “But I’m not sorry for falling in love with you, Lexi.” Ian stared at me so amorously, penetrating the barriers of my soul. “I’m not sorry that I still am,” he confessed.

I literally felt my heart valves tremble, while blocks of ice began to break off it. Temptation stirred within me, as I glanced at his attractive mouth and felt this burning desire to bridge the distance between our lips. Ian always ignited a furious passion within me every time we kissed. I could never just settle for one kiss alone. I needed more, so much more. Maybe that’s why I pushed him away so much. I didn’t want to need him. I never wanted to need anyone. It meant weakness. It meant being emotionally vulnerable. Loving someone meant giving them the opportunity to hurt you badly, just like my fatal ex did. I loved that man so much. I think the only reason why I gave Nick a chance is because I desperately wanted to be rehabilitated. Trying to love him felt safe, but loving Ian was risky and hazardous. Ultimately, I realized that I couldn’t rob someone else of true happiness. I had to fix myself on my own. That’s why I broke things off with Nick.

All my life I carried this metaphorical dagger with me to intimidate others and make them believe I was dangerous, so that they wouldn’t get close. I had been abandoned by my father; the first man to ever break my heart and leave me. I never wanted to allow another man to hurt me the same way again. But when I met the fatal ex, I fell in love so naively. He made me believe in him. He took the dagger from my hands and promised to guard me with his life.

You don’t need this anymore, hun. You have me. You’ll always have me. I love you. I would die for you. I’ll never let you down. I’d forfeit my life first. Please, trust in me.

And like a fool, I did. In the end he just shoved that blade straight through my heart, stunning me and crippling me forever before he walked backwards and disappeared into a thick fog. I never saw him again. He left me alone, lost, and fatally injured. If angels in Heaven were watching me that day, they were surely crying tears of agony, because what they had witnessed was the disappointing truth behind the nature of man; he was prone to committing unspeakable cruelty and sin, without feeling an ounce of remorse. If the course of my relationship with him was captured on camera, everyone in movie theaters would have been in tears by end credits. What he did to me was one of the worst betrayals a person could ever feel.

Abandonment. I experienced it twice in my life in the worst ways possible. It hurts when you sacrifice your happiness and aspirations for someone you love, only to find out that everything you believed was true, was a lie. The purity of that love that had taken root inside you, only blinded you from seeing the ugly truth. And once that blindfold is finally removed, the crystal vase containing all your hopes and dreams with that person, breaks. It shatters into tiny little shards. You desperately try to piece it all back together, but every piece you touch cuts you. Thus, wounding you more, leaving you incapable to undo the damage. I carried these shards with me in my pockets, occasionally reaching in to feel the pain, only during times when the numbness made me feel anything but human. The excruciating sting, the recollection of the pain that I deliberately remembered was just a way to remind me that I could still feel. Even if it was only sadness. At least that was a human emotion.

Heartbreak hurts. Just because you survive doesn’t mean your spirit lives. I always imagined love and relationships like a tree. When someone you love breaks your heart, your tree of life no longer grows and prospers through the rejuvenating seasons of spring and summer. The leaves change color through a temporary autumn, until they fall and die through an eternal state of winter. Your tree of life is now barren. Dead. Lifeless, just like your heart that has withered away to nothingness, leaving you hollow, cold, and empty. That is what the fatal ex did to me. Winter came and winter stayed, until Ian.

“I want to kiss you,” he said to me, switching glances from my eyes to my lips. 

“What’s stopping you?” I whispered, desperately needing him to make the first move.

“I don’t do one night stands, not with you.”

I smiled, remembering our very first conversation. “Me neither.” My breathing slowed, as he held the side of my face and brought his lips closer.

“Lexi, I swear to God if I kiss you, it’s goin’ to lead to the bedroom. So please, I beg you, if you want to pick the most convenient moment to push me away, now’s it. Otherwise,” he paused, our mouths almost making contact. “I won’t…” he kissed me softly, “be able to…” His lips caressed mine once more. “Stop.”

I could no longer stand idle, as everything in my body signaled to reciprocate his affection. My fingers became confident, sliding up the nape of his neck, tangling through his light brown hair.

“Don’t stop,” I uttered, finally colliding my lips against his.

I kissed him deeply with equal fervor, if not more. All that pent up sexual tension was finally running wild like rapid river currents. The seasons were changing, fast forwarding at sonic speed, as I envisioned my lifeless tree growing and standing tall. Pink cherry blossoms burst into full bloom, as a gentle spring breeze blew them away off the branches. I stood over a bed of lush, green grass that was covered in pink petals, and Ian was with me. He kissed me passionately, never withdrawing for breath, as the sky went through a series of transitions; a moonlit night to a powerful sunrise, a breathtaking sunset to a blanket of stars that were illuminating the darkness. It was as if nature was rejoicing a rebirth. My tree of life was finally alive again; revitalized. I wasn’t empty, I wasn’t cold, and I wasn’t alone. Winter had passed, at long last.