“It’s not fair,” Nova mumbles into the lip of the whiskey bottle as her tongue seduces out the last drop, wanting more of that burn. Her eyes are hazy from a blend of the liquor and grass she's been consuming from sunrise to sunset for the last four days. 

Her chest is tightening, making it hard to breathe like she's drowning in a sea of barbed wire. That's the only way she knows how to explain it. Every breath constricting the wire, stabbing the tiny razor blades into her heart. “It’s not fucking fair!”   

The bottle catches the passenger side window of the vintage Chevy, causing it to shatter as the bottle tumbles to the floorboard. Shards of glass scatter across the seat; a cold reminder of what Nova’s life has become. 

Looking back to the road, the blur of broken-yellow lines stick out against the asphalt. Trees line the narrow edge, giving way to the speckled black-velvet backdrop. Wind rushes through the broken window and bites at the tears flooding her eyes, the feeling only intensifying the dizzy spell washing over her. 

In the windshield, Nova sees a reflection. She knows it's not real, a memory of her frozen in the glass from another time. This time it sears into her mind. “Mil… “ In desperation, she reaches out, hoping her love is really there, wanting one more feel of the warmth she brought. But she’s only met with the sharp corners of broken glass against the palm of her hand. “...come back.” 

Nova’s nails rake against the cloth, collecting it as she makes a fist. Her foot presses harder on the gas as that sting finally pierces the flesh. 

Her savage scream echoes through the blaring music that threatens to blow the speakers. In her ears, a deafening tone rings as the wind groans right back through the shattered window.

Slowly slipping into a personal hurricane her mind is creating, numbness washes over as her face and limbs grow taut. Knuckles white against the black steering wheel while she fights to catch her increasingly shallow and rapid breath.

“I can’t,” she starts stammering over and over. “I can’t, I can’t.” Unable to stop. “I can’t I can’t.”

The barbs tangle deeper, squeezing out any hope Nova has left, leaving her with hot tears of rage down her cheek. She feels another heart-wrenching outcry bubble to the surface, but before her raspy voice hits the air, a delicate, ‘Breathe baby.’ floats in on the howling wind.

“Millie?” Nova’s mind snaps out of the carousel of misery to reach out and turn the music down. Listening with great intent she stares at the empty seat starting to think. ‘I’m losing my mi-.’

Before she can finish her thought another whispered breath shakes her. ‘The road, baby. Focus.’

She snaps her attention back, only to catch a sight she never thought possible. Millie. There in the middle of the road, smiling and wearing one of Nova’s white button-down shirts draped open. The blood drains from Nova’s face and she tries to process the image, but within a blink, it changes as it’s lit by her headlights. A white wolf standing in the center of the road. 

Nova’s foot hits the breaks as she tries to swerve not wanting to hit the animal. The wheels screech across the asphalt as the car fishtails out of control, eventually slamming into a massive tree. The force snaps her towards the passenger side then whiplashing back, hitting her head on the driver’s side window. 

The seat belt locks and the nylon digs in, tearing the breath from her lungs while clutching her in place. Her head slumps forward, feeling the coppery taste graze over her tongue as she fights to regain her air, absent-mindedly undoing the belt. 

Her door swings open, and she stumbles from the vehicle, now a mangled wreck. Music still shrieks from one speaker as the engine hisses along. Bracing herself on the door, she slips falling to one knee, still confused, trying to call out but her voice is raspy and soft. “Mil-.” 

Struggling, she pulls herself to her feet and looks at the damaged truck which is no longer driveable. The mix of emotions and pain running through her are teetering on the edge of an explosion.

Her fingers rake through her hair and she can feel the sting of new wounds. Pulling in a lung full of air, Nova holds it in as long as she can before bending at the waist, wanting to expel this rage. Nothing but silence, until her body forces the breath out in an untamed, agonizing cry that burns through her throat. 

She covers her ears as it reverberates back even louder. The harder she presses the heels of her palms against them, the more the stillness starts to seep in. But it’s the quiet that haunts her, opening her mind to fill with words that were once whispered against her neck. She takes a few more deep breaths trying, needing to silence the silence inside her head. 

Looking up at the stars, more memories flicker past, bringing her to the brink.

“Fuck.” 

The reticence only gets worse and her clothes start to feel like their constricting. “Fuck.” Nova pulls at her hoodie in a panic, trying to rid herself of the barbwire once again taking hold. “FUCK!” She throws it to the ground and kicks the driver's side door closed.   

The force pulls the side-view mirror from its already weakened perch, leaving it to cling to the twisted remains of her truck; of her life. She watches as it sways back and forth, flashing her own reflection through cracked glass. Just before it falls to the ground, a silhouette of a woman appears behind her in the distorted image. 

Clouds were starting to part, giving way to the full moon on this still night. She spins around but nothing's there, so she scans the tree line looking for movement, anything to explain what that was. 

“I just found you,” she speaks to the night slowly turning in a circle. “I can’t do this… damn it, not without you.” Her eyes lower to the ground and her body begins to feel the weight of a whirlwind of memories, consuming her. “We promised each other forever.” Her knees quiver as gravity threatens to pull her to the ground, but a feeling suddenly passes through her, drawing her attention upward.

Nothing.

Off in the distance, something fast and white catches in her peripheral vision moving away. The memory of what she saw on the road floods to the front of her foggy mind. 

“Wait.” Her voice gruff, Nova turns in the direction of the shadow that’s fading deeper into the trees. “Please don’t go.” 

Nova takes off into the trees, trying desperately not to lose sight, ‘It had to be.’ Her mind races while her eyes scan between the trees. Still running, her feet pound the ground as hard as her heart beats against her chest. She sees it once again. “Millie?” 

Its shadow slips behind a tree and Nova sees the tail of a white shirt. She continues her chase passing by more trees until she spots it again. Standing in the distance was the white wolf, but in Nova’s mind, she only sees Millie still in her white button-up, wearing that smile. 

The wolf takes off again, picking up its speed, seeming to lead her further in. 

Trees become thicker as she chases deeper into the woods. “Millie!” The sight of the white blur is lost and Nova’s head begins to spin. Branches scratch at her fabric and flesh, tearing holes and drawing pencil-thin lines of blood, but her feet never stop moving.

“Millie!” Her heart pounds in her chest and her lungs burn as everything starts to look the same. A moment of panic washes over Nova stripping away her focus. The tip of her boot catches on a root hidden under the leaves causing her to tumble down a small ravine.

The trees rush by in slow motion; a hesitated blur as she tumbles head over foot. Her body snaps dry branches off their hosts. They snatch hold of her shirt, leaving new trails of warmth along her skin. 

As she reaches the bottom of the decline her ribs connect with a small overhang. The air once again being pulled from her core. Her physical pain, for a brief moment, outweighs the emotional. Curled up on her side she sucks in unsteady gasps and her surroundings become fuzzy. Her vision begins to fade as she sees white paws walking in front of her. 

Then everything goes black

~*~

“You poor thing, you’re in so much pain.”

Nova blinks her eyes slowly, waking up every ache in her body. Her cheek lays in the cold mud, just another reminder of her empty heart. The familiar touch of warm fingers run through her hair. She rolls to her back and her eyes try to focus while her mind attempts to register the situation. 

"Millie?" her voice raw, scratchy.

The woman doesn't answer, only lifts a waterskin to Nova’s lips, “Shh, drink this.” 

The liquid was warm against Nova’s parched lips and the taste was far from pleasant. She turns to the side coughing and catches her first glimpse of a woman cloaked in a hooded robe kneeling beside her. “You’re not her.” 

“Of course I’m not. Drink, it will help.”  

“I don’t need your help.” Nova struggles, pulling herself to the nearby tree stump to lean against it.  

“Stop moving and rest, you’re going to hurt yourself even more.”

“Who cares.” 

“I care.” 

“You’re no one, probably some hallucination my mind came up with to deal with the shock.” 

“If I was just a hallucination, wouldn’t I be Millie?” The woman sits back on her heels and looks at Nova with sadness.

“Then you probably live out here, is it far?” Nova catches a glimpse of the woman's expression. “Don’t look at me like that, I'm fine. However, I do think I’ll be needing a tow truck.” Nova tries to pull herself up to stand, but a new pain shoots across her side causing her to meet with the ground once again. “Fuck.” Her fist pounds against the dirt. 

The woman moves to Nova to help her back up, offering the waterskin once more. 

“I said I don’t need your help.” But the desert on her tongue and the fire in her throat win, she reluctantly takes it from the woman and slowly sips. “What is this? Who are you?”   

“When you are able to see clearly, you will know who I am. Until then, you may call me Gaia.”

“I must be blind then because I can see you and you seem just like me, but with that pity in your eyes.” 

“It is not pity that you see.”

“No? You don’t ‘pity the fool’ who had everything and then lost it.” Nova smirks at the unintentional line remembering the soft chuckle Millie would do if she had heard it. The memory only serves as a reminder of her current state. “Everyone else does.” 

“It’s one of deep sorrow.” 

“Don’t waste your empathy on someone like me.” Taking another sip, almost craving the gross swill now. “What is this?”

“Water.” 

“This isn't water.” 

“If it is bitter, it is because the water  tastes reflective of the darkness that eats at you…” Gaia  moves closer and gently brushes Nova’s cheek, “...until you let your light out.”

She pulls back, not because she's unsure of the woman, but because of the calm and comfort, she seems to bring the closer she gets. It’s a familiar one to Nova, and it feels wrong to sense it with someone else.

“I’m not going to hurt you, Nova.” 

“I’m already broken,” Nova snaps, almost feral-like, trapped as the memories of Millie start to flood back in. 

“You need to quiet your heart, the emptiness is too loud.” 

“I’m fine.” 

“You’re not fine, your injuries go a lot deeper than the cuts on your flesh.” Gaia reaches out and takes Nova’s hand. “You’re fractured, not whole anymore.” She then brings it to her own chest. “I can feel it, it hurts me too.” 

“You have no idea how this feels.” She pulls her hand away, ashamed at herself for feeling that hint of lost warmth when they touched.

“I feel the loss of all my children.” Most of the woman's face is shrouded in the shadow of her hood, but just as she turns her head, the line of light shining through the gap in the trees catches a single tear. Nova watches it, mesmerized when she sees more, waterfalls cascading from oceans and into rivers as it rolls down in a delicate line, falling to the forest floor.  

She stares at the woman with a puzzled look on her face, what she just witnessed, what she just felt as those words left her lips. For a brief moment, it is as if Nova identifies with the woman’s grief.

“What was… I don’t understand,” Nova whispers. 

The woman pulls back her hood, finally revealing herself. Her rich chestnut hair is wavy, wild with feathers the colours of the sunset; golden and scarlet with hints of violet, laced throughout. 

“You will.”

Her eyes two different colours; one as green as the deepest of forests, and the other as blue as the ocean. Nova stares into her eyes and sees trees swaying in the wind, and waves of deep blue flowing into a baby blue as it settles.

Nova’s mind begins to struggle with what she knows to be real and what she’s seeing in front of her. She brings her fingertips up to the ache on the side of her head, hissing when she finds it and quickly wonders, ‘I’m I... Dea-’

“No, honey. You’re alive, just...” The woman sighs her last words, “...suffering.” She takes the water and pours some over the piece of fabric she ripped off her cloak. 

Nova doesn’t respond as the questions start to pile up. She just stares off into the trees while the woman brings the cool cloth to her forehead and starts wiping away a mix of dirt and blood. 

“Light, Nova, an essence that every living thing is born with, even myself.” 

“What do you mean?” Nova looks into the woman's eyes once again, searching for some kind of answer.

“You see, we all come from stars,” Gaia places her hand against her chest and Nova gasps as a wave of comfort only felt with Millie rushes through her. “That stardust is woven into the very fibre of what makes you, you.” 

“So what? What does that have to do with her?” That feeling of helplessness shoots through her followed by the need to run from it. She tries to bring herself to her feet, but she barely makes it halfway up before pain and defeat slump her back down on the stump.”She's gone, never coming back and I'm stuck here... Alone,” her voice trails. 

“When a star falls,” The woman reaches up, seamlessly plucking a star from the night sky.  “It breaks into pieces and the wind scatters it across the world, gifting light, giving life.” She lets Nova see the small light rest on her palm and then she cups her other hand over.

“Sometimes it breaks into many pieces; dust.” Creating a small gap between her thumbs, a dozen tiny fireflies disperse and dance in the night sky. “These people connect deeply with many others that they are drawn to.” She releases four more that are a bit bigger. “There are also the stars that break in only a few pieces.” Nova notices their light is brighter. “Their bonds thicker, the connection deeper.”  

“If you're trying to tell me there is another out there for me, someone else that will fill this giant hole inside me. I’m going to tell you to fuck off.” The memories are accelerating inside her head and her breathing turns shallow.

“Breathe, Nova.” Nova sighs and looks back to the woman's hand, still closed. “There is one more type of star. A star so rare it's almost unheard of.” She opens her closed fist.

Nova watches as two fireflies sit on the women's open palm, they are brighter than the rest.

“This star falls from far beyond our universe, only forced to break in two when they enter our world.” She covers one firefly and takes it off her palm. The remaining one’s light dims.“They always feel a sense of loss. It's numbness, like a missing puzzle piece.

“All your life you were comfortable being a lone wolf, comfortable with that feeling of numbness.” She uncovers the second light and Nova watches them illuminate when brought back together. “Then, Millie, her light aligned with yours, made you whole. You and her are the purest of them all and it was taken far too soon. It’s why you feel so restless, why you can’t stop searching for her.”

The fireflies dance together into the night as if choreographed by every passing memory of their love and rejoining the stars above.

“She is… She was my light.” Her chin drops to her chest as the realization of a lifetime of emptiness weighs on her. The barbs once again trying to clamp down. “Now nothing feels right, nothing will ever feel right.” Her elbows come to her knees as she drops her head in her hands. “She’s really gone.”  

“But she’s not lost, Nova. Her body may be gone, but that light, her light, it never dies, it’s only reborn.“ The woman looks to the trees at the white wolf standing just beyond the light of the moon. “She waits for you and I can help you get to her.” 

“No you won’t,” Nova’s voice is on the verge of cracking in frustration. She lifts her head to the woman now kneeling in front of her. That wave of grief hitting once again as she begins to realize who this woman is, more than some stranger in the forest. “If you didn-” her breath shuddering, “If you knew...” 

Gaia listens intently as her hands gently slide over Nova’s, knowing she needs to get through the eye of the storm. Knowing she needs to feel the break before the light can be set free.  

“Why did you take her from me?” Tears begin to spill as the sheer nothingness takes hold. Consuming her with all the things she never got to say, all of what was and could have been. The pain she's tried to push down, the ache she swallows every day, refusing to relieve the grief. 

Nova's chin quivers as she begins to crack; on the verge of hyperventilating. Her anguish pours out of her, no longer able to contain it.

“Oh, Nova.” The woman holds her hands and slides upon Nova’s lap. “I am in tune with the universe, but I do not control the stars above.” She places Nova’s hands on her bare thighs as the cloak rides up further. Taking her own, she cradles her face. “I am just a branch that connects to something much bigger.  

“This is why I am here, to guide you back to her.” brushing Nova’s hair from her face, Gaia trails her finger down her cheek before leaning in, pressing her lips to Novas. 

Her kiss sent a breath of life throughout Nova, soothing all her open wounds, giving her a brief moment of solace. 

“That’s it,” Gaia’s lips still brushing against hers. The taste of sugar honey lingers; Millie’s favourite lip gloss and sense of comfort and familiarity floods through Nova. “Calm that storm inside of you.” The woman brings the water-skin back up.

Nova’s expecting filth but is met with a crisp, cool liquid. She grasps it from the woman and takes in as much as she can. As she does this, Gaia unties the cloak and slips it off her shoulders, letting it fall to the ground. 

The moonlight gives her a clear view of the woman straddling her lap. The lustrous tones of the feathers laced in her hair pop against her sandy complexion, smooth and tawny. Nova stares, following her birthmarks, taking notice of how they connect like constellations. They weave through her tattoos that seem to be sketched across her flesh with a quill. A loincloth draped around her waist offering the only cover.

“Focus on Millie,” Gaia whispers. 

Nova works her eyes back up, taking in the detail of each animal inked, curiously running a finger over the stars Gaia’s body wears. When her eyes meet the woman’s, she realizes they are now golden honey, Millie’s eyes.

Losing herself in the liquid warmth, she watches those flecks of hazelnut cause those golden highlights. They hold that innocence under a lustrous wild that was Millie.  

“I must warn you, Nova, for me to bring you to her, there is a cost.” 

“What cost?” 

“What your light resides in.” The woman slides her hand along Nova’s chest, pressing it over her racing heart. “The cost of life as you know it, it can never be the same.” 

“I’ll give anything… Everythi-… “

Gaia presses her forehead against Nova’s as her hand slides up along her neck and then into her hair. “Open yourself. Open yourself to Millie.” 

Nova feels something slide over her boot then slips under her pant leg, but at Gaia’s touch, any hesitation she feels slowly slips away. Instead, a familiar sense of butterflies starts to flitter low in her core.  

Roots start to rise from the withered stump and work their way up Nova’s leg. They find the tears in the fabric and finish the job, seamlessly pulling the material away from her body piece by piece. 

Goosebumps cover Nova’s flesh as what feels like foreign fingers leave her sitting on the stump naked and exposed. Gaia pushes her hips down letting her know no fabric separates them. 

Skin on skin, heat against heat, Nova leans in and kisses the woman.  

There was no coarse texture as the branches serpentine along her skin. Searching for the very scratches and cuts they tore earlier as she ran through the forest. Then a pinch; like small splinters pierce when they locate each, hitching Nova’s breath. 

She lets out a sigh that flutters across the breeze as a torrent of rapture builds below the surface.  

 “Just breathe through me. Feel me.” 

The very essence of nature converges into Nova’s bloodstream, feeling the rhythm that passes between every living thing. A tangible bond, blending with a melody beyond any range other than her own.

Embracing the wave of bliss, Nova sinks deeper into the moment and inhales that sweet scent now lingering in the air. She sees Millie, feels her straddling her lap, and that smile. The memory is engraved in her mind. 

Their gaze locked, each soft flicker of their eyes pulling back layers and diving deeper into each other. These emotions were always unexplored, raw. Now expressed it leaves them open, exposed with vulnerability. Not only with their minds, but their body. Awaking a new profound, fervent intimacy. Real. Nothing else existed, nothing of matter or substance beyond their warmth. 

The branches slide along her calves then behind her knees, spreading her wider as she opens her eyes to find Gaia’s closed. She continues to grind down, rolling her hips and moving her lips as if singing a song in tune with the beat of nature. 

The ink embedded on her body comes alive, seemingly born of her flesh, it's its own living breathing entity. Each animal shakes off its stillness, the wolf throws its head back. It bounds across her stomach only to fade around to her back. 

She blinks and time seems to stop, bringing her back to Millie and their first time together. They moved as one, slow, deliberate, and barely touching, yet everything was felt with such intensity. Each brush of skin against skin made the need to touch anymore obsolete. A sensation neither had felt before.

Nova can feel the tiny vines beneath her skin, weaving around her nerves and setting them ablaze, blending perfectly with her memories of Millie. Twigs caress as they move along her inner thighs, zigzagging along the divots as they trail the wave of goosebumps. 

A stifled moan slips through her lips as she opens her eyes. Looking between her and the woman, she watches as the branches move smoothly over her heated core building that rising crescendo. 

Gaia lifts her arms and her fingers comb through her hair. The wolf once again shows itself under her breast then stalks its way over her areola, only to disappear out of view pacing along her ribs.

Whispered words sing out through the trees, calling her to let go. They vibrate throughout the earth, through the very shoots that entangle with every fibre, a thread for her follow. 

The wolf rounds over Gaia’s shoulder, hesitating, anticipating as if the light from Nova is drawing it in, coaxing it closer. 

Nova reaches forward, but the roots take hold of her wrists, intertwining with her fingers then back up around her forearms. They pull her arms back, bringing her to when Millie held her hands, preventing her from touching, letting the urgency take over as it does now. 

Gaia rolls her hips with absolute control, her entirety in constant motion, seamlessly blending the blur of Millie and herself. Her body starts to illuminate from within and outwards as the rest of the animals stitched into her skin grow restless.     

The branches secure her body down like an anchor, gracefully arching Nova's back as the woman places her hand on her chest. The moment they connect the wolf sprints along Gaia’s arm. As it gets closer, the primal hunger grows inside Nova, threatening to pour out of her.

Just like the tiniest flutter of butterfly wings causes hurricanes, the satiny grip of the roots travel along her spine and eases her heart, freeing her mind. Opening her to that inevitable stillness as the ferocity of heat against heat begins spilling out, rippling over her, radiating throughout.

Her head falls back and she looks to the stars, only to see a light, not coming for her but coming from her. 

A distant howl cuts through the night, only to be answered by another after Nova’s last word slips softly from between her lips. “Milli…” 

~*~

Mother Nature traces her fingers along the rigid patterns of the bark as she watches two wolves running off in the distance. One stops at the crest of a hill. It looks back and they make eye contact.

“Go, my child, you’ve found your light, now free your wild.”