Miss You

I really miss you.

The way we met was unusual. Online. I tried so hard to ignore you but you wouldn't give up. First a message in my inbox daily left with no reply, then comments on every single picture I posted. With no second thought I would look past it. I looked one day to see four messages, each one reading something sweet and seductive.

"Hey beautiful, why are you not replying? I think about you every day. Please give me a chance."

Another week went by, four messages every day. One at 11:00AM, one at 4:00PM, another at 8:00PM and finally, "Goodnight Princess. I will be dreaming of you." 1:00AM.

For three weeks I saw you but I didn't respond. I thought you were just another guy who was curious about a pretty face and nice curves so I ignored you.

I don't know what it was, perhaps the red wine I had in my system that night, but I finally replied.

10:23PM: "Hi Zach. I'm sorry for ignoring you but I really don't think I'm what you're looking for. Thanks for all the comments though! You're really sweet but I have a boyfriend."

My inbox flashed three minutes later with a reply from you. "I know you have a man but I can't stop thinking about you. I just want one chance, please."

I don't even remember how I gave in but the next thing I know, I'm missing you. I miss our late night conversations over the phone. I asked you, "Are you romantic?"

You answered, "Do you want me to be, baby?" That's the night I fell for you and agreed to a first date. You took me ice skating for the first time in my life. You held me the whole time as if you were afraid I would break into pieces.

You seemed to read the deepest thought in me with one glance. I used to wonder why you would watch my every move. I would look up to find you analyzing me with some kind of invisible sonar. Our first kiss was in your car. You didn't want to say goodbye. As soon as I tried to open the door, you pulled my arm and grabbed my face, kissing me deeply.

I walked to my door, head spinning and smiling to myself. It was official, I wanted you. Our first time was painful. You had warned me that you were big but I ignored it because I had never been with a white guy so I assumed you were just trying to win me over. I was so wrong. The screams I let out scared you. You paused to ask if I was okay and I forced a smile. It hurt so bad but I loved having you on top of me. I don't know what really happened after that.

It's been four years since I've seen or talked to you. Sometimes I want to email you to see how you're doing but I know it would open up a messy-ass can of worms. I'm married now and I love him to death. I love him but I love you still.

I miss you.

I miss your big, strong arms holding me tight in our few hours before leaving for work.

I miss your blue eyes looking down at me with that boyish smile.

I miss the way you bit your bottom lip when you wanted to make me nervous.

I miss how you would bug me in public in attempt to annoy me because you thought I was so cute when I was pissed.

I miss your text messages every morning saying, "Good morning Super Woman."

I miss actually falling asleep with you on the phone.

I miss your tanned skin against my brown curves.

I miss how you grabbed my ass to remind me that I'm yours.

I miss our long, dizzying kisses.

I miss making love so loudly that your pit bull would bark and scratch at the bedroom door.

I miss feeling safe with you.

I didn't know that when we ended it that I would never get over you. We argued and I walked away. I erased everything about you but somewhere inside me I want it all back. If you ever read this, I want to say that I'm sorry.

I hope you're happy. I hope you found your real Super Woman.