My girlfriend and I sometimes play a game when we are out and about and — well — bored. Do you remember the old Michael Jordan commercial for Hanes underwear? It opened with two women sitting on a park bench and as guys walked by they would identify if they were wearing boxers or briefs. MJ himself comes walking by and before either of the women can say anything, he says, "They're Hanes!"
Well, neither of us are interested in men's underwear, our little game involved whether or not we can tell if a woman's breasts are real or augmented. Some of them were so obvious it was ridiculously easy. I mean there was this one girl whose tits, and while I prefer the word 'breasts', in this case, 'tits' seems more appropriate. Well, her tits were so fake we were surprised she could stand upright and doubted the sun had seen her feet in years. It wasn't just the shape and size, but the way they moved when she walked. If she ran, I think she might give herself a concussion as if she ran into a wall. To give you a better idea, find an old wooden milk crate and glue it to your chest, now walk. That's what her chest looked like when she moved, a solid mass!
Now, we're not being mean or trying to embarrass anyone pointing out augmented breasts. This was more a little game of boredom for us. We've been cooped up due to COVID-19 and it's really made us — well, loopy might be the right word. We were almost desperate to get out, and when the pubs and shops started opening up a little, we were so thankful. So many places were still closed and shopping was even boring as hell with largely lacking crowds for people watching. So today we found ourselves sitting at the end of a local mall's food court resting our feet and sipping something cold. We fell into old habits after that one woman went by, the one I already mentioned, so we started playing our little game.
We most often agreed, so the score was pretty close. When we disagreed, one would try and justify their choice to the other, and often it was a convincing argument. Several factors tended to give away augmented breasts. First of all, an exaggerated size. You find very few breast augmentations that were for smaller breasts, and often they were oversized for the woman's frame. We usually called that 'clue number one'.
Clue two was their prominence, as in did they look like a shelf sticking straight out from the body. Of course, that might be have been the bra, but that sort of bra went out in the 1950s. Remember the pointed bra, also known as the bullet bra? I don't care how sexy it might have looked on a few women, when your chest sticks out in such an unnatural way nowadays, they are probably fake.
Clue three was movement. Unless you are in a sports bra, there is a natural movement to breasts, even in a regular bra. Natural breasts seem to flow gently as you moved. Fake breasts, especially inexpensive ones, seem to move as a unit, there is no suppleness in the motion. it was more like a ball moving up and down in a sock than a soft breast bouncing slightly.
We both knew that high-quality breasts, the really good ones, are impossible to tell from real ones by such movement. But we didn't live in Hollywood, but somewhat north of NYC and most of the ones we noticed were strictly cosmetic and hardly the super-expensive ones. There is also a category of augmented breasts done for professional reasons — especially ever since that one dancer won her suit to have her augments classified as a business expense for her taxes.
Well, as I said, once in a while we disagreed, and this is the story of what happened one time when we didn't. So, this girl goes by, I guess I should say woman, not girl. As she passed, my friend leaned over to me and said, "Real!"
