Latest Forum Posts:

Categories

You must be logged in to listen to audio stories.

HOW HUMANS DO IT: a fish-eye view of sex

At first, all the humans did was more of the mouth-to-mouth stuff, then the boat began to rock.


What the hell’s going on around here?

Bronson (the Big-Mouth Bass), having just stuck his head above the bayou's calm surface, now stared, even more dumbfounded than usual, at the new arrivals. Why had those two in that fancy fishing rig slipped past the screen of willow branches and tied up against the trunk? It was mid-day and too damn hot for any respectable fish to be feeding. Even the dumbest human must realize that.

He glanced up at his buds, Freddie (the Frog) and Pasquale (the Possum). They had stopped their eternal bitching about how humans were the only animals not required to have alliterative names. From their usual spot on the lowest limb of a nearby cypressand were silently studying this phenomenon.

No one ever said humans were smart, thought Bronson, but he hadn't gotten where he was by taking them for granted. Maybe the humans were going to fish for crappie. But that didn't seem likely. Even the dumb, if passionate, Paula (the Perch), wouldn't be nibbling in this heat, at least not on food.

Bronson was certain there could be no greater calling in life than to be a bass, especially a big bull bass. However, except for an occasional brief, and exhausting, leap out of water, being a bass meant your air-world viewing angles were limited. So he decided to slip over to the cypress and let Freddie and Pasquale fill in any action he might miss.

From his new vantage point among the cypress roots, he looked up at his two friends and asked for a report. "They're like, you know, feeding," said Pasquale. He'd spent time on a hippie commune and found the subject of human food very interesting.

"And drinking something in cans," added Freddie. "It looks like beer. The big guy's on his third. The little one with the floppy hat is still on number two."

Even from his low angle, Bronson had seen all that and was not impressed. In his opinion, watching mold grow would have been more exciting. "Is that all? You two long-winded, worthless excuses for friends are supposed to..."

His diatribe was interrupted by new activity on the boat. The smaller of the two humans had just removed the big floppy hat. With a shake of the head, a whole bunch of long dark hair came tumbling down. The long-haired human then turned and gave the big one a smile that, to Bronson, seemed to make the water even hotter.

There was no doubt, the one with long hair was most definitely a female-type human. And what a female. Even Bronson, who looked upon all air-breathers with a certain disdain, was impressed.

The female's smile got even bigger when the big male moved up and sat beside her in the middle of the boat. No one at the cypress could believe what happened next. The humans began making like sucker fish, going mouth-to-mouth while the male messed with her top.

When their mouths finally parted, the female gave the male a look that made Bronson's tail curl, and removed the shirt. The male seemed to like what was underneath. At first he had his hands all over two bumps he'd spotted. Then he leaned over and did something like the mouth-to-mouth thing, but on them. Judging by the look on her face, the female seemed to enjoy all this.

"Psst. Hey, Bronson." It was Pasquale.

"Yeah, what is it?" Not wanting to miss any of this odd behavior by humans, he hated to look away.

"You won't believe what else that dude's up to."

"Wadda you mean?" This time Bronson's curiosity got the better of him and he looked up. Pasquale was hanging by his tail. That wasn't so unusual considering his species. But on his face was a grin unlike any ever seen on a possum. His forepaws were busy doing something Bronson felt certain he didn't want to know about.

"Pasquale, what in the name of Moby Dick are you talking about?"

The possum continued watching for a moment, then he glanced down. "Man, that dude is like some kid unwrapping a birthday present. Check it out."

Bronson looked back. The female was standing while the male shucked off her pants. The boat rocked a bit. But she put her hands on his shoulders and they did more of that mouth-to-mouth action until things settled down.

There wasn't a whole lot of the female, but what there was seemed to please the male. And Bronson had to admit, she did have a certain slender, symmetrical appeal.

It came as another surprise when she lowered herself in front of the male. After some more mouth-to-mouth, her head vanished from Bronson's view. "What's going on, you two? I can't see a damn thing but that shit-eating grin on his face."

"Well," Freddie paused to clear his throat, a nervous habit endemic to his species, then started again. "Well, not much, really, she's just doing something with her hands. No, wait. Now she's holding this thing. I swear, it looks like an albino snake."

Bronson sensed he was being given the business. "Bullshit."

"No shit," insisted Freddie. "She's doing something to it with her hands and it's gotten bigger. What the...? Okay, I'm not making this up, I promise. But she just bent over and slid that snake-looking thing into her head."

He looked down at Bronson. "You think this is like some Praying Mantis deal? You know, the female eating the male? Damn, I hope not. That's one bug that creeps me out."

"How the hell should I know? One less fisherman is fine by me — cuts pollution and the number of hooks. But what's happening now?"

"Well, it doesn't look like she's having him for lunch, after all. I mean, she's bobbing, her head up-and-down. And when she's up, you can still see whatever it is, only now it looks all wet and shiny."

None of this made any sense to Bronson, who prided himself on his knowledge of human behavior. In the bayou, it could make the difference between living another day and becoming a fillet. "Pasquale, is Freddie making this shit up?"

There was no answer. Bronson steeled himself and looked upward once more. Freddie was sprawled across the limb with his eyes bulging and his tongue hanging out. It would have been a pitiful sight under any circumstance, but it was especially so when the tongue in question belonged to a frog.

Bronson felt a bit embarrassed and looked over at Pasquale. The possum's paws were moving even faster and his grin was, if possible, even bigger. "Pasquale, you pervert! What's going on in the boat? I can't see a thing except the male, and I'm tired of looking at his stupid grin."

"Easy there, Brother Bass. It's just like old Freddie told you. Mellow out and go with stroke, so to speak. Oh, yes."

"Hey, you guys," Freddie croaked. "Look, now."

There was no question where they should look. Bronson turned toward the boat. The female was standing with her hands on the male's shoulders. With slow, careful movements, she straddled him and then eased down over the snake, which by now was more pink than white. It soon vanished from sight and they were sitting face-to-face.

At first, all the humans did was more of the mouth-to-mouth stuff. When the boat became still, the female began making small, up-and-down movements. The boat again started rocking, but soon the female's motions and those of the boat were in a sort of harmony.

"I don't know what they're doing," said Freddie, "but I do like the show."

Pasquale groaned his agreement.

Bronson had to admit the two in the boat looked like the happiest humans he'd ever seen out fishing. The female was leaning back and seemed to be looking for something up in the limbs of the willow tree. Her long hair swayed in rhythm with the other movements. Meanwhile, the male was doing a mouth-to-mouth type thing on one of her bumps.

"Hey there, you big bass. What's happening?" The unexpected greeting startled Bronson. It was Paula (the Perch), who was looking great.

"Uh, hi, Paula, just trying to figure out what those humans on the boat are doing. Thought it might be important. I mean, you can't learn too much about them." Why did he feel like a fingerling watching all the action during spawning season?

A loud groan and a louder screech came from the boat. The male and female were holding each other close and shaking. But they didn't seem to be in pain. In fact, they looked very happy.

Paula brushed up against him. "Oh, I know all about that. I was spawned in a lake near a college campus, remember? It's the way humans, you know, do it."

"Do, it?"

"Sure," she languidly stroked his side with a pliant fin, "you know...it."

"Oh, IT. Of course. So, what do you say about a little demonstration?"

"Since we're not air-breathers, that'd be a real challenge, silly. But come with me and I'll try to give you the idea."

As they began to swim away, Freddie managed to ask, "Where you two going?"

"Off to do a little research on how humans do it," said Bronson, before slipping beneath the surface and following Paula toward an especially cool, secluded nook.

"Fin-tastic," said Pasquale. His paws now hung limply at his side. The grin on his face bore a surprising resemblance to that of the male on the boat. "That's fin-fucking-tastic."

This story is protected by International Copyright Law, by the author, all rights reserved. If found posted anywhere other than Lushstories.com with this note attached, it has been posted without my permission.

To link to this sex story from your site - please use the following code:

<a href="http://www.lushstories.com/stories/voyeur/how-humans-do-it-a-fisheye-view-of-sex.aspx">HOW HUMANS DO IT: a fish-eye view of sex</a>

Report offensive post

Comments(25)

biggym
Posted 25 Feb 2014 14:10
Excellent read. Thanks. Waiting for the movie.
elizabethblack
Posted 25 Sep 2013 08:01
I'm surprised Pixar Studios has not contacted you for the rights to this wonderfully amusing story. Extremely well done. Thank you.

CurlyGirly
Posted 03 Feb 2013 09:28
I have to agree fin-fucking-tastic! What a unique story. Well done. Thanks for the smile!

This goes to show, if you pimp your stories out in your forum sig, they will come!
Isca
Posted 11 Jan 2013 13:13
I am grinning ear to ear right now

Naughtygrl73
Posted 07 Oct 2012 19:55
What a great giggle of a read!
Now I'm wondering exactly how private some of my interludes really were

Milik_Redman
Posted 15 Sep 2012 04:43
That was great! What a unique take on humorous erotica! Well done Rumple! I'm surprised it's taken me this long to read this.

T_Elle
Posted 18 Jun 2012 18:49
I've seen your posts in the forums so many times, so I decided to have a read of you... and I LOVED THIS!!! Loved the ending, too.
sugarbabe
Posted 11 Apr 2012 10:13
Rumple, Rumple, Rumple. My what a delightful rendition of a erotic sexual encounter! All wet and shiny and then pink to boot. Reminds me of a few boating adventures I have been on. I'm wondering now if the walleye had a fish eye view of them! excellent story, enjoyed it immensely.

Shylass
Posted 16 Feb 2012 15:57
I LOVELOVELOVE THIS! I'd like to see some illustrations, please!
scooter
Posted 11 Nov 2011 05:17
Good one Mr Rump. Sex education at it's finest. I enjoyed the antics of Pasquale (the possum)
ToXiCFuN84
Posted 31 Aug 2011 18:36
I absolutely love this!! very creative!!

naughtynurse
Posted 16 Aug 2011 11:10
LOl, love it! sex is sex, but tell me a story too!
Iszofia
Posted 15 Feb 2011 17:56
LOL, loved it!
Truly
Posted 14 Jan 2011 15:28
very amusing story...loved the different perspective
Reprehensiballs
Posted 29 Sep 2010 03:18
Spotted this one on one of your forum posts. Very funny.
magnificent1rascal
Posted 10 Sep 2010 17:49
I enjoyed this, and it's not often you'll come across a story here with 'bass,' 'perch,' 'frogs' and 'possums' in the tags. Very clever!
Eeyore123
Posted 01 Aug 2010 05:47
Hillarious!!!! I love it!!!! Keep em comming!!!
Toryn
Posted 19 Feb 2010 11:36
LOVE it! creative and a good laugh

RumpleForeskin
Posted 19 Feb 2010 07:59
My thanks to everyone for all the feedback. I wasn't sure how this would go over, so your input was even more appreciated than usual.

Rumple
Algol
Posted 17 Feb 2010 07:21
very funny, great job!

stephanie
Posted 16 Feb 2010 07:05
Very Original, very well written and very funny, so that's a 'V' I guess!!! (You should send this to Hef's people in Chicago, they'd print it!)

DirtyMartini
Posted 15 Feb 2010 16:15
I love that motto "the difference between living another day and becoming a fillet"...I could see a fish wearing that on a T-shirt...OK, maybe not...
iceman
Posted 15 Feb 2010 15:33
I love it! I got laughing so hard the neighbors came over to see what all the commotion was about. I let them read and then it really busted out! I grabbed a girl and headed for the bedroom for some "spawning" education! LOL..........
ejls
Posted 15 Feb 2010 14:15
So creative - not exactly what I might find in the children's section at Barnes & Noble. A great perspective.
paintslim
Posted 15 Feb 2010 12:09
very nice indeed ;p loved it!
 

Post a Comment (max 500 characters):

 

Tell us why

Please tell us why you think this story should be removed.

Reason