CHAPTER 15:

The meeting between the Traynors and the Pollards would have to have been described by an observer as business-like. But, that said, it was fruitful.

“Yes, Captain. I have offered him jobs and things and all of it. And, I still stand ready to help the man. But . . .”

“But because of some of the things you mentioned here today he refuses to take anything from you? That about it?” said Captain Traynor.

“Yes, in a nutshell, yes,” he said.

“Captain, if I may,” said Claire. “I know that you folks sometimes hire people to work in your stores and such. Is that not so?”

“Yes, that’s true,” he said.

“Missus Pollard,” said Dora Traynor, “if you’re asking if we could hire Mister Clausen, the answer is yes. But, we don’t have any full time positions that a man with the limitations of Mister Clausen could perform. We do have an opening, and it is minimum wage, working in record keeping and some related activities that we could use him in. Do you think he would be interested in something like that?”

“I believe he would, Missus Traynor,” said Claire.

“I’m a captain too for the record Missus Pollard. In the Army the wife is always the same rank as her husband,” she said.

“As a matter of fact,” interjected Captain Traynor, “she bosses me a round pretty regularly.” Everyone laughed.

Rebecca hadn’t uttered a word during the meeting but she had been a very interested spectator. She spoke now.

“Captain,” she said, “my dad is very sad. He’s sad all of the time. I think he would love a job working for you. He’s mentioned to me that he wants to get a better place, but that he can’t afford one just yet. Maybe a job with you would fix that for him.”

The adults in the room were surprised by the apparent wisdom of the youngest among them.

“Well, in that case, Rebecca, I will make the offer to your dad as soon as next I see him. One thing though. If he is living in Littleton, it’ll be a couple of weeks before I have a chance to do so. I only get down there once a month. Okay?” he said. “The good news is the job that my wife mentioned can be done from anywhere; he doesn’t have to be here in the Valley.”

The five of them talked for a little longer and shared some tea before the Pollards left.

******

“Mister Clausen,” said Captain Traynor.

“Yes sir,” I said, as I was leaving the little auditorium to go home. The van was waiting for me.

“Might I have a word with you for a moment,” he said.

“Okay,” I said.

“Mister Clausen, I know things must be hard for you being in the situation you’re in. We have a part time job opening that I would like to offer you. I mean if you’d be interested,” said the captain.

“Well, I, I mean do you think I could do it?” I said. “I mean . . .”

“Yes, I do,” he said. “Mister Clausen the Army hires people with disabilities and other problems all of the time. It’s what we’re about. I would ask that you become an official adherent of our faith, however, if you accept the job. Is that something you think you could do?”

“Well, I think so,” I said. “What would I have to do?”

“Well, accept Jesus as your savior and act in accordance with biblical mandates. That’s pretty much it. There would be some learning on that score involved. My wife and myself could see to that part of it,” he said.

“Well okay,” I said. “I have tried a bit to get a job, but . . .”

“Your limitations,” he said. I nodded. “The job would require some bookkeeping and related duties. Nothing you couldn’t handle,” he said.

“Mister Clausen, we have people with worse limitations and worse problems than yours I assure you. One of my main assistants in the Valley spent thirty years in prison; he’s a major success story for us. He’s even given talks to groups of young men and women who have had social , not unlike his own.

“You joining our group will work for you Mister Clausen, and we will work together with you to help you live well,” he said.

“You’ve convinced me,” I said. “When can I start?”

The Captain and I talked a while longer and I found out more about the job I’d be doing and some of the church rules that I would be expected to follow. I wasn’t sure about all of the bible stuff; I’d never read the bible, didn’t have one, and hoped that I could measure up over time. The Captain assured me that I could and would. Well, we’d be seeing.

At any rate,I finally had a job. I could maybe save a little now and get me a truck that I could fix up to accommodate my situation. Well, that was the hope. The job with my disability would make things at least a little more tolerable for me. What was even better was the fact that I didn’t need the cheaters to do for me.

Sometimes even a loser like me could get lucky. Ultimately, I owed it all to Sammy and Henry: they were the ones who’d turned me on to the church. I wondered what the two Pollards would have to say about my good luck. Probably give me lip service about how glad they were for me and then go home and all but laugh at me. Okay, so I was whining. I felt like it, so, so what.

******

It’d been three months since I last saw the lot of them. Did it bother me? I guess it did. My own kid held me in contempt! No, that wasn’t fair. It wasn’t contempt exactly; it was more like she pitied me. And that was one thing I sure as hell didn’t need. I guess the same could be said for the cheaters, I supposed.

Well, at least I was on my own now. I did miss the fancy dancy chair he’d gotten me, but not enough to kiss his ass to get it back. The cheapo that I was using now was a pain in the ass to use, but it did work and I was getting used to it.

I did get a few visits from my buds over the weeks since I’d last been to the Valley. They couldn’t make it down to Littleton a lot; well, they did have lives. But one would come down and then the other and once they came down together. That was for Valentine’s Day of all things. And I wished they hadn’t. I wasn’t in love with either of them, and the one I wanted to share a holiday like Valentine’s didn’t want to have anything to do with me, well, not in that way.

I was working and it was good for me, just ten hours a week, but it was better than nothing. I was pulling down and extra $300 a month. I needed $4,000 for the truck I wanted to get. I figured another six months and I’d be able to get it. And there was a program for guys like me that could get the controls switched so that I could drive it with my hands only. The program I was looking at could get the controls done for only $500. Hell, with the cost of auto repairs and such anymore that was practically free! Anyway, six or eight months to go and I wouldn’t be needing that public van anymore: I lived for the day!

******

I found myself in Walmart, and I couldn’t remember why I was there. Then I did. I needed new pants. I’d lost twenty pounds, and for a guy with no legs that was a lot: I weighed in right at eighty pounds. The reason? Well, I wasn’t eating regular. I hate to cook and I didn’t have anybody to cook for me. I’d been depending on TV dinners for almost a year, and while they were real good for the waistline they weren’t too healthy. And, I was feeling down most of the time anyway, so I really didn’t want to eat. All I could think about was the family that pitied me and didn’t really want me around. I would like to have been around my daughter, but not as no second hand daddy; that was just too humiliating. At least the group of them were leaving me alone. I wondered what they thought of the letter I wrote.

******

I was tilting back a brew when I heard the knock. It was a loud knock. I skittered over to the door and opened it to admit my guest, guests as it turned out. “Sam, Henry good to see you. What brings you guys around?” I said.

I should note here that I had purchased something I called my skitterboard. It was just a square, flat board—actually some kind of plastic—with wheels. I could lower myself onto it from my bed or couch and skitter around the apartment easy. When I got my car, it would be going with me wherever I went. It was better than my wheelchair, but it couldn’t actually replace my chair in all situations, so I had to have both; and when I went out, it was my chair I took with me in the cab-van.

“Just here to see you, see how you were doing,” said Henry.

“Yeah,” said Sam, “you live too far away to come as often as we’d like. You oughta think about moving back the Valley at some point. Forget about those people and just live your own life, man.”

“Maybe one of these days,” I said. “I’m just not ready to make it easy for them to bother me, not yet.” The two of them nodded in unison.

“Jim, I gotta tell yuh, man, you look terrible. You not eating?” said Sam.

“Yeah, I’m eating, just not wonderfully well. I don’t cook worth a shit. You know how it is,” I said.

I could see my buds were concerned about me, but that was just the way it was.

“You gotta take care of yourself better than you are, man,” said Sammy.

“I got me a job,” I said changing the subject.

“A job?” said Henry.

“Yeah, working for the Salvation Army. It’s just part time, but I’m hoping to afford me a truck in the near future, a few more months the way I figure it,” I said.

“Yeah?” said Sam.

“Yeah,” I said.

“Well, that sounds real good,” said Henry. “But... ?”

I knew what he was about. “It’ll have all the controls on the steering wheel: gas, breaks, the whole schmear,” I said. “I won’t have to wait for the van anymore. I can just go.”

“Well, that does sound like a good deal. Look, Jim, if you need a little help financially. I mean…” said Henry.

“No, no, I do for myself, but thanks a million for the offer,” I said.

It seemed like everybody figured I was a loser, even my buds. I mean I know all they, my buds, wanted to do was be good to me, but even without my legs I was still a man. And, how could I ever attract a woman if I couldn’t even get myself a job and a few bucks. I did have my disability pay, but it wasn’t enough for a wife and family, and I wanted both. Yeah, maybe me having a family would turn out to be a pipe dream, but it was my dream, and I wasn’t giving it up.

The boys stayed late. I offered to have them shack up with me overnight because of the long drive back. But they opted to get home, and Sammy had a wife to worry about, so I guess it made sense for them to go. They did promise to try and get by a bit more often. I did tell them that I would return the favor once I got my car. Man, I really wanted to get that car.

Once they left I discovered that I was lonelier than I was before they came. I think it was the silence. No noise at all. Not even road noise outside on the street. Well, it was past midnight.

One thing that Henry had suggested to me, after about our sixth beers, was that I might wanna see a shrink about things. Doctor Montrose had suggested the same thing before I’d left the hospital after having lost my legs. I told him, and I told myself that I would give it some thought. I’d have to see if I could still get the help free though. I’d be calling the doctor on Monday morning. It couldn’t hurt to know what my options were. I was too depressed and bitter for my own good that for damn sure! I knew it. Hell everybody that knew me knew it. Yes, Montrose, Monday Morning.

******

He rolled on top of her and reveled in the feel of her nakedness against his own. “My God how wonderful you are woman,” said Rodney.

“You’re pretty wonderful yourself,” she said. He gently massaged her breasts. “That tickles but don’t stop. I like the feeling.”

“I like it better than you like it,” he said.

“Arguable, but remotely possible,” she said. “Oh, and I think it’s time you did your duty.” He smiled his understanding of her words and slid down her body to obey her command. She spread her legs just enough for him to get his face and tongue where it was supposed to be and do what they were supposed to do.

She shivered and squirmed as he worshipped the femaleness of her. “Do me,” she said. “Do me now and don’t be gentle about it!”

Positioning himself above her, as she spread her legs to almost right angles to the trunk of her body, he at first hesitated lowering himself onto her waiting form.

“Now!” she said. He lowered himself onto her and poked at her pussy gaining an initial lodgment. He pressed forward slowly and then withdrew slightly. He pushed into her again and began what became the slow seesaw motion that she was used to as preparatory to his pounding into her.

She was muttering and squirming trying to get the most feeling possible from what he was doing to her. It was a myth that women didn’t exert themselves during the act; they did, well, she for sure did, she thought.

He began to get serious, pounding into her and ramming her with an almost cruel in and out stroke. Her eyes became glazed over and she arched up to ram back at him. They stiffened simultaneously. She squirted as he painted her insides with his cum.

They collapsed together him on top of her. She made a strenuous effort to push him off of her. “I have to breathe,” she said. He rolled off and to the right of her trying to catch his breath. They lay inert next to each other, each in their own world of thought.

“You know of all of the things that bother me about my ex?” she said.

“What?” he said, not really paying very close attention to her words.

“Knowing that he may never experience what we just did again. That bothers me.” She said. “That has got to be the worst for him.”

“Yeah, I guess,” he said. “But, that said, there’s not much we can do about it, not that. Other things yes, but not that.”

“I know, and that’s why I’m bothered,” she said.

******

The call to Doctor Montrose was short and she had assured me that she could arrange a session with the psychologist at no cost to me. So here I was at the “shrink” center. The office of Dr. Reinhard Von Kleist, yeah he was German, was not especially fancy or spacious; it was more, what, serviceable maybe.

I was waved in after what could not have been more than a ten minute wait. I didn’t have a watch, and I’d left my cheapo cell phone back at the Starlight by mistake, but it was about ten minutes regardless.

“Have a seat Mister Clausen,” he said, as I entered his office. The guy’s name was oh so German. And, he looked like a clone of Sigmund Freud, and yeah, even I know Freud was Austrian not German—but close enough.

“So,” he said. “Doctor Montrose sent you to me.”

“Yes,” I said. “She says guys like me . . .” I hesitated.

“Yes, men or women, either, who’ve suffered severe trauma often benefit from talking to someone who can maybe help them through the worst of their fears,” said Doctor Von Kleist.

I couldn’t help it, I snickered. “Really?” I said. “I don’t think you can help me with mine, doctor. But, Doctor Montrose said you maybe could, so here I am.”

“And what do you see as your most difficult problem?” he said.

“The true fact that no woman will want me now that I’m only half of what I once was, which wasn’t much even before . . . well, before,” I said. He nodded.

“Before you lost your legs saving an entire family as I understand it,” he said.

“I guess,” I said. The man nodded.

We talked for a little over an hour straight, I didn’t even get the usually mandated bottle of water. I did open up to him a little. He questioned me about my stated desire, stated to him, about wanting to end it all. I got an eyebrow raised when I mentioned that to him. Then I got the questions which led me to thinking that maybe I was over the top in my thinking.

“Well, I see our time is about up,” he said. “Mister Clausen, I’d like to see you again in two weeks would that be all right?”

“Yes sir, sure, I guess,” I said.

“Good, a few things we covered today probably need a little more consideration before we can say all is, well, okay. Okay?”

“Sure, sure,” I said. A few minutes later I was outside waiting for the van to pick me up.

I decided to make a trip to Shadows. I hadn’t been in for a while. I needed a drink. Yes I did.

******

It was two weeks later that I got another visit from Sammy. It was not a real good time. I was, admittedly, in one of my moods. I guess I was depressed. The doctor had told me that I would likely continue to have periodic bouts of depression for quite a while. He said it was almost a given with those who had trauma as severe as mine. I didn’t really need to have him tell me that; I knew it already from long experience. Still, I guess I appreciated that he had said something. At least I knew I wasn’t the only one.

I skittered over to my door to allow the man in. I knew he was coming; he’d called first.

“No Henry tonight?” I said.

“No, he had something going,” said Sammy. “Anyway, how are you doing and do you have a beer you could spot me?”

“Okay and yes,” I said. I headed for the kitchen to grab a couple of brews for us.

“You seem okay,” he said, as I returned with the drinks.

“Yeah, well you know, it’s kinda lonely and except for my little job and payin’ the rent not much is going on. You and Henry are the only ones I get visits from. So well, it’s like I said, lonely. But I’m okay overall.” He nodded.

“Well good that you’re okay,” he said.

“I did take your advice,” I said. “I went and saw a shrink. It, the visits with him, were okay.”

“Really?” he said.

“Yes, we talked a good bit, and he helped me see a few things. I had my second appointment just yesterday. He didn’t say, but Doctor Montrose told me that people in my situation, meaning at my income level, could get six visits at no cost to me. After that, if I continued, I’d have to be paying,” I said. He nodded.

“You hear anything from your ex-familia?” he said.

“No, and I don’t want to. They’ve got their lives and their millions and I’ve got, well, what I’ve got,” I said.

“You know, Jim, they may be assholes, but I don’t think that they are as bad as you think they are. They’re just normal people and maybe a tad selfish. They may have the money, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have problems and pressures and stuff just like the rest of us. I know you know that. You gotta stop feeling sorry for yourself and rebuild a relationship at least with that daughter of yours if not with the two of them; and really, with the two of them as well,” he said. “And, stop worrying about what they’ll think say or do behind your back that offends you. Just go with the flow, man.”

I looked at him as if he were crazy. But was he? Hell, maybe he was right. Maybe I should make a last try to do something like he was talking about. My reasoning? I was miserable. Would I be more miserable enduring their put downs and back stabbing? Damned if I knew. The one thing I did know was that the last two times I’d tried to be around them I felt really bad and hurt really bad. I guess I’d be doing some thinking.

“You might be right, Sam, I don’t know. But I’ll give what you said some thought, at least that,” I said. I started to choke up. Him bringing up the family hit me. I needed that family and I didn’t have it. I didn’t sob outright, but I likely would later all things being equal.

We talked for a while longer and he left; well, the next day was a work day for him. I think he noticed the state I was in, the emotional state, but he didn’t say anything; I was grateful for that.

******

She opened the door and was surprised. “Sammy!” she said. His look bespoke something not too good. “Sam, come in come in. Is something wrong? Has something happened to Jimmy?”

“Yes, and no,” he said.

“Please, let’s go into the dinette.” She led the way and he followed.

“Please have a seat,” she said, indicating a chair at the table. “Would you like something to drink?”

“Uh-no, not just now,” he said. She took a seat opposite him and riveted her attention on him. “Missus Pollard, the man has told me in no uncertain terms to not talk to you guys about him or to help you get him to do stuff. But, I gotta.

“I go and see the man every few weeks, yuh know?” he said, “Henry too.”

“Okay?” she said.

“Yes, well the man is ultimately depressed and, now he’s seeing a shrink. That was my suggestion actually. We talked a little about it, but he wasn’t all that forthcoming as to how the two sessions with the guy that he’s so far had went,” he said. “But, something’s off.”

“My Lord,” she said. “Sammy, Rod and I haven’t done real well by our man. But, that said. I just don’t know what else we can do. He won’t talk to us, and doesn’t want us around. It’s that simple. He’s even cut himself off from his daughter.”

“Yes, I know that, some of it. Like I say he and I have talked. But this last time I was there, two days ago, I laid some stuff on him,” he said.

“Stuff?” she said.

“Yes, I advised him to try again and connect with you guys. He needs family more than he needs anything else,” said Sam, “at least that’s what I think.” She narrowed her eyes.

“Sam, what did he say? I mean about your recommendation to reconnect with us?” she said.

“He said he’d think it over. I think he wants too. I mean I think he wants to reconnect with you guys, but he’s afraid of being put down, dissed, you know,” he said. “He says you guys are always dissing him and stabbing him in the back. He says he’s heard you himself, even the kid. And of course he has those recordings.”

“Sam . . .” she started.

“Missus Pollard, I know that the stuff he heard is what he heard. I’ve heard some of it myself as you know. But I told him ‘so what,’ it’s just dumb stuff that people do, well, when they’re being people. And I told him that I was sure you guys cared about him in spite of it all,” said Sam.

“Sam, first off call me Claire, please. You’re a friend, a good friend to us as well as to our man. And for my money, you are one smart fellow. You’re right on, on all counts. Yes, I, and it was mostly me, did diss the man. Yes, he did catch me. But at no time did I want to hurt the guy or really even mean what I said. I was just being a stupid woman. I was worried that he would make unreasonable demands about Rebecca. It was stupid of me and my husband agrees that it was stupid of me.

“I was hoping that you’d say something like that,” he said.

“Sam, tell me what I can do. I mean if you know what to do,” she said.

“Just if he contacts you milk it. Tell him you’re sorry and all, and that you would like to meet with him. Tell him you’ve got some ideas. Tell him you’d like to hear any ideas he might have. Just be cool and up front with the guy. Except for me and Henry he never gets any visitors and it’s weighing heavily on him. He’s one lonely fellow and I’m worried about him. Worried that he might do something rash,” he said. Her hand went to her mouth at the implication that the man was making.

“Sammy, you don’t really think that . . .” she started.

“I do think,” he said. “He is really lonely. I can’t get down there much because it is too far and I have to work. A couple of times a month is the most that I can do, or Henry either. He needs to move back here, Claire.”

“Yes, yes, he does, and it shall be as you say; I mean if he does contact us,” She said.

“Yes, if he comes back, he’ll have us, and you folks, and those church people he’s sort of involved with. It could be good for him. The situation, things, might be a little dicey for a while, but over time . . .” he said.

“Yes, you’re right. Sam, I want to thank you for coming by. You and your wife need to come to dinner one of these nights. Would that be all right by you?” she said.

“Uh—here? Dinner with your family?” he said.

“Yes, as I said Rod and I consider you a friend. I am personally grateful for the friendship you’ve shown my ex-husband. It means a lot, a helluva lot,” she said.

“Well, sure, I guess, I mean dinner,” he said.

“Good, good,” she said. “I’ll be getting in touch with you. Please talk to your wife. We have each other’s numbers from before.”

CHAPTER 16:

She was pacing back and forth on the expansive patio of the penthouse waiting for the youngest Pollard to come out and talk to her. She turned when she heard the footsteps.

“There you are, Rebecca,” said her mother.

“Mom? what’s up,” said Becca.

“Rebecca your dad and I have some decisions to make and we, I, need to talk to you at some length about them,” said Claire.

“Momma? Decisions?” said Becca.

“Yes, they have to do with your other dad,” she said. Rebecca Pollard deflated.

“Mister Jimmy” she said.

“Rebecca! He’s not only your biological dad; he also saved your life and mine and your dad’s,” said Claire. “No matter how uncomfortable it might be for you, you need to help me out here, and him, your dad. It’s not his fault that he hasn’t been around, frankly it’s my fault, mine and your dad’s; I mean my husband, your other dad.”

“Mom, you’re confusing me,” she said.

“Yes, I can imagine that that’s so,” she said.

“Okay, mom, so what do you want me to do?” she said.

“The fact is I’m not sure just yet. But there is a possibility that your dad, your bio dad, may need some help and that very soon. He’s lonely and hurting and in a very bad place, and I put him there,” said Claire.

“Is this about that letter that I heard you and dad talking about? About what he overheard us talking about?” said Becca.

“Yes, in part, I suppose it is,” said Claire. “Becca, the man has no one but a couple of friends he used to work with. And one of those friends of his told me he is in a bad way. We, and especially you and I have to help him out if he’ll let us. Can you understand what I’m saying? You’re still young, but not that young. And, you have a driver’s license now, so you can go to him no problem.”

“I get it mom. I wish he hadn’t heard me that day. I was embarrassed when I heard that he’d heard,” she said.

“Yes, well me too,” she said. “Anyway, Becca, I’m going to ask you a big favor and it’s one that I’m pretty sure only you can provide.”

“Mom?” she said.

“I am going to ask you to go to him and make nice to him, coddle him a little. Know what I mean?” she said.

“Me! You’ll be there too, right?” said Becca.

“Not this first time, dear. I’m afraid, if I went, he’d kick me out, and I wouldn’t blame him. But, you’re his child. Yes, a dad to you too just like your real dad,” said Claire Pollard. “What I mean is he’s a real dad too. I know this is confusing, but it’s a true thing too.”

“Mom, I get it, I guess. I guess I could visit him. But I mean, if he doesn’t want you there, you still think that he’ll want me to be there either?” There was hope in the girl’s tone. It was clear to her mother that the girl didn’t want to go even though she would if she had to.

“Yes, your situation is different. I was married to the man. We were in love, and now, well, we’re not, not in the same way, and he’s hurt because of that and because of me,” said Claire. The girl nodded.

“Okay, mom, if I have to go I will. It’s just that I don’t really feel comfortable around him. I mean he was an okay guy when he was here, but we don’t really know each other, and he does act kind of strange sometimes. I mean I do know that I owe him that we all do . . .” she said.

“Becca, you need to get to know him. I think he needs you to be there for him. It’s all my fault this mess we’re in. But, unfortunately I can’t fix it on my own; he won’t let me. He might even hate me. I don’t really think he does, but he might. I do know that he’s bitter, Becca. He’s bitter and lost and lonely. We women and especially you need to understand that and be willing to help the man, that good and brave man, to get to a place where he can be happy again,” she said. Her daughter noticed that her mom was beginning to cry.

“Momma, don’t cry. I’ll go to him. I’ll go there today if you want: there’s no school today,” said Rebecca Pollard. “But you don’t think he might . . .”

“Might?” said her mom.

“You know, kick me out or something?” said Becca. Her mom wiped away her tears and looked at her daughter; she smiled.

“No dear. I don’t expect that he will do anything like that. In fact exactly the opposite. He might be a little confused you just showing up, but after he settles down he will be very happy to see you; I’m sure of it,” said Claire. Rebecca nodded.

“Okay mom, I’ll go as soon as I eat something and clean up,” she said.

“Thank you dear, your dad and I are grateful to you. We know it’s kind of a lot to put on a teenager. And Becca, James Clausen, your dad, is a good guy, just a little hurt,” she said.

“Okay mom,” said Rebecca.

******

The knock on my door was a surprise. I knew it wasn’t Sam or Henry; they were working: it being a Monday afternoon. I went to answer it.

“Rebecca!” I said. I was caught totally off guard.

“Hi dad,” she said.

“I . . . I’m surprised, aren’t you supposed to be in school?” I said being totally at a loss as to what else to say. My daughter smirked.

“Yes,” she said, “I can see that you’re surprised. Dad can we talk?”

“Uh—okay, come in,” I said. “I skittered back inside on my wheel board and led her into the small front room of my small and unpretentious one bedroom abode. My computer, one loaned to me by the church, was sitting on the little all-purpose table across from the couch. “Have a seat,” I said, indicating the couch that I rarely sat on. She did.

“Dad, how are you?” she said. She was clearly nervous, but hell, so was I.

“Okay. I’m okay,” I said. “It’s good to see you. But again, aren’t you supposed to be in school today?” I could feel myself getting a little emotional. Seeing her there, even with what I knew she thought of me, made me feel kind of good but emotional.

“It’s good to see you too,” she said. “No about school, the teachers had a conference so I came to see you. I was afraid that if I waited for the weekend that you might have something going.” We both fidgeted for a moment or two.

“Dad, I’ve been wanting to come and talk to you,” she said. “I know about the letter you wrote to mom and dad. I know I hurt you, I mean what you overheard me saying to my friend, Jill. It was just stupid talk, daddy, really.”

“It’s okay,” I said. “Now, I really was getting emotional. I’m okay now. It’s all good.” She nodded.

“Thanks for that,” she said.

“So, how are your mom and dad?” I said. Now I was at the point of breaking up. That she saw someone else as her dad was killing me, but I was doing my best not to be too obvious about it but likely failing in that goal miserably.

“They’re okay,” said Rebecca. She noticed my state but was trying not to notice it at the same time; I could see that much clearly.

“Well good,” I said.

“Dad, mom would like you to visit us. I mean I know about the letter, like I said, but you need to visit us,” she said.

“It’s hard for me. I don’t have a car,” I said, “and the cab is, well, expensive.” She nodded. She knew I was making excuses but didn’t call me on it.

“Dad, dad, would pick you up; mom told me so. I mean if you need a ride,” she said.

“I don’t know,” I said, trying desperately to avoid getting into an argument with my daughter. “I wouldn’t want to inconvenience him, you know?”

“It wouldn’t be an inconvenience,” she said. “I know that for a fact. Mom really wants to be your friend. I mean you guys used to be married and everything. I know that that’s kind of weird, but lots of divorced people remain friends afterwards don’t they?”

“I don’t know, maybe,” I said.

I had to grant that my daughter was doing her best to be not offending me. She was calling both me and the other guy dad; that was a big deal for me. The other guy didn’t deserve to be called her dad, but in practical terms I guess he was. He was paying all of the bills, and he hadn’t known, if they weren’t lying to me, that she was my daughter until she was five or six years old. She was almost seventeen now, I knew, so it was a whole different thing. I also knew that all of them, maybe even including my daughter really would rather have had me out of the picture.

I’d really screwed things up for them saving their lives; but hell, I’d screwed my life up way worse. If I did take Rebecca up on her request, I’d be making that point to my ex-best friend. I might be in the way of their peace and happiness, but they wouldn’t have either of those if I hadn’t fucked myself up for them! I deserved way more than I was getting or had gotten, and I didn’t mean material things.

“Dad?” she said. She could see that I was lost in thought.

“Uh-yes, I was just thinking,” I said. “Rebecca, you coming here today was kind of a shock. I really didn’t think that I’d be seeing any of you again. But . . .”

“But, you’ll consider visiting us?” she said. I gave her a look that I know spelled suspicion. She was almost a legal adult, not a real one; one had to be at least thirty years-old to be a real adult, but I could see she understood my reticence.

“Dad, mom really wants you to come by, dad too,” she said.

“I don’t know. Can I get back to you on that?” I said. “Maybe, I just don’t know. Your mom and I . . .”

“Sure I guess,” she said. “At least you didn’t say no.”

“What she hadn’t said, not even once, was that ‘she’ would especially like me to come visit. My ex-wife, yes, but not her specifically, and she was my daughter. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she didn’t consider me as her father, or more accurately, anything more than an accidental sperm donor.

I wondered how much she knew about how the two of them had done me during the time I’d been married to her mother. I guessed that she didn’t know anything. I would, selfishly I suppose, loved to have had her know; but I wouldn’t be telling her; it’s the one thing that I just couldn’t justify doing even to the cheaters who’d pretty much destroyed me.

She’d said, and that quite persuasively, that the woman wanted to have a relationship with me, a friendship of sorts, weird, as Rebecca had noted, but one nevertheless. Could I do it knowing what I knew about how they’d done me? Very iffy. I couldn’t before, but now?

“Okay then. You got time for lunch?” I said. She gave me a look and smiled.

“Okay, dad,” she said. I was sure she felt she was making inroads against my hostility towards my ex-wife and the lot of them generally. It remained to be seen if she were right.

******

From movies, very often from movies, definitions of emotional or cataclysmic events are gotten. A Perfect Storm is one such example. My Perfect Storm? I got the visit from my daughter, and I was seriously considering accepting the olive branch the Pollards were extending to me. Then, I got a call, it was the very next morning, from my ex-best friend proposing a dinner at their house. And finally, while he was still on the line, I heard her in the background advising him as to how to handle me. Hearing my ex-wife, like that, once again brought home to me just how phony and condescending and shallow their offers of rapprochement were.

“Make him believe you for God’s sake. He may be a pain in the butt, but he’s our pain in the butt,” she said. I could tell he’d covered the mouthpiece of the phone to muffle her remarks, but I’d heard them.

He came back to me and asked if his proposal was acceptable. I just told him I was thinking about it, and that I’d get back to him. We talked for another minute or two, and then I hung up. I had never felt so low, well, not recently at any rate. “A pain in the butt was I.” Well, I guess from her point of view I was. Nice!

Every time I heard anything direct from my ex she destroyed me a little more. But this was the last time. I mean the very last time. I’d reached the end of the line, the very end.

******

I decided to take care of things in a public setting, but not too public. I went back to the street. Nobody there gave a damn about me, but that was the point. I wanted my body to be taken care of and the city could do it at no expense to anybody I knew.

I actually had a prescription I’d not used from the last time I was in the hospital; the bottle was still full. I’d be using them today, all of them, that oughta do it. I was actually feeling good. I wondered if that was normal for guys thinking like I was thinking at that particular moment in their sentient existence.

And then everything was dark and it was good. And, then I woke up and I was once again a failure. And then I was in the indigent ward of Grayson Memorial, but this time I didn’t have any visitors. The police did show up and showed an appropriate amount of disinterest but that was it. They did apprise me of the fact that attempting to do myself in was illegal. But, the upside, from their point of view at least, was the fact that they would not be pressing charges. How fucking wonderful. I couldn’t even get convicted of a crime that I was obviously guilty of. There was no justice, and then I slept. I slept a lot. And, then I slept some more.

******

“Mom, he’s gone, and he left a note. He’s going to kill himself! Maybe he has already!” said Rebecca.

Her mother grabbed the note from her hands and read it, quickly read it. He’d heard her dissing him—again. She hadn’t been speaking that loud, she hadn’t! By God she hadn’t! But he heard her, again. Fuck!

“I went there just to see if I could get him to come to dinner like dad wanted and I found it. The door was open I went in and I found it,” she cried. She was actually sobbing. Well, so was her mother.

“We’ll find him,” said her mother. “I know he’s all right. He has to be all right! Damn him for doing this to her. This was the livin’ end! She didn’t deserve to be treated this way. Her heart was pure. Damn if it wasn’t!”

******

She watched as he hung up the phone. “He’ll get back to us as soon as he knows anything,” said Rodney Pollard.

“He’s got to find him, Rod. It’s my fault—again. You were there. You know I didn’t mean to diss him, and he is a pain in the butt, and I’m going to tell him that when I see him. I love the guy for what he’s done for us for crying out loud! I do.”

“I know, I know, but he is going to be harder to convince than I am.

“Claire, you, we, have to be prepared . . .” he said.

“No! Do not go there, Rod. Don’t even think it!” she shouted.

“I’m just saying,” he said. “I’m worried. He has never gotten over you divorcing him to marry me. And then—after the accident . . .”

“I know. But he can’t be dead. I would never ever forgive myself, Rod. Never!” she said.

“Claire, I know it’s based on absolutely nothing, but my gut feeling tells me that the man is still alive. Like I say it’s based on nada, but like you I cannot believe he’s gone. I just can’t,” he said.

******

“Don, thank God! What’ve you found out?” said Rodney.

“He’s alive and it was a close thing, but they pumped his stomach and, well, saved the guy,” said the PI. “He’s at Grayson, in the indigent psyche ward.

“The psyche ward! What?” said Rodney.

“Yeah, suicide cases are often sent there; it’s protocol,” he said.

“I gotta call Claire. She’s been climbing the walls for two days, ever since we read that damnable note,” he said.

The two men parted and Rodney Pollard called his wife. At least it was good news. Well, good news considering the situation.”

******

She’d fainted while he was on the line. Not unexpected, but also not all that surprising.

He was now sitting with her on the couch and holding her. I really, really, really want to punch him in the face,” she said between sobs.

“Yeah, I kinda do too,” he said. “Claire, I’m going to go to him alone. Honey, I know you aren’t going to like it, but this one is on me. You gotta stay here till I call you. Okay?” he said. His tone brooked no challenge. She nodded.

“But call soon,” she said. “And make sure he’s tied down. The little shit is not going to escape this time!” he nodded and didn’t laugh.

“I will,” he said.

******

He gazed at the ruins of his best friend through the opaque window of the sequestered room. The psyche ward had a different persona than did the other sections of the institution, he thought.

He sure was thin. Probably not eating. He could afford to eat, he knew. He’d checked up on the man surreptitiously over the last many years when opportunities to do so made sense, even Claire didn’t know about that effort on his part.

The sonovabitch had his disability from Social Security. He had some bucks he made doing paperwork for the SA. He was okay. Financially, he was okay, just not emotionally, and “Here we are,” he said aloud to no one. “What the fuck are we going to do with you old man. What the fuck!”

He’d entered the room holding the note that Rebecca had found when going to visit him. That had to have been super traumatic for her. That really pissed him off. No man should subject a child to something like that even by accident. She was “his” daughter, thought Rodney Pollard of himself; the other guy was just the fucking accidental sperm donor. Still as the bio-dad he had certain responsibilities too! Yes he did. One of which was to protect their child not destroy her emotionally. Oh yeah, he was definitely going to have a talk with the man.

He took a seat across from the man. He sighed. He heard the other man move and sigh as well.

The eyes of the inmate fluttered open. “What the fuck are you doing here,” I said.” my visitor frowned.

“And hello to you too, asshole,” said Rodney Pollard. “Oh, and before I forget, Claire wants to punch you in the face and kick your high school ass and both of those quite enthusiastically.”

“Sounds about right,” I said, “about what I’d expect from a cheater like her.”

“A cheater yes, as am I; and both of whom love you like family. Oh and also before I forget. Our daughter has been sobbing her eyes out for the past two days. She’s the one who found your note. Hope you’re proud of yourself,” said Rodney.

I frowned. “She found my note? What was she doing at my place?” I said.

“She wanted you to come to dinner. You know the one I invited you to and you evidently forgot about,” he said.

“In case you really don’t get it; I didn’t respond to your invitation because I didn’t want to come after I heard your wife yet again dissing me. I mean why would you even want me there? Because you feel you owe me? Forget it. You don’t owe anything. Now you can go,” I said.

“She wasn’t actually dissing you. She was just venting. She’s tired of having to apologize to you every which way and then have you finding fault with the apology. Well, that’s the way she sees things,” he said. “In some ways the woman still has feelings for you. Are they sexual feelings? No. Are they true and emotional feelings? Yes. Try and get those salient facts straight in your head. Okay?”

“Tell her, ‘I’ apologize. And now you can go. Oh, and I really do apologize about Rebecca finding that note. I didn’t anticipate that happening. I really didn’t,” I said.

“It would be a hundred percent better if you’d do the apologizing in person. It might be humiliating, but you could use a little of that for damn sure,” said Rodney. “And yes, I know that sounds cold of me considering all you’ve done for this family.”

“”You think I need more humiliation! You really said that to me! No, no, I don’t need to see either of those women ever again. I’m actually glad it was you came to see me today. I couldn’t stand seeing them, not after this,” I said. “You know seeing their phony-baloney tears! They don’t want me around. I’m in the way of their happiness and yours too if it comes to that. Get the fuck out of my life!” I was breaking up.

“Look, Jim, the fact is we need you. And by ‘we’ I mean me and Claire and Rebecca. Please, accept my apology for not being up to the job of showing you how much we care for you as a person. Are we always going to be doing it right? Hell no. But, we’ll be trying. Can you or anyone ask for more than that! I don’t think so.”

I stared at the man for a long minute. He stared back.

“I’m alone, Rodney old bud. There’s nothing and no one in my life. I can’t work at a serious job. No woman is ever going to care a whit about me; hell, it’s clear to me that Claire never did. So, what’s left?” I said. “It hurts me that I failed to end things if you want to know. And I’m not being maudlin or trying to make you feel bad or emotional or any of it. It’s just that I don’t have any reason to care anymore. It’s hard to even so much as take showers or get up and over the bumps with my skitterboard. Put another way: life is hard and there is no upside to putting up with it.”

“Jimmy, I don’t pretend to know how hard things are for you. Hell nobody can know that who hasn’t experienced it. I’m sure that shrink you went to told you as much,” he said.

“You know about that?” I said.

“Yeah, Sammy told me,” he said.

“Well, for me it was a waste of time. Other guys who’ve had it happen to them were soldiers or had lots of help or families and the like. I don’t have any of that. So no, you don’t know and can’t know what it’s like and you never will. So, just leave well enough alone and I will never bother you or interfere with Claire’s rules or make things hard for you or cost you any money, or be a pain in her butt, none of it. Just leave me alone, Rod, please,” I said, and I started to cry. And the asshole came and held me and I didn’t drive him off or spit on him or any of it and I should have.

He hung around until the orderlies chased him off; that was after 9:00 P.M. He’d been with me for six hours. And what came of his lengthy visit? Nothing. He told me that I’d be getting more visits, and that, yes, Claire would likely be the next one. It was interesting to me that he’d said that he’d stopped Claire from coming with him because he needed to clear the decks first, whatever that meant.

******