If you want to chat about ANYTHING just poke me!! Most of my stories are about people that I know and situations that I have been in. However I have exaggerated them slightly to include some of my fantasies. I´ll leave you to guess what´s real and what´s not!!! I am normally at work when I´m chatting, so don´t be offended if I have to cut you off quickly!! If you want to send private messages, email@example.com
I would have thought that if he dressed like that now, it will only go downhill from there, if possible. Fortunately most of us aren´t like that, and would make a big effort on a date. Then let ourselves go after marriage (only joking).
Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine.He stops, inhales quite deeply & says that her hair smells nice.After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore.She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources (HR) & asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.The supervisor is puzzled & asks,"What's so threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"She repiles,"It's Frank, the midget!"
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Yorkshire wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ......Bugger off she said 'they're for the funeral.'
A drunken man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” The drunken man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became more impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.” Once again, the man just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police. The policeman surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “all right buddy what’s your name?” “Fred,” the man moaned. “Where ya from, Fred?” asked the policeman. With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied..........“the balcony…”
A guy visiting in Hawaii fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister and the severe pain he was in the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor’? The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it’ll keep the sheets off his legs.'
The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night. I told her I was looking for cheap flights. "I love you!" she said, then she got all excited, un-zipped my fly’s and gave me the most amazing blow job ever.... which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before...
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.Mixing the Renault “Clio” and the Ford “Taurus” they have designed the “Clitaurus.” It comes in pink and the average male car thief won't be able to find it – let alone turn it on – even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.Rumor has it, though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can’t get it to turn over.New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one and replace it each year.
I am very deeply saddened that due to medical complicationsI can now only have one can of beer a weekI have a very weak will, and can not risk going out to buy beer at the off licenseI know that I would buy more than one tinTherefore I am having it delivered to my houseSee the attached photos on route... http://upload.lushstories.com/248-beer lorry.jpg
PARAPROSDOKIAN - Here is the definition:"Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." Example - "Where there's a will, I want to be in it." 1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. 2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. 3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. 5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. 9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. 10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. 11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks. 12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put ’DOCTOR.' 13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. 15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. 16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory. 17. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. 18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. 19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. 21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure. 22. You're never too old to learn something stupid. 23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. 24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip. 28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were. 29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
Once again discrimination rears its ugly head..... http://upload.lushstories.com/354-Discrimination.jpg Will it never end?
It’s amazing how hard it is to think logically when you’re horny. I had the house to myself for the entire morning, a rarity nowadays, and I was finally able to spend plenty of time in front of the computer searching my favourite porn sites. On a day like this, when I knew my wife would be gone for hours and there was no chance of being disturbed, I liked to take my time with things. I grabbed...
Added 23 May 2013 | Category Anal
| Votes 46 | Avg Score 4.88
| Views 6,180
| 20 Comments
When I was married and I returned home to find the house empty, I would endulge in a fetish of mine, which was wearing my wifes sexy thongs. I had always loved to see a sexy pair of panties on a hot girls ass, and wanted to know how it felt wearing them. That´s how it all started, I had picked out a sexy red pair and slipped them on. The feeling of having the thong bit riding tight up the...
Added 19 Apr 2012 | Category Fetish
| Votes 16 | Avg Score 4.75
| Views 6,604
| 3 Comments
I was loving being sexually dominated, and was realising how lucky I was to be married to this woman, who was now abusing my obedience to the maximum. She knew that when I was sexually aroused there was nothing that I wouldn't do for her. She now often made me go a few days without coming, knowing that I would be that much more aroused and submissive. The other night, I arrived home from...
Added 10 Feb 2012 | Category BDSM
| Votes 16 | Avg Score 4.81
| Views 6,248
| 2 Comments
After my humiliation and excitement at the hands of my wife and her friend Jayne, the week had passed quite quickly. We had both been working long hours and hadn´t seen much of each other. On the days that we did know that we would be in together, I had found a note giving me instructions on what was expected of me on my wife´s arrival. These mainly consisted of me having to be dressed in...
Added 03 Feb 2012 | Category BDSM
| Votes 17 | Avg Score 4.71
| Views 6,941
| 1 Comment
Louise and I had been married for about 20 years, and it’s fair to say that I hadn’t been the best husband in the world. I loved her, but through the years I had cheated on her on numerous occasions, never with long term relationships but mainly with prostitutes. Our sex life had dwindled down to nothing, and I used this as an excuse to blame her for my bad behaviour, but it was still...
Added 18 Jan 2012 | Category BDSM
| Votes 24 | Avg Score 4.86
| Views 13,862
| 5 Comments
For several weeks after the session in the cellar, life was rather quiet and a routine began to be established. Mistress Caroline hadn´t said too much about the incident with Kelly, apart from being a little off and stricter than usual with me. For a while every little thing I did wrong was picked up on, but eventually all had seemed forgotten. It was quite simple, Kelly would awaken me. I...
Added 22 Dec 2011 | Category BDSM
| Votes 6 | Avg Score 5
| Views 3,838
| 2 Comments
I was awakened by someone bending over me and touching my neck. At first I was startled, then I realised she was unlocking the chain attached to my collar. It wasn’t Mistress Caroline. Who was it? Not yet fully awake, I couldn’t think straight. Did I know her? I couldn’t remember. She looked familiar, but… “Good morning J,” she said, smiling pleasantly. “Do you remember me?” ...
Added 28 Nov 2011 | Category BDSM
| Votes 10 | Avg Score 4.8
| Views 5,378
| 3 Comments
I was tired, and I slept well. The next morning I was awakened by Mistress Caroline, as she was unlocking the chain from my collar. She looked me up and down, then said, "You look so nice J, very lovely." She pressed her breasts against my chest and her cheek against mine and I felt her hand fondling my balls. "Such a good boy." She put her hand behind my head and kissed me hard...
Added 18 Nov 2011 | Category BDSM
| Votes 10 | Avg Score 4.8
| Views 5,982
| 1 Comment
For my next meeting with a prostitute, I played it a little safer. I´d enjoyed my outdoor encounter with my albanian girl, but this time I chose someone off the internet, who had her own apartment. I had been searching for girls in my area, but a certain amount of miles away as to be sure that we´d not cross each others paths too often. She had stood out from most of the other girls,...
Added 29 Oct 2011 | Category Straight Sex
| Votes 17 | Avg Score 4.76
| Views 2,559
| 5 Comments
It wasn´t on my mind when I set off that morning, but as I drove along and saw all the gorgeous looking girls of all ages, sizes and colour, I knew that I wouldn´t be able to resist. I was nearly home, only another 20 minutes left, and I would be there. Another night in front of the television, making small talk with my wife. Then we will retire to bed and again lie back to back. Since I...
Added 27 Oct 2011 | Category Straight Sex
| Votes 20 | Avg Score 4.83
| Views 4,089
| 5 Comments
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