“Oh, woe and thrice woe! Sound the alarm! Hairyballicus is coming,” went up the cry, “he’s defeated our great generals Lickius Mylius Ballus and Gaycoccius Testicio Varrucus at Ars Cuntula by foul means, massacred our brave legionaries, and left a trail of severed cocks impaled on pikestaffs in his arse-fucking rampage across our beautiful land. His uncivilised army of hairy arse bandits and malodorous cuntlickers will be at the city gates within the day. Lock up your wives and daughters, barricade your doors, and pray to the gods for a miracle.”

There was mayhem in the streets, and many old people and beggars were trampled underfoot in the confusion as the panic stricken populace rushed hither and thither like headless chickens in their scramble for safety. Those with country estates in the north and west gathered their jewellery and a few other valuables and fled the city by any means of transport they could find or steal. Even the soldiers on the walls, many of them veterans of past victorious campaigns, abandoned their weapons and deserted their posts, putting the futile hope of personal safety above the commonweal. It was a catastrophe.

In the Senate, the people’s representatives sat in petrified ranks, mute with horror, while the tribunes and consuls scratched their hairy arses in desperation, wildly seeking for some lascivious plan to avert the inevitable debauchery. Only one man remained calm. Springing to life, Priapus Veribiggus banged his rigid staff on the ground, and standing erect, bellowed for quiet.

“Fellow free citizens,” he cried, “by the gods and in the names of our glorious founders Romulicious Pussius and Reamius Virginus, what a load of limp cocked faggots and wet pussies you are. The cunts of our women belong to us, the horny free male members of our glorious city, to ravage with our magnificent pudenda, and no barbarian should be allowed to interfere with our god-given right to fuck whoever we choose, preferably as often as possible. The answer is simple. Send out the heralds to commandeer all the dried up virgins, aged crones and every mother-in-law they can find, order them to strip naked and line them up on their backs with their legs apart outside the walls. These African cuntspoilers are so frustrated after months with only the arses of their slaves to satisfy their barbarian lechery that they will fuck any bit of available pussy they can find, and when they’ve done that they will slake their unnatural passions in the mouths of their ravaged victims. They will be so desperate for any available hole they can stuff their ugly uncivilised cocks into, and won’t care a priestesses hole about their hairy chins, sagging tits and shrivelled up mons venerae. Then while they are still flaccid and weakened by their efforts and before they have time to regroup, those few brave and sanctified matrons who still have their teeth should chomp down on their misshapen and sacrilegious members. Those who remain can be disarmed by the temple eunuchs and house slaves armed with knives and bill hooks to cut off their privates.”

So it came to pass that the Second Pubic War came to an end in glorious victory for the forces of civilisation thanks to the noble sacrifice of the republic’s women. Hairyballicus was reduced to impotent fury astride his monstrous steed as thousands of his dismembered troops were slaughtered outside the walls of the city or clapped in irons and sent to the galleys. Forced to flee with his cock hanging limply between his legs, his depleted and unmanned forces were finally annihilated at the battle of Zamasculata Gonorea by an army of sapphic Vestals and sacred temple prostitutes under the leadership of chief priestess Clitia Laboria Succula and the great and glorious general Sucipio Bigegaculatus, henceforth to be known to history as Fuckurafricananus Majoricus. Great was the rejoicing that day, and Priapus Veribiggus and Scipio Fuckurafricananus were awarded a public triumph by the grateful Senate. Many was the aristocratic virginal daughter who was proudly willing to part her legs that day for the two virile heroes and saviours of the republic. May the gods be praised.