Forum posts made by rumpleforeskin

Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 27 Mar 2017 05:23

Greetings, to all Monday moaners.

In the immortal words of Rumplations' beloved back-up, relief, second-string barkeep, Ocean Runner: Monday, that feeling when you load and set the coffee maker, but for some reason the damn thing doesn't make the coffee on time.

Can I have an arousing "Amen" from all who share his pain?

Speaking of arousing, mega-congrats to Verbal (aka Jeff) for his cereal award. Frankly, I'm not sure why Lush hands out awards for breakfast cereal, but.... Say what? (long pause) Rumplators, I've just been informed by an anonymous sorce that the award was not for a box of 'cereal' but for Verbal's outstanding, three -part "Open" series. In other words, it's a 'SERIAL' award. (somebody shoot the spell-checker ASAP)

To conclude these opening ceremonies, the vote has been tallied and it is with pleasure, not to mention, relief, that I can now announce that, "Best Laid Plans," the collaborative effort of Hannah and Mike (or vice versa),has, by unanimous vote, been granted the exaulted title of, 'RRR', (Rumplations Recommended Read).

Don't know about the rest of you clowns, but after all that I need a drink. There's fresh cooked coffee to go with your morning brandy.


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 26 Mar 2017 07:43

Greetings, Rumplateers.

Buz, deepest sympathy is extended. I'd give you even more consolation except my first 'famous' story was a 'Taboo' sibling sex story. (sorry about that, honest) Truth be told, it earned 'famous' status twice. The first came in the old 'Incest' category. Then it re-emerged after a bit of tweaking as a step-sibling story in 'Taboo' and regained its former 'glory' .

That said, your life could get even worse. Hate to spoil your day, but I've just submitted a contest poem. The only good news I can offer is it's very short with both quantity and quality being in equally short supply. Be brave, Buz. Be very, very brave.

Okay, so who, besides, Buz, needs a strong drink?


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 25 Mar 2017 03:58

Weekend greetings to all who enter this sacred sanctorium of smutty scribbling.

The big news is, of course, the vote, or lack of the same. While no vote took place in D.C., here in the land of low-brow literary licentiousness , the vote total was, well, a bit underwhelming. That is to say, there were only two votes on the issue of bestowing upon Mike and Hanna's excellent literary collaboration, "Best Laid Plans," the exaulted rank of, 'RRR' (Rumplations Recommended Read).

Therefore and forthwith, by no particular authority, I deem voting to remain open until Monday morning, desert time. So drink, read or re-read, "Best Laid Plans" , then drink again, then vote and have another drink to celebrate your hard work and good deed..

Coffee's cooked. There's a bottle of Beaver Breath Brandy just waiting to be emptied, plus some OJ and vodka for chasers. So what'll y'all have?


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 24 Mar 2017 05:29

Greetings, tellers of torrid tales.

Your Attention, Please: An anonymous source, name of, Mike, has suggested, "Best Laid Plans" the new, and much praised, collaborative effort between Ocean Runner and Brown Coffee, be considered for that most exclusive of literary prizes, an 'RRR' (Rumplations Recommended Read).

In the opinion of your beloved barkeep (that's me) this is a commendable suggestion. I am, therefore, commending it to the advice and consent of the Rumplations quality assurance committee of the hole...that's anyone who shows up today for a drink. Voting is open from now until sometime later today. Feel free to vote early or late and as often as needed.

Voting can be thirsty work. So who needs a drink...of something other than a (shudder) milk shake?


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 23 Mar 2017 09:30

Mike, do you REALLY like participles? They're okay, I guess, but only if first saute'd in virgin olive oil.

Just for the record, you are right. Of course, so is a busted watch at least twice a day so don't go getting cocky on us. ;)

Now if any of you has an infinitive that's split or suffer from dangling participles, just belly up to the bar and order a drink to help assuage your troubles.


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 23 Mar 2017 07:24

Greetings, seekers after sultry sybaritic scribbling satisfaction.

Just got in a shipment of Slim Jims sausage sticks and Old Kawliga's beef jerky for those into healthy snacks. There's plenty of coffee to help wash them down. Just please try to not splash any of it on the bar...tends to mar the finish.

BC, yes, I'll submit what may or may not pass muster as a poem to the contest. After all, somebody has to finish last.

BTW, since you asked...An 'introductory prepositional phrase' is what grammar gurus call a clause that begins a sentence with a preposition. (clear as mud, right?) Here are a couple examples: "Closing the door, I turned on the overhead light." "Bowing her head, She prayed for help."

There is nothing 'wrong' with using them but neither is it 'wrong' to eat chocolate. Over eating the latter can add pounds, unfortunately, while overuse of the former can weaken prose. Best used, if at all, very sparingly...imo.

In case y'all were wondering, yes, the bar is open for business. Anyone interested?


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 22 Mar 2017 05:21

Greetings, to all who patronize this blight on the Lush landscape. Just for the record, the official house gin is something called, 'Gunga Gin'. It's a unique brand recently (like, today) mentioned in a 'Wall Street Journal' editorial.

"Yet the President clings to his (wiretapping by Obama) assertion like a drunk to an empty gin bottle... ."

Coffee's been rendered down to the essence of caffinated bliss for those so inclined. Add a shot or two of 'Gunga Gin' for a drinking experience you won't soon forget...unless you quickly knock off another mug or two of the stuff.


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 21 Mar 2017 07:27

Your attention, please...or else.

"She Who Must Be Obeyed" has made an appearance among us in her ceremonial robes of 'Chief Badge Giver'.

(slides over two double-Hannah's) Don't sweat the cost, Boss. I'll just add it to the already bloated bill of Buz the immoderate drinker.

If you hang around long enough, Emerson, will probably come dragging in and crank up the official 'Rumplator Popcorn Popper'.

Okay, who's gonna join, Nicola, aka 'Our Fearless Leader' in a, 'Hannah'?


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 21 Mar 2017 06:17

Greetings, dwellers in this den of delightful depravity.

Brown Coffee, mega-congrats on that EP. Something tells me many more will follow. That is, if you don't become an award-winning, best-selling author and move on to appearing on celebrity web sites. ;)

TANYA! Glad to have you among us. This joint's been needing more good poets. Now about your, handle. You see, at the moment, Rumplations slut-of-all-tricks is 'Tanya the Trailer Tramp'. However, she's been thinking about using her middle name to give her a touch of class. Personally, I'm not convince, Tawny' (short for, 'Tawandalayo') will do the trick, but who knows?

Jen, good to have you back. How's that ankle and life in general?

Mike, don't push your luck on that bar tab of yours. If I charged you for wear and tear on the stock room... .

Laura, how are things, in Zealandia? Thought about you and the heat down your way when the temps hit 95 out here in the US of A desert.

To celebrate BC's EP, there's a one-for-the-price-of-two special on 'Hannah's' all day today. Now who wants a drink?


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 20 Mar 2017 21:04

Evening, wasted and/or wanton wandering wastrels in the wild and wooly wonderland of Lush.

Yesterday, I was bragging how I'd put together a fine example of a, reading cue list. Now I come back, humble and contrite, tail dragging, to admit I can't find my list. While my 'cputer still does some odd things when interacting with Lush software (Nic won't let anything resembling that taboo subject be posted, btw) I'd appreciate any advice on finding my future Lush Hall-of-Fame stories. (sigh) Tsigh)

Where is, Emerson, when what this joint needs is a bunch of hot, popcorn?

So the question before tonight's gathering is: what should one choose if offered either free love or nickel beer?

Now who wants a drink to help them cogitate?


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 20 Mar 2017 04:17

Starting the day with flowers and hugs from Lilly and Hannah is a much appreciated, max goodness. (slides a mug filled with hot thick "coffee" over to BC) This should keep you bright of eye and bushed of tail for the rest of the day. Almost forgot, you want to cut that a bit with some Beaver Breath Brandy?

I'm putting together a very impressive reading cuelist , if I do say so my own self. I went back through the new stories until I reached the first of March and marked off my choices. Only one I've missed is the third part of Verbal'ds 'Open Window' series and something tells me he'll have the link headed my way ASAP. ;)

That said, I'm always open to suggestions...the more suggestive, the better.

This coffee's not getting any fresher. So who wants a mug full of the stuff?


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 20 Mar 2017 02:33

Greetings, Rumplators. Not unlike General MacArthur and a three-day old fish taco, I have returned. There's nothing quite like coming back to this toxic waste dump on the great info highway.

My thanks to Mike and all the customers he didn't drive off for keeping this place the leading eye-sore in all of Lushland during my absence.

The sacred and ceremonial coffee urn is making its usual disgusting 'almost done' noises so I'll cut this epistle short. Just want y'all to know I appreciate all the birthday wishes. They played their part in making it easily the best 70th birthday I've ever celebrated. ;)

And in conclusion, here's a meditation on coming back.

Now, who the hell wants a drink?


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 19 Mar 2017 23:38

While at the VA blind rehab center, the Feds had me blocked from 'Lush" (more about that in a later post). So I learned about Alan's death over on Stories Space. I knew Alan a long, long time. How long, well, months before he left this post on page one of Rumplations.

Damn, but I'm going to miss that guy.


Posted: Tuesday, January 26, 2010 12:48:50 PM

Rank: Purveyor of Poetry & Porn

Joined: 10/19/2009
Posts: 5,910
Location: Right here on Lush Stories..., United States

Is this the place I heard has "Warm beer and cold women"???
Hmmm...give me a double bourbon with a bourbon's one of those days...put it on my tab...

You know you want it, you know you need it bad...get it now on
Lush Erotica, an Anthology of Award Winning Sex Stories


R.I.P. Alan.

Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 04 Mar 2017 18:35

Evening, y'all. Congrats on your latest, RR, Verbal.Same goes to Mike for bustin' right through that 100 vote total.

I've only had one story ever soar that high but it was the first of a three-part series in the 'Incest' category. When Lush dropped that group, I had to delete them, then re-work and post as a 'step' story series titled, 'Feels So Right, It Can't Be Wrong' in Taboo. All three are doing okay, but while the first story has over 40K views, it has only 20 votes. Oh, the travails of a dedicated pornmeister.

And speaking of, Mike, is Rumplations new, relief, second-string backup barkeep keeping up with the drink orders? If service ever starts to drag, just let Terance the Tarantula know and he'll 'counsel' a bit with, the old, OceanRunner. ;)

BTW and in conclusion, any questions would-be Pulitzer winners might have about effective story openings should check out my definitive opus on the subject, "How to be a Happy Hooker" in the Resources forum.

Any more drink orders? If so, yell at Mike. Me, I'm outta here. Later.


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 03 Mar 2017 18:01

Evening, Mike. (slides over a schooner of 'BotBB and a tumbler full of 'Big Beaver Lick Bourbon)

That BC do get around. Reminds me of a gal I knew, good looking and popular, who considered a double-date as going out with two guys on the same night, either separately or in pairs. How long do you figure it'll be before it's posted?

Speaking of stories, I've added my vote (#96) to your story's total. What's more, I gave it a five.

I may have already asked but, if so, forgotten about the view totals for 'famous' and 'legendary'.

Emerson, you ready for another beer? (Why, oh why, do I bother to ask? he wonders while sliding yet another mug filled to the rim over to Big E.)

Who else is ready for a drink?


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 03 Mar 2017 15:59

Binary jokes? Has this joint sunk so low customers are coming in cracking...binary jokes? Check that, rant. For this crowd to start swapping binary jokes might represent a dangerous elevation of the already non-existent standards.

Next thing you know, 'Johnny Gross' jokes and maybe even 'Elephant' jokes will assail us.

(gives VG her high-tone shampain drink)

Seeker, at the rate things are going around here, a shipment of that high-octane Canadian vodka can't get here soon enough.

Phil, glad you decided to expose yourself. The house brew is something called, 'Bottom of the Barrel Beer' Not sure where it's brewed 'cause no place will claim the stuff. Emerson's IQ has dropped at least 20 points since he started inhaling it on an hourly bases so it must be pretty good.

Anybody else need a drink?


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 03 Mar 2017 11:49

Seeker, I agree with Big E. That stuff should come with a warning label advising folks not to drink it while smoking. (shakes head) Might as well just chug-a-lug 'Ever Clear' and let the brain damage begin.

Of course, if we slipped a bit of it into Hannah's next 'Hannah' it might ease her bodily aches and pains. ;)

And speaking of drinking, who needs a few?


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 03 Mar 2017 08:58

Greetings gropers and gropees.

Hannah, I took it from 'Google News' (headlines) which credited it to 'The Huffinton Post', so the validity factor is pretty high. Besides,the item in question is the product of British ingenuity so what could possibly be amiss?

Emerson, I'm sure BC would not be gimping around if you hadn't stomped on her toes. (Slides over a big mug of XX coffee and brandy.)

BTW, it has occurred to me that the next great internet fortune is waiting for the first person to come up with a way to hack into the record keeping portion of that aforementioned product to allow for 'enhancement' of results prior to display on the 'net.

Okay, so who needs coffee, a drink, or both?


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 03 Mar 2017 07:29


* File this under: No, I'm not making this up, honest. Taken from today's, Huffington Post via Google News.


For the full “Terminator” bionic man effect comes a brave-new-world condom ring to measure almost everything guys have wanted to know about their sexual performance.

The i.Con bills itself as the “World’s First Smart Condom.” (“Welcome to the future of wearable technology in the bedroom,” notes manufacturer British Condoms.)

In fact, the device is a ring that men can wear with a condom during sex to track a number of pertinent facts. It’s not actually available yet, but the company is taking “early bird” registrations around the world for the product, which will sell for about $75 once it’s released sometime in 2017.

The i.Con tracks speed, “average thrust velocity,” duration, skin temperature, girth, calories burned (no joke) and frequency of sessions. Most importantly for many, no doubt, will be how a wearer stacks up to the average and “best” performers — though a sexual partner will likely have an insight or two about that. Statistics are tracked via an i.Con app.

The i.Con is also supposed to be able to sense sexually transmitted diseases.

The ring will come with a one-year warranty and have a micro-USB charging port to provide up to eight hours of juice after a single hour of being plugged in.

British Condoms vows that “all data will be kept anonymous, but users will have the option to share their recent data with friends, or, indeed the world.” Just watch out for those Russian hackers.


Just another fine free public service announcement from, No Hope Ent..


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 02 Mar 2017 19:15

Evening, Buz. Sounds like you've been rode hard and put up wet. There's about two shots of Verbal's 'Old Crow' left, just waiting for someone in need to finish off the bottle with style. Want some popcorn to go with that?


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 02 Mar 2017 18:18

Evening, Mike. Speaking of 'pimping', three top Lush writers have stories on the main page.

Sprite's newest, Psychedelic Pussycat Dreams, Kink,"sent this old Boomer on a nostalgia trip.

Milik has the third installment of his hard-edged May-December "Deal" series.

Ping, has a couple including his classic "After Wife".

Check 'em out then come back for a drink, or vice versa.


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 02 Mar 2017 15:36

All this talk by Hannah and Emerson about their strenuous 'inventory' activities reminds me of those immortal words by the dishonorable Governor William J. Le Petomane as made immortal in the film 'Blazing Saddles", and I quote:

Work, work, work, work! That famous phrase being spoken by actor, Mel Brooks, while ogling the exuberant cleavage of the Governor's , uh, very personal administrative assistance.

I'll drink to that memorable cleavage. So am I gonna hafta drink alone or is somebody else going to order a drink?


Topic Awesome Award 2/27/17: Rumpleforeskin
Posted 02 Mar 2017 11:51

Talk about, 'AWESOME'! Me, I just got myself a hug from 'She who must be obeyed. ;)

Thanks for the kind words, Nic, and for all the times you helped post my pitiful prose."


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 02 Mar 2017 10:28

Greetings, guzzelers and guzzelees. I'm checking in a bit late because:
1. OceanRunner, our incumbent assistant relief second-string barkeep, needs experience being in charge and running the bar in my absence (Off your sorry ass, Mike, and whip up some martinis.., and...
2. I've been following the daytime drama breaking in old, D.C about our nation's top cop, former Senator and now Attorney General Jeff Session) not exactly telling the whole truth while giving sworn testimony to Congress. It's fascinating, in a head-on car crash sort of way.

The inimitable ABG wrote: So this is where all the cool people hang out.

Well, now that you're here, maybe, but still unlikely. . Welcome to this blight on the literary landscape, lady.Mike has just volunteered to make martinis. You want one of dem things, or maybe a 'Hannah' or some other fine drink? BTW, any more of you carbon based life-forms want something to drink?


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 01 Mar 2017 21:20

I've just been following all the breaking news about US AG Sessions and his meetings with the Russian Ambassador while he was a member of the Trump campaign and then denying during his confirmation hearing that anything like that happened. (sigh)

So, if y'all don't mind, I'd light to join you two in a stiff 'Old Crow' nightcap.


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 01 Mar 2017 19:20

Evening, Big E. The 'Wild Turkey' has flown the coop, so to speak but there's some 'Southern Comfort still available to, you know, comfort a fellow Southerner. Of course, the supply of world infamous, Big Beaver Lick Bourbon, is virtually inexhaustible.

That said, what'll ya have?


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 01 Mar 2017 18:50

Greetings, Shawn, and welcome to this sinkhole of wanton depravity and dirty little minds. You might want to harken to OceanRunner (Mike) when he warns about being careful with your orders, especially when he's behind the bar. It's strongly suggested you check out that link in his last post.

Same goes for you, Milik my man. (BTW, how's your lady fair, you know, fairing?) Not saying you guys shouldn't order the fool things, just be sure to do so with a little precision, if you get my drift.

About the only 'gin' drink I ever cared for was a 'Ramos Gin Fizz' preferably from the Sazerac Room of the Roosevelt Hotel in New Orleans.

And before anyone asks, this ain't the old Sazerac Room and we don't do no Gin Fizzes around here, at least not on my watch. But we do have plenty of other items for your alcoholic abuse. So what'll y'all have?


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 01 Mar 2017 05:47

And a happy first day of March (or the second, depending on location) to all who travel down the Lush highway. It's 'Ash Wednesday so don't y'all go around making an ash of least not more than usual.

The generator of product for the low end of the speed spectrum, that would be the sacred coffee urn, is filled to the brim with java to die for, and drinking too much of the stuff might just trigger that event.

BTW, did you ever notice how, at the bottom of the page, there's a list of folks currently befouling these premises? One name that often appears is, 'guest'. Sometimes I wonder how many of those visitors take one look at this joint and run away screaming and searching for a link to some mental rehab site.

There's fresh, hot popcorn and cold, day-old doughnut holes (your choice) to go with your morning coffee. Remember campers, a heart-healthy breakfast is the best way to start your day. Now what'll y'all have to drink?


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 28 Feb 2017 17:07

Many thanks, your Spriteness. When I get a facsimilie made, I'll be sure to pin it on the wall in a place of honor next to my cherished 2nd place ribbon in Tetherball at summer camp.

As for Buz, well, sometimes them Georgia boys just don't seem to act like they're wrapped right, bless their hearts.

Buz, did you finish off the 'Southern Comfort'? I was thinking Sprite might want to partake then try out for the next, Janis Joplin, bio-pic. Meantime, while he runs a quick inventory, let me ask if anyone wants a drink around here?


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 28 Feb 2017 16:01

Simmer and Laura, about the dancing on tables while topless, if you two do manage to pull it off, so to speak, I'd just like to remind y'all that we blind folks 'see' with our fingers. ;)

It's Mardi Gras night. Let's start a new tradition. Instead of throwing beads, let's toss clothes...just a suggestion.

There's a one-for-the-price-of-two special on something that's sort of like, but not exactly the same as, Pat O'Brian 'Hurricanes'. So what'll y'all have to drink?

Oh yeah, finally remembered to ask if some kind soul would describe that fancy badge Sprite just laid upon me. I'd be much obliged.