Forum posts made by rumpleforeskin

Topic Heap abuse on Sprite
Posted 17 Aug 2017 21:19

Heap abuse on Sprite? Perish the thought.

Bless her heart, she's both gentle and genteel. Such a nice, sweet, refined lady. ;)


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 17 Aug 2017 07:59

Greetings, gambolers in the game of life.

Today is, indeed, a great day here at Rumplations. For on this day, way back in 1893, that great pioneer in over-the-top risqué comments, Mae West, stepped upon the world stage.

For any uninitiated types passing through life and this gin joint, here are a few of her more profound observations.

"Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.”

“Too much of a good thing can be wonderful!”

“There are no good girls gone wrong - just bad girls found out.”

“Sex is an emotion in motion.”

“I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.”

Feel free to share any favorites you hold near and dear.

Coffee's on, ice-maker's working, the beer is cold, wine and fine lickers are available, and Mike is paying. So what'll y'all have?


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 15 Aug 2017 06:39

Greetings, gals and guys. To echo the words of the psalmist, "Morning has broken,..." and it may be one of those, FUBAR, situations. (sigh)

And I have a relatively rosy outlook in comparison to Verbal. His beloved NY Mets lost to their hated, cross-town rival, the NY Yankees, 4-2. Condolences are hereby extended.

The Green Guy (Larry Nye) and yours truly (Rumple deWriter) have back-to-back micro-fiction pieces (100 words or less)over on the 'Sacre Bleu' site (Stories Mine is titled, 'Forever' and it's not too bad. Larry's is a prose/poem titled, 'Let The Wind Caress Your Cheek' and is a lot me on that one. Check 'em out if you get a chance.

I'm past due for a second mug of Big Bertha's stimulating sauce. What about the rest of you? Coffee, tea (for Hannah and our other tea-sippers), beer, wine, and several fine lickers are available at a most reasonable price.

BTW, y'all think I might have exceeded my yearly allotment of parenthesis with this post?


Topic Post a random fact
Posted 14 Aug 2017 15:45

Ms B, does that apply south of the equator?

According to the, NY Times: “A comparative sociological study of East and West Germans conducted after reunification in 1990 found that Eastern women had twice as many orgasms as Western women. Researchers marveled at this disparity in reported sexual satisfaction.


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 14 Aug 2017 15:06

Scott, glad you'll be around until Saturday...honest. Whiskey-wise, looks like ya got a choice between an almost empty bottle of Black Jack( JD) Buz left over the weekend and a fresh bottle of, Bear Huggers Bourbon. What'll ya have?

Verbal wrote: Bill, could you find a cow, genetically alter it so that it gives coffee with a splash of half-and-half instead of milk, and then squeeze me out a cup? That would be udderly perfect.
Having been in both 4-H and the Future Farmers of America, I can say with an uncertain degree of honesty...maybe. However, in light of that 'udderly' disgusting play on words, your request will need to be referred to the non-functioning committee on extended reviews for a, you know, extended review and feasibility study

Anybody else have a drink request that might actually have a snowball's chance in hell of getting filled?

Ah, Sara has put in a most fillable request. A double-shot of Tarantula Tequila is on its way.

Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 14 Aug 2017 11:40

How's it hanging, Scott? Here's your coffee and BBB. Think I'll join you it ya don't mind.

When are you leaving on vacation? Need to know that so we can schedule the 'Run Amuk Orgy' for a time when you're gone. ;)

Speaking of running amuk, Verbal's latest 'Shards' has just shown up. Tanya and I have already, R'ed, and V'ed, and left fawning though truthful, C's. Be sure to check it out.

Anybody else need a drink?


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 14 Aug 2017 06:27

Morning, Jen. Here's your Monday morning mug of coffee. BTW, did you know that... is the birthday of baseball immortal and poet, Ernest Thayer, born in Lawrence, Massachusetts (1863).

* Now before you or anyone else starts heaping abuse on my pointy little head for slipping something about a dead poet into this otherwise most disrespectable den of depravity, please read the last stanza of his most famous poem. *

"Oh, somewhere in this favoured land the sun is shining bright,
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light;
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout,
But there is no joy in Mudville — mighty Casey has struck out."

Jen...Jen...are ya still there? (sigh) Another good customer left in stunned incoherent silence , or has just 'left'. So what about the rest of you? It's Monday, ya know? What do ya need to get this miserable excuse for a day cranking?


Topic New Contest! No Prizes, but lots of fun!
Posted 13 Aug 2017 20:56

Where, I say, where in the name of both Strunk & White are the official Lush contest entry forms?

Pending release and distribution of official entry forms...
I have an official entry albeit without and official form.


Your favorite Right Rev barkeep participant, though sans entry form,


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 13 Aug 2017 11:38

Ya know, I was going to make Irish Coffee for everyone, but then Verbal ask for a gallon of coffee and I'm not sure the Bushmills and BBB will stretch that far.

So tell ya what, I'll make Tanya, Scott and Mike mugs of Irish Coffee. Then Jeff's serving will probably clean out what's left of the inventory.

And just so everyone knows: the good news is Jeff's Mets are leading 2-1 in the second inning. The bad news is they're playing the Phillies who have the worse record in all of major league baseball.

Anyone else want to try some of this Irish Coffee? If so, speak now or Jeff will suck down what's left.


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 13 Aug 2017 02:23

Greetings. It's the middle of the night out here in the desert but what with a long-lasting thunderstorm an an anxious dog (sort of a German Shepard mix, if you must know) who does not, I say again, not, like sudden loud booms, your beloved barkeep (that's me) is awake and ready for business.

Y'all show your manners to Denim Daisy and make her feel welcome. Maybe offer her a refill on that margarita she's working on.

I'm here to announce that on the main page are back-to-back 'Fantasy & Sci-Fi' stories and both are Recommended 'Reads'.

Leading off the combo is chapter 11 of Sprite's, 'Butterfly' series. It includes a particularly hot and wet scene featuring, tentacle sex!
Next on the list is 'Science Slut' by, Wanna deWordsmith.(note: there's a chance Wanna and I are distant relatives since over on the 'Sacre Bleu' site my handle is, Rumple deWriter...but don't hold that against him)

As noted before, both are 'Recommended Reads' and in the 'Fantasy/Sci-Fi' category. check 'em out.

A couple clicks further down the page is the conclusion (I think) to Ping's, 'Mummy's Nasty Girl' four-part series. All of them are hot, fun, well-crafted, flash fiction strokers.

I just woke Big Bertha and since getting up early always pisses her off, I went ahead and cleaned her up a bit, then added fresh water and some dark roast coffee. She's huffing and chuffing now so a fresh batch of her verisimilitude coffee should be available, toot sweet, he says in remarkably egregious French.

Of course, there's our usual selection of beer, wine and fine lickers for those in need of something stimulating. So what'll ya have?


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 12 Aug 2017 07:14

Good: morning, afternoon, night Lushland!

Please let me direct your attention to, 'Kiss Chasey' the new story by Hannah and Wilful. Also and in addition, by my vast, non-existent power as a Lush Ne'er-do-well of the first order, I hereby proclaim today:


All who stumble across this incoherent bloviation are hereby challenged to read at least one story linked in the sig line of their favorite Rumplators.

Big Bertha is primed to pump out caffine in either the form of strong coffee or hot water for our tea sippers. The usual assortment of condo-mints are on the counter. This includes the essential Earl Grey tea bags along with a mot-yet-totally empty bottle of Beaver Breath Brandy.

So what'll y'all have?


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 11 Aug 2017 18:20

Welcome back, Mike! Sounds like you've been toiling in the land of Lush, pruming your vineyard, so to speak. Here's your beer along with another one for Scott. Granted, he ordered it six hours ago, but better late than never. Right?

All right already, who's next?


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 11 Aug 2017 06:03

A TGIF good morning to all the western hemisphereiacs among us. You folks in the UK keep reminding yourselves that the weekend is about to begin. Kiwis and Aussies should roll over in bed and keep on with whatever they were doing.

'Friend' Tanya. Yes, oh, hell yes, and thanks for asking. ;)
'Friend' Seeker. Haven't we done this 'friends' thing before?

Just for the record, it is not unknown for some names to vanish from my 'Friends' list. This is especially true over on 'The Sacre Bleu' site. Not sure if it's a sudden surge in good taste and common sense by some folks, or a vast conspiracy, or my screen reader running amuk, or my screwing up. My money is on the last option.

It's so early out here in the desert, even Bertha's coffee is smelling good. Who wants a mug or maybe a morning 'eye opener'?


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 10 Aug 2017 23:10

Tanya, I feels yer pain. (slides over the half-full 2-liter bottle of Nyquil and a mug of tea fortified with BBB.

My sleep problem is something called, Non-24 hour sleep disorder. It only affects some of us who are totally blind. Seems some of us who can't see sunlight have our circadian rhythm give up working on a 24-hour cycle. There's a pricey as hell pill but it only has a 70% success rate and it looks like I'm in the 30% group. (sigh)

All that does nothing to help folks such as you and Gil who often struggle with insomnia. I believe Churchill was prone to insomnia and called it the 'Black Dog'. On the other hand, that might have been his term for depression.

Anyway, ya ready for a refill? It's late out here in the desert. The rest of you better get your orders in toot sweet, he says, in perfect French. ;)


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 10 Aug 2017 05:45

For the late-nighters among us, that would be, Saucy and JWren, some red, red wine in a pint Mason jar. Enjoy and come back soon, you two.

Morning to Tanya. (slides over a mug of Bertha's Best) How's our 'Jersey Girl' doing today?

For our nooner nymph across the pond, one lemonade complete with a cocktail umbrella, in hopes Gil will soon be back with us.

eta: Greetings, Scott. Here's your coffee and BBB. Enjoyed my 'sneak peek' at your next story. Be sure to pimp the details when it's approved and posted.

For those of you wondering, it's Thursday, August 10, 2017 Out here in the desert sunrise will be in about 15 minutes. The temp is a balmy 84 with a high of 105 f(40.6 c) expected this afternoon. And I've only had two mugs of coffee!

I'm heading for Big Bertha. Anybody else want some of her unique caffeinated elixir or maybe an even stronger drink?


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 09 Aug 2017 09:29

Scott, I swear on my tattered copy of 'Strunk & White' that I was thinking about offering to check out that 'unending' story of yours when I scrolled on down and read your last post. Anyway, pm that sucker to me if you feel so inclined.

And now, ya ready for a refill on the coffee and BBB?

eta: Morning, Mr. V. Here's your coffee and BBB. 'Having' to rread Sprite's 'Butterfly' series is a bit like being compelled to make love to a beautiful, passionate woman. It's work, but well worth the effort.

Any more drink or coffee orders?


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 09 Aug 2017 07:33

Morning, Seeker. You got dem 'Can't figure out how to end this sucker' blues, and it seems like you got it bad. :(

You wrote: Coffee, please. Large Double Double (which in Canada means a large coffee with two cream and two sugar at Tim Horton's but in Rump's it means hold the cream and sugar and give me four times the BBB

Got you covered. One mug filled with a quad-shot of BBB then some of Big Bertha's Brew to fill in the small amount of empty space. Ya know, this could be the beginning of a very interesting day, at least for you. Hang in there.

Anybody else out there in need of some stimulation?


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 08 Aug 2017 08:22

Tell ya what, Ms big-time contest winner, since Scott wants an Irish Coffee, whadda ya say I also make one for you? Found a bottle of Bushmills tucked away in the stock room while helping Tawny with inventory. Hope that's okay with both of you.

Any other orders before I get started on this Irish Coffee stuff? Hey, Tawny, we got any whipped cream? Why on earth are you giggling? Like I was saying, any more orders?


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 08 Aug 2017 05:47

Morning, moaners and moanettes.

Sorry about that insomnia, Tanya. Here's the official Rumplations 2-liter bottle of Ny-Quil and a cup of tea. Help yourself.

To correct and/or clarify the misleading comment by mislead Verbal concerning the comment and link posted by beloved Rumplations regular, CURVY, concerning Sprites renowned, tentacle-sex containing, 'Butterfly' series...hmm, don't know about y'all, but after that rambling, less than completely coherent preamble, I'm lost. Anyway, click on the link in Curvy's post to read or re-read, as the case may be, the first story in Sprite's 'Butterfly' series. for while it is tentacle-less, other stories in the series most definitely do contain tentacle sex, trust me. Even better, trust, Curvy.

After all that, I need a mug of Big Bertha's Brew to get what passes for my mind back in gear. What about the rest of you malcontents? Who needs coffee, tea, or a drink made from one of our fine lickers?


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 07 Aug 2017 19:20

Man, are these days ever getting shorter.

Okay, we got beers for Curvy and Mike while Scott can sip on two fingers of this here Canadian Club.

Ya know, with all this excitement over tentacle sex, it might be time to start campaigning for a 'Tentacle Sex and Other Creepy Non-Human Things' forum. (ya think that name might need some work?)

While the Rumplations brain truss contemplates that subject, I'm prepared to entertain, maybe even accept, request for cheap beer, overcooked coffee and/or, something from our line-up of fine lickers. So whadda ya want?


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 07 Aug 2017 11:02

Howdy, y'all.

Pulled this off the 'Authors Publish' newsletter. Thought some of y'all might be interested, especially with their being open to: 'Tentacle Monsters'. ;)
note: No links included so you'll have to 'google and go' to learn more



Changeling Press is an eBook Publisher that only publishes Erotic fiction targeted at a female audience. However within that genre they publish many subgenres including Sci-Fi/Futuristic, Dark and Urban Fantasy, Paranormal, BDSM, Action Adventure, and Guilty Pleasures (Adult Contemporary Kink).

Themes they publish include: New Adult, Menage, Bisexual and More, Gay, Interracial, BBW, Cougar (M/F), Silver Fox (M/M), Men and Women in Uniform, Vampires, Werewolves, Elves, Dragons & Magical Creatures, Other Shapeshifters, Magic, Dark Desires (Demons and Horror), and Hentai (Tentacle Monsters).

They are currently open to submissions of contemporary and futuristic short fiction, single title, series, and serials in any of the genres and themes, mentioned above.

All books should be erotic and romance driven, which means though marriage and weddings need not be involved the publishers do want the primary relationship to either be HEA (Happy Ever After) or, in the case of serials, HFN (Happy For Now).

They do not accept books that are simultaneously submitted elsewhere, but you can submit more than one book at a time.

In terms of royalties, from on-site sales you receive 35% of gross, and off site sales you receive 50% of Net. They promise that you will receive your first check within 60 days of publication.

Turn around times are pretty fast. Expect to hear back from them about your submission within two weeks. If your book is picked up they generally have fast turn around times for editing and publishing as well. Maybe this explains why the covers are generally not very good (although that said, genre might also play a factor in that) rf

Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 07 Aug 2017 08:50

(The old barkeep stumbles in, turns up the lava lamp of Lush literary life and licentiousness, jams an 8-track collection of maudlin C&W songs about being alone into the used and abused player, checks to cash register which is, as usual, empty and stuck on 'no sale', gets three mugs of coffee from Big Bertha, sits down with Coma and Tose , sips on his brew,then opens his braille copy of Busty 'Barmaids' magazine to await developments.


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 06 Aug 2017 20:18

In the immortal words of Elmer Fudd, "Be vewy, vewwy quiet." all the UK Rumplators are (one can only hope) still in bed and, by now, wandering through the Lush lands of nod.

Don't know about y'all, but I can think of worse fates.

Scott, since it's getting late in your neck of the woods, what about a 'Tequila Sunset' instead of a 'Sunrise'. It's basically the same drink except there's a double-shot of Tequila.

And here's a round of 'Hannah's' in honor of Tanya and all her 'Team Tanya' drivers. ;)

Any other calls for alcohol before we dim the old lava lamp of literary life and licentiousness?


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 06 Aug 2017 13:00

Greetings to all weary, wanton weekend warriors.

Seems like hot tea is popular today. No problem. Ain't no explaining taste. It's only 102 f out here in the desert but it feels like, well, 102. That sort of 'dry' heat turns my thoughts to, what else but a tall glass of iced Long Island Tea.

Sprite wrote: i've done my part - i've actually written tentacle sex. in fact, i'm half way through a long ass series full of tentacle sex. the rest of you better get on it, or i'm gonna whup some butts. Her Royal Spriteness has spoken, or written, as the case may be.
Consider yourselves warned!

The next round will be in honor of, Terrel Davis #33, a great UGA and NFL running back. So whadda ya carbon-based lifeforms wanna drink?


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 05 Aug 2017 18:39

Evening, Scott. Sorry about being so tardy with your order. Thing is, with business being so slow, Tawny keeps bugging me to lend a hand, among other body parts, to her inventory in the stock room.

Don't suppose you'd be willing to help your beleaguered barkeeper? Tell ya what, if you can do your part to relieve my strain,I will, at no additional cost, at least to you,make that a double Cuban Libre and use some of the good rum instead of the 'Fargo's Best Rum' we use for house drinks. So whadda ya say?


Topic Get abused by a drunk mod.
Posted 05 Aug 2017 18:23

Thus spake, The Right Rev Rumple:

When contemplating the drunken mods of Lush, a passage from the Good Book (as revised and annotated by me), seems appropriate.

From chapter 31 of 'The Proverbial Book'

10 Who can find a virtuous drunken moderator? for their price is far above rubies.

11 The hearts of their story submitters doth safely trust in them, so that they shall have no need of sucking up.

12 These mods will do them good and hard all the days of their lives

Anyway, that's what the Rev had to say.


Topic What is the most important "life lesson" you have learned?
Posted 05 Aug 2017 17:43

Life is like a game of strip poker. We can't control the cards we're dealt, but we can play the ones we do get to the best of our ability.. .

That is, of course, unless 'Her Royal Spriteness' is dealing. ;)


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 05 Aug 2017 12:25

G'day, y'all. (he says, unashamedly mixing regional contractions) Phil, here's your metric bunghole worth of Bloated Bladder Beer. Enjoy?

Just a reminder that the 'MoreTentacle Sex!'campaign is still underway. Monetary contributions to the off-shor bride fund are welcome...preferably in the form of unmarked Franklins.

Phil, ya ready for a refill? Anybody else need to 'wet your whistle'?


Topic LUSH needs consistent MODS
Posted 04 Aug 2017 14:10

It is a truth, universally acknowledged (though with certain reservations) that Lush Mods are not always perfectly consistent, but then, neither are editors, agents, and most especially, readers...imo.


Topic RUMPLATIONS: Honky Tonk and Cyber Bar
Posted 04 Aug 2017 12:52

Jeff wrote: A metric bunghole of coffee please.

Gotcha to speak. I'm guessing you want a unhealthy slug of BBB with that coffee.

Curvy, when you mention 'The Tempest' are you by any chance referring to legendary stripper/exotic dancer, Tempest Storm? BTW, hate to be a wet blanket on your historical research, but if ya wanna refill on that Mead, sorry, Curvy.

With all this talk about BC's AV, I was wondering if someone might give me some idea just what the hecky-darn folks are talking about?

Okay, time to get serious about some hardcore TGIF-type drinking. So whadda ya want?