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The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities..."There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:"An ambulance just drove by!""Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out."Matt's riding a new bike!""Looks like the Sanders are moving!""Jason is on his skate board!"After a few moments he announced..."The Coopers are having sex!"Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out..."How do you know they're having sex?""Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer, and two young people showed up. One was a good-looking lad in his mid-twenties, and the other was a gorgeous blonde about the same age.The circus owner told them, "I'm not going to sugarcoat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"The girl said, "I'll go first." She walked past the chair, the whip, and the gun and stepped right into the lion's cage. The lion started to snarl and pant and began to charge her. About half way there, she threw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her, and started licking her ankles. He continued to lick her calves, kissed them, and then rested his head at her feet.The circus owner’s mouth was on the floor. He said, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turned to the young man and asked, "Can you top that?"The young man replied, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
I was banging this nice lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!"Thinking back, I really should have run - but you don't get offers like that every day
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm.As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied.He slipped into his shoes and drove home."Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house."Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night at the show . He hypnotized 7 guys then tripped over the microphone and yelled "Fuck me"......What happened next will haunt me forever...
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?""The funeral director," said his wife.
A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.“Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”“Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus.The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: ”So, Seamus, how was your day?”Seamus told him that he took care of three patients.“The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”“Bravo, and the second one?” – asks the doctor.“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir.” – says Seamus.“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” – asks the doctor.“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!”“Thunderin’ Lard Jayzus, Seamus, what did ye do?” – asks the doctor.“I put drops in her eyes.” !!!!!
A blonde drops her little black dress at the cleaners. On the way out, the lady at the counter says "Come again!" The blonde turns angrily and says..."NO IT'S TOOTHPASTE THIS TIME, YOU NOSY BITCH!"
Mirror, mirror on the wall,Should I really shave my balls?If I don't, she'll surely bitch,Does she care how much I'll itch?Take the razor and lather up,(Gawd that bitch is so corrupt)Don't she care that I could slip?Shave my balls - and cut off my dick?Easy now - hands don't shake,She'll call me "Stumpy" with one mistake.Pubes in her teeth she really can't bear,If I want some head - get ridda the hair.So I shave my balls all nice and slick,Did it up nice - without one nick!"Feel 'em baby - they're so smooth!""Take off your clothes - get in the groove!"She looks at me from our little bed,"I'm sleepy, Baby - ain't givin' no head!"She rolls on over - and gives me her back,I'm so pissed off - I'm about to crack!Next day it's breakfast in the sheets,I spoon her bites which she gladly eats.And I must confess I think it's fair,That her omelet was made with pubic hair!
A ventriloquist is touring Sweden. One night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town.With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way?What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It’s people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general... pathetically, all in the name of humor!"The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells: " You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap! "
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