03 Jun 2016 05:14
18 May 2016 01:49
Bought that new U2 SAT NAV yesterday, it's completely useless. The streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
17 May 2016 07:37
Campanology... does that name ring a bell with?
26 Apr 2016 07:12
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
21 Apr 2016 03:40
Just had a spam email advertising burial plots.... that's the last thing I b****y need.
19 Apr 2016 04:48
I'm not sure if liquor is the answer, but it's worth a shot!
08 Apr 2016 06:51
What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot? ... One is a kangaroo and the other is a Geordie stuck in a lift.
21 Mar 2016 09:08
No matter how kind your children are, German children are kinder.
17 Mar 2016 09:08
I wonder... when an adult male has a circumcision does he leave the doctor a tip?
15 Mar 2016 07:39
How come you never see a headline saying “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
29 Feb 2016 07:59
Just added to my reading queue - Geology by Roxanne Minerals and Carpet Fitting by Walter Wall.
19 Feb 2016 07:01
Being British is about driving a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then traveling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV
17 Feb 2016 05:18
In the Post Office queue this morning I was behind a man who began speaking into an empty envelope. "What are you doing?", I asked him. "Sending a voice mail," he replied.
16 Feb 2016 06:32
I was at an ATM machine this morning and an old lady asked ne to check her balance so I pushed her over.
03 Feb 2016 05:48
I started to write a story about amnesia but I cannot remember where I filed it...... I know they get worse don't they.
16 Dec 2015 01:50
Why was the turkey at the Talk Talk staff Christmas Party in such a mess? Because it was hacked.
26 Nov 2015 05:17
50 Shades of Grey? - The only way anyone is going to get me to watch that load of rubbish is to tie me up and force me.
25 Nov 2015 05:33
I picked up a hitchhiker on the way to work this morning. Well you have to when you hit them don't you...
29 Oct 2015 08:43
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
22 Oct 2015 03:35
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the f*** happened?'
20 Oct 2015 03:58
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
30 Sep 2015 06:53
Dealing with idiots is like soccer. You can use your head, but a swift kick is usually more effective.
19 Sep 2015 03:23
Did you know that 3 out of every 2 people have difficulty understanding fractions?
18 Sep 2015 03:12
Never in the field of banking, has so much been owed, by so few, to no one at all.
17 Sep 2015 06:28
I don't mind coming to work but that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch.
08 Sep 2015 01:31
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
03 Sep 2015 01:02
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.
01 Sep 2015 07:29
I spent the bank holiday, alone, trying to learn escapology. I need to get out more
25 Aug 2015 01:54
Just deleted all my German contacts from my iPhone. It is now Hans free.
20 Aug 2015 05:11
“Patience is a bit like a toilet-roll – the bigger the arsehole you’re dealing with, the quicker it runs out.”