Topic trust after affairs
16 Jul 2013 18:06
I was in a 4+ year relationship with a girl I thought I'd marry and spend the rest of my life with. Shortening it all (despite the fact I could write a book or three about the relationship), she cheated. I took every gift she ever gave me and sent them off to her parents' house. In addition, I also gave her parents a couple packs of unused condoms and told her dad to keep his filthy slut-cunt of a daughter in check, and maybe she'd "use these" (obviously the condoms) pretty soon. Suffice to say, I never liked her parents, and preceding what she did to me, they had never liked me, and after that little 'incident', they certainly didn't care for me. In the end, I was glad to not have to call her dad a father-in-law for the simple fact that he was nothing more than a pseudo-politician and an adulterer that was so prideful about being a hasbeen Marine yet didn't have the testicular fortitude to be loyal to his psychotic bitch of a wife. Ah, getting off of this tangent and moving on, though, so I digress.
I give 110% effort into everything that I do. Whatever endeavor it is, I aspire to be the best. When it comes to relationships, whether platonic or intimate/romantic, I'm the most loyal human being out there as a friend or a lover. The same effort is given in said relationships. Positive facts about yours truly.
On the flipside, I'm an extremely merciless person in that I hold grudges and, with screw-overs/fuck-overs like this, I have a tough time giving anybody second chances. The grudge part is a huge flaw that I've been working on for a while. I've always said, "Hey, I hold grudges so that I can think of that person as I chase success and become better than they will ever be!" as some sort of validation to say that I sublimate my anger for an individual into positive pursuits and energy, but that only holds up for so long. It's difficult to sleep or think straight when you hold grudges. I realize this massive flaw, but that's still a factor.
Trust after a cheater cheats? It will never be regained. There will always be doubt there.
Y'know, after "she" cheated, she acted like everything was all good in the hood. That pissed me off that much more. For about two months straight (no contact) following all the bullshit that occurred I thought about 'forgiving her'. In the end, I decided against the forgiveness or anything related to that, because she didn't feel one ounce of contrition. She didn't give a fuck. I was angry and pissed off at the world. I'd been into MMA and boxing for about a year at that point, and I'm so damn glad I was (I'm not sure how I'd be today if I weren't), because sublimating all of that anger and energy into hard work and physical labor involving stimulus of muscle fibers paid off in relieving stress.
Eight months after she cheated, she sent me a big, long email 'explaining' things. I instantly deleted it. "Dumb bitch, fuck off" was my mentality, and justifiably so. She'd fucked me over without a bit of remorse, didn't even explain why and as a result there was not one bit of closure. I wasn't happy about the lack of closure, but I didn't want to talk to someone that didn't deserve my goddamn time. I'm a prideful and extremely confident man -- I didn't need another wound implicated.
About a week after I completely ignored her first email (and she sent more) and social media messages, I encountered her in person. She expressed regret, but I didn't give a shit. The lasting pain she inflicted on me wasn't worth forgiving her. She didn't deserve it. And I never forgave her. Y'know, I've sat down quite a bit over the last three years and thought about all the bullshit that happened, and I think, once in a blue moon when I'm in the mood to reminisce over the past, if I should have just buried the hatchet, and y'know what? A few minutes later, I always remember all the negative and bad things about her, her flaws, what she did to me, how she didn't give a fuck for almost a year, etc. etc. and then I no longer have the desire to bury the hatchet with her.
Holding grudges is an unhealthy thing to do, but I never said I'm a healthy person in that regard. Fuck me over once... shame on you. Fuck me over twice... TWICE? LOL! You stupid bitch, you won't get the opportunity to do it again! When it comes to relationships, in my personal opinion, second chances are overrated. An asshole thing to say/do/believe in? That's a subjective belief. "She" fucked things up with the greatest person she's ever met or will ever meet, and that's on her.
Trust is something I hold dearly valuable. Fuck it all up once, and there's not a screamin' demon's chance in hell you'll ever get it back because skepticalness will reign supreme and rule the day.
How can someone learn a lesson or accept a mistake without being forced to reap the meritable, justifiable repercussions of their actions of pure, unbridled dumbfuckery?
One of my favorite all-time sayings in the world: "Dumbshits gonna do dumb shit".