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How Prominent Should the Roles of Past Loves Be in a New Relationship? Options · View
Posted: Monday, February 18, 2013 12:36:52 PM

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I was hanging out with friends this past weekend. And a really close guy friend of mine told me about a relationship he had to let go of because it seemed like his girlfriend was always working her ex into their relationship. Always bringing up how much he hurt her. And to me, it sounded as if it was to the point that she was pining for this guy who hurt her so badly. And when he first started showing interest in her, she wasn't exactly fresh out of the relationship and she made it clear several times that she was over this ex. Yet as they began dating comments would slip in here and there about how heartbroken she was. Like she hadn't completely healed. And he was as supportive as he could be, because she really is a great girl, but it became evident that she had never gotten over this guy, no matter how in love she thought herself with my friend. And their relationship sort of became all about him trying to help her get over this heart breaker. It was like no matter what he did, she was always randomly sad about this other guy. Which I thought was more than a little strange. And she's obviously not over this guy, so why even bother with a new relationship? In my opinion, and not totally saying she did it on purpose, but I think she hooked up with my friend because it was convenient. He was emotionally available, so she grabbed at the chance.

So anyhoo, I guess my question is: How big of a role do you think an ex should play in a new relationship? I've always thought that they should play no part of a new relationship. Sure every couple has one or two conversations about exes just to clear the air and have everything out in the open, but surely it shouldn't be a recurring thing.

Any thoughts?

Let me cover your shit in glitter, I can make it gold.

Posted: Monday, February 18, 2013 2:10:50 PM

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I think it should NOT be a prominent roll at all. Only if there are children involved should it really be an issue. Well, except in extreme cases of abuse, rape, or other things like that... then some real help is probably needed. But IMO the new partner should not be the Doctor. So I guess in short, I agree with you. I would probably write more, but I have to start dinner. LOL HUNGRY!
Posted: Monday, February 18, 2013 2:14:28 PM

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None whatsoever. I am not "him". She is not "her". Get over it, be over it, stay over it.
Posted: Monday, February 18, 2013 3:10:07 PM

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My exes affect relationships only in that I try to be cautious not to make the same mistakes again. Unfortunately, I make NEW mistakes! Now I just look for sex and settle for that, the rest, love and permanence and all of that, is too damned hard to make it work. There is a man who has my heart but there's no way to make it work for us, and we had to part 3 years ago, I try to keep that from entering my lover relationships but it certainly enters my mind. But past relationships shape who you are and how you feel, and you can never really 100% turn that off.

Posted: Monday, February 18, 2013 3:36:27 PM

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I agree with Mr. LosAngeles, in that what has happened in the past is done, and only needs to be brought up if it has something to add to the experience for both. If not, it's best left unsaid.
Posted: Monday, February 18, 2013 4:00:12 PM

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Whats in the past should stay in the past,and a new relationship is the future,so past relationships should have absolutely no role whatsoever.
Posted: Monday, February 18, 2013 4:33:55 PM

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I agree with 2706ali Whats in the past should stay in the past,and a new relationship is the future,so past relationships should have absolutely no role whatsoever.
Posted: Monday, February 18, 2013 4:41:56 PM

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None at all unless Children are involved through the previous relationship.

Posted: Wednesday, February 20, 2013 6:36:22 AM

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that poor guy he was going to be BBQ for whatever her ex did

as i have said it before i so think there should be a waiting period before date again after a bad break up

why should a new person pay for your mistake??

see i believe that people tell us who they are ...we choose to IGNORE it

you know a cheater..you do..you know a guy who isnt going to put you first...you see it right away...someone who comes on too fast and hard...a possible stalker

so i ask why should the new person pay for it?

everyone has been hurt..if you have dated you have been hurt period

if a person brings up their past like that run..to the nearest exit

they are not over them and will HURT you

good question...really good question

Posted: Wednesday, March 6, 2013 11:13:07 AM

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I agree, relationships should remain in the past unless of course, children are involved. In a real and perfect world, that would always be the case but the reality is that we too often carry around far too much baggage from past relationships than should be allowed and most people just aren't very self-aware to be able to move past them and come out at the other end a better and happier person.

I do think it's fine and sometimes important to hear about ex's or past relationships when you're first learning and getting to know more about a new love interest - I think what they have to say about those past relationships (good or bad) can and does reveal so much about their character, how they view relationships and gender roles and conflict etc., and especially if they take any responsibility or accountability for the break-up (THIS is critical in my opinion). That's not to say I want to hear every intimate tale or spend all our free time rehashing past relationships BUT sometimes it's good to get it all out in the open and be done with it so there no surprises.

Posted: Wednesday, March 6, 2013 5:04:25 PM

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Location: Cakeland
In 1995 I showed up at our residence driving what I thought was my new automobile. Very similar to this photograph.

My then live-in girlfriend came home from night school around 10:30 that evening and barged in our residence spitting nails she was so upset and livid.

"You are NOT driving that fucking car!"

"I'm getting a great deal on that El Dorado, babe."

"My last boyfriend before you bought a brand new '92 and he used it to cheat around on me, it's even the same gawddamned color!"

"Well, that's a 1993 model, babe...and I don't plan to cheat around on you with it."

"Either that fucking car goes or I go."

I took it back to the dealer the next morning. In hindsight, I should've helped her pack her suitcase that night as she and I broke up 18 months later anyway.

That ride was sweet. She was too, in a different way. I never saw her come unhinged like that about anything else in the nearly 5 years we were together. That was also about the extent of her ever talking about her ex with me. She fucking flipped out!

I wish I'd have filmed her 45 minute tirade. It was difficult to keep from laughing in front of her. evil4

Obscenity is the last refuge of an inarticulate motherfucker.
Posted: Saturday, March 16, 2013 3:27:57 AM

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I defs think it's important to acknowledge any effects that an ex may have had on an individual. But defs don't let them define any new relationships. Your new partner is not your old one.
Posted: Tuesday, March 19, 2013 9:04:40 AM

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stelmaria wrote:
I defs think it's important to acknowledge any effects that an ex may have had on an individual. But defs don't let them define any new relationships. Your new partner is not your old one.

^^^^^This^^^^^ Remember also, it's up to the new partner to choose whether they want to accept this type of behaviour. If he didn't like being her emotional crutch, why did he stay? I think he should take a lot of the responsibility for what has happened because he accepted her behaviour from the beginning.
Posted: Wednesday, March 20, 2013 7:30:22 AM

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To avoid all semblances of the past is extremely difficult and I'd say unhealthy. However, what we should do regarding the past is to acknowledge it, wave hello occasionally, allow it to stay for a visit, perhaps a cup of tea one rainy afternoon, we should also allow the past to visit us when we are perhaps sad, lonely and feel the need for a moment or two of reminiscence, to recall the good time, the wonder and the joy of past experiences. Then, as we do with old acquaintances, we can say goodbye, cheerio, nice to see you again, we must catch up in a few years time. Also, in acknowledging the past and saying hello now and again we can see the routes not taken, the actions we took that were less than satisfactory and hopefully we can learn from acknowledging the past.

Keep the past out, deny them the opportunity to visit occasionally and the past will come back time and time again, stronger, faster and significantly more persistent, you see, the past must have a voice, a chance to speak out and to be heard, once we listen to our past, really listen, sated it will slink off back home, only visiting on those occasions that you request a visit. Take heed of the past, for the past can guide your future or if unheard the past can alter the course of your life with devastating effect.

Say hi, once in a while, you'll be glad you did so, but hey, don't ask the past to stay over, never ever allow the past to stay over, the past is not a very pleasant house guest...

The past is the Goldilocks of life experiences, too soft and the past may stay for ever, too hard and the past might become a grouch, just right and the past can be...just right!
Posted: Tuesday, July 30, 2013 12:58:25 AM

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A couple's ability to openly talk about their past loves without being insecure shows how mature their relationship is. When a girl talks about her past relationship with her current boyfriend, how she felt during that time and what the guy did to hurt her, she's just trying to get the message across that she doesn't want things like that to happen again. And that you have to treat her better than the last guy she dated.
Posted: Tuesday, July 30, 2013 1:31:53 AM

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OMG Original Poster, that girl sounds like me.

However I was freshly out of my pervious relationshp and I was with my former partner for 8 years. 8 years is a long time especially when I started my early 20s with my partner. To make matters worse my ex has mental health issues.

My rebound has been a great support to me, he is married yet seperated for almost 2 years. He has listen to me whinge about my ex frenquently. Been paitent knowing that there was some very dark history between my ex and I.

I think he does like me to a point where he started to talk to my mum and said he although he understood that I am not over my ex...it was getting annoying to him. He also has said some other comments to me which makes me think of he does show some interest. However he is still legally married and yes he does have full custody of his kids. Which the kids have taken a liking to me.

So I have cut back on talking about my ex. I save talking about my ex with my mum and my therapist.

Rebound has talked about his first love who is the mother to his oldest kids to me and seems sadden how events turned out. His wife is the mother to his youngest kids, has similar issues as my ex and she married him to gain a marrige visa for this country.

I have only had one real relationship before rebound so I can not really help but be weary on how things are. If you been with someone for so long they are going to leave a lasting impression with you.

I still talk to my ex because he is now in a psych hospital and a part of me feels guilty that I am off fucking this rebound.

However I enjoy the fucking sessions very much and the company of my rebound.

It doesn't go away fast but you know you are in the right frame when you start to think less about your ex every day.
Posted: Wednesday, October 9, 2013 1:10:10 PM

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it is not important to me i have her now and we all have memories,just dont bring the bad ones with you.
Posted: Wednesday, November 13, 2013 9:28:45 PM

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They should play no role at all. If your actually over the ex than they shouldn't even be a factor.
Posted: Wednesday, November 13, 2013 11:29:06 PM

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None at all if you committed to a new partner you should except them warts and all

Posted: Tuesday, December 3, 2013 7:28:29 PM

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Location: United States
On a "seeing them regularly" level, I don't think there is ANY place for exes in a relationship. Zero. None. There is no reason to maintain a "just friends" status or even maintain any kind of contact. It sucks, because I have lost some of my best best friends to dating me and breaking up. That's a risk you take when you date a friend.

That being said, I think there is some value to talking with your partner/bf/gf about things about you that you attribute to an ex. For example if your ex left you for another woman/man, perhaps you would find it useful to mention that if you still struggle with trust. I think there are valid things to discuss about your past relationships, but no reason for them to be lingered on or discussed with any frequency... only if relevant and appropriate.

Hope that makes sense.
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