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Guest
Posted: Thursday, April 04, 2013 11:22:57 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 659,516
Why is it that some guys claim to be Doms or Masters when all they really are is just aggressive phonies? They have no understanding of the lifestyle. They think domming someone is one sided where the submissive just gives and they abuse them not only physically, but emotionally as well?
A real Dom cares for, protects and gives their submissive what it is they desire, helps them to achieve their dreams and goals in life.
calling yourself a Dom or Master does not make you one, your actions will decide whether you are a true Master or not
Guest
Posted: Thursday, April 04, 2013 11:25:47 AM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 659,516
Agreed... and the same is true for many subs in reverse.
Ravyn
Posted: Thursday, April 04, 2013 12:20:08 PM

Rank: Cock Connoisseur
Moderator

Joined: 4/26/2010
Posts: 2,113
Location: Bend, United States
SirChameleon wrote:
Why is it that some guys claim to be Doms or Masters when all they really are is just aggressive phonies? They have no understanding of the lifestyle. They think domming someone is one sided where the submissive just gives and they abuse them not only physically, but emotionally as well?
A real Dom cares for, protects and gives their submissive what it is they desire, helps them to achieve their dreams and goals in life.
calling yourself a Dom or Master does not make you one, your actions will decide whether you are a true Master or not


This is all very true. On a site like this and many others you will find fakes, phonies, posers whatever you wish to call them. It's not only the ones who pretend to be Doms/Master's but there are those who pretend to be submissive/slaves as well. It is so important to really get to know the person first. Most no here are are into the instant gratification of roleplay and that is fine but most tend to confuse the two.

Those who are in the lifestyle know and especially those who desire to be, should really do their homework. I am a firm believer that knowledge is power. Know what you are getting into before you commit to anything. Being blindfolded by one you trust 100% is intoxicating and sensual, but going into something as deep as a D/s relationship with blinders on......is completely different and most importantly.....dangerous.

I hope many read this and the other helpful threads in this section and ask many many questions before entering into such a relationship. Its not only the submissive/slaves who get hurt but the Dom/Master's do as well.

Guest
Posted: Thursday, April 04, 2013 12:48:45 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 659,516
Thanks for you comments and contributing, hopefully it helps those starting out on either side
jerseylynn
Posted: Thursday, April 04, 2013 8:09:23 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 8/10/2009
Posts: 1,387
Location: around and about Hell, United States
Here Here well said!!! Amen to A/all that have posted above.

I have seen so many claim a status that they have no clue, understanding or knowledge of. For Dom/mes it also takes training of some kind nobody wakes up and says i'm going to take a submissive and know what to do with them and how to protect, nurture and guide them without first learning. I personally want to know how long One has been in the lifestyle, how many submissive, why they separated, what kind of training was involved, rules, punishments and so on.

Another thing is that overlooked is the submissive and how they act in public. A submissive is a representative of their Dom/mes. I have seen some horrendous behavior that i look at the Dom/me and respect shifts depending how the situation is handled. A submissive learns from their Dom/mes in all ways from talking to punishment. I see a submissive show no respect to the One they have given their submission to and I see a Dom/me run around chasing them. No submissive should like punishment as that means they have disappointed their One they gave their submission to. To disappoint should be the worst feeling. A submissive should strive to always make their Dom/me's proud.

There is a huge difference between Cocky know it all and one that is approachable, considerate and doesn't think they are above others. A good Dom/me educates and helps the submissive grow.

Anybody can claim a status but how you present yourself is how you are judged worthy of that title.

No one can make you jealous, angry, vengeful, or greedy -unless you let him.
- Napoleon Hill
overmykneenow
Posted: Friday, April 05, 2013 8:59:06 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 6/8/2010
Posts: 1,217
Location: United Kingdom
SirChameleon wrote:
Why is it that some guys claim to be Doms or Masters when all they really are is just aggressive phonies? They have no understanding of the lifestyle. They think domming someone is one sided where the submissive just gives and they abuse them not only physically, but emotionally as well?
A real Dom cares for, protects and gives their submissive what it is they desire, helps them to achieve their dreams and goals in life.
calling yourself a Dom or Master does not make you one, your actions will decide whether you are a true Master or not


Because a number of women here (especially those who have joined in the last year or so) don't actually want a master, they want a romanticised abuser, they want Christian Grey.

These women may want to work through their Elektra complex or rape fantasies - they don't want to be what you think a sub is.

All they really want is a bit of forceful sex. They don't need a "master" for that, just someone who's a bit "take charge". Most of them will be happy enough just having their head tugged back by their hair, pushed over a desk and having the words "cum for me now" growled into their ear.

Warning: The opinions above are those of an anonymous individual on the internet. They are opinions, unless they're facts. They may be ill-informed, out of touch with reality or just plain stupid. They may contain traces of irony. If reading these opinions causes you to be become outraged or you start displaying the symptoms of outrage, stop reading them immediately. If symptoms persist, consult a psychiatrist.

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SeaSiren
Posted: Friday, April 05, 2013 9:57:06 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 2/19/2013
Posts: 733
Location: Gulf Coast, United States
Oh you've hit a nerve for me as I have experienced this!


Something else you might want to take into consideration: Just because men have the inner drive or desire to be a Master, or have a dominant persona, that doesn't mean they are born knowing how to do it. Men have to learn how to Master a woman, in the same way that women have to learn how to serve a man. In the same vein, I might have a really strong desire to cook, but unless I read a few cook books or watch my grandmother cook or go to cooking school, I'm not liable to do a good job of it. The problem is that most men have trouble admitting (to themselves as well as to others) that they need help learning to do something. You know the old saying: When in doubt, read the directions?

Warning Signs of the NonDominate:

1) Controlling behavior due to fear of losing their partner.

A) Isolating the submissive from family and friends
B) Discouraging self sufficient behavior
C) Not allowing any social interaction which does not include the dominant
D) Out of control jealousy

2) Explosive temper

3) Behaves like a spoiled child when not getting his/her way

4) Abuses drugs/alcohol

5) Does not take responsibility for mistakes

6) Uses unhealthy behavior to gain control over the submissive

A) Emotional blackmail
example: Keeping the submissive in a constant state of fear that the relationship will end if they don't get their way.

B) Emotional Withdrawal
example: Using the "silent treatment" or physically withdrawing and cutting off all contact rather than communicating and taking responsibility for the situation.

C) Withdrawal of affection

Refusing any/all intimacy as a punishment which can be quite damaging and reinforces the fear that the submissive will lose the relationship unless he/she gives into this type of blackmail.
Guest
Posted: Friday, April 05, 2013 10:16:09 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 659,516
Great replies, all.

Of course much can be perspective as well on many of the issues pointed out.

Some other things to consider for the opposite side of the coin......

Warning Signs of NonSub:

1) Claims of submission but constant refusal to be submissive. It is not about control, but role.

2) Claims of giving of one's self, but then not committing to it unless it suits their needs or desires at that time.

3) Choosing a Dom but then not putting that Dom first, or as a top priority. This leads one to believe that the sub is only after a thrill and not truly committed.

4) Makes claims of their Dom being jealous or "overly" jealous to cover up what looks to be bad behavior on their part. This diverts blame when in fact blame might be had by one, or both.

5) Claims of explosive temper after calmer attempts at communication and sharing have been tried and ignored.

6) Abuses alcohol/drugs (or is on medication to control moods, or what have you)

7) Uses unhealthy behavior to elicit discipline or a reaction from their Dom.

8) Claims of wanting open and honest communication, unless that communication does not feel good or fit their desires. This is dangerous and can cause a lot of issues for both.

9) Behavior that openly disrespects their Dom, more so in public view.

Now granted, again, much of those can be perspective as well. So choosing the right Dom/sub is crucial. Exceptions MUST be known, and frankly, honored. If not, there can be hard feelings, just like in any relationship that really was not a good match.

But I still believe that there are a lot of Doms and subs on this forum that fall under the heading of "fashion" or "fantasy" but not really into it, or as fully as others are. So everyone needs to keep all things in mind when looking to pair up.
overmykneenow
Posted: Friday, April 05, 2013 10:17:43 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 6/8/2010
Posts: 1,217
Location: United Kingdom
@ seasiren - that's pretty much the checklist for a narcissistic personality - which nails it on the head perfectly

Warning: The opinions above are those of an anonymous individual on the internet. They are opinions, unless they're facts. They may be ill-informed, out of touch with reality or just plain stupid. They may contain traces of irony. If reading these opinions causes you to be become outraged or you start displaying the symptoms of outrage, stop reading them immediately. If symptoms persist, consult a psychiatrist.

Why not read some stories instead

NEW! Want a quick read for your coffee break? Why not try this... Flash Erotica: Scrubber
SeaSiren
Posted: Friday, April 05, 2013 10:27:58 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 2/19/2013
Posts: 733
Location: Gulf Coast, United States
Very much egocentrism at its best!
Guest
Posted: Friday, April 05, 2013 10:34:01 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 659,516
Now we must also remember that there are two sides to every situation and often times how it is presented is not quite accurate. And what one person might find to be one way, another might not. Perspective and complete honesty are important, as with all things. Again, finding the right match is CRUCIAL. Not doing so can cause some real problems.

I am sure things have been posted here that will help everyone in the future.
Poppet
Posted: Friday, April 05, 2013 11:58:51 AM

Rank: Sweetest Cricket

Joined: 10/5/2012
Posts: 5,524
Location: On A Wishing Star, United States
I think everything that was said in this forum is true. On both sides of the Dominate side, and the submissive side. You just need to actually get to know someone before throwing yourself into a D/s relationship with someone. Because even if you are both TRULY in the Lifestyle doesn't mean you'll click. It's a lot like dating in the vanilla scene. There HAS to be a connection, a spark, something that lights the fire between the both of you.

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ You Inspire Me Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ
Ravyn
Posted: Friday, April 05, 2013 12:34:10 PM

Rank: Cock Connoisseur
Moderator

Joined: 4/26/2010
Posts: 2,113
Location: Bend, United States
Poppet wrote:
I think everything that was said in this forum is true. On both sides of the Dominate side, and the submissive side. You just need to actually get to know someone before throwing yourself into a D/s relationship with someone. Because even if you are both TRULY in the Lifestyle doesn't mean you'll click. It's a lot like dating in the vanilla scene. There HAS to be a connection, a spark, something that lights the fire between the both of you.


That is so true for those who truly want and desire the lifestyle. If there is no spark or no connection its merely going through the mindless motions of something. Having a spark and a connection makes things so much more intense and deeper as with any relationship.

Those who merely want to roleplay dont take the time it truly does to form a D/s relationship. Anyone can say 'I love my hair pulled and being told what to do during sex' that does not constitute being submissive. That is tantamount to enjoying rough sex and the same goes for the otherside when the guy just wants o assert his muscles so to speak.

Arm yourself with as much knowlege as possibe and get to know the person to see what is there if anything BEFORE you even consider a D/s relationship.

Jonathans_Fantasies
Posted: Friday, April 12, 2013 6:16:03 AM

Rank: Gentleman Master

Joined: 3/6/2013
Posts: 1,855
Location: God's Deep Freezer, United States
This is a subject very near and dear to My heart as well. Unfortunately, there isn't a "school" that teaches one how to be a proper Dom/Domme. And it is far too easy for someone to put a title in front of their name and think that makes them a Dom/me or sub.
I have seen more people hurt, confused, and broken from players and wannabes than I care to think about. What has been posted above is all good information and I would add that communication and discussion is the most important thing when it comes to beginning a D/s relationship - whether you are brand new to the scene or a long time participant. Anytime you start a relationship, expand your interests and views while in one, or make any changes to your D/s relationship, you must talk to each other and discuss, analyze and understand each other. I cannot stress the importance of constant, open, honest communication - it is a building block for any relationship and especially one as serious as D/s.

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HanoverPhist
Posted: Friday, April 12, 2013 10:42:21 AM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 2/19/2013
Posts: 35
Location: State of Confusion, United States
I have read all of the posts in this forum. I have to agree with most of what is being said. I also feel that modern technology is the one that must take the blame. Several have mentioned that there is no school for this kind of stuff. I contend that there is, or at least there was. Not too many years ago, when our lifestyle was not proliferated by the internet, there was a system of self policing. One had to hang around, get known by someone. If they were able to pass the initial tests, perhaps they may be invited to a gathering. Perhaps after a few gatherings play may ensue.
Another thing that has gone by the wayside is starting from the bottom. Maybe you knew you were destined to be a Dominant. You still had to spend your time on the bottom. Reason being is to learn what that is like so that when you have charges of your own you have some kind of reference. That time may have been short, but not only did you have the experience to guide you but you had other experienced people, from both sides, to guide, help, and instruct you. Those people watched and let you know when you fucked up. And when you fucked up you had to fix it, those people were there to make sure that things got fixed. If you got listed as bad player or a manipulative bottom you were out. Turn in your beanie and your tie tack.
Today, most play spaces and groups ask for little more than an ID. Any Joe/Jane Schmuck can put up a website proclaiming themselves the GREAT AND POWERFUL MASTER BATOR. Then it’s simply getting enough people to climb on their bandwagon with them. I actually witnessed an occasion where a gentleman walked into a public play space, to meet his play date for the evening, and asked what the floggers hanging on the wall were for. When he was informed, his retort was, “Oh, so that’s what I’ve been online for all these years.”
I apologize for the rant and I shall now get off my soap box.
sprite
Posted: Friday, April 12, 2013 11:27:13 AM

Rank: Her Royal Spriteness
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i could never give myself to someone if there wasn't more to it then simply the roles of Dom(me) and sub. that's me, obviously, but i do scratch my head when i see others doing it. this, more then any other relationship, requires SO much trust. it goes beyond just a spark for me. there has to be friendship first. i've been in several bdsm relationships. the ones that work, the one that is working now, that has been working for over a year, is based on friendship and genuine care. the ones that are just based on sex, like most relationships just based on sex, usually fade when the couple finds nothing else in common. if a Dom(me) doesn't genuinely care for their sub, isn't doing this out of wanting to fulfil their subs needs, then it's already broken. bdsm relationships are NOT about being selfish - they are about being selfless. my former Mistress, now my sub, taught me that. she's a very wise little kitty. i'm her Mistress, now, because that's what SHE needs and i do it because i care about her needs more than my own (not that i'm not getting a LOT of enjoyment out of this myself. mmmm).



Live, love, laugh.
Ravyn
Posted: Friday, April 12, 2013 3:43:39 PM

Rank: Cock Connoisseur
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Posts: 2,113
Location: Bend, United States
sprite wrote:
i could never give myself to someone if there wasn't more to it then simply the roles of Dom(me) and sub. that's me, obviously, but i do scratch my head when i see others doing it. this, more then any other relationship, requires SO much trust. it goes beyond just a spark for me. there has to be friendship first. i've been in several bdsm relationships. the ones that work, the one that is working now, that has been working for over a year, is based on friendship and genuine care. the ones that are just based on sex, like most relationships just based on sex, usually fade when the couple finds nothing else in common. if a Dom(me) doesn't genuinely care for their sub, isn't doing this out of wanting to fulfil their subs needs, then it's already broken. bdsm relationships are NOT about being selfish - they are about being selfless. my former Mistress, now my sub, taught me that. she's a very wise little kitty. i'm her Mistress, now, because that's what SHE needs and i do it because i care about her needs more than my own (not that i'm not getting a LOT of enjoyment out of this myself. mmmm).



I agree Rachel the D/s relationships that for in the matter of hours on here make me shake my head in disbelief. That is nothing more the the causal hookup for sex or roleplay. NO relationship can form in the matter of hours although many think differently on here. Ones submission is a gift and should only be given to someone whom cares and loves the one offering it. It is something that one receiving it should cherish deeply and protect that gift with everything they have. That can only come with time, trust, communication and genuine desire. I agree that it starts with a friendship and builds from there, whether it be online or in person, at least that how things work for me.

VanGogh
Posted: Saturday, April 13, 2013 4:59:21 PM

Rank: Sarcastic Coffee Aficionado

Joined: 2/10/2012
Posts: 3,389
Location: Vancouver, Canada
SeaSiren wrote:
Warning Signs of the NonDominate


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IronRaven
Posted: Saturday, April 13, 2013 5:28:47 PM

Rank: Rookie Scribe

Joined: 4/7/2013
Posts: 4
Location: United States
I think one thing W/we all must remember is instant access sites like this are the equivalent to a free concert in the park (with a lil more nudity). Even ppl who aren't really into the music may stop in just to check it out ..and if they see someone there who they think is hot...they may ACT like they enjoy it more to try to hook-up.

Not to mention the fact that there are a huge percentage of ppl who are "occasionally kinky" instead of "Lifestyle Oriented"
HanoverPhist
Posted: Sunday, April 14, 2013 12:58:18 PM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 2/19/2013
Posts: 35
Location: State of Confusion, United States
IronRaven wrote:
I think one thing W/we all must remember is instant access sites like this are the equivalent to a free concert in the park (with a lil more nudity). Even ppl who aren't really into the music may stop in just to check it out ..and if they see someone there who they think is hot...they may ACT like they enjoy it more to try to hook-up.

Not to mention the fact that there are a huge percentage of ppl who are "occasionally kinky" instead of "Lifestyle Oriented"


Well said. Ain't it the truth.
SweetPenny
Posted: Sunday, April 14, 2013 3:24:21 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 6/15/2010
Posts: 1,274
Location: State of Confusion
I will end communication with a Dom who speaks to me as if I belong to him before I have agreed to such a relationship. Just because I am A sub that does not mean I am YOUR sub. I prefer Doms who are patient and wait for me to offer my submission to them. This tends to weed out the abusers. They make some stupid comment about me not really being a submissive and then they go on their merry way prowling for a weaker submissive.
Ravyn
Posted: Monday, April 15, 2013 1:21:35 AM

Rank: Cock Connoisseur
Moderator

Joined: 4/26/2010
Posts: 2,113
Location: Bend, United States
SweetPenny wrote:
I will end communication with a Dom who speaks to me as if I belong to him before I have agreed to such a relationship. Just because I am A sub that does not mean I am YOUR sub. I prefer Doms who are patient and wait for me to offer my submission to them. This tends to weed out the abusers. They make some stupid comment about me not really being a submissive and then they go on their merry way prowling for a weaker submissive.


This happens ALL the time, especially here on Lush.......

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