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Poll Question : Please choose the most accurate statement!
Choice Votes Statistics
Scenario 1: based on legend of statements below 3 13 %
Scenario 2: based on legend of statements below 0 0 %
Scenario 3: based on legend of statements below 2 9 %
Scenario 4: based on legend of statements below 3 13 %
Scenario 5: based on legend of statements below 9 40 %
Scenario 6: based on legend of statements below 3 13 %
Scenario 7: based on legend of statements below 0 0 %
Scenario 8: based on legend of statements below 2 9 %

The Commitment Poll - Settled vs Soulmate Options · View
Dancing_Doll
Posted: Saturday, August 17, 2013 7:10:15 AM

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Please chose the most appropriate scenario. This poll is for people who are married, common-law, ex-common-law or divorced only please. For those that have been married/common-law multiple times, please answer based on your first serious commitment.

Discussion is welcome - but I know it might be more comfortable for people to answer anonymously as well. :)

Legend of Scenarios

Scenario 1: I settled when I got married and now the marriage is thriving
Scenario 2: I settled when I got married and now things are very average
Scenario 3: I settled when I got married and now I’m unhappy in the marriage
Scenario 4: I settled when I got married and now we’re divorced

Scenario 5: I married my soulmate and I’m still extremely happy & fulfilled
Scenario 6: I married what I thought was my soulmate and now things are very average
Scenario 7: I married what I thought was my soulmate and now I’m unhappy in the marriage
Scenario 8: I married what I thought was my soulmate and now I’m divorced



Definitions:

** ‘Settled’ in this poll means that you weren’t madly in love with the person but found admirable qualities in them and wanted to settle down in general. They weren’t your ideal mate but it was a pragmatic decision. You followed your head more than your heart.

** 'Soulmate' in this poll means that you were madly in love with the person, at least at some point, and felt a certain sense of ‘meant to be’. You feel like you got your ‘dream mate’ in terms of romantic love and desire, even if the situation itself wasn’t perfect and/or posed challenges. You followed your heart more than your head.



SereneProdigy
Posted: Tuesday, August 20, 2013 4:34:48 PM

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I always wonder why so few people answer these polls. All they would have to do is vote anonymously.

I couldn't answer myself as I'm not married or engaged, but I still find interest in this.

Just to open up the discussion, I'd say that personally I would never marry someone I don't consider my 'soulmate'. Whether the objective is personal happiness or raising a family, I think a great amount of complicity is the key to success. Of course, a perfect match is sometimes hard to find, but I just couldn't settle with a random girl for the sake of convenience.

I also couldn't tolerate an unhappy marriage. I'd seriously look for a solution if I ever end up in such a situation, may that be counselling or divorce.
c50t
Posted: Tuesday, August 20, 2013 6:26:45 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

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Location: United States
I answered #5. But it's always difficult to sum up a relationship in any one sentence. The truth is that I did marry the woman who is the love of my life. But the journey through 20 years of marriage has had some moments that I wouldn't trade for anything. It's also had some points in time that I would give nearly anything to erase.
Living things are either growing, or dying. These states are both forms of change.
We are still working on our marriage. It's still growing. There are things in our lives that we have only just discovered and are relishing together. There are pieces of us that have changed drastically over the years. It takes intentional time and effort to keep our relationship aligned and aimed at going through our entire lives side by side, working together, loving each other the best we can.
I think the romantic vision of being swept off your feet every happily-ever-after day is a false picture. Sure, romance is amazing. I'm actually (ahem) an amazingly romantic kind of guy. I love all that comes with that fairy tale epic.
But at the same time, you have to understand that some days happen where you can't see any way to get back to that beautiful princess, or knight on a charger. There are too many diapers, deadlines, or daggers happening all around you.
I'm so glad we stayed committed. Not committed to marriage - that would be determined, but cold. We remained committed to each other. We held that vision, that if we kept working through everything we may come out at the end with something golden. We were wrong. It's been more than twenty years, and what we have is worth far more than gold.
She knows my warts, and can still look me in the eye and say "for better or worse." I have walked through her depression, and still am, and I love her "in sickness and in health."
It's going to take more work, and more time, and more adventures. Some will be very romantic. Some will be scary. All will be worth it when we get to keep that last vow "till death do us part."
sprite
Posted: Tuesday, August 20, 2013 10:41:32 PM

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#5 - for those who don't know my story, we had to fight to get married. we're a lesbian couple, married since Dec 2012, shortly after it became legal in the state of Washington for us to marry. it's been something that'd been on the plate for 2 + years - in my mind it would happen, it was just a matter of when - i have been in love with this girl, my wife, for longer than then the 5+ years we've been together as a couple, and we've been best of friends for 13 years now. in someways we've slowed down a little, enjoying time spent at home as a couple, but still very much in love - i can't imagine that every changing - we've already been thru all the hard stuff and we've come out the other side. love is a beautiful thing.



Love not hate.
scarlet
Posted: Tuesday, August 20, 2013 10:54:48 PM

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#5 too. It isn't perfect but I don't think that any marriage or relationship is. There have been times in the last few years I could have picked 6 or 7.. maybe even leaned towards 8 at one point. And although I don't like the term soul mate he is the person I'm in love with and have been in love with for 9 years. I can see myself happily and joyfully living the rest of my life with, through the good and bad times.
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, August 21, 2013 8:07:14 AM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 781,118
I'm very surprised No 5 is way out in front. It would be interesting to see a poll like this, but have an average age group for each scenario. I voted for No 8 and divorced earlier this year at 29. I was married for 5 years.
Ardentmale
Posted: Wednesday, August 21, 2013 8:14:52 AM

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I voted for number 4... Lacking confidence years ago caused me to do what every one else thought was right...

characterized by intense feeling; passionate; fervent

Intensely devoted, eager, or enthusiastic; zealous

vehement; fierce burning, fiery, or hot
Dancing_Doll
Posted: Wednesday, August 21, 2013 8:28:28 AM

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trinket wrote:
I'm very surprised No 5 is way out in front. It would be interesting to see a poll like this, but have an average age group for each scenario. I voted for No 8 and divorced earlier this year at 29. I was married for 5 years.


It actually surprised me too!


I put up the poll mainly because I'm curious about the reasons people make commitments and if there's any kind of correlation to future happiness or longevity.

I have this argument with friends all the time - those that think it's more pragmatic to follow your head and pick a good mate based on various criteria and others that feel like unless their whole heart is into it and they're truly madly in love, they're not interested.

Quite often I find the latter types often end up going through tumultuous relationships over and over again with lots of highs and lows while those that picked pragmatically (ie. good provider, security, educated, attractive, good timing, family likes them etc) often seem bored eventually and are prone to affairs.

Both types (the 'follow your head' vs the 'follow your heart' crowd) always argue that the other has it all wrong when it comes to long-term commitment. On occasion I'll see the 'pick with your heart' person switch things up because they're fed up and just want to settle down so they'll take a different approach. I've always wondered how easy it would be to do that when you're not really programmed with that mindset initially.

The poll is a little flawed though, as others have said, because time does change which one you might pick. But it still gives a little insight and paints an interesting picture. Thanks to those that have answered! :)


Coco
Posted: Wednesday, August 21, 2013 8:53:27 AM

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I know I'm going to take a lot of flack for this, but I'm honestly not convinced that I believe in the term soul mate. I believe that two individuals who are in love and decide to share their lives have to be adult and committed enough to make it work, with work. I don't have an stirring love story, we took a pragmatic approach to our relationship and it turned out spectacularly! I didn’t want to date my husband, the dude grew on me to the point that I, quite honestly, had to fuck him. And then, the love smacked me upside my head.

I voted scenario #1, together 5 years or so (I'm bad at dates) and married a little over a year.




sprite
Posted: Wednesday, August 21, 2013 9:06:32 AM

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Dancing_Doll wrote:



Quite often I find the latter types often end up going through tumultuous relationships over and over again with lots of highs and lows while those that picked pragmatically (ie. good provider, security, educated, attractive, good timing, family likes them etc) often seem bored eventually and are prone to affairs.


although not the reason i married her, somehow i managed to fall in love with a woman who has all the qualities. as for her, well, she kind of got the short end of the stick, but for some reason, she likes me anyways. :)



Love not hate.
SereneProdigy
Posted: Wednesday, August 21, 2013 9:21:02 AM

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Dancing_Doll wrote:

I have this argument with friends all the time - those that think it's more pragmatic to follow your head and pick a good mate based on various criteria and others that feel like unless their whole heart is into it and they're truly madly in love, they're not interested.

Quite often I find the latter types often end up going through tumultuous relationships over and over again with lots of highs and lows while those that picked pragmatically (ie. good provider, security, educated, attractive, good timing, family likes them etc) often seem bored eventually and are prone to affairs.

To be honest, I don't believe in such a dichotomy between 'pragmatism' and 'romanticism'. I think 2 different scales are being confounded in that belief :

1- How much you can be objective about your relationship
2- How much you love someone

These are independant and are not opposite to one another, in my opinion.

Me personally, being somehow analytical, I'm always pragmatic even when I'm deeply in love (which is not necessarily always a good thing). In that sense, I can be both 'pragmatic' and 'romantic', not one or the other. I think what you describe is something different :

- People who don't have high personal standards and can settle with a partner without intense feelings (I have nothing agaisnt that, really)
- People who have a hard time being objective (lack of experience/maturity?) and have a distorted vision of their partner/relationship

I don't think anybody in their right mind would choose a partner they don't love much over one they deeply love, simply for the sake of remaining 'pragmatic'.

In the case of someone mature and objective, I think love and pragmatism will be linked anyway. If the qualities you mentionned are perceived pragmatically (good provider, security, educated, attractive, etc) love would most probably be triggered too, according to how much or how well these qualities are met. What exactly would trigger love otherwise?

Then again, as I've mentionned, people who lack objectivity will overlook/amplify such 'qualities' because they feel the need to be in love at all cost. These people could be considered 'in love with love', rather than 'in love with their partner'.

Just my opinion, if that makes any sense.
Dancing_Doll
Posted: Wednesday, August 21, 2013 9:24:07 AM

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sprite wrote:


although not the reason i married her, somehow i managed to fall in love with a woman who has all the qualities. as for her, well, she kind of got the short end of the stick, but for some reason, she likes me anyways. :)


Yeah, I mean when you do really fall madly in love, they probably will have those traits (hopefully). But sometimes you find that person that looks really good on paper but it's just missing that 'chemistry' or 'spark'. I've had this happen in the past and friends think I'm nuts for passing certain guys up because they hit all the typical checklists of being a great guy... and yet, sometimes something is missing.

As far as "following the heart" goes, it's not like I have a great track record though - so sometimes I debate who's right and who's wrong. I often preach to friends that if it's not right, it's not right, no matter how perfect the other person is on paper - but then I start thinking - maybe this whole 'manic love' thing is destined to burn out faster (or just as fast) anyway. Except then - when logic sets in you might be even worse off if you discounted the important things because of the whole 'love is blind' thing.

And Coco - I agree - I don't really use the term soulmate and not sure I believe in the concept either. For this poll it was just the easiest way to sum up a kind of love that is more intense and feeling rather than thinking and logical.


Dancing_Doll
Posted: Wednesday, August 21, 2013 9:42:35 AM

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SereneProdigy wrote:


In the case of someone mature and objective, I think love and pragmatism will be linked anyway. If the qualities you mentionned are perceived pragmatically (good provider, security, educated, attractive, etc) love would most probably be triggered too, according to how much or how well these qualities are met.


Not for all people though. We all see (or experience) cases where someone claims they are madly in love with someone that is just not good for them. Right now I have a friend, for example, that has yanked up her life and moved to a different city to be with a BF that is wishy-washy about what he wants and treats her poorly and her family can't stand him and her friends think he's bad news, but she is dead-set on pursuing the relationship because "I am in love and you guys just don't understand! He's a good guy - you're just not seeing it in the same way I do." In the meantime, she could have any guy she wants and during their last break up there was a much better (and cuter!) guy around that had a real job and was really into her and seemed solid... but no, she rejected him to chase after this other dumbass. Clearly she's following her heart over her head.

Now - this is obviously one of the bad examples. I know these people aren't taking a 'mature and healthy' approach and may just crave that high that comes with complicated love, but stuff like this is actually quite common with a lot of people. I've experienced it myself - investing in a guy that is logically a bad choice because I thought I was in love and the relationship was 'exciting' when it was good.

Really for the poll I've lumped in 'follow your heart over your head' as encompassing both the positive and the negative because it's really just based on the outlook of the person at the time they make that commitment.

And yes, I've known plenty that have made the commitment based on purely pragmatic choices. Not that they dislike the guy - but it's not that red-hot manic love thing you get with some couples. My friends have just said that it's the 'smarter' approach and that the intensity fades anyway so it's better to be more logical than emotional. They'd rather have the guy who can provide them with security and be a good future dad rather than the guy that makes their heart skip a beat or gets their panties wet when he walks into a room.

The ideal will always be to have both, but most people will have a tendency to put more weight of importance onto one or the other.


sprite
Posted: Wednesday, August 21, 2013 9:48:34 AM

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bottom line is, realistically, smart money is on a combination of both. there NEEDS to be a spark, i don't thin there's any question in my mind about that - that doesn't mean you are just friends, but a real electric spark there. that said, i think it's also important that you have a very real friendship in there as well, and that you do take into account some of the 'mundane stuff'. are you madly in love, but they're a drunk or an addict? are they unreliable? have they a history of burning through romantic involvements? are they a loser in whatever sense of the word you wish to apply it? that stuff will all come into play at some point in your relationship. it should. but, on the other hand, if they look good on paper, and their's just no chemistry there, at some point you're going to go looking for the spark elsewhere, it's only natural.



Love not hate.
LadyX
Posted: Wednesday, August 21, 2013 10:05:24 AM

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#1

The more time passes, the clearer my own reality gets. I have a fantastic ability to bullshit myself and others, and only after I'm removed from a situation can I see it for what it really is.

I got knocked up by a man that took it very seriously, which alone was a big deal to me. Full disclosure: I wasn't altogether sure it was his at first, either. He was a charming guy (in his own way...heh), and I kind of held him at arms length for a long time. But once we both knew it was his, things changed. We began to date seriously; he took care of me (in every meaningful way but financially), and I fell in love with him. We got married when our child was five months old; it was one of the happiest days of my life.

We separated in mid-December, just before Christmas, then slowly found our way again as the winter faded away. We did therapy. More importantly, I do therapy LOL. But seriously, both helped out enormously. And now, having gotten together due to an unplanned baby, gotten married, gotten separated, and now, rediscovered what we have, I realize that I'm incredibly blessed. We have our areas of tension. We bicker. Occasionally, we have to 'go cool off' for a while. But we love each other intensely.

I don't believe in a single soulmate either, for that matter, but if the question is: did I get the fairytale start-up romance? Not even close. But unlike the princess that gets rescued by her knight in shining armor, or swept away by her prince, we've worked hard to earn the relationship that we now share.
sprite
Posted: Wednesday, August 21, 2013 10:12:13 AM

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LadyX wrote:
The more time passes, the clearer my own reality gets. I have a fantastic ability to bullshit myself and others, and only after I'm removed from a situation can I see it for what it really is.

I got knocked up by a man that took it very seriously, which alone was a big deal to me. Full disclosure: I wasn't altogether sure it was his at first, either. He was a charming guy (in his own way...heh), and I kind of held him at arms length for a long time. But once we both knew it was his, things changed. We began to date seriously; he took care of me (in every meaningful way but financially), and I fell in love with him. We got married when our child was five months old; it was one of the happiest days of my life.

We separated in mid-December, just before Christmas, then slowly found our way again as the winter faded away. We did therapy. More importantly, I do therapy LOL. But seriously, both helped out enormously. And now, having gotten together due to an unplanned baby, gotten married, gotten separated, and now, rediscovered what we have, I realize that I'm incredibly blessed. We have our areas of tension. We bicker. Occasionally, we have to 'go cool off' for a while. But we love each other intensely.

I don't believe in a single soulmate either, for that matter, but if the question is: did I get the fairytale start-up romance? Not even close. But unlike the princess that gets rescued by her knight in shining armor, or swept away by her prince, we've worked hard to earn the relationship that we now share.


probably a good time to point out that just because they are a 'soulmate' doesn't mean it it's all easy. we've had our ups and downs, our trials, our moments of 'is this going to work', plenty of lows along with the highs, but the thing is, we work hard through those lows, cause it's worth it. sometimes it means doing things i don't want to do, sometimes it means getting hurt, but yeah, that's part of ANY relationship, no matter how perfect.



Love not hate.
Coco
Posted: Wednesday, August 21, 2013 10:40:44 AM

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LadyX wrote:
#1

I don't believe in a single soulmate either, for that matter, but if the question is: did I get the fairytale start-up romance? Not even close. But unlike the princess that gets rescued by her knight in shining armor, or swept away by her prince, we've worked hard to earn the relationship that we now share.


Very well said, Xuani.

Let me clear something up before my better half reads this. When I say that I settled, I don't mean that I settled for a lesser man that didn't suit me. I settled inside, I grew tired of the single lifestyle. I wanted to slow down and come home to one man. I settled in that I wanted a life with him, and despite the very logical decision we share a passion that is undeniable.

Sometimes you just gotta cover your ass to save your ass.




Mazza
Posted: Wednesday, August 21, 2013 10:52:43 AM

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I chose scenario 3

Nothing to see here...
SereneProdigy
Posted: Wednesday, August 21, 2013 11:06:50 AM

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Dancing_Doll wrote:

Not for all people though. We all see (or experience) cases where someone claims they are madly in love with someone that is just not good for them. Right now I have a friend, for example, that has yanked up her life and moved to a different city to be with a BF that is wishy-washy about what he wants and treats her poorly and her family can't stand him and her friends think he's bad news, but she is dead-set on pursuing the relationship because "I am in love and you guys just don't understand! He's a good guy - you're just not seeing it in the same way I do." In the meantime, she could have any guy she wants and during their last break up there was a much better (and cuter!) guy around that had a real job and was really into her and seemed solid... but no, she rejected him to chase after this other dumbass. Clearly she's following her heart over her head.

Now - this is obviously one of the bad examples. I know these people aren't taking a 'mature and healthy' approach and may just crave that high that comes with complicated love, but stuff like this is actually quite common with a lot of people. I've experienced it myself - investing in a guy that is logically a bad choice because I thought I was in love and the relationship was 'exciting' when it was good.

"In the case of someone mature and objective(...)"

This is why I stated this applied mostly to people who are mature and objective. The girl you describe doesn't seem mature or objective about her relationship, at least if she intends to pursue it to deeper levels of commitment (settling seriously, family, etc). Love is still triggered in her case, but not all the factors are considered ; she can see qualities in this guy, but also overlook his faults.

I think being mature/objective/pragmatic simply implies being aware that there are qualities in a person that appears only when given a certain perspective (stability, faithfulness, involvement, etc) while others are more directly apparent (attractiveness, sex, emotionnal reciprocity, shared interests, etc). Someone lacking maturity or objectivity would give greater importance to the latter, and might overlook the former, so I can see your point. I too fell for those 'traps' at some points in my life. In my opinion, some people also 'enjoy' not paying much attention to the former, as they feel it would compromise their definition of a 'pure heartful love'.

Personally, I try to process all these qualities as a whole, and therefore judging someone's attractiveness is just as pragmatic to me as judging their financial viability.

Also, sometimes it can be hard to define what is a good candidate from one that's not, even when being objective. Out of the qualities you mentionned, maybe only a few might be met, but the mutual emotionnal reciprocity might be so strong it can compensate for a lot of lacks. It also depends a lot on what type of relationship you're looking for at this particular moment of your life. A superficial/sexual relationship can be a pragmatic choice if this is what the person was seeking initially.

Dancing_Doll wrote:

Really for the poll I've lumped in 'follow your heart over your head' as encompassing both the positive and the negative because it's really just based on the outlook of the person at the time they make that commitment.

And yes, I've known plenty that have made the commitment based on purely pragmatic choices. Not that they dislike the guy - but it's not that red-hot manic love thing you get with some couples. My friends have just said that it's the 'smarter' approach and that the intensity fades anyway so it's better to be more logical than emotional. They'd rather have the guy who can provide them with security and be a good future dad rather than the guy that makes their heart skip a beat or gets their panties wet when he walks into a room.

The ideal will always be to have both, but most people will have a tendency to put more weight of importance onto one or the other.


I can see your point once again. I think there are qualities that develop over time too, while some others might fade. Reciprocity/mutual understanding can increase as the couple ages, while sexual excitement can slowly diminish. With time, people also feel more emotionally attached to each other when they've been through a lot together, so this can compensate for the lack of an initial 'crush'.

Still, I think it can be hard to predict how the relationship will develop, so my belief is that a great deal of initial 'love' and complicity is therefore important. You also feel more inclined to invest in a relationship when you have more initial feelings for your partner.

But honestly, as I've said, I find it hard to believe someone would be purely cerebral when choosing their partner and not give much importance to emotional attraction. I'm quite 'cerebral' myself, and I could never choose my life partner with a simple list of pros and cons. Emotional attraction would be a huge part of the pros anyway, even if I tried to be purely objective.

Somehow, I feel people who say they made a pure pragmatic choice just couldn't find someone they felt a great connection with, and are nonetheless accepting the fact that a less romantic candidate can also be a viable option. Maybe they also try to 'justify' their relationship by saying that 'being pragmatic' was their personal/initial choice.
MadMartigan
Posted: Wednesday, August 21, 2013 11:32:53 AM

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LadyX wrote:
#1
I don't believe in a single soulmate either, for that matter, but if the question is: did I get the fairytale start-up romance? Not even close. But unlike the princess that gets rescued by her knight in shining armor, or swept away by her prince, we've worked hard to earn the relationship that we now share.


If nothing else, this is what I can agree on. While a romantic at heart, I'm also a pragmatist at heart. I also think that the line of thinking where "you only have one soulmate" is self-destructive.

I like to think everyone has a set of mutually compatible souls. They can come from anywhere, look like anyone, and have a wide array of interests. They may be rich, they may be poor, they may be middle class. They may have big dreams and work their way into a stable financial life. Not made of money, but enough. Or maybe they've achieved their goals. They can be black, white, asian, hispanic.


The point is, I think you're lucky if you find one of these compatible souls. You're even luckier if one soul mate fails and you're able to find another, this time the one you can settle down forever with.

I also tend to think soulmates are "made" not destined. Someone BECOMES your soulmate down the line. They don't start out that way, but that's how they end up. You have shared interests. They can make you smile without trying. You can go hit the pavement or gym together and at the same time, have a quick night of reading. I believe in a healthy balance of similar interests and things you don't have in common to maintain HEALTHY tension and allow yourself to grow alongside the person you've ended up with. I mean, we all like to be surprised in a good way right? I should hope everyone has an interest in continuing to grow. Remaining stagnant is boring.

I think "settling" has a bad connotation connected to it. If implies going in that you could have done better. Now, I think it's possible to settle and end up falling madly in love with that person.....But honestly, if you're going to commit to someone, you should be able to feel it. Not just go through the motions. Ya know?

At least, that's my pragmatic, romanticized vision of love and soulmates.

I don't think I've ever been in love. Not really. I mean, there was a time in college I THOUGHT I was falling in love. But, that got confused with sexual tension, a broken relationship on her part, my subconscious (flaw?) to want to heal the girl, and a deep infatuation and sparks when we touched but....Needless to say that went down the shitter in a span of 3 weeks and never recovered.

To end my silly rant, I'll use a quote from one of my favorite authors.

"Too much looking can get in the way of seeing." - Trying to 'find' your soulmate can blind you to truly amazing men or women. They may not be perfect in the literal sense. No model looks, or millions in the bank. Again, "too much looking" for qualities. Those are superficial reasons to love someone. I know we all love those things and are key to attraction, but money and looks aren't love. I guess I like to think you'll know it when you know it.

And I won't analyze this next one. I'll just type it out. Think what you want about it, my lovelies. We all have brains right?

"We love what we love. Reason does not enter into it. In many ways, unwise love is the truest love. Anyone can love a thing because. That's as easy as putting a penny in your pocket. But to love something despite. To know the flaws and love them too. That is rare and pure and perfect."


There. Now I'm officially proven the kind of romantic I am.Embarassed
VanGogh
Posted: Wednesday, August 21, 2013 11:34:28 AM

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Posts: 3,900
Location: Vancouver, Canada
(in retrospect) I chose #4 .... I married a man whom I thought would be an excellent provider, a fabulous father (he has a great career, an amazing large family) ... we enjoyed many similar interests (participating in various sports, watching sports, foodies, having dinner parties, travelling, fishing, time (lots) with both families and our own) .... it was quite a life. I must say, no man has ever made me laugh like he did. When we married, I was very much in love with him - I didn't think he was my "soulmate" ... but thought we would definitely last because of our similarities in how we lived life.

But, when we had a huge stressor (his gambling addiction) .... I didn't love him ENOUGH to be able to forgive him for putting his family ... our family .... in such great risk .... we lost everything ... and more. It took me about 8 years to pay off part of his gambling debt that I had to take on as my own as part of our divorce settlement.

I have only had in my life one "beloved" ..... the man I thought was my soulmate (not my husband). I now do not believe there is a soulmate for me.

MadMartigan
Posted: Wednesday, August 21, 2013 11:43:48 AM

Rank: Raised on Blackroot

Joined: 6/17/2013
Posts: 2,206
Location: United States
PersonalAssistant wrote:
(in retrospect) I chose #4 .... I married a man whom I thought would be an excellent provider, a fabulous father (he has a great career, an amazing large family) ... we enjoyed many similar interests (participating in various sports, watching sports, foodies, having dinner parties, travelling, fishing, time (lots) with both families and our own) .... it was quite a life. I must say, no man has ever made me laugh like he did. When we married, I was very much in love with him - I didn't think he was my "soulmate" ... but thought we would definitely last because of our similarities in how we lived life.

But, when we had a huge stressor (his gambling addiction) .... I didn't love him ENOUGH to be able to forgive him for putting his family ... our family .... in such great risk .... we lost everything ... and more. It took me about 8 years to pay off part of his gambling debt that I had to take on as my own as part of our divorce settlement.

I have only had in my life one "beloved" ..... the man I thought was my soulmate (not my husband). I now do not believe there is a soulmate for me.


That's kind of depressing. Though understandable when you think you love someone deeply, but an addiction butts its way in. You can be amazing in every respect, but there are certain things that make the whole tower crumble to dust.

As for no soulmates for you? I hope you don't believe that. But again, I guess it is hard to understand why some people think they have only one possible soulmate in a planet of billions of people. Anything can and will happen. Sometimes people just wait longer than others.
tango48
Posted: Wednesday, August 21, 2013 1:16:44 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 5/6/2008
Posts: 202
Location: islamabad, pakistan
i married for what i thought was a turning point in my life, turned out that was a wrong assumption.

so neither settled
not soulmated
just wasted!

if, 'to be or not to be' is the question - then how is E=MC^2?
SereneProdigy
Posted: Wednesday, August 21, 2013 3:00:19 PM

Rank: Cryptic Vigilante
Moderator

Joined: 7/16/2013
Posts: 2,811
Location: Into the Unknown
MadMartigan wrote:

There. Now I'm officially proven the kind of romantic I am.Embarassed

You've also proven you're quite a smart guy. My thoughts exactly. This is the perfect complement to my previous posts.

Nice post!
Wilful
Posted: Thursday, August 22, 2013 3:29:17 AM

Rank: Devil's Advocate
Moderator

Joined: 6/15/2013
Posts: 1,467
Location: Digging a hole on the beach, Australia
There's a lot of room between "extremely happy" and "very average"...hmmm...fuck! We've strayed into #6. Only just though. And we're putting the work in to get back into the sweet spot.

As others have already said, it's far from black and white. My wife and I started off long distance, putting us in the position where we emotionally invested in each other before we had a chance to physically connect. If we'd met conventionally...well, what if?

On paper, my wife is an absolute fucking train wreck. Don't get me wrong, I'm far from perfect, but holy hammers! I probably should have run a mile, but in my heart I know she's the one for me. Fuck it!

I was recently chatting to an old bloke who had been married for over fifty years, and he said, "I never once thought about divorce, but I did think about murder." That sums it up perfectly.

If I can worship at the Church of Dr Phil a moment, I think it comes down to whether or not they make you feel safe. Everything else is bullshit.

Please take a look at my latest story, Banging for Roof.

And for a sexy little rush of Adrenalin, pick yourself up a copy of the Lush Summer anthology.
Guest
Posted: Thursday, August 22, 2013 6:15:01 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 781,118
For years it was #5 - but has moved to #6
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