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apainter
Posted: Sunday, September 15, 2013 9:02:32 PM

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Location: toronto
Why would a guy be obsessed with having his lover come visit only for a very specified time. No one else is in the picture, no meeting job ect to rush off to. And yet there is a specified time to be out by. And sometimes it's hard to deal with. Will have spent a wonderful afternoon, evening, then it's "" ok you have to leave in 5 minutes" clothes get carried to the couch and a reminder is given to ""focus"". We have had many a negative outcome over this, and it is still a problem to the point where we do not get together because of this separation issue. It is always in this direction, I am never rushing him, even if I do have a shot amount of time available. Any reflections on this particular " always a bachelor"" attitude. Is this very unusual or not?
c50t
Posted: Sunday, September 15, 2013 9:58:24 PM

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Highly unusual behavior. There is a reason. The question is - what is the reason? You seem to imply that it's strictly a need for control of the situation. Highly unlikely. But even if it's true, it would be in need of some serious self-examination.
How well, and how long, have you known this guy? Are you sure he isn't married, or in a relationship?
With the information you have provided, something smells funny here.
tango48
Posted: Monday, September 16, 2013 12:06:50 AM

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Location: islamabad, pakistan
strange to say the least, as they say Cherchez la femme!

if, 'to be or not to be' is the question - then how is E=MC^2?
Metilda
Posted: Monday, September 16, 2013 5:36:59 AM

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Joined: 3/10/2013
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Location: United States
Does he have anything else he does so habitually by the clock? Ask him.

Reminds me of my ex (boyfriend) who had a bit of - I wouldn't say disorder - but a mental 'consition' and he was insanely tedious over time. Like - everything was scheduled in his day by the clock. Of course things happened out of sync and it would ruin his mood.

I found it intolerable because I rarely notice the time

Guest
Posted: Monday, September 16, 2013 5:59:48 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 659,505
Sounds to me like you're not his only girlfriend.... I would guess it has nothing at all to do with remaining a bachelor, nothing to do with anything you do or don't do.... Are the times you do get together similar each time? and for a similar length of time?

You're a better woman than me, I would only let him rush me out the door once if it were me.
Jinxy
Posted: Monday, September 16, 2013 6:36:25 AM

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Joined: 10/10/2012
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Location: In His Heart, United States
I'm gonna go wit wut Trinky said, cos it makes the most sense. No one deserves that. Id ask him bout it, tell him to explain. Unless ur ok wit that treatment.

†Jinxy Approved†

apainter
Posted: Monday, September 16, 2013 2:15:27 PM

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Joined: 10/20/2011
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Location: toronto
Thank you all for your thoughtful answers,
first of all there is no one else in the picture,this I know, so that is not the issue. He is very into efficiency, even in his time with me, is he a distant or non present lover, not at all. But his need for controlling everything, being efficient even when we are just relaxing together is omnipresent and our time together is planned in advance because of this fact. He knows that I have become very upset about it, and has made efforts to be "more gentle", and has said to me that he starts preparing my departure one hour in advance, which in my mind really hurts because he is feeling that he wants me gone an hour in advance of the fact, and we are not talking about spending 6-8 hours together, often it is 3 or 3.5. I am so, (too) attached to this man, really love him, and sometimes feel loved back, when I can pretend this part doesn't exist. It upsets him too when I relay my feelings and his response is to say well I need to protect us both so you can't come over for a while", then I feel like I am being "punished" for voicing feeling hurt.
Dancing_Doll
Posted: Monday, September 16, 2013 4:02:51 PM

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apainter wrote:
It upsets him too when I relay my feelings and his response is to say well I need to protect us both so you can't come over for a while", then I feel like I am being "punished" for voicing feeling hurt.


This part is his way of saying "don't get emotionally attached to me. If this upsets you then we need to take a step back and cool things down until you have perspective again"... in a warped way, he's thinking he's protecting you from getting too attached and ultimately getting hurt by placing expectations on him and the relationship.

I suspect you probably walk on eggshells a bit with him so as to not tip him over the edge or trigger his douchey behaviour. You probably don't tell him what you want in the relationship and I'll bet you don't tell him how much you care and how invested you are in this. If you aren't saying these things, he thinks he's doing nothing wrong. From his perspective - you are totally cool with everything when you're not placing demands on him and just clearing out at his whim. This is what he will fall back on if/when this blows up. He will claim that he had no idea you were so emotionally attached in the first place and that hey, he didn't make any promises or lead you on.

Your best bet is to say what you want and what you won't tolerate and let the chips fall where they may. If he walks, then consider the benefits of not wasting anymore time with him and involving your heart more than you already have. Cause really - if he's going to walk over you saying you don't want to be treated this way, this wasn't much of a relationship to begin with. It's kind of like putting off the inevitable. It's going to hurt however it happens but at least you're doing it on your own terms.

Dirty_D
Posted: Monday, September 16, 2013 4:18:49 PM

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Dancing_Doll wrote:


This part is his way of saying "don't get emotionally attached to me. If this upsets you then we need to take a step back and cool things down until you have perspective again"... in a warped way, he's thinking he's protecting you from getting too attached and ultimately getting hurt by placing expectations on him and the relationship.

I suspect you probably walk on eggshells a bit with him so as to not tip him over the edge or trigger his douchey behaviour. You probably don't tell him what you want in the relationship and I'll bet you don't tell him how much you care and how invested you are in this. If you aren't saying these things, he thinks he's doing nothing wrong. From his perspective - you are totally cool with everything when you're not placing demands on him and just clearing out at his whim. This is what he will fall back on if/when this blows up. He will claim that he had no idea you were so emotionally attached in the first place and that hey, he didn't make any promises or lead you on.

Your best bet is to say what you want and what you won't tolerate and let the chips fall where they may. If he walks, then consider the benefits of not wasting anymore time with him and involving your heart more than you already have. Cause really - if he's going to walk over you saying you don't want to be treated this way, this wasn't much of a relationship to begin with. It's kind of like putting off the inevitable. It's going to hurt however it happens but at least you're doing it on your own terms.


This.
I know its not what you want to hear. You are making defenses in your head. but ultimately this is the advice you need to listen to and take.
Katje
Posted: Monday, September 16, 2013 4:29:57 PM

Rank: Story Verifier
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I'm with Dancing_Doll and naughtynurse on this one.

You've got a bit of a catch-22 here, and really, the only one to lose anything in this relationship is you. I really suggest you take DD's words to heart, because she's really got it spot on.

Good luck!

A few of my Recommended Reads:

(Simply click on any of the images to read my stories!)
apainter
Posted: Monday, September 16, 2013 7:20:52 PM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 10/20/2011
Posts: 21
Location: toronto
Dancing_Doll wrote:


This part is his way of saying "don't get emotionally attached to me. If this upsets you then we need to take a step back and cool things down until you have perspective again"... in a warped way, he's thinking he's protecting you from getting too attached and ultimately getting hurt by placing expectations on him and the relationship. ___

Wow I am impressed not only buy your talent as a writer, but also your capacity to pinpoint what is going on", he has repeatedly told me never to expect more from him than a ""special"" friendship which I am ok with for the most part, except it is always always him that decides what those parameters are. And yes we do discuss the imbalance of power in our relationship and those discussions are good until I just break down in tears, and sometimes he knows of the break down and feels that I am asking him to go beyond the boundaries and says that he feels awful and must protect himself and that comes in the form of staying away. Says that I also don't pick up on social cues about when to leave. Though he has admitted openly that he has serious control issues and is very very narcissistic. He knows how much I care, I wear my heart on my sleeve, he says "thank you" everytime.

I suspect you probably walk on eggshells a bit with him so as to not tip him over the edge or trigger his douchey behaviour. (Oh yes) You probably don't tell him what you want in the relationship and I'll bet you don't tell him how much you care and how invested you are in this. If you aren't saying these things, he thinks he's doing nothing wrong. From his perspective - you are totally cool with everything when you're not placing demands on him and just clearing out at his whim. This is what he will fall back on if/when this blows up. He will claim that he had no idea you were so emotionally attached in the first place and that hey, he didn't make any promises or lead you on.

Your best bet is to say what you want and what you won't tolerate and let the chips fall where they may. If he walks, then consider the benefits of not wasting anymore time with him and involving your heart more than you already have. Cause really - if he's going to walk over you saying you don't want to be treated this way, this wasn't much of a relationship to begin with. It's kind of like putting off the inevitable. It's going to hurt however it happens but at least you're doing it on your own terms.
apainter
Posted: Monday, September 16, 2013 7:29:09 PM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 10/20/2011
Posts: 21
Location: toronto
little_kitty wrote:
I'm with Dancing_Doll and naughtynurse on this one.

You've got a bit of a catch-22 here, and really, the only one to lose anything in this relationship is you. I really suggest you take DD's words to heart, because she's really got it spot on.

Good luck!



I know DD is right, so are you, but I am really attached and the heart wants what the heart wants, pain be damned. I think I am exploring an aspect of my personality and sexuality that is painful; about rejection; about body image. (I also have a physical handicap) also about being a different role than in the rest of my life.fish
apainter
Posted: Monday, September 16, 2013 7:35:02 PM

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Location: toronto
naughtynurse wrote:


This.
I know its not what you want to hear. You are making defenses in your head. but ultimately this is the advice you need to listen to and take.


Yes, you are probably right. Guess I am too afraid to say fully what I cannot tolerate, though he knows, I know he does not want to lose me either, though he hinted that if this stuff continues he might consider the "friend only"option. I told him that was not an option for me. And I still think of myself as a feminist whatever that means.
apainter
Posted: Monday, September 16, 2013 7:36:47 PM

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Thank you all again. Am I being just a coward?
apainter
Posted: Monday, September 16, 2013 7:38:45 PM

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Joined: 10/20/2011
Posts: 21
Location: toronto
Metilda wrote:
Does he have anything else he does so habitually by the clock? Ask him.

Reminds me of my ex (boyfriend) who had a bit of - I wouldn't say disorder - but a mental 'consition' and he was insanely tedious over time. Like - everything was scheduled in his day by the clock. Of course things happened out of sync and it would ruin his mood.

I found it intolerable because I rarely notice the time


How did you deal with that? Did he refuse to spend the night with you for example?
DrMcNasty
Posted: Monday, September 16, 2013 9:11:07 PM

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Joined: 2/12/2013
Posts: 179
Location: United States
Oh boy ... this is a tough one. There could be many reasons. What's the timeline like. You have to be out by midnight? ... Or is it earlier? If he spends the night with you and you leave in the morning, maybe he's got a kid ... and he's not ready to make you part of that yet. Maybe he's got issues with a girl living with him for one reason or another. He might not be ready for a serious attachment. There are a plethora of possible reasons for this. We humans are a complicated species. Our brains do weird shit. The more details you give the more we may be able to narrow it down.

Edit: Looks like all this has been done. That will teach me to read the previous posts BEFORE I write my own.
Metilda
Posted: Tuesday, September 17, 2013 9:45:59 AM

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Joined: 3/10/2013
Posts: 1,230
Location: United States
apainter wrote:


How did you deal with that? Did he refuse to spend the night with you for example?


Honestly, I couldn't stand it after a while because when things didn't go according to the time he allotted for it (work, drs appointments, a shopping trip, a phone call) he'd flip out a bit. Often, I was just his sounding post for when he wanted to rant.

Other than that, he was an awesome guy, which is the only reason why we were together even for a month.

Oddly, it wasn't noticeable at first, I just thought he was always punctual. LOL. Oi. But, he didn't have another girl or anything. He was just a time freak.

apainter
Posted: Tuesday, September 17, 2013 8:56:25 PM

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apainter
Posted: Tuesday, September 17, 2013 8:56:43 PM

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Joined: 10/20/2011
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Location: toronto
Hmmm. Thanks for the feedback. This is not only about time, but about being efficient, but for what? However, my friend has certain amazing characteristics that keep me really really attached, like his ability to listen, to see his flaws even if he cannot and does not want to change particularly. He is also an amazing lover and a very intelligent and deep person, we have been together, and have been thru a lot, for almost 2 years. I feel like he is my soul mate, a source of great joy, but also sorrow.
SydneySider
Posted: Tuesday, September 17, 2013 10:19:30 PM

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Sounds totally OCD if you ask me. I can't believe he gathers your stuff and has you leave. Wow..that's extreme. Unless you get to the bottom of it, you'll eventually reach breaking point..and not return..if if there is not some kind of equality with how much you put into the relationship, it will fail. It's just a matter of time.

Guest
Posted: Tuesday, September 17, 2013 11:59:57 PM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
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Sounds bizarre. Get a new "friend"
apainter
Posted: Wednesday, September 18, 2013 6:40:11 AM

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Joined: 10/20/2011
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Location: toronto
SydneySider wrote:
Sounds totally OCD if you ask me. I can't believe he gathers your stuff and has you leave. Wow..that's extreme. Unless you get to the bottom of it, you'll eventually reach breaking point..and not return..if if there is not some kind of equality with how much you put into the relationship, it will fail. It's just a matter of time.

the pretense is to help me focus, but it is really about control, he says he has healthy boundaries, then we come apart over if this issue in particular, and he replies that maybe he is just meant to be separate and isolationist, but when we talk about it in that context he becomes sad, really does. Also says that he can never has never experienced love, he says will never use that word in a context with me.

How can I let him know that there has to be a halfway point? A point where I feel there is some balance in the power dynamic?, he says he gets tired, needs to be alone and I don't pick up on the ''cues", but deep down it is because he just wants to make sure that he is always in total control of his environment. He is a solitary person, but is very devoted to me, acts and does things for me that show me that. I know this experience is also a way for me to deal with rejection, something that has been a combat for me my whole life
Wow, I have spilled a lot. Guess I needed to write this out, thank you for reading btw
Shaman
Posted: Wednesday, September 18, 2013 9:29:55 PM

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ask him
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, September 18, 2013 9:44:53 PM

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I'd run...as fast I could.
buttercup2u
Posted: Thursday, September 19, 2013 3:19:11 AM

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Just a couple of questions for you....What would happen I you stayed beyond the allotted time? Do you only meet at his place? Is this really good enough for you?

Quite personally, I think he seems to be self absorbed and perhaps even selfish requiring you to leave by a certain time. His obsession with time may be just one of his little quirks, but do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who isn't truly committed to you? Someone who is constantly pushing you away? From what I see here, he seems to be telling you that the relationship is strictly friends with benefits .... if you continue to see him, that is all it will likely ever be, there is an old saying about paying for milk when you already own the cow. Perhaps you should consider spending less time trying to force the relationship into what you want and should look elsewhere for the special man who will cherish the time that the two of you spend together. A man who will do things to prolong the time it takes to say good night at the end of the evening.

I think that if you continue to settle for what he is willing to give, then in the long run, you will end up resenting him. Especially if you are wanting more from the relationship. Not only do you risk resenting him in the long run, but you may ultimately appear unavailable to the one who will treat you the way your heart seems to be longing to be treated. You can still go back to being just friends with him and no benefits ....

If I were you, I would search my heart to decide if what you have with him is truly enough for you. Good luck!
Shaman
Posted: Thursday, September 19, 2013 9:48:46 AM

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Good answer my love very insightful
apainter
Posted: Friday, September 20, 2013 5:02:16 PM

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Location: toronto
buttercup2u wrote:
Just a couple of questions for you....What would happen I you stayed beyond the allotted time? Do you only meet at his place? Is this really good enough for you?

Quite personally, I think he seems to be self absorbed and perhaps even selfish requiring you to leave by a certain time. His obsession with time may be just one of his little quirks, but do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who isn't truly committed to you? Someone who is constantly pushing you away? From what I see here, he seems to be telling you that the relationship is strictly friends with benefits .... if you continue to see him, that is all it will likely ever be, there is an old saying about paying for milk when you already own the cow. Perhaps you should consider spending less time trying to force the relationship into what you want and should look elsewhere for the special man who will cherish the time that the two of you spend together. A man who will do things to prolong the time it takes to say good night at the end of the evening.

I think that if you continue to settle for what he is willing to give, then in the long run, you will end up resenting him. Especially if you are wanting more from the relationship. Not only do you risk resenting him in the long run, but you may ultimately appear unavailable to the one who will treat you the way your heart seems to be longing to be treated. You can still go back to being just friends with him and no benefits ....

If I were you, I would search my heart to decide if what you have with him is truly enough for you. Good luck!



very wise words and so hard to enact, have been really touched by everyone's thoughtful comments. Thanks
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