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Alexa8497
Posted: Tuesday, January 28, 2014 5:21:45 AM

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Joined: 10/12/2011
Posts: 15
Location: Australia
My husband and I have a great emotional relationship but when it comes to sex, it really falls short. We've been married for three years and we're both mid to late 20's.

We have sex once every three months, if lucky and it's been this way for 2.5 years. I've tried everything a can think of but it seems that he doesn't really like anything (including lingerie, costumes, role plays, sex anywhere but the bedroom, oral sex, toys).

I haven't let myself go, I still go to the trouble of trying to look and feel sexy every day.

He works from home so at times he might not shower for days and he will only brush his teeth if I mention it. Most nights I go to bed on my own. I know he's not depressed cos we've talked about this several times, it seems to have become a cycle.

It's getting pretty difficult keeping it together. I would never cheat on him but it's kind of hard to ignore my sexual needs...when a sexy guy walks by my hormones go crazy.

Any ideas? 
bluewolf12
Posted: Tuesday, January 28, 2014 6:58:22 AM

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Location: blackpool, United Kingdom
Sounds like depression, but if not then other is cheating working away alot , fed up with job, or hate to say it married life was sex always like this loss of sex drive could be health problems, but not showering takeing care of him self sounds like depression he just might not realise it
dpw
Posted: Tuesday, January 28, 2014 7:16:37 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 9/15/2013
Posts: 4,457
Location: Liverpool, United Kingdom
Alexa8497 wrote:
My husband and I have a great emotional relationship but when it comes to sex, it really falls short. We've been married for three years and we're both mid to late 20's.

We have sex once every three months, if lucky and it's been this way for 2.5 years. I've tried everything a can think of but it seems that he doesn't really like anything (including lingerie, costumes, role plays, sex anywhere but the bedroom, oral sex, toys).

I haven't let myself go, I still go to the trouble of trying to look and feel sexy every day.

He works from home so at times he might not shower for days and he will only brush his teeth if I mention it. Most nights I go to bed on my own. I know he's not depressed cos we've talked about this several times, it seems to have become a cycle.

It's getting pretty difficult keeping it together. I would never cheat on him but it's kind of hard to ignore my sexual needs...when a sexy guy walks by my hormones go crazy.

Any ideas? 

Well the answer is that it's not normal, in fact just the opposite.
What was he like before you married?
Has he always worked from home?
If he's become a slob, you have to get him to get out more. Even just nights out with his mates, they'll soon mention it to him.
As far as his sex drive goes, has it always been low and is it getting worse?
AGreyFoxxx
Posted: Tuesday, January 28, 2014 7:55:45 AM

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Joined: 7/20/2011
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Location: In your panties, ladies!, United States
Is it normal?? Definitely not!! And I speak from experience. My situation, however is due to age(mine) and menopause (hers) I'm used to it, but don't like it, hence, I too am on here regularly.
Continue to pamper yourself, for yourself! Don't let his disinterest pull you into his funk. Keep talking! Try and find out why he is the way he is.
And from the sound of it....he is most definitely depressed! Not engaging in personal hygiene is a sure sign of it.
seeker4
Posted: Tuesday, January 28, 2014 8:02:59 AM

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I know that he says that he is not depressed but I remain unconvinced. At that age and stage of the marriage, I was still pretty randy and into my wife.

Another possibility is the job is in a bit of rut. Home officing is not for everyone. Some need the structure and social environment of the office and I recall reading that home officing employees may be less likely to advance career-wise due to the lack of interaction. If he isn't going to work, then some other way to get out of the house may be necessary (nights out with you or "the boys", joining a community group or church if he's so inclined, and so on).

Outdoor time is often good for dealing with mood issues. Get out to the beach or hiking or whatever outdoor activities are in vogue down there (here at this time of year it would be skiing but I know enough about Australia not to suggest that).

Bluewolf mentioned health problems (and depression does count as one, by the way). Does he get regular medical checkups (not sure how Australia's system works; here they are covered by public health care once every 365 days)? That should catch anything obvious.

Keep communicating as best you can and see if you can probe a bit to see if something is bothering him about the job or in his personal life.

Good luck.


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Guest
Posted: Wednesday, January 29, 2014 1:08:35 AM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 700,412
It is NOT normal. I am not one to speak from experience of being married. But I am a guy and if I had readily available sex in my bed, I would take advantage of it as much as I could. But my ex's all have told me that they thought I was extra horny. haha. Have y'all thought about seeking counseling? Maybe going out to seek some activities that require y'all to work together?
Guest
Posted: Sunday, February 02, 2014 11:26:35 AM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 700,412
Think it not normal there if I had a sexy women I wont keep my hands off her not a lot would get done around the house either hehehe
tango48
Posted: Sunday, February 02, 2014 12:47:25 PM

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Joined: 5/6/2008
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Location: islamabad, pakistan
i work from home, and i take time and effort to give and have pleasure where due!
maybe you need to see what he does or better have him see a professional

if, 'to be or not to be' is the question - then how is E=MC^2?
1lush
Posted: Sunday, February 02, 2014 5:26:29 PM

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Joined: 3/16/2012
Posts: 798
Location: Eastern, United States
Even when I experienced depression, sex was the one thing that I craved. The closeness from it provided a sense of comfort for me. Maybe the best thing is get him to a dr. asafp
doctorlove
Posted: Sunday, February 02, 2014 6:23:55 PM

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Posts: 833
Location: United States
ask him if he would like to have a ffm threesome and just see what his response is. You will need to have a third person ready for the questions that he will have, but, or you can ask him if might know of anyone if he asked and see what he comes up with.
EzraWard
Posted: Sunday, February 02, 2014 7:36:37 PM

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Joined: 12/12/2013
Posts: 33
Location: United Kingdom
Something is definitely wrong, Darling. Keep trying to get through to him. Be straight. Be blunt. Tell him what you've told us.
pricklypear
Posted: Sunday, February 02, 2014 9:10:49 PM

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Location: somewhere over the rainbow, United States
kinda curious what you look like now. :B

but yeah...sounds like he needs to see a shrink asap.

Icarus32
Posted: Monday, February 03, 2014 12:38:49 AM

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Joined: 4/10/2012
Posts: 258
Location: Around, Canada
It doesn't sound like normal behavior to me, though I think the big question is are these new developments. When you two met, dated, and eventually married was he lax with hygene and self care? If the other aspects of his actions haven't changed then it may or may not be something mental. However if he has changed to become this way it could be mental or it could be that these factors are simply symptoms of a different issue. Perhaps he is unhappy with some aspect of his life or another, before you jump to the conclusion that its you though I would recommend trying to sit him down and have a heart to heart.

If you have a good enough reason to believe he could be going through something serious, especially if its depression or one of its relatives you really need to make sure he knows your there for him, and try to get him some help. People with emotional disorders can often suffer in silence or even rash or irrational decisions because of them, some of which can have extremely serious repercussions.

In the end though we really are just words on the internet from people with completely outside views into the situation. Take our advice and form your own plan of action, make sure its your decision and that you stand fully behind what you are doing.
Guest
Posted: Monday, February 03, 2014 4:48:03 AM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 700,412
Okay is it normal behaviour. Then yes it sadly is. If he is suffering from depression, loneliness at work, then this is normal.

Why is he working from home? Is he happy? Does he go out does he need routine? These as things you need to work out before he can move on. Remeber this is his issues not yours. Be patient and things will with help work out.
sluttracy99
Posted: Monday, February 03, 2014 4:54:34 AM

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Posts: 65
Location: Honolulu, United States
Research indicates sexual passion in a relationship diminishes after 2 to 3 years.
Howard4570
Posted: Monday, February 03, 2014 7:12:56 AM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 2/2/2014
Posts: 28
Location: NW...in a nice place, United States
knight_shadow wrote:
Think it not normal there if I had a sexy women I wont keep my hands off her not a lot would get done around the house either hehehe


I feel same as Knight Shadow. If I had a hot gf/wife my work would suffer.

No I would say he needs to get out of the house 3 times a week minimum. Send him to store for stuff you don't care if he brings home the wrong stuff just to get him out and about. Pack a picnic basket and take him to a park lake or in the woods.
drizdart
Posted: Monday, February 03, 2014 11:05:35 AM

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Joined: 10/20/2012
Posts: 22
Location: United States
Alexa8497 wrote:

We have sex once every three months, if lucky and it's been this way for 2.5 years. I've tried everything a can think of but it seems that he doesn't really like anything (including lingerie, costumes, role plays, sex anywhere but the bedroom, oral sex, toys).

Any ideas? 


Doesn't seem "normal" to me. Might ask him what triggers the "once" every few months, if you don't already know. Or ask him if there is something online that does get him excited, and ask to see what it is.

In addition to the "depression" possibility already mentioned, I had one friend who married and stayed married for about four years -- and then admitted he did it because his parents "expected" him to, but that he was homosexual.

Best of luck figuring out what is going on and finding some way to sort it out so that BOTH of you are happier.

marquis87
Posted: Monday, February 03, 2014 11:12:22 AM

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Joined: 11/18/2013
Posts: 17
Location: Limousin, France
Sadly, many of us find that our sex life dwindles after we have been together for a while, but after only 3 years that cannot be normal. For younger couples, work can get in the way of sex, but that does not appear to be be the problem here.

You are going to have to spell the problem out to him in words of one syllable, otherwise your marriage is unlikelyto have much of a future. It sounds as though some professional counselling might be the best way forward.


KOJA
Posted: Tuesday, February 04, 2014 6:09:41 PM

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Joined: 7/4/2012
Posts: 52
Location: United States
It sure sounds like DEPRESSION to me---the way you described it--- i believe you should both seek help,just because he thinks he doesn't have it doesn't make it true,hell nobody want's to be depressed but it happens!
Guest
Posted: Tuesday, May 27, 2014 6:52:17 AM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 700,412
Not normal. Talk to him and be honest. If that doesn't work, give him a reason to get jealous...see if that changes anything.
emersonbosworth
Posted: Thursday, May 29, 2014 6:22:47 AM

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Joined: 1/9/2013
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Location: United States
We always showered before going to bed, A habit I do every night still. as if something came up you was nice and fresh. Brushing your teeth is something you do a couple times a day if you care about your self. A little aftershave or smell pretty makes for a better relationship. I think lady this guy needs help. He's a nut and if he's not brushing his teeth and taking a shower something is wrong big time. I'd get a friend to help you out a woman needs fucked 2 or 3 times a week just to keep them from getting horny.
tom8o
Posted: Thursday, May 29, 2014 11:08:01 AM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 3/10/2014
Posts: 53
Location: United States
Not "Normal" in my opinion. I'm sure that must be a difficult situation to live with. Personal hygiene and a litte sex now and then is not too much to expect. I suggest a couple of counseling sessions (with a counsler of his choosing). An objective third party might be helpful.
CarlosL
Posted: Thursday, May 29, 2014 3:07:51 PM

Rank: Rookie Scribe

Joined: 2/20/2014
Posts: 8
Location: Denmark
it's not normal at all.

But talk to him and just say what you fell and how you see it, because i don't think he will be the one who picks up your signals.
If you go about and try to be sexy and makes something out of yourself and he doesn't even want to take a shower "wow" that's just too much, you better confront him or this will never change and you end up spending you time on someone you love but doesn't love you back.

We only live once so make the best out of it.

Maybe it's time to say goodbye to him.
Contemplater
Posted: Friday, May 30, 2014 5:17:59 AM

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Joined: 12/4/2013
Posts: 96
Location: New Zealand
Alexa, I see it has been more than five months since your initial post. Has your situation changed at all in this time?

It shouldn't be normal. My initial response, for what it's worth, would be to put the situation you described above to your husband directly - and ask him if he has an explanation for his apparent lack of desire for you.

As Slutracy said, sexual passion can diminish after two to three years. Sometimes that is not the case. Often the flame might have burned out. Sometimes there are other factors in play. Asking him directly might not give you the answer you want, or it might not give you any answers at all.

But if you really want to know, you should try asking him.

Best of luck. :-)

Sexual innuendo? I can keep it up all night.
Ace1047
Posted: Saturday, May 31, 2014 12:53:01 PM

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Joined: 8/24/2013
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Location: Elsworlds and What Ifs
If he's as depressed as I can get, then yes, it can severely tank your libido. Speaking again from experience (as an chronically depressed person (I got my anti-depressants on my desk) maybe he should see a shrink. I hate to play distant and anonymous psychotherapist, but from my experience, it's certainly normal for a depressed person to lose sexual drive, and lost hygienic drive.
-Source, I've been on anti-depressant pills for longer than I haven't.

And I've only begun fucking with you people.
At the end of the day, it's all math.
Ace1047
Posted: Saturday, May 31, 2014 12:53:04 PM

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Joined: 8/24/2013
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Location: Elsworlds and What Ifs
Fucking accidental double post. If a mod wants to delete this because I can't figure out how to, please do.

And I've only begun fucking with you people.
At the end of the day, it's all math.
1LovelyKinkyKitsune
Posted: Saturday, May 31, 2014 3:04:37 PM

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Joined: 3/5/2014
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I'm not a guy~ [saw too late AFTER I posted] but I have some experience. It can be a lot of things, but it sure ISN'T "good" if it is causing you unhappiness and things to be tense and unsatisfactory. I hope you both are working on this or have.

People can get into ruts. The mundane can cause apathy. Bad hygeine practices means he is not caring.

People have already asked one particularly valid question asking whether he was like this BEFORE marriage or not? {As I know from a personal experience how sudenly someone can change even RIGHT after marriage and be a totally different person!}

Still, there may or may not be actual reasons. I find that there are usually reasons, whether it is harder to discover and not surface ones: physical/medical, emotional/mental... Some people have hormone issues like low testosterone, and it may have nothing at all to do with you. (Then again it could have something to do with you or a mix~ but from what you have said I am hearing it sounds like it is more about him.) I would strongly suggest a check-up, a blood panel work-up for him and his testosterone level checked, AS WELL as some couples therapy with a professional. There are options to deal with this (and yes ~ without cheating).

I had a spouse who was "intimidated" by me "sexually" (first year of marriage), and his fears factored in immediately, as did a mental shut down, defensiveness and denial... it was very sad and fabricated in his own mind due to stress he put on himself and felt, and then his other issues of insecurity. He became unwilling to do anything about it or get help. :( That said, as just an example how we may play roles, sometimes unwittingly and unaware, but nevertheless, a word, or being unevenly matched in areas. It may not be anything we would see or know as a part that makes up their thinking, walls that can be put up, or subconscious thoughts of another person. People can project things on us too and if they let that - it can cause a lot of unwanted pressure or stress-fear, etc.

The best thing to is seek an unbias professional opinion and start getting help for both of your sake and for the marriage- the sooner the better, IF he is willing. If he is NOT willing, then there you would see part of another problem. It takes TWO people to make a marriage work and both people have to be willing, or there is not much you can do except seek counseling to get positive support and tools to help you deal with it and decide if you can, and how you can handle this the rest of your life, especially if it worsens, or if you need to take proactive steps and what you can do for your own feelings. I am sorry. I wish you both well.


ColletteXx
Posted: Saturday, May 31, 2014 4:41:26 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

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Location: United Kingdom
How about suggesting a weekly 'date' night, you both take the time and effort to dress yourselves up, get out of the house, and just talk. Sometimes a change in location can help.

Hope you can both work through the issues and resolve them.
Wilful
Posted: Saturday, May 31, 2014 5:11:05 PM

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Another vote from the cheap seats for counselling, if not for the both of you, at least for you. A good psychologist will be able to work with you to help you take the action that's right for you, whether it's finding a way to accept the situation, come up with strategies to change it, or assist you to move on.

As for "normal", don't get caught up on labels. What matters is what's going on for you, not everybody else. But for whatever it's worth, it's not uncommon.

Good luck.

Please check out my latest story, Adrenalin. Just one of the sizzling hot tales in the Lush Summer anthology.
hellhound1
Posted: Sunday, June 01, 2014 6:18:21 PM

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Joined: 3/12/2011
Posts: 16
Location: United States
Sounds like you two need a vacation from work. Go somewhere over a holiday weekend. Stay in the room and get to know each other again.
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