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Gf cheated on me. Second chance? Options · View
Jester2725
Posted: Thursday, April 17, 2014 1:55:00 PM

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Posts: 137
Location: United States
So my girlfriend and me have been going out for almost a year and everything was going great. We have not had sex, sexual things just not all the way, and she was out with friends and she went home afterward and one of the guys of the group came home with her because he didn't have anywhere else to sleep. Come to find out that this guy was her ex boyfriend who she did have sex with while they used to be going out. She told me for 2 days that nothing happened. Then admitted that they did have sex. Although I do love her I find it extremely hard to trust her at all. She says that it was a mistake and didn't mean for it to happen. Should I give her a second chance? Or end it now?
Dani
Posted: Thursday, April 17, 2014 2:56:39 PM

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Do you want to give her a second chance? Do you think there's still something there? Can you ever trust her again the way you did before she cheated? I mean fully trust her...because if not, that alone can make matters even worse. Is she as committed to you as you appear to be to her? Is she even interested in rebuilding the relationship? And if so, has she agreed to cut this ex of hers from her life? I'm not one to judge, but her saying 'It was a mistake and she didn't mean for it to happen' seems like she's not all that remorseful. Has she really owned up to it other than dismissing it as a mistake that should not have happened?

I ask all these questions because going into the rebuilding process of a relationship is hard. In fact, you're starting from scratch. It takes way more commitment and dedication to rebuild a damaged relationship than it does to begin a new one.Because of her infidelity, you're gonna question everything she says and everything she does. There's gonna be some lingering resentment on your part. There's going to come a time that she'll even resent you for what she did. I know that sounds ass backwards, but she's gonna grow tired of proving herself faithful. She may be all for making things right, but those things can get tiresome. But it's something she has to be willing to do until you guys get back to that point...assuming you guys overcome this. It's easier said than done.

It may seem easier to just forgive and forget, and you may want to do that. But the fact of the matter is, you won't. There's gonna be self-doubt. You're gonna constantly question how come you weren't good enough. I'm not trying to steer you away from working things out, but it can go either way. You guys are either gonna come out stronger as a result of you sticking things out, or struggling through a relationship rebuild may make things even worse between the two of you.

So, if you think she's worth a second chance, then I say go for it. If not, cut your losses. Mope as long as you need to, then hang out with friends, mingle and go out on some dates, and move on.

Proceed with caution, and I wish you all the best!




1LovelyKinkyKitsune
Posted: Thursday, April 17, 2014 6:44:19 PM

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Joined: 3/5/2014
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Jester2725 wrote:
She says that it was a mistake and didn't mean for it to happen. Should I give her a second chance? Or end it now?


Well, hopefully she learned and will not make that mistake again. It was a mistake in that she did something to you like that and after a year... waited a "bit" (not long though, but still was not truthful to begin)~ and it was a monogamous relationship. Normally I would not give any second chance with cheating. I just wouldn't. It isn't like I do not believe we all make mistakes or deserve chances, it is just that with "cheating" particularly, I do not think you should feel bad for not giving any second chances.

In this case I might make an exception, but if there is ANY reason she gives to not feel you are comfortable and respected and like she might be doing things that are not acceptable to you... I would not waste time arguing at all and I would part ways.

If you have already been upfront and discusssed what is okay and cool and what is not, then the rest is up to her. If you have not talked about how you feel about this stuff- now is the time for a talk.

It may be best to walk now, but I know that sometimes it is hard and we do not want to. Do you thikn she is someone you could trust again? Do think yourself gracious or in need to be, whether she should get a chance or not? You will have to be able to deal with it and move on, work through this, so that you CAN trust her (or any person). Once trust is broken it is very hard to get back in that relationship. If a person is going to cheat-they just will at any time regardless of relationship or committment. I don't want to give you the impression that you have to watch her like a hawk or dog her, but keep yourself aware if you should give her an opportunity. Do not be naive.


dpw
Posted: Friday, April 18, 2014 5:41:46 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 9/15/2013
Posts: 4,464
Location: Liverpool, United Kingdom
Jester2725 wrote:
So my girlfriend and me have been going out for almost a year and everything was going great. We have not had sex, sexual things just not all the way, and she was out with friends and she went home afterward and one of the guys of the group came home with her because he didn't have anywhere else to sleep. Come to find out that this guy was her ex boyfriend who she did have sex with while they used to be going out. She told me for 2 days that nothing happened. Then admitted that they did have sex. Although I do love her I find it extremely hard to trust her at all. She says that it was a mistake and didn't mean for it to happen. Should I give her a second chance? Or end it now?

You,re here, asking a question that you already know the answer to. Go with your gut feeling. A year without sex and then an ex comes along, an ex that she used to have sex with.
Whose decision was it not to have sex together? Nowadays a year is a pretty long time to wait for sex unless it's serious on both parts. That's been blown out of the water.
Me? I'd walk out the door and wouldn't look back. I might forgive but I'd never forget. There would always be a gnawing doubt eating away at my trust.
HeraTeleia
Posted: Friday, April 18, 2014 8:03:12 AM

Rank: Top Shot

Joined: 1/25/2014
Posts: 1,505
Location: Canada
Second chance? She never even gave you a first chance to fuck her, yet her ex comes trotting along and she willingly gives up to him what she's been refusing to give up to you? Yah. No. Wash your hands of her and be done with it.

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Guest
Posted: Friday, April 18, 2014 9:18:26 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 779,747
Jester2725 wrote:
So my girlfriend and me have been going out for almost a year and everything was going great. We have not had sex, sexual things just not all the way, and she was out with friends and she went home afterward and one of the guys of the group came home with her because he didn't have anywhere else to sleep. Come to find out that this guy was her ex boyfriend who she did have sex with while they used to be going out. She told me for 2 days that nothing happened. Then admitted that they did have sex. Although I do love her I find it extremely hard to trust her at all. She says that it was a mistake and didn't mean for it to happen. Should I give her a second chance? Or end it now?

WOW!!
You must be really stupid and/or gullible. The chance of her just happening to bump into snd fuck her ex bf. Really?? He's NOT so ex. You sir are playing the part of fool. Shes NOT. giving you sex, cause she's getting it else where and you are just ger puppet. Wake up!!
jollylolly
Posted: Friday, April 18, 2014 9:19:08 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 6/24/2012
Posts: 708
Location: Texas, United States
I think a year is a long time to wait to have sex in a relationship, and a very short reationship length to put up with cheating. I would end it. If she wants you back, let her work for it.
peachesncream5670
Posted: Friday, April 18, 2014 9:32:33 AM

Rank: Rookie Scribe

Joined: 3/26/2014
Posts: 4
Location: United States
Take it from one who has done that. She is just using you and does not care for you, it was not a mistake that just happened. If she cared for you she would not have let herself get into that position. She will continue to do it, and every time laugh at you behind your back, for being so stupid.
bowhunter5670
Posted: Friday, April 18, 2014 9:44:04 AM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 3/1/2008
Posts: 16
Location: United States
No, second chance! It was not a mistake that just happened. She should never allow herself to be in that situation in the first place. There are instances that I would consider a second chance, but this is not one of them. If you let her get away with it, she will do it again and again. She has NO respect for you my man. Move on, and find someone else, that really cares for you. It is not like you just started dating her, you have been together for a year. If you are really in love with someone, you do not put yourself in that situation, ever. You do not party with the opposite sex and never let them spend the night, unless that is what you really want, its just wrong. NO SECOND CHANCE, SORRY!My 2 cents
Guest
Posted: Friday, April 18, 2014 2:21:32 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 779,747
KinkyKimberly wrote:

WOW!!
You must be really stupid and/or gullible. The chance of her just happening to bump into snd fuck her ex bf. Really?? He's NOT so ex. You sir are playing the part of fool. Shes NOT. giving you sex, cause she's getting it else where and you are just ger puppet. Wake up!!


Lol don't hold back ;0)

But as the lady say's you are being used, get out while you can
dpw
Posted: Saturday, April 19, 2014 3:53:24 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 9/15/2013
Posts: 4,464
Location: Liverpool, United Kingdom
chgolf wrote:


Lol don't hold back ;0)

But as the lady say's you are being used, get out while you can

That was a first post as well, lol. One to watch out for in the forums.
Guest
Posted: Saturday, April 19, 2014 4:23:11 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 779,747
Running for cover now mate haha :0)
Jester2725
Posted: Saturday, April 19, 2014 5:58:21 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 4/11/2013
Posts: 137
Location: United States
Thank you everyone for taking time to reply. Most of the answers were thoughtful. Thankyou
babs103
Posted: Saturday, April 19, 2014 7:26:24 AM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 1/15/2014
Posts: 22
My first thought would be: Fuck her and leave her! Eventually, all that matters is if you still have feelings for her and if those feelings are stronger thatn the feelings of doubt
babs103
Posted: Saturday, April 19, 2014 7:26:26 AM

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Mysecret1
Posted: Saturday, April 19, 2014 7:37:04 AM

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Joined: 3/11/2014
Posts: 126
Location: Pa, United States
Absolutely. We all make stupid decisions from time to time for different reasons. The deciding factor would be if she cheated because of love for another.
Guest
Posted: Saturday, April 19, 2014 9:22:04 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 779,747
nope. once a cheater always a cheater
Magical_felix
Posted: Saturday, April 19, 2014 9:31:27 AM

Rank: Wild at Heart

Joined: 4/3/2010
Posts: 7,632
Location: California
Jester2725 wrote:
Should I give her a second chance?


Sure, just be prepared to give her a third and fourth chance too, maybe even a fifth and sixth chance.

Desperado
Posted: Saturday, April 19, 2014 10:01:21 AM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 4/2/2013
Posts: 26
Jester2725 wrote:
She told me for 2 days that nothing happened. Then admitted that they did have sex.


That speaks volumes
LASARDaddy
Posted: Saturday, April 19, 2014 10:22:02 AM

Rank: Story Verifier

Joined: 7/22/2013
Posts: 873
Location: Windsor, United States
Dani wrote:
Do you want to give her a second chance?


What Dani says is it.

It's all up to you! I am very much into commitment and if my wife, or girlfriend, admitted to that I could not trust them to not do it again because they are obviously not strong enough to to commit the same. If you both agree to enjoy it then it's what you both want and it's not a destructive thing. Just set the "Rules Of Engagement" and NEVER break them without discussion or your back in the same hole again.

It's called a partnership for a reason and I wouldn't after the lies, but that's me. An opinion.

Good luck with what you decide.

I am always a gentleman.
lacr0236
Posted: Saturday, April 19, 2014 2:40:25 PM

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Joined: 7/30/2011
Posts: 111
Location: South East, United States
Take it from a person still living it. You won't be able to forget. It will always be there. It might not be in the forefront but it lingers in the back of your mind. I don't know if trust can ever fully heal once broken (going on 3 years myself). If there is any consolation at least your not married with children. As others have said it does boil down to if your feelings are stronger than your doubts. Good luck, hang in there, and you are not alone. My 2 cents
Karranaz
Posted: Saturday, April 19, 2014 5:23:40 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 11/7/2013
Posts: 121
I'd say give yourself a chance not her. Then I realized matters of the heart are the hardest to decide on. Follow what you think is best for you.

doctorlove
Posted: Saturday, April 19, 2014 6:16:09 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 9/11/2012
Posts: 871
Location: United States
END IT.....
Dancewithme
Posted: Saturday, April 19, 2014 6:17:43 PM

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Joined: 10/22/2013
Posts: 3,022
Location: gypsy soul, Latchko Drom, United States
Jester2725 wrote:
So my girlfriend and me have been going out for almost a year and everything was going great. We have not had sex, sexual things just not all the way, and she was out with friends and she went home afterward and one of the guys of the group came home with her because he didn't have anywhere else to sleep. Come to find out that this guy was her ex boyfriend who she did have sex with while they used to be going out. She told me for 2 days that nothing happened. Then admitted that they did have sex. Although I do love her I find it extremely hard to trust her at all. She says that it was a mistake and didn't mean for it to happen. Should I give her a second chance? Or end it now?


Take it form the voice of experience. I did give her a second chance because I could not think of life without her, till she wanted a third chance.....it doesn't stop.
If she wanted sex she could have called you on the phone to come give her some.
She didn't call Y O U!!!
You see my good man, she didn't make the mistake. YOU DID. You trusted her in the first place.
Stop licking your wounds and move on...there IS far better down the road.

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Leiza350
Posted: Saturday, April 19, 2014 7:44:34 PM

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Location: ft myers, United States
Dump her...it'll never change
Guest
Posted: Saturday, April 19, 2014 8:12:13 PM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 779,747
I've been on both sides of this situation. If you feel you can forgive and put it behind you, then I say do it. But.....if and only if the two of you can talk openly and honestly about the situation. This can be much more complicated than it appears on the surface, and if you love her and she loves you, it's worth the effort to salvage the relationship. Not only do you need to truly understand why she did what she did, she needs to understand her own actions.

It does seem odd to me that an adult couple, together for a year would still be celebate, though it is a legitimate choice for those who opt for that. But, are you both making that choice?

I think if you are both committed to making this work, and are on the same page with the degree of commitment and exclusivity things can turn around. Talk to her!
AudriNichols
Posted: Wednesday, June 4, 2014 10:50:35 PM

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Joined: 6/4/2014
Posts: 291
Location: Bellingham, United States
She will never be faithful to you if she is still into her ex-boyfriend, which she obviously is, or she wouldn't have invited him to sleep on her couch in the first place.
Do you really want to be with a woman who:
1. Won't have sex with you?
2. Lies to you?
3. Is still sleeping with her ex?
4. Is not in love with you? (She's not if she is sleeping with her ex.)

Cheating is the most selfish thing a person can do in a relationship. It just shows she cares more about getting screwed than she does about you. Basically she took the trust that you gave her and threw it away. Why should she deserve a second chance to betray you? You know that old saying, once a cheater, always a cheater? If you take her back, and "forgive" her, then that only tells her that she can cheat on you any time she wants, and get away with it.

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Guest
Posted: Thursday, June 5, 2014 6:55:00 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 779,747
Unless you are prepared to go through the whole thing again, because it will happen again, lose her. Give her two weeks to pack and split.
JesseS
Posted: Wednesday, June 11, 2014 5:08:04 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/1/2010
Posts: 123
Location: United States
Cold, hard fact, the trust is gone, and for a very good reason, HER behavior! So therefore the relationship that may, or may not have, existed is over. Move on, yes it sucks, but trying to recycle a relationship will just make things worse.
VanGogh
Posted: Wednesday, June 11, 2014 7:42:52 PM

Rank: Sarcastic Coffee Aficionado

Joined: 2/10/2012
Posts: 3,889
Location: Vancouver, Canada
Jester2725 wrote:
Should I give her a second chance? Or end it now?




Go find someone who respects you and will be loyal to you. Life is too short for shit like that.

Good luck!
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