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Exes and/or Fuck Buddies AND Friends?? **HELP ME and/or SHARE YOUR STORIES** Options · View
DanishPastry
Posted: Monday, July 26, 2010 4:53:49 AM

Rank: Rookie Scribe

Joined: 2/9/2010
Posts: 5
So, my ex of a few years is also my really good friend. This isn't one sided - we honestly talk to each other about everything; other partners, troubles at uni, friend stuff, and just laughing and chatting too.

In the past, we've slept together, in and out of our relationship. At first, seeing we were both virgins, the sex was average, maybe even bad. But recently we had a period of about 4 weeks where we had sex on and off, a fuck buddy sort of thing, and it was truly fantastic. It was basically a rebound after coming out of a really difficult relationship on my part... and he was being supportive (and horny, but it was actually mutually initiated). We've also had about 3 other times where we slept together outside of a relationship. They all ended badly at the time, but every single time our friendship has come out intact, just the same or even stronger.

Now when he comes over we tend to hug heaps, and for aaaages, and snuggle up on the couch. I get the feeling that this may be indicating he wants something more again (as in sex, not a relationship). I wouldn't mind this - I'm not looking for a relationship at ALL right now!, but I'm honestly scared of having a big blow up again, or building my hopes up unconsciously for something more and then letting myself down, or initiating something but being blown off...

I need some advice. Should I start sleeping with him again?
Guys: how do you let a girl know you'd like to start a fuck buddy thing - without actually saying anything? (I need to know what the signs are, and when they're legit.)
Girls: how can you detach yourself from this sort of relationship? (Even though I don't want a boyfriend, I still have feelings for this guy, and I'm fairly sure they're not reciprocated in the same way.)
How should I initiate things? (I want to keep things carefree, fun and casual.)

Any help or anecdotes would be appreciated hello2

P.S yes, this is Robbie! (from my story Clumsy.)
Dancing_Doll
Posted: Monday, July 26, 2010 5:07:36 AM

Rank: Alpha Blonde
Moderator

Joined: 2/17/2010
Posts: 6,772
Location: Your dirty fantasy
You can't detach your emotions from this guy if he is your ex. That's why you cannot have a fuck-buddy relationship with him. You will end up emotionally involved again. I did this with an ex once... thinking the sex would just be a casual hook-up thing, but even after only a few times, feelings came back at record speed. We ended up getting back together again, and enjoying an even worse round of our first attempt at a relationship. Not saying it's the same kind of situation because I'm not sure why you broke up with him in the first place. My feeling on getting back together with an ex, is that it almost never ends well.. there is a reason you broke up in the first place and that reason will come back to the forefront again.

If you want a fuck-buddy, you have to find someone that you've never dated.... someone that you've met who you feel sexually attracted to, but for whatever reason would not contemplate dating formally (ie. maybe you have nothing in common, maybe some aspect of his personality irritates you, lack of intelligence, social skills, physical attractiveness, age etc.). That is the perfect person to have on speed dial. Once you develop feelings for your fuck buddy you start drifting into territory that will leave you vulnerable to getting hurt again.

In this case I'm not totally convinced you wouldn't be open to another relationship based on your wording, so maybe just talk and find out exactly what his expectations are. You are exes, so communication should be on a better level than if he was just some guy you hook up with at closing time at the clubs.

Good luck! icon_smile

LadySharon
Posted: Monday, July 26, 2010 12:10:11 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 10/5/2007
Posts: 2,167
Location: The Tundra, United States
I almost made that same mistake a few weeks ago by hooking up with an ex, only to find out that he wanted me back. DD has a point, though. If you want a fuck buddy, let it be somebody that you know you won.t get emotionally attached to.

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WellMadeMale
Posted: Monday, July 26, 2010 12:22:37 PM

Rank: Constant Gardener

Joined: 9/30/2009
Posts: 10,511
Location: Cakeland, United States
DanishPastry wrote:

I need some advice. Should I start sleeping with him again?
Guys: how do you let a girl know you'd like to start a fuck buddy thing - without actually saying anything? (I need to know what the signs are, and when they're legit.)


Ummm, why don' t you both just talk to one another like adults, instead of avoiding the conversation and guessing what the other is or isn't thinking?

'without actually saying' is, to me...extremely counter-productive. If you both are actually that close, as friends...this should not be any more difficult than asking one another, "Where would you like to eat, this evening, for dinner?"

Most intelligent people are introspective and doubt themselves while many fucktards are proudly over-confident. - a tip of the hat to Charles Bukowski
SweetPenny
Posted: Wednesday, July 28, 2010 12:26:04 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 6/15/2010
Posts: 1,274
Location: State of Confusion
If you have feelings for him but he doesn't reciprocate, then stay away. You can only get hurt.

I have met up with an ex for sex, but when I did, my feelings for him were already gone. So it really was just sex. And to be honest, it was okay but it wasn't that great because I enjoy the chase and the lead-up and you don't really get that when you fuck an ex. Personally, I'd rather find a new man-toy.
razial
Posted: Tuesday, August 03, 2010 2:24:58 AM

Rank: Rookie Scribe

Joined: 4/22/2010
Posts: 5
Location: Canada
well first time posting on this forum... and this i just have to say instead of sitting by reading topics.. dont continue the whole fuck buddy/sleeping with thing, im not sayign this out of personal experience cause i never had any opportunity at all but from how friends i have seen been with their exs they stayed with in that way, its pretty much a one sided feeling one just wants sex the other goes to for sex but hopes for more, and it doesnt work out as you guys already tried the whole "dating" many times over from you saying you guys were off and on(and in and out of relationship) if i got the context right, you guys just arent good for each other and for you, you might want more then just sex hence still having feelings.. its easier to do what dancing_doll said find a different person for sex as you wont lead yourself to another emotional hurt from the constant on and off datin, i see many people i know go through just cause it starts up again from just fuck buddies

oh if you happend to make what isaid out of this good if not im sorry i do have bad grammer and tried my best to make it understanding
perverse_cowboy
Posted: Wednesday, January 30, 2013 7:15:53 PM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 10/8/2011
Posts: 71
Location: West Central, United States
I'm hoping that now my wife is considering swinging again that we can find some new erotic fuckbuddies!
redhot363236
Posted: Wednesday, January 30, 2013 8:54:16 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 2/16/2011
Posts: 646
Location: United States
I think I'm going to agree with Dancing Doll
Sleeping with your ex- is emotionally risky, at best
Most of my fuck buddies were long time friends who had formed a deep bond of trust. We were both married, and getting together to share pleasures neither of us could get at home.
It carries risks of its own, but it's much better than fucking some guy you just met in a bar
Guest
Posted: Thursday, January 31, 2013 4:22:17 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 693,945
Personnally I think was you have been there you should not go back
BelleduJour
Posted: Thursday, January 31, 2013 5:17:41 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 11/13/2011
Posts: 1,507
Location: Canada
My ex-hubby, who, whilst we were married basically abandoned me sexually for far too long and ended up being a BIG reason why I ended it after more than 16 years together, started the same shenanigans until I realized he was trying to get back together with me. Sometimes the idea of hooking up with an ex seems tempting because it's something you're familiar with BUT when you have a history with them, it's VERY difficult to keep your emotions out of it. What ends up happening more often then not, is a never-ending merry-go-round of of emotions and issues that brought you together but ultimately also tore you apart. Just plain messy if all you want is a fuck buddy. Personally, I'd stay clear of your ex and look for a 'fresh' partner to have a NSA 'relationship' otherwise, I suggest you get your communication on and have that talk with your ex ASAP and see if you can't get on the same page. Good luck!

Guest
Posted: Thursday, January 31, 2013 6:58:08 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 693,945
It is very difficult to offer an informed response with one side of the story, however, I read your OP twice, and on both occasions I thought that perhaps your Ex may actually wish to have a relationship (rather than just sex) I of course do not know this, my advise would be to talk to him and see if you can get some kind of resolution to his and your feelings in relation to your relationship. I hope this doesn't seem too simplistic but talking is the key here, at least then you will have some facts hopefully rather than assumptions and guesswork. Go do the talking thing...as BDJ said, get your Communication on.
allenjames
Posted: Thursday, January 31, 2013 8:52:48 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 10/26/2012
Posts: 195
Location: United States
Frankly, I think the real answer has to be that it all depends and whatever you decide it's likely to be complicated.

I only slept once with my ex-wife after our divorce - she came to visit me at an overseas job site and I put here up in the huge house that came with the job. It was unclear to me why she was visiting, while it had been as close to a friendly divorce as I think you can get (no kids, preunups, or support demands) - the wound was still raw. Which may have been her reason for visiting because no sooner had she dropped her luggage in the guest room, she appeared in the doorway to my bedroom starkers. Today I wonder what it must have taken her to risk this - at the time I only marveled at her nerve - and the fact that she still looked pretty good and I remembered how good the sex could be. However, what happened was a lot closer to forcible sex than we'd ever had before as I took her offering pretty roughly, minimal to no foreplay and little attention to whether she was enjoying it. Put simply and crudely, I fucked her and that was all it was.

Curiously, the only fuckbuddy I ever had was her best friend - and we linked up after I got back from this same overseas job. We lived in the same small complex and were almost literally on call for each other - only a phone call away and almost always said yes. The sex was great, but there was almost no emotional content and it ended for me when she wouldn't commit to something more and for her when my ex-wife began asking about whether or not the two of us were an item.

So that's why I say it's likely to be complicated and your mileage will vary.

Best of luck what ever you do!

Ellen James

And what is love without lust when lust is better for loving
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