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When do you blow the cheating whistle? Options · View
LadyX
Posted: Tuesday, August 10, 2010 2:31:13 PM

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My cousin found out yesterday that her best friend is cheating on her fiancee', but still wants to go through with the wedding. She (my cousin) is pretty good friends with the groom-to-be, but not as close as she is to the bride, and yes she's in the wedding. She has spent the last few months helping her to plan it, and they have together gotten pretty creative on how to build a wedding on a low budget. The husband seems crazy about her, as he damn well should be if he's about to get married, so much so that he's buying her a new car on his own money as a surprise wedding present.

As for her, she says she loves him, but just has an on-the-side fling with this other guy, and it has nothing to do with what she wants out of life with her fiancee'. She's pissed at her for cheating, but feels that her loyalty is to her friend, since she's closer to her than to him, and because of that, she can't tell him what she's doing. She insists that if the tables were turned, and she found out that it was HIM cheating, she's be telling her friend about it in a heartbeat.

How would you guys handle it? How far does loyalty go in terms of protecting the other partner from finding out about infidelity?

Would you always blow the whistle in this situation, possibly nuking a wedding, but knowing the marriage was getting off on a pretty shaky start of dishonesty if you kept your mouth shut? Or would it depend on which one it was, and which one you were closest to? Just to clarify, this isn't a matter of hearsay, and trusting somebody else's word- you either found out about the cheating first hand, or you saw it with your own eyes.

What would you do?
Rembacher
Posted: Tuesday, August 10, 2010 3:29:37 PM

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Very interesting question which should get some heated results. That's a tough position to be in. I've never been in that exact situation, but if I was, I would encourage the bride-to-be to come clean, and let the guy decide whether he still wanted to be with her, before the wedding. Especially if they are going to get married, she's going to be friends with both partners, and is stuck in the middle. She shouldn't be forced to carry the secret, and have to always worry about revealing something to her (male) friend. Also, if she doesn't do that, the male friend will feel betrayed later.

Because of the fact she's closer to the bride than the groom, she can't betray her friend and tell, but she needs to do her best to try and get the bride to tell, or at the very least, to end the affair.
Dancing_Doll
Posted: Tuesday, August 10, 2010 3:31:09 PM

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I was in the exact same situation...

I was friends with the couple, but definitely much closer to my girlfriend, so my loyalties remained with her.

It's a hard situation to be in. Nobody wants to be the "fool" where everyone but you knows that your significant other is cheating on you. I actually was that fool once, and I was angry as hell that my so called "friends" didn't warn me about it. The thing was it was the guys that knew about it, and their loyalties remained tied to my ex-bf... So I get it now. It's a terrible place to be in, but I think it's widely understood that you will stand by your closest friend in these situations, at the expense of their significant other.

Going back to my girlfriend who cheated prior to her marriage (and after the wedding as well actually), I am there for her. I make no secret of the fact that I don't condone her behaviour, but she has shared her reasons for it lately, and to be honest... I can "somewhat" see her rationale for why she strays. Either way, it's her marriage and her life. My job as the friend is to stand by her, support her to a certain degree, and then help her pick up the pieces if it ever comes to that.

As well... you don't know the dynamics of their relationship. Maybe they have an open relationship, or the kind of understanding that sometimes things "might happen" but you just don't talk about it or acknowledge it openly. If she thinks the chances of the marriage going through are strong, no matter if the cheating came to light or not, then my advice would be to let them sort it out on their own. Maybe this girl will turn things around after she takes her final vows (unlikely, but hey, I'm feeling optimistic today!). I think your friend should vocalize her feelings about the cheating to her friend and explain how uncomfortable she feels about the situation she's been placed in. But in the end, my feeling is that it's their relationship/marriage, and I've seen disasters occur when someone is the 'bearer of the bad news', and then the couple works through it and then ostracizes that friend completely because of the negative reminders.

Brutal situation though... and yeah... not a good sign if she's cheating just before they are about to tie the knot. That whole situation ranks in the top three of my all-time worst life nightmares... I would hate to be in the white dress about to marry a cheating asshole while our friends snickered because they all knew what a jerk he was, and I was the one being kept in the dark... confused1

Guest
Posted: Tuesday, August 10, 2010 6:35:44 PM

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the bride is pretty stupid to let anyone know what she's doing except maybe her closest girlfriend, especially someone she knows is friends with her fiancée.
almost makes me wonder if maybe she wants the whistle blown...maybe she secretly wants out of the wedding and this would be a sure fire way.

i do know that women who have flings are hyper vigilant keeping things very quiet...at least the women i know ;)
Magical_felix
Posted: Tuesday, August 10, 2010 7:03:53 PM

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I have never blown the whistle on a friend's cheating and never will. I think that is something that needs to be discovered by the groom on his own. You run the risk of the bride denying it and the groom believing her and you could lose both friendships.



LadyX
Posted: Tuesday, August 10, 2010 7:10:33 PM

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LittleMissBitch wrote:
the bride is pretty stupid to let anyone know what she's doing except maybe her closest girlfriend, especially someone she knows is friends with her fiancée


well, my cousin IS her best friend, in this case. Being so close means she naturally is friends with her fiancée too.
Guest
Posted: Tuesday, August 10, 2010 7:11:56 PM

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LadyX wrote:
LittleMissBitch wrote:
the bride is pretty stupid to let anyone know what she's doing except maybe her closest girlfriend, especially someone she knows is friends with her fiancée


well, my cousin IS her best friend, in this case. Being so close means she naturally is friends with her fiancée too.



ohhhh i misunderstood! i thought she was closer to the groom than the bride...!!!

in that case she needs to zip it. gotta have ur girls back...even if shes being stupid.
MrNudiePants
Posted: Tuesday, August 10, 2010 8:53:18 PM

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In this case, there's nothing to be gained by her spilling the beans, and a lot to be lost. First, the marriage will be wrecked. Even if they do go through with it, it will be a constant reminder of how their marriage started. Second, she'll always be the person that caused it. She stands to lose both his friendship and her friendship, as well as having any of their other friends turn against her. Somebody really wise once said, "Sex is only sex." Something about a deeper relationship being more important than a casual fling once in a while. This is something he needs to find out on his own, or not at all.
LusciousLola
Posted: Wednesday, August 11, 2010 5:39:02 AM

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This is a crappy situation all around.

I agree with some of you saying that she should come clean. Starting a marriage out that way is probably a recipe for disaster. And putting a friend in a situation like that is not being a very good friend, especially if you are friends with both the bride and groom. If it were turned around I would want to know. I have played the part of the fool before and wouldn't want to see anyone doing that, especially someone that I am friends with. So I guess my answer would be a yes, I would tell if she didn't. I am willing to lose a friendship. I guess this falls into (for me) the Do unto others category.
WellMadeMale
Posted: Wednesday, August 11, 2010 1:29:39 PM

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jmho

Most intelligent people are introspective and doubt themselves while many fucktards are proudly over-confident. - a tip of the hat to Charles Bukowski
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, August 11, 2010 5:00:48 PM

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I would strongly suggest, to him, that he not buy her the car, with a "just trust me!" attached.
LadyX
Posted: Wednesday, August 11, 2010 5:03:33 PM

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AngelicAdmirer wrote:
I would strongly suggest, to him, that he not buy her the car, with a "just trust me!" attached.


LOL, now that's some good advice.
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, August 11, 2010 7:34:45 PM

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Oh Lady X and Dancing Doll, you both knew that that I care for each of you and admire you both as smart woman.!!!

But are we not back to the same question all over again.

Love and Sex?

Can we not get beyond the idea than they are one in the same. They are not, if we extracate procreation.

I have said this before this is the 21st Century and when are we going to make the distiction, between Love and Sex?
confused5
Dancing_Doll
Posted: Wednesday, August 11, 2010 7:41:44 PM

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WHR43 wrote:
Oh Lady X and Dancing Doll, you both knew that that I care for each of you and admire you both as smart woman.!!!

But are we not back to the same question all over again.

Love and Sex?

Can we not get beyond the idea than they are one in the same. They are not, if we extracate procreation.

I have said this before this is the 21st Century and when are we going to make the distiction, between Love and Sex?
confused5


I think the problem with this situation is that (correct me if I'm wrong Xuani), they are not in an open relationship. If they are both on the same page with their expectations and boundaries for their relationship, then it removes the deception element, and it can work!

Right you are Whitney, certainly love and sex can be separated. The real problem is when deception occurs, and one person is purposely left in the dark. That's when I see it as cheating.... and a problem for their relationship.

thepainter
Posted: Wednesday, August 11, 2010 11:39:44 PM

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I'd blow the whistle sooner than the bride could say "wut?". evil4

Insert typical super smart ass comment courtesy of thepainter here.
Guest
Posted: Thursday, August 12, 2010 4:18:12 AM

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WHR43, what does the date have to do with anything? Man, mankind, men and women, marriage, human emotions, interactions, dependency, dynamics....when did any of that change? Was there something in the Y2K rollover that changed anything about who or what mankind is, how we are wired, or that ended certain expectations and the essential seeds of happiness and fulfillment?

Or, is everything relative nowadays?
mercianknight
Posted: Thursday, August 12, 2010 6:23:08 AM

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Magical_felix wrote:
I have never blown the whistle on a friend's cheating and never will. I think that is something that needs to be discovered by the groom on his own. You run the risk of the bride denying it and the groom believing her and you could lose both friendships.


short sweet and sage advice. Gets my vote. coffee

"Whoa, lady, I only speak two languages, English and bad English." - Korben Dallas, from The Fifth Element

"If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must man be of learning from experience?" - George Bernard Shaw
Guest
Posted: Thursday, August 12, 2010 9:44:06 AM

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mercianknight wrote:
Magical_felix wrote:
I have never blown the whistle on a friend's cheating and never will. I think that is something that needs to be discovered by the groom on his own. You run the risk of the bride denying it and the groom believing her and you could lose both friendships.


short sweet and sage advice. Gets my vote. coffee


what would be the consequences down the road, after they've had kids and then he finds out and now he wants a divorce?

Dancing_Doll wrote:


I think the problem with this situation is that (correct me if I'm wrong Xuani), they are not in an open relationship. If they are both on the same page with their expectations and boundaries for their relationship, then it removes the deception element, and it can work!

Right you are Whitney, certainly love and sex can be separated. The real problem is when deception occurs, and one person is purposely left in the dark. That's when I see it as cheating.... and a problem for their relationship.


I absolutely agree with this!!! Open good, not open bad and makes the one cheating, so to speak, a low-life in my opinion.

Having been in a situation where my ex-wife was cheating on me all through out or marriage I would rather have known about it. If the roles were reversed and it was my friend doing the shit, I would tell her to come clean or else I'll tell the other one, because again I've been through it and would rather not have someones elses life screwed up because of it. Let alone the fact that there could be kids involved down the road (which is what happened to me)
Guest
Posted: Thursday, August 12, 2010 9:46:46 AM

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and to be honest if the one friend is cheating, and the boyfriend doesn't want to believe me the fuck them, they're not people I want to be friends with.
rxtales
Posted: Thursday, August 12, 2010 7:46:38 PM

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I walked in on my ex boyfriend having sex with another man who I will call K. K was engaged to a woman who was pregnant and a friend of mine. My ex boyfriend informed me that they had been fucking each other for a while (even while we were together). K said that he was only staying in the engagement because of the baby and because he was unsure of his sexuality. I debated a very long time, but eventually blew the whistle. The woman had the right to know. Everyone was incredibly angry with me in the beginning, but eventually things were worked out. I think it would depend on the situation. If someone is breaking my trust and cheating on me, I would want to know.
Guest
Posted: Sunday, August 15, 2010 7:16:08 AM

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past victim of a cheating ex wife.....funny most of my friends knew but they told me they didn't want to be the one to tell me...hell i lost trust in her and my friends all at the same time
WellMadeMale
Posted: Sunday, August 15, 2010 8:52:09 AM

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There's a couple ways of looking at this kind of situation.

I've experienced a few women stepping out behind my back with other dudes before. And I've stepped out on a few women (different ones) myself.

And although I did initially feel 'cheated on'...it is probably closer to the truth to acknowledge that one of the parties of the agreed-to-be-monogamous relationship was probably not fulfilling his or her monogamous obligation or promise which caused the other person to allow their sexual or emotional radar to be raised and tuned into someone else to provide whatever was missing for 'them' in the 'sacred relationship' they stepped out on.

So, really...is there one party who cheats while the other party is completely innocent? Maybe we more often cause our partner to cheat on us, is what I'm saying.

Either by ignorance, or by taking someone for granted, or because something within ourselves changes, we withdrawal, etc... I have tried to analyze why I've had four women step out on me in my past and I have pinpointed the reasons I think they may have (although I never discussed it with any of them afterwards). As for the two women I stepped out on, previously...why did I? I think I know, there...too.

I later felt like a shit heel for having done that, rather than just be up front with them and initiate 'the conversation' I was apprehensive of engaging in.

But I don't think I'm a complete asswipe because of my actions 25 years ago. geek


Most intelligent people are introspective and doubt themselves while many fucktards are proudly over-confident. - a tip of the hat to Charles Bukowski
Guest
Posted: Sunday, August 15, 2010 10:54:15 AM

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At the end of the day, it's a sad situation. Nobody will win and it will end up tragic.

I would stay out of it, and probably feel guilty for not saying anything. But...the couple is supposed to have rock-solid trust, and if that trust is broken, it's between them.
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