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Guest
Posted: Wednesday, November 24, 2010 8:16:19 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 693,945
A genie was going to grant a man one wish...just one.

The man said "I wish for a road that goes around the whole world. My wife doesn't like to fly and we don't like boats, so I'd like a road so we can drive and travel the whole world."

The genie said "Oh I can't do that. The earth is constantly shifting and the oceans and everything...impossible. Since I can't do that you can pick another wish."

"OK", the man said. "I wish that I knew what women wanted."

The genie said "Would you like the road to be 2 lanes or 4?"
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, November 24, 2010 10:29:49 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 693,945
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?"

"Moses," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Moses?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller, Jesus."
cherryrebel
Posted: Thursday, November 25, 2010 12:55:07 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 11/24/2010
Posts: 336
Location: whispering in your ear, United Kingdom
Man rings his boss first thing in the morning. "What's the difference between your daughter and this morning?"

Boss sighs "I don't know what?"

"I'm not coming in this morning"

:d/
Guest
Posted: Thursday, November 25, 2010 2:19:41 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 693,945


Just let your sooouuuuul glow!!

gobble gobble
Guest
Posted: Friday, November 26, 2010 12:28:40 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 693,945
cherryrebel wrote:
Man rings his boss first thing in the morning. "What's the difference between your daughter and this morning?"

Boss sighs "I don't know what?"

"I'm not coming in this morning"

:d/


LOL...good one.

What's the difference between a job and a wife?

After 5 years the job still sucks!
Guest
Posted: Sunday, November 28, 2010 11:31:52 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 693,945
There were two guys who happens to be the best of friends..

While walking down the street to meet their date in a few minutes, the first guy asks his buddy..."DO I LOOK OKAY?"

His buddy stops and drops his jaw staring at this buddy and started singing and twirling around with a flower on his hands.. "WHEN I SEE YOUR FACE, THERE'S NOT A THING THAT I WOULD CHANGE, CAUSE BOY YOU'RE AMAZING JUST THE WAY YOU ARE."

The first guy looked at him seriously and punched him in the face and walked out on him..


hahah sorry its corny but i really find it funny
Guest
Posted: Monday, November 29, 2010 9:47:31 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 693,945
My girlfriend never warned me about the ceiling mirror in her room. I lay down ready for her, then ran out screaming.

I looked up and thought i was being attacked by a naked skydiver.
obscura
Posted: Monday, November 29, 2010 3:19:21 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 9/10/2010
Posts: 143
Location: Zef Side
The Affluence of Incohol

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey and was told by my
wife to empty the contents down the sink or else. I
said I would and proceeded with this unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured it
down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I
drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle
and likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which
I drank. I extracted the cork from the third bottle and
poured the glass down the sink, which I drank. I pulled
the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the
bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the cork
from the next glass and drank one sink out it and threw the
rest down the bottle, which I drank. I pulled the sink
out the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.
Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink
and drank the pour. When I had everything empty, I
steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses,
corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which was 29
and as the house came by I counted them again.

Finally, I had all the houses in one bottle, which I
drank. I'm not half as think you drunk I am. I fool
so feelish I don't know who is me and the drunker I stand
here the longer I get. I'm not under the affluence of
incohol as some tinkle peep I am.

Cheers occasion5

Apollo55
Posted: Tuesday, November 30, 2010 6:51:07 AM

Rank: Rookie Scribe

Joined: 12/1/2009
Posts: 4
Location: NC, United States
Why doesn't Barbie ever get pregnant?

Ken cums in another box.
Guest
Posted: Thursday, December 09, 2010 6:34:26 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 693,945
Two executives, Gary and Bill, staggered out of their company's Christmas party in London. Bill stumbled across the street, while Gary stumbled into a tube station. When Bill reached the other side, he noticed Gary emerging grom the station stairs.

''Where have you been?'' Bill slurred.

''I don't know,'' replied Gary, ''But you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!''
Guest
Posted: Thursday, December 09, 2010 12:47:26 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 693,945
That was cute Rita. 6
WellMadeMale
Posted: Monday, January 03, 2011 8:40:42 PM

Rank: Constant Gardener

Joined: 9/30/2009
Posts: 10,511
Location: Cakeland, United States
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both very, very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties, and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls had their tinkle, they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife, was still in bed.....hung over.

So he phoned the other husband and said, 'These girls' nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst; my wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with gold ribbon and a card stuck to her ass that said:

"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."


Most intelligent people are introspective and doubt themselves while many fucktards are proudly over-confident. - a tip of the hat to Charles Bukowski
DirtyMartini
Posted: Tuesday, January 04, 2011 11:17:34 AM

Rank: Purveyor of Poetry & Porn

Joined: 10/19/2009
Posts: 5,850
Location: Right here on Lush Stories..., United States
This one was voted "Joke of the Year" for 2010, though I admit it's a bit far fetched...

JOKE OF THE YEAR

Two women were sitting together, quietly minding their own business.



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DirtyMartini
Posted: Tuesday, January 04, 2011 12:10:10 PM

Rank: Purveyor of Poetry & Porn

Joined: 10/19/2009
Posts: 5,850
Location: Right here on Lush Stories..., United States
Three old men were talking in a retirement home about their problems.
The first says, "Every morning at 7:00 I get up and try to urinate." "All day long I try to urinate , but can't."
The second says,"Every day at 8:00 I wake up and try taking a bowel movement." " All day long I try and can't."
The third says, " I'm ninety years old." "Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate." " Every morning at 8:00 sharp, I have a bowel movement."
"That's great," one of the other men said, "What's the problem?"
"I don't wake up until 9:00."



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Remington
Posted: Tuesday, January 04, 2011 1:10:19 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/21/2010
Posts: 1,753
This man walks into a bar and on the counter is a jar full of money. The guy goes up to the bartender and asks, "What's the jar of money for?"

The bartender replies, "If you can make my horse laugh, I'll give you the jar of money."

The man walks over to the horse and whispers something in it's ear and the horse starts laughing. He walks back to the bar, grabs the money and walks out.

Exactly one week later, in the same exact bar, in the same exact spot, is another jar of money. The man walks up to the bartender and asks, "What's the jar of money for?"

The bartender replies, "Well, ever since you came in here last week, my horse hasn't stopped laughing. If you can make him stop laughing, I'll give you the jar of money."

The man walks over to the horse and does something to it and the horse immediately starts crying. He walks back to the bar, grabs the money and heads for the door. Before he reaches the door, the bartender stops him and asks, "How did you get the horse to laugh and how did you get him to cry?"

"Well, the first time I came in, I told the horse my dick was bigger than his, and this time I showed him."

Go check out my new story - How Did This Happen? - John's Story

aussiescribbler
Posted: Friday, January 28, 2011 6:21:39 AM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 6/22/2010
Posts: 52
Location: Adelaide
The scene is a divorce court somewhere in Disneyland. Mickey Mouse is seeking to divorce his wife, Minnie.

"So, as I understand it," summed up the Judge, "you wish to divorce your wife on the grounds of insanity."

"No," Mickey replied angrily. "I didn't say she was crazy! I said she was fucking Goofy!"
sazraz
Posted: Saturday, January 29, 2011 3:53:26 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 6/6/2009
Posts: 171
Location: United Kingdom
Doctor- I have some bad news, and some very bad news for you Jim

Jim- Well,might as well give me the bad news first Doc

Doctor- The lab called with your test results. It looks like you've only got 24 hours to live

Jim-24 hours? Thats terrible! What could be worse than that??

Doctor-I've been trying to reach you since yesterday
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