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are human beings natural monogamist or just a social imposition? Options · View
latinfoxy
Posted: Tuesday, April 5, 2011 8:55:03 PM

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Im torn on this subject, i would like to believe that yes humans are monogamous and me for most of my relationships have been, but the truth is that if you spend 40 years married with the same person, i think its only logical that along all those years you will find someone that you connect with other than your partner.

So what do you think? are we designed to be monogamous or is it just because thats the rule of society?
LadyX
Posted: Tuesday, April 5, 2011 11:10:05 PM

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Rules of society. Rules that governments and religions gave us so that we could be reliable, stable, and productive.

I think we're meant to procreate. Not only do I not think we're meant to be monogamous, but I think our nature is to seek different partners throughout our lives.
loud_bkr
Posted: Wednesday, April 6, 2011 2:34:08 AM

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I think it's a social imposition. We all grow at different speeds and our desires change over time.
I think Polyamory may be better suited for Humans.

MMonroe
Posted: Wednesday, April 6, 2011 5:04:06 AM

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loud_bkr wrote:

I think Polyamory may be better suited for Humans.


You say that but what sets us apart from animals is that we have more complicated emotions. In this day and age, to say that monogamy is out and we can all sleep with whoever when want because its 'natural' would become a big problem.

I can see how polygamy is seen as natural behaviour but for me, its more natural to want to settle down with just one person you're in love with
loud_bkr
Posted: Wednesday, April 6, 2011 5:50:13 AM

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I see where you are coming from MMonroe and agree with you that when “we can all sleep with whoever when want because its 'natural' would become a big problem” , but I suppose the definition of Polyamory can be misunderstood.
For me polyamory does NOT = polygamy or promiscuity, but for me polyamory means a committed relationship with more than one person, not necessarily sexually.
Polyamory acknowledges the possibility of more than one soulmate and that one can be in love with both at the same time in different ways.
I suppose one has to ask oneself if you think that in a relationship with several persons each connection can never be as deep as when you are in a relationship with only one person...?


latinfoxy
Posted: Wednesday, April 6, 2011 8:33:37 AM

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Yes i agree with
loud_bkr wrote:
We all grow at different speeds and our desires change over time.
but most humans are to possessive to let a person they love to just go out and say ok have fun and then come back to me, after all one of the first words we learn to say is "mine".

I agree i don't think humans are made to be monogamous, BUT i know i couldn't just say to my boyfriend or husband ok go ahead fuck who ever you want and then come back, unless im involve in the act.

So maybe it is a social imposition that runs so deep on us that its best to just be smart and dont get caught? dontknow
CellarDoor
Posted: Wednesday, April 6, 2011 10:07:39 AM

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In my opinion I think that monogamy is a means of functioning as "normal" in today's society. Most of us were brought up with the notion that eventually, one day, we'll find a nice person who shares similar interests, values and beliefs and after time we will commit ourselves to them and build a strong foundation with a house, a car, a dog, and 2.4 kids.

As a married woman with a child - yes, I do believe that monogamy, especially to sustain a healthy marriage, is very important. Marriage is about commitment - so if that's not what you're looking for, don't get married! It seems simple enough to me!
If you have other ideas on how it's supposed to go in your relationship, I would hope you and your mate are on the same page about your expectations and boundaries. I find the most important thing is to just communicate and always talk about how you feel. The worst thing is to feel you are on different levels within your relationship - thus making you feel "boxed in" to a certain stereotype. If you're a closet dominatrix, You can only play a Stepford wife for so long!

On the other hand, as much as i'd love to hold on to my fairytale notion of soulmates and destiny, I honestly believe that there is more than one person we are meant to be with. We all think we know what we want, but who can honestly say that they want the same qualities in a partner that they wanted 10 years ago?

As we grow and evolve and mature as individuals, we usually change how we perceive others and change our views on what makes the ideal parter for us.

It's really inevitable that times change. And with that, our environment, society and our frame of mind changes with it - we have to go with the flow or eventually we get left behind. Because of that, a lot of the time couples simply drift apart from those they once considered their "soulmate."

I really do believe that it's possible to love more than one person at a time for different reasons. It really makes me laugh to think that people are monogamous by nature...when really it's just seems that way to most people because it's "the norm" today.

I've learned that no matter how much we mask or deny certain feelings and urges in our minds, we cannot ignore our bodies physical reactions. People can always try to brainwash you to make you believe that a certain idea or formula is ideal, but no one can take away or change the physical, natural and animalistic reactions we have to other human beings. And I was ALWAYS told to listen to my body.

For now, I'm in a committed, monogamous marriage - but that doesn't mean it will always be that way. I think we just need to find someone that makes us happy and feel good inside. As long as you make your intentions clear from the start, you can't really go wrong. And even if you do, we're humans, we make mistakes all the time. It's about learning from those mistakes and applying what you're learned.





Dancing_Doll
Posted: Wednesday, April 6, 2011 11:20:33 AM

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I believe in emotional monogamy and then structured physical non-monogamy. This means, you love/connect with one person but may indulge in sex with other people provided it's not done in a sneaking around way and the other person is comfortable with it. I don't think that we are a naturally monogamous species (very few species are). We have innate drives and urges that yes, we can (and should) have some kind of control over, but that doesn't mean that playtime has to be off limits. Obviously sex does not always equal love. I also think it keeps the sex between the primary couple fresh and exciting if they are open to certain kinds of extra-curricular playtime (either together or solo). I just think there always needs to be rules about what is allowed and what each person is comfortable with.

As far as emotional monogamy... I believe in it. I have always operated this way myself. You need the love/emotional bond to justify being together. When that is not there, it's time to dissolve the partnership. I could not function in a marriage/relationship with one person and have emotional affairs on the side and still consider myself happy. Physical connections are very different.

As far as society goes, I think the image of a 'healthy marriage' needs to become more realistic and in tune with human nature and the times we live in. Involving other people in an 'open' way involves communication. And I still think that communication flaws and unrealistic expectations are the main issues behind the divorce rate.


rxtales
Posted: Wednesday, April 6, 2011 5:51:19 PM

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This is a topic I have been thinking about a lot recently. Personally I don´t think monogamous relationships are what I want. I have mostly been in monogamous relationships, with only a few open ones.

Quote:
As far as emotional monogamy... I believe in it. I have always operated this way myself. You need the love/emotional bond to justify being together. When that is not there, it's time to dissolve the partnership. I could not function in a marriage/relationship with one person and have emotional affairs on the side and still consider myself happy. Physical connections are very different.


I truly believe people can love more than one person. I think that´s more natural, than only loving one person for the rest of your life. Just because you meet someone who isn´t your spouse/bf, doesn´t necesarilly mean you will love them any less.

I am reading an interesting book right now called "Ethical Slut." If you´re interested in reading materials, I have a few PDFs - PM me.
Dancing_Doll
Posted: Wednesday, April 6, 2011 6:12:36 PM

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rxtales wrote:
This is a topic I have been thinking about a lot recently. Personally I don´t think monogamous relationships are what I want. I have mostly been in monogamous relationships, with only a few open ones.

Quote:
As far as emotional monogamy... I believe in it. I have always operated this way myself. You need the love/emotional bond to justify being together. When that is not there, it's time to dissolve the partnership. I could not function in a marriage/relationship with one person and have emotional affairs on the side and still consider myself happy. Physical connections are very different.


I truly believe people can love more than one person. I think that´s more natural, than only loving one person for the rest of your life. Just because you meet someone who isn´t your spouse/bf, doesn´t necesarilly mean you will love them any less.

I am reading an interesting book right now called "Ethical Slut." If you´re interested in reading materials, I have a few PDFs - PM me.


I love the title of that book, so I just sent you a PM. Thanks! icon_smile

Re loving more than one person. I agree that this can happen, however in these cases, I don't really see the necessity of being in a formal relationship with anyone in particular. I think it's all up to the individual person or couple on what works for them, but if I loved or had deep emotional feelings for both Guy-A and Guy-B, then I'd rather just stay single and explore both. I think there's a bigger issue at work with this topic, which is why does everyone feel compelled to couple up and get married at all if it doesn't feel natural for them? I've always seen the point of that kind of committed relationship as being an emotional connection/bond combined with sexual chemistry. I agree that sexual chemistry with other people doesn't have to threaten the emotional connection with a partner, but I wouldn't want to commit to a guy that was in love with both me and another girl. I just wouldn't see the point of the commitment. I might enjoy the connection for what it was worth, but in that case I'd rather just stay formally "single" and explore other options as well. Sometimes staying single and not labelling connections that they have with people is what works best for people.

Then there is the whole polyamory thing, which obviously works for some family arrangements. Personally, I couldn't do it though.


latinfoxy
Posted: Wednesday, April 6, 2011 7:16:23 PM

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Im with DD that books sounds very interesting, send you a PM as well.

Dancing_Doll wrote:
I believe in emotional monogamy and then structured physical non-monogamy. This means, you love/connect with one person but may indulge in sex with other people provided it's not done in a sneaking around way and the other person is comfortable with it. I don't think that we are a naturally monogamous species (very few species are). We have innate drives and urges that yes, we can (and should) have some kind of control over, but that doesn't mean that playtime has to be off limits. Obviously sex does not always equal love. I also think it keeps the sex between the primary couple fresh and exciting if they are open to certain kinds of extra-curricular playtime (either together or solo). I just think there always needs to be rules about what is allowed and what each person is comfortable with.


About the topic, i think its very easy to say that you have emotional monogamy, but not physical monogamy. Im not saying that sex is vinculated only with feelings, but i do believe that if you have sex repeatedly with the same person eventually you do end up having feelings for that person. I also think that for more open minded you can be there's always a little jealousy thinking he/she is with someone else.

I dont believe we are monogamous by nature, but i do think that its better to just b the smarter you can be and dont get caught.
Dancing_Doll
Posted: Wednesday, April 6, 2011 7:38:57 PM

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latinfoxy wrote:

, but i do believe that if you have sex repeatedly with the same person eventually you do end up having feelings for that person. I also think that for more open minded you can be there's always a little jealousy thinking he/she is with someone else.

I dont believe we are monogamous by nature, but i do think that its better to just b the smarter you can be and dont get caught.


Agreed. And that's why it's important not to have any 'repeat performers' when it comes to partners on the side in an 'open-relationship' (in my opinion). icon_smile

I also think it's better when the couple involves another together or when it's planned together. I would always need rules, personally. I like more of the idea of 'structured monogamy', not just an open free for all. I don't think I'm psychologically made to handle that... LOL. I'm fundamentally against the deception element though (unless it's in a sex story!). My feeling has always been that if it makes your partner uncomfortable, then don't do it. I think that's why it's important to know what one is getting into before committing. Everyone has a different threshold for what they can handle/tolerate.




mare24
Posted: Wednesday, April 6, 2011 11:39:03 PM

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loud_bkr wrote:

For me polyamory does NOT = polygamy or promiscuity, but for me polyamory means a committed relationship with more than one person, not necessarily sexually.
Polyamory acknowledges the possibility of more than one soulmate and that one can be in love with both at the same time in different ways.
I suppose one has to ask oneself if you think that in a relationship with several persons each connection can never be as deep as when you are in a relationship with only one person...?


I completely agree that monogamy is a useless social imposition. Who says you can't have more than one relationship in your lifetime, either singularly or simultaneously? Who is to say the person you were 10yrs ago when you married is the same person today and that your mate will fulfill your evolving needs and desires. Or who is to say the person you are with today is your match in another 10yrs.

I think love and relationships are filled with many dimensions. I, personally, am involved in two relationships right now. Each person fulfills a need that the other cannot. I love each one deeply and differently. Does that make me a horrible person? I think not because I am happier because of it, and I think I give more into each relationship as a result.

I can honestly say that I am a much much happier and whole person than I ever have been in my entire life.
MinaMiranda
Posted: Thursday, April 7, 2011 1:38:11 AM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 3/29/2011
Posts: 71
I'm loving this thread, the answers here are so thought-provoking.

I agree with Dancing Doll, I'm a believer in emotional monogamy. But I feel physically we are not designed to receive all our needs from just one person, and it's a choice we must make for ourselves as to which path we choose.

For myself, I could not split my soul into parts and share them amongst partners, I would need to give 100% each time. So serial monogamy is my thing. And there is one person in the world for whom my feelings have never, ever, changed, but sadly he can't be with me.

I believe polyamory can work, but the people involved need to be very secure in themselves, and not possessive. Possessiveness and territorial issues are just as natural as polyamory if we are going to compare ourselves to other species, so saying polyamory is natural rather highlights the flaws in nature.






Stock answer to most forum questions:
Some do, Some don't

Love blindsides us all.
loud_bkr
Posted: Thursday, April 7, 2011 6:53:09 AM

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You are right, possessiveness will come into play a lot, as well as jealousy, however if all partners are open and honest then a non-monogamous e.g. Polyamory) relationship can work.

Most of us go through our lives with the brakes on. Our souls call for growth and expansion, but we ignore and repress those longings, because they go against the "rules" we have agreed to. It's a lot of work to drop our judgments, but they only serve to limit our freedom and our growth.

My view on humanity is that if we are living from the love that we truly are, we will do no harm to others. People can still hurt themselves using our behaviour as an excuse, but that's their baby, not ours.

But those who have grown to the place of realising that everything in this physical plane is temporary, and no one is really "yours" to claim, you can drop the attachments that create jealousy and hurt.


mercianknight
Posted: Thursday, April 7, 2011 7:20:18 AM

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LadyX wrote:
Rules of society. Rules that governments and religions gave us so that we could be reliable, stable, and productive.

I think we're meant to procreate. Not only do I not think we're meant to be monogamous, but I think our nature is to seek different partners throughout our lives.


Eloquently and concisely put - totally agree. Add to the above the discussion re 'emotional monogamy' and you have it all.

"Whoa, lady, I only speak two languages, English and bad English." - Korben Dallas, from The Fifth Element

"If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must man be of learning from experience?" - George Bernard Shaw
Squirthero
Posted: Thursday, April 7, 2011 10:10:35 AM

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Posts: 373
Not sure what a social imposition is latinfoxy?, but if you mean a social construct, then for sure. Agree with allot of what is said here too. boringly its both isnt it.

I think

There are instictive drivers that influence us to offer loyalty in order to receive it back, thereby increasing the chances of genetic procreation for men, and having our children provided for for the women (from a darwinian perspective of course)

But there are instinctive drivers that can lead us to break these constructs, chiefly among them being the zenophilic nature of sex drive. The intrigue and allure of the different. Thats why men ogly at any girls, and women read trashy novels.

When the later is stronger than the perception of risk of the former being compromised, infidelity can occur.

XX



Squirt is in the eye of the beholder
myself
Posted: Thursday, April 7, 2011 10:48:59 AM

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I have always been a monogamist. Sure that I was born this way. Even as a girl, multiple partners didn't feel the way having just a single person felt. Throughout my life, this has always been the same.

Torture the data long enough and they will confess to anything.
cokeheadbarbie
Posted: Friday, April 15, 2011 7:47:04 PM

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Joined: 11/4/2010
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I am not a believer in monotony.. oops, I mean monogamy. Giggles.

Yes it is a social imposition. I don't think that anyone follows it though even the ones that claim they do. Everyone will cheat it's just a matter of time and opportunity. That is a guarantee!

xx B.
WellMadeMale
Posted: Saturday, November 24, 2012 4:24:22 AM

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cokeheadbarbie wrote:
I am not a believer in monotony.. oops, I mean monogamy. Giggles.


6



Obscenity is the last refuge of an inarticulate motherfucker.
Guest
Posted: Sunday, November 25, 2012 11:14:15 AM

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According to scientists we are so close to our primate cousins in every way. So, we are naturally rampant not monogamists. It is the social conditioning that makes it so. We now live in an age (as we have for centuries) where our emotional attachments to our partners compels us to be monogamous. As extra relation sexual activity evokes guilt.
sprite
Posted: Sunday, November 25, 2012 11:16:50 AM

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Dancing_Doll wrote:
I believe in emotional monogamy and then structured physical non-monogamy. This means, you love/connect with one person but may indulge in sex with other people provided it's not done in a sneaking around way and the other person is comfortable with it. I don't think that we are a naturally monogamous species (very few species are). We have innate drives and urges that yes, we can (and should) have some kind of control over, but that doesn't mean that playtime has to be off limits. Obviously sex does not always equal love. I also think it keeps the sex between the primary couple fresh and exciting if they are open to certain kinds of extra-curricular playtime (either together or solo). I just think there always needs to be rules about what is allowed and what each person is comfortable with.

As far as emotional monogamy... I believe in it. I have always operated this way myself. You need the love/emotional bond to justify being together. When that is not there, it's time to dissolve the partnership. I could not function in a marriage/relationship with one person and have emotional affairs on the side and still consider myself happy. Physical connections are very different.

As far as society goes, I think the image of a 'healthy marriage' needs to become more realistic and in tune with human nature and the times we live in. Involving other people in an 'open' way involves communication. And I still think that communication flaws and unrealistic expectations are the main issues behind the divorce rate.


what i love about Doll is, we share a brain, and whenever she posts, it save me the trouble of trying to say the same thing, only less perfectly :)


oh, and she's hot.

and she's an amazing writer.

and she's nice.

and smart.

and interesting.

did i mention she's hot already?

and yes, i'm emotionally monogamous, my partner/girlfriend/owner/wife-to-be/best friend/soulmate is the only one i need/want/wish/plan to be with - but we both fool around sexually - openly and honestly, often together and it strengthens our relationship rather than hurts it, imo.



Love not hate.
deadlogger
Posted: Monday, November 26, 2012 11:38:35 AM

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Location: United Kingdom
latinfoxy wrote:
Im torn on this subject, i would like to believe that yes humans are monogamous and me for most of my relationships have been, but the truth is that if you spend 40 years married with the same person, i think its only logical that along all those years you will find someone that you connect with other than your partner.

So what do you think? are we designed to be monogamous or is it just because thats the rule of society?


Don't like the word designed, perhaps you slipped it in unconciously. We behave in such a way as to give our genes the greatest chance of immortality. Marriage and civilisatation are at odds with this natural aim but they never quite suceed in stamping out the beast in man.
Buz
Posted: Friday, November 30, 2012 9:46:03 PM

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Do you think that Viking men used to swear to their wives that they didn't have their way with foreign women on their summer journeys of pillaging and looting?

"Of course dear I never even looked at another woman but I did behead 25 monks, 11 knights & a Duke and look at all these wonderful gold bracelets I plundered in England. You can have some of them."
— Hagar the Berserker





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