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Sex after Marriage: The Honeymoon is Over Options · View
Olivia
Posted: Monday, August 15, 2011 6:37:12 PM

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Joined: 8/7/2011
Posts: 109
Here is an anonymous question I received by PM which I will address in the forum.

"I am involved with someone, have been for several years now. However, i feel very unfulfilled sexually. My SO has issues with/refuses to prefrm oral sex. However, I preform oral sex very very regularly. This leads me to being very frustrated, hurt and also feeling rejected. Of course this then rolls over and effects other aspects of our relationship no matter however much I would try to compartmentalize it."

This is a common situation. The honeymoon period is over and people find themselves less willing to put that effort into pleasing their partners. This can range from romance, to favours, to household chores, and in this case to oral sex.

Now you may be shocked... or maybe not:

The question above, was asked by a woman. Let's get over the stereotype that blow-jobs are off the table when the ring goes on the finger. Men can also get lazy in the bedroom.

In this case it seems that the man is happy to have his cake and eat it too. He enjoys being the receiver of oral but doesn't want to be a giver. This person mentions that her husband has "issues" with performing oral and "refuses it" which leads me to believe that she has already had the discussion with him or at the very least it has been noted that when she pushes his head towards the direction of her pussy, he stiffens up and maybe does the 'kiss on the inner thigh' before sliding back up immediately and trying to distract her.

I'm not sure if the root of his problem is a psychological one. Like eating oysters, eating pussy is an acquired taste. Some squeamish guys may genuinely have never enjoyed oral, even in their younger years. Maybe it's the taste, the juices/messiness of it, or maybe they've just never gotten over the idea of what the pussy is used for when it's not open for sexual pleasure. A man that has watched his wife in natural childbirth may also have a visual imprint (ie. scar) that he just can't get over.

The problem in this case is when one person decides to ignore the fact that they are not satisfying their partner sexually. I would suggest conveying the importance of being pleased in the bedroom to the overall health of their marriage and their intimacy as a couple. Then ask if you can work on the issues together. This will mean getting down to the root of his hesitation with oral sex and seeing if you can work around his issues.

Some people don't actually realize the importance their partner places on a certain sex act. Maybe they skip the oral because it's not really their thing and they don't think their partner cares that much about it one way or another. I have a friend whose husband doesn't kiss her anymore (not even during sex). He just has a hard-on and a bottle of lube by the bed and yells for her from the next room "I'm ready!". Needless to say she now spends her time making out with her girlfriends and is having an affair with her personal trainer.

The point is... if a partner realizes how important sex is and what their shortcomings are, they often are more motivated to step up to the plate. Especially if that might mean keeping their spouse out of range for a full-blown affair.

It all comes down to communication. As the original poster said, a lack of satisfying intimacy does spill over into other areas of your relationship. Resentment builds and you may no longer feel like you're on the same team.

If your partner still ignores the situation, and you are chronically sexually unfulfilled, I do think it's reasonable to consider whether you really want to remain in this relationship for the rest of your life.

Or... you might want to hire a hot personal trainer. 3601
BeautifulSpirit
Posted: Monday, August 15, 2011 8:29:33 PM

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Location: who cares, United States
Great posting. I can very much relate to some of the information.
Nikki703
Posted: Tuesday, August 16, 2011 8:38:22 AM

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Location: The Other Side Of The Mirror
I can also relate to much of this. I have always been very sexual since the first time I masturbated as teen. I married at a young age (20yo) and my husband was very attentive sexually. He would always go down on me even if he wasnt very good at it. But at least he would make the effort. And he was alwys ready when I was. Our sex life was pretty good until I was 23 and my second daughter was born. Then he seemed very reluctant to go down on me and pretty much lost interest in sex. I would still suck him, but mainly because I enjoyed it. Our sex life went from several times a week to once a month(except for me blowing him as I masturbated) if I was lucky and was very vanilla (not that he was very adventurous to start with). And once he came, it was off to watch Sportscenter or sleep. And once my third daughter was born, our sex life was pretty non-existent. The only time he got sexual was when he drank, but unfortunately thats when he got abusive too.

Well to cut a long story short, He never cheated, one of the faults he didnt have. He just had no interest in sex anymore. And I also never cheated. I put up with a sexless marriage and the abuse for another 5 years until I got the courage to get a divorce. But thats another story.
Guest
Posted: Tuesday, August 16, 2011 9:00:13 AM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 652,865
It doesn't have to be that way. I've been married to the same woman for 40 years and we still very much enjoy sex and are more interested in our partner's enjoyment than our own. Of course it isn't as frequent now, but that is not because lack of interest.
Buz
Posted: Sunday, August 21, 2011 8:12:47 AM

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I got married at the end of last April and we had dated off and on since 2004. I can't imagine the honeymoon wearing off. She's the sexiest creature on the planet!

Guest
Posted: Sunday, August 21, 2011 2:03:16 PM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 652,865

As Nikki stated, often when the child(ren) arrive, the sex life seems to take a back seat, unless both parties make it a priority.

Many of us, felt like Buz .... whoa - sexy and adventurous, but when life evolves with the pressures of children, the economy and becoming less focussed on the priority of a marriage - the honeymoon is indeed over.

What's the solution besides not having children, winning the lottery and the fear of catching some STD?
Maybe remembering and taking time for the one you have chosen to spend your life with.
Olivia
Posted: Monday, August 22, 2011 5:33:05 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 8/7/2011
Posts: 109
Yahtzee wrote:

As Nikki stated, often when the child(ren) arrive, the sex life seems to take a back seat, unless both parties make it a priority.

Many of us, felt like Buz .... whoa - sexy and adventurous, but when life evolves with the pressures of children, the economy and becoming less focussed on the priority of a marriage - the honeymoon is indeed over.

What's the solution besides not having children, winning the lottery and the fear of catching some STD?
Maybe remembering and taking time for the one you have chosen to spend your life with.


Very true... the 7-year itch isn't just a myth. Most people get complacent and bored over time and it's very easy to take things for granted when you've already won the mating and dating game and have your life-partner right there 24/7. Add to that general life stresses like work, kids and ageing parents, and your primary relationship often takes a back-burner rather quickly. In fact, a lot of times it becomes closer to the 3 year mark when couples start to get "too comfortable."

One must be careful to not exacerbate the situation when one person tells the other that something is lacking. If the other partner doesn't take the matter seriously or doesn't address the situation, it makes the complaining partner feel even more rejected and unimportant. This might make them resentful over time and then they stop trying as well. It can become a vicious cycle. Soon enough, underlying resentment and unspoken tension is at a high and nobody is having sex, and suddenly Katie at the office and Bruno at the gym are starting to look like great substitute prospects for sex and intimacy.

I have always advocated 'date nights' for busy couples, dressing up for each other, open communication, and always remembering that the seduction doesn't stop after the wedding night. Just like when you buy a car, if you stop taking care of it and neglect your maintenance requirements, it's never going to run right. Our whole 'why buy when you can lease' mentality has bled over into the way we are starting to look at marriages. Put in the effort and that motor will keep purring... This is what we all ideally want, even once the thrill of that shiny paint-job and new car smell start to fade over time.
Buz
Posted: Monday, August 22, 2011 8:34:36 PM

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She does want kids. She brings up the number "five" and I answer 'two." I bet they would could into your sex time. Damn.

dirtyoleman
Posted: Thursday, August 25, 2011 2:23:35 PM

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Joined: 5/27/2011
Posts: 94
Location: Midstate IL
First let me say that I have never seen an oyster that I wanted to eat and never saw a pussy that I didn't want to eat. There is an old saying that goes: "Show me a guy that won't eat his SO's pussy and I'll take her away from him!" Secondly, if a guy expects his SO to perform oral sex on him but refuses to eat her pussy is like the guy that expects his SO to swallow his cum but won't eat it himself, he does not deserve to have a cock!
Buz
Posted: Tuesday, September 20, 2011 8:48:38 PM

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I've marked my calendar to remind me to spice things up at seven years!

mare24
Posted: Tuesday, September 20, 2011 10:28:12 PM

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Joined: 4/6/2009
Posts: 146
Location: Second star to the right, straight on til morning.
I'm just never getting married again and therefore won't have to worry about the 7yr itch. I'm gonna keeping dating whomever I'm with and keep it spicy and hot :) But reality of two marriages, yeah, it gets old and stale and the children are a big distraction and perfect excuse when you're not in the mood. Buz, keep it spicy throughout the years and you won't have to mark your calendar.
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, September 21, 2011 6:31:25 AM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 652,865
After two failed marriages both to men who were far more vanilla than myself, I can honestly say that very quickly within the first year of marriage I was left very unsatisfied. Neither man was into giving oral, my last husband had not even kissed me during the last 9 years of marriage, I made many attempts to discuss it, constantly initiated sex, gave clear instruction on what I wanted, they were happy having there own needs met. I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for last 2 1/2 years whose sexual desires and needs very closely match my own, I think that is the key to a long and gratifying sexual relationship. Your partners desires and needs should be on par with your own. We are still like a couple of hormonal teenagers. I honestly can not imagine either of us getting bored or feeling unsatisfied.
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, September 21, 2011 6:32:57 AM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 652,865
After two failed marriages both to men who were far more vanilla than myself, I can honestly say that very quickly within the first year of marriage I was left very unsatisfied. Neither man was into giving oral, my last husband had not even kissed me during the last 9 years of marriage, I made many attempts to discuss it, constantly initiated sex, gave clear instruction on what I wanted, they were happy having there own needs met. I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for last 2 1/2 years whose sexual desires and needs very closely match my own, I think that is the key to a long and gratifying sexual relationship. Your partners desires and needs should be on par with your own. We are still like a couple of hormonal teenagers. I honestly can not imagine either of us getting bored or feeling unsatisfied.

Goodness, honestly I didn't think it posted so I kept clicking. If, someone can delete the stutter posts for me I would appreciate it.
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, September 21, 2011 6:34:28 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 652,865
After two failed marriages both to men who were far more vanilla than myself, I can honestly say that very quickly within the first year of marriage I was left very unsatisfied. Neither man was into giving oral, my last husband had not even kissed me during the last 9 years of marriage, I made many attempts to discuss it, constantly initiated sex, gave clear instruction on what I wanted, they were happy having there own needs met. I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for last 2 1/2 years whose sexual desires and needs very closely match my own, I think that is the key to a long and gratifying sexual relationship. Your partners desires and needs should be on par with your own. We are still like a couple of hormonal teenagers. I honestly can not imagine either of us getting bored or feeling unsatisfied.


Sorry, the site was misbehaving, I didn't mean stutter post.
hotkitty
Posted: Wednesday, September 21, 2011 11:08:07 AM

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Joined: 4/4/2011
Posts: 45
I had that problem for awhile. I talked with husband about why he wasn't performing on me. He has a jaw issue which makes it hard for him. He also said it didn't smell well down there sometimes. He makes sure I still get pleasure even though he can not orally please me very often. Communication does work sometimes.
Red_Dragon
Posted: Wednesday, September 21, 2011 3:26:51 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 3/4/2011
Posts: 768
Location: Charleston , United States
I dont know my sex life was great even after the boys were born. Me and My wife parted ways over other things it had nothing to do with sex or cheating. Great Sex alone will not keep a marriage together, If that is all you have together is great sex then a large part of why you are married may be missing.

Emimeni
Posted: Wednesday, September 21, 2011 6:55:40 PM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 7/24/2011
Posts: 69
Location: United States
hotkitty wrote:
I had that problem for awhile. I talked with husband about why he wasn't performing on me. He has a jaw issue which makes it hard for him. He also said it didn't smell well down there sometimes. He makes sure I still get pleasure even though he can not orally please me very often. Communication does work sometimes.


Yeah, I have a disability, and I know from experience that it can interfere with oral sex. I end up using my teeth way more than is apparently comfortable, because my muscles in my face are a little loose. I'd rather pleasure in other ways, honestly, and I think I have a good reason for doing so; it's my responsibility, however, to communicate this. I think communication is more important than sex, and greatly contributes to all aspects of a love life.

From,
Emimeni
nympho_slave
Posted: Friday, January 20, 2012 6:07:29 PM

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Joined: 10/12/2011
Posts: 9
Location: United Kingdom
I have issues like this I have been with my husband for 3 years and suddenly sex is much less regular and is a roll on roll off affair. I am a very kinky very sexual person and this is very frustrating for me. We have talked and talked about what it is we want but when I start to initiate the things he says he wants he just says he is not in the mood or (get this) he's got a headache. It drives me mad I even gave him the ultimatum either step up and help me sort it or I was going to look else where to be fulfilled. He improved for all of a week and then just went back to his old ways telling me if I looked elsewhere he'd divorce me. I have tried different positions, porn, writing erotica, suggesting threesome (girl girl guy), dressing up, strip teasing, switching into dominatrix, introducing toys, role play, acting out his number 1 fantasy even offerring head with no need to repay the favour but nothing has worked! I even sat naked on his lap grinding into his crotch telling him graphically what i wanted to do to him and with him only to be pushed off because he wasn't in the mood. Can anyone help me? please I'm totally shot my self confidence is 0 and I have no more ideas but I love him and don't want to loose us because of sex
EwaBeachSlut
Posted: Saturday, March 17, 2012 5:10:25 PM

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Joined: 9/3/2011
Posts: 151
Location: United States
I am very surprised this is an issue. If this was 1940 and a couples first sexual experience was the Wedding night. I could understand the lack of sexual exploration which left many games in the bedroom for a later time. Maybe not have been true for all even way back then. Granny did Grandpa eat you?

But now in the 21st Century, most all have tried the sex games. If he did not eat you when you were going hot and heavy nearly every night, why on earth would you think he would suddenly find this luxury and think it was one of the best things ever.

Even when my guy has been away for a while and gets home exhausted and find me about to the climb the walls, I always know he will go down on me for as long as it takes until I am completely satisfied. And some of those times it does take a while.

Of course he loves the taste of pussy and has gone down on me since the second date. If being eaten is important to you ladies and your guy not so much I strongly suggest you keep looking. There are lots of guys and lots of them will buy a girl a ring.
ArtMan
Posted: Saturday, March 17, 2012 9:56:44 PM

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Joined: 6/29/2011
Posts: 654
Location: South Florida, United States
By the time you reach 7 years of marriage the sex is great. You are just both having it with other people.
6

You are invited to read Passionate Danger, Part II, a story collaboration by Kim and ArtMan.
http://www.lushstories.com/stories/straight-sex/passionate-danger-part-ii.aspx

nympho_slave
Posted: Tuesday, May 01, 2012 3:36:09 AM

Rank: Rookie Scribe

Joined: 10/12/2011
Posts: 9
Location: United Kingdom
Our sex life was amazing before though he was perfect and it suddenly dissapeared x
Coyotie
Posted: Thursday, May 17, 2012 12:36:51 PM

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Joined: 10/12/2010
Posts: 21
I've been married for almost 15yrs. I can completely understand. I wanted more sex, hell I needed it even after our only child was born. There are other issues, but to make a long story short i started looking online. I never met anyone from here, but often would have phone sex w/ the same guy until one night he caught me. I did have some of the best sex ever with him, but it was short lived. That was 4yrs ago and to this day he likes to remind me of how that night ripped out his heart.

So I suggest as difficult as it may be is talking to him. Set up a time to talk. Make it about him as him questions, do not challenge or confront him it will just shut him down. Try to set it so it makes him think he is coming up with the ideas how to make things better, even if ur the one making the suggestions. I honestly wish I would have talked to my husband instead.
Guest
Posted: Friday, May 18, 2012 2:49:22 PM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 652,865
No sex after marriage? I believe it was the philosophical Prof. Elmer Fudd who once said "Thewe's something vewwy sqwewwy going on awound hewe."
blazestcyr
Posted: Tuesday, May 22, 2012 3:07:18 PM

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Joined: 10/19/2011
Posts: 737
Location: where bugs die
sex is a huge deal to the 1 who is the receiver of the zero part.....

what sex u had before i do...cut it half...

that is marriage

so fix it before...or you WILL reget it later

i did 17 years...of it
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