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If your pet could understand English for 5 minutes, what would you say to him/her? Options · View
cathyrohan
Posted: Wednesday, April 25, 2012 11:03:56 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 11/9/2011
Posts: 320
Just a thought. I find myself talking to either my dog or my cat like they're a person, and it got me thinking. If your pet could understand English for 5 minutes, what would you say to him/her?

To my dog:
1. Chew your food. Nothing interesting is happening around you anyways, you're not gonna miss anything.
2. You'll never catch that squirrel.
3. Please pick out one part of the yard and poop there. This isn't Iraq, my backyard shouldn't be a minefield.
4. After I bathe you, please at least wait until I can't see you before going off to roll around in the dirt.

To my cat:
1. 3am isn't the time for you to crawl up next to me and start your 30 minute grooming session. You have all day to do that.
2. The vacuum cleaner is not concentrated evil. It will not hurt you.
3. Please, hack up that hairball on the tile floor for once.
4. Not every can of food I open has your name on it.

Above all, I would want them to know how much they're loved and appreciated.

"I find that a duck's opinion of me is largely influenced by whether or not I have bread". - Mitch Hedberg
Buz
Posted: Wednesday, April 25, 2012 11:19:32 AM

Rank: The Linebacker
Moderator

Joined: 3/2/2011
Posts: 7,847
Location: Atlanta, United States
If I had a dog I would say, "Bite the neighbor that wears the Georgia Tech hat!"

Archadia
Posted: Wednesday, April 25, 2012 11:30:41 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 11/1/2011
Posts: 426
Location: Middlesbrough, United Kingdom
cathyrohan wrote:
Above all, I would want them to know how much they're loved and appreciated.


If your good to them, they will already know that. Im not sure how to communicate with Dogs, but with Cats, a slow blink, or gentle squint is a sign of trust, you see cats that are comfortable/content doing this alot, so when they do it, return it. Animals use body language as much as humans im sure, but to be honest, i wouldnt want an animal that i could communicate with properly, the whole joy is having something you cant communicate with, you can say things to animals you would never tell a human soul on earth and not have to worry you're secret isnt safe....
VanGogh
Posted: Wednesday, April 25, 2012 11:31:05 AM

Rank: Sarcastic Coffee Aficionado

Joined: 2/10/2012
Posts: 3,524
Location: Vancouver, Canada
This post/thread is GREAT!!


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sugarbabe
Posted: Wednesday, April 25, 2012 11:32:25 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 9/30/2010
Posts: 691
Location: northeast, United States
cathyrohan wrote:
Just a thought. I find myself talking to either my dog or my cat like they're a person, and it got me thinking. If your pet could understand English for 5 minutes, what would you say to him/her?

To my dog:
1. Chew your food. Nothing interesting is happening around you anyways, you're not gonna miss anything.
2. You'll never catch that squirrel.
3. Please pick out one part of the yard and poop there. This isn't Iraq, my backyard shouldn't be a minefield.
4. After I bathe you, please at least wait until I can't see you before going off to roll around in the dirt.

To my cat:
1. 3am isn't the time for you to crawl up next to me and start your 30 minute grooming session. You have all day to do that.
2. The vacuum cleaner is not concentrated evil. It will not hurt you.
3. Please, hack up that hairball on the tile floor for once.
4. Not every can of food I open has your name on it.

Above all, I would want them to know how much they're loved and appreciated.


so true....that gave me my first laugh of the day. THANKS

sex is like a joke...it's only good if you get it


naughtiestmommy
Posted: Wednesday, April 25, 2012 11:38:21 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 3/26/2012
Posts: 197
Location: Coastal, United States
My 9-month old puppies apparently already understand English.

The other day they started barking at someone crossing the street (they are very protective little fur balls), and they would not stop barking. This went on for at least ten minutes. I had to use the threat of bedtime on them. The minute I asked them if they wanted to go night-night, they came in, laid down, shut up and were silent the rest of the evening.

It was pretty awesome.

.
.

I'm a loner, Dottie. A Rebel...
.
.

sprite
Posted: Wednesday, April 25, 2012 11:45:44 AM

Rank: Her Royal Spriteness
Moderator

Joined: 6/18/2010
Posts: 17,243
Location: My Tower, United States
my cats do understand English. they ignore it, but they understand it.

Live, love, laugh.
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, April 25, 2012 11:48:51 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 688,842
calm down
stop barking
stop sniffing everything, you have no pee left!
AngelHeart01
Posted: Wednesday, April 25, 2012 11:49:25 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 4/23/2010
Posts: 3,207
Location: ♥ Southern Style ♥, United States
sprite wrote:
my cats do understand English. they ignore it, but they understand it.



My Dog understands English and Spanish, but does what he wants ... ALWAYS.
naughtiestmommy
Posted: Wednesday, April 25, 2012 12:12:14 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 3/26/2012
Posts: 197
Location: Coastal, United States
cathyrohan wrote:
Just a thought. I find myself talking to either my dog or my cat like they're a person, and it got me thinking. If your pet could understand English for 5 minutes, what would you say to him/her?

To my dog:
1. Chew your food. Nothing interesting is happening around you anyways, you're not gonna miss anything.
2. You'll never catch that squirrel.
3. Please pick out one part of the yard and poop there. This isn't Iraq, my backyard shouldn't be a minefield.
4. After I bathe you, please at least wait until I can't see you before going off to roll around in the dirt.

To my cat:
1. 3am isn't the time for you to crawl up next to me and start your 30 minute grooming session. You have all day to do that.
2. The vacuum cleaner is not concentrated evil. It will not hurt you.
3. Please, hack up that hairball on the tile floor for once.
4. Not every can of food I open has your name on it.

Above all, I would want them to know how much they're loved and appreciated.


One of the funniest things I've seen all week. Thanks for the laugh. ;)

.
.

I'm a loner, Dottie. A Rebel...
.
.

Resident
Posted: Wednesday, April 25, 2012 12:22:43 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 9/24/2011
Posts: 173
Location: United Kingdom
I think everyone's pet understand a language to a certain extent, but it would
be nice to know without a doubt they understand everything you are saying.

No pets currently, but if I still had my dog:

1. Stop being a spoiled brat
2. Stop stealing my pants from my laundry
3. No matter how hard you try, you are NOT human
4. I'm taking you for a walk, not the other way around
5. Stop sitting on my foot; sit on the floor like a proper dog
6. You DO have a small-dog inferiority complex

Are you truly awake?
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, April 25, 2012 12:56:05 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 688,842
My Dog understands English and commands:
My Dog's Attack Command List evil4

01. Notre Dame Irish
02. Missouri Tigers
03. Chicago Cubs
04. Cincinnati Reds
05. Toronto Maple Leafs
06. Cincinnati Bengals
07. Cleveland Browns
08. Baltimore Ravens (But Be Ready For A Fight)
09. Jacksonville Jaguars
10. Texas A & M Aggies (DAMN!!!! I need to retrain the Devil Dog, NOT to attack because my neice goes there and the Aggies have changed conferences.)
mercianknight
Posted: Wednesday, April 25, 2012 12:58:21 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 8/11/2009
Posts: 2,027
Location: whispering conspiratorially in your ear, Bermuda
cathyrohan wrote:
Just a thought. I find myself talking to either my dog or my cat like they're a person, and it got me thinking. If your pet could understand English for 5 minutes, what would you say to him/her?

To my dog:
1. Chew your food. Nothing interesting is happening around you anyways, you're not gonna miss anything.
2. You'll never catch that squirrel.
3. Please pick out one part of the yard and poop there. This isn't Iraq, my backyard shouldn't be a minefield.
4. After I bathe you, please at least wait until I can't see you before going off to roll around in the dirt.

To my cat:
1. 3am isn't the time for you to crawl up next to me and start your 30 minute grooming session. You have all day to do that.
2. The vacuum cleaner is not concentrated evil. It will not hurt you.
3. Please, hack up that hairball on the tile floor for once.
4. Not every can of food I open has your name on it.

Above all, I would want them to know how much they're loved and appreciated.



sign5 I don't need to think about, she says it all for this cat & dog owner. laughing3

"Whoa, lady, I only speak two languages, English and bad English." - Korben Dallas, from The Fifth Element

"If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must man be of learning from experience?" - George Bernard Shaw
MissyLuvsYa
Posted: Wednesday, April 25, 2012 1:07:11 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 3/12/2011
Posts: 552
Location: somewhere on the coast, United States
Why do you always hump my fiance's leg? Do I need to be jealous or anything?laughing2
StillUndecided
Posted: Wednesday, April 25, 2012 1:54:03 PM

Rank: Captain Turtle

Joined: 12/27/2011
Posts: 846
Location: In my shell, United Kingdom
To my hamster:

I am not a toilet, so your little puddles annoy me a wee bit (ha) and your little parcels...just don't. I know you know what you're doing, you look up at me innocently as you do it...
You aren't a monkey but you act like a cheeky one.
You do think you're human don't you? Stop jumping on my biscuits.
Your teeth hurt when you bite, nibbling is allowed, biting not so. You have your own food.
You love music don't you, your ears prick up when you hear it.
Do not attack Sammy, she is Ians hamster not mine, but she likes me too. Clawing her will not help.
Nestling inbetween my breasts is okay, just don't claw me when you're getting out of there, give me a little nudge warning if you must and no matter how odd it'll look, I'll get you out.

But most of all, know that even though you may not like the unkum (ointment in Sarah speak) that I have to put in your eyes, I do it because I love you and I know they hurt you. Please don't scratch it back out.

Insert something witty here.
elitfromnorth
Posted: Wednesday, April 25, 2012 2:40:39 PM

Rank: Brawling Berserker

Joined: 2/12/2012
Posts: 1,635
Location: Burrowed, Norway
No, my socks are not food.
Yes, eating all that without chewing will make it more painful when it's gonna come out.
Don't wipe your arse on the carpet!
You can't dig a hole through the carpet!
It's not enough to brush away some snow, drop the bone there and brush snow over it again. That doesn't count as burying food.
Yes, I am making food, no it's not for you.
Yes, overprotective sheep with lambs will charge on you if they consider you a threat they can take on.

And to the mice crawling around:
I give you cunts 24 hours to stop scratching and running around in the house before I start going USA on your arse and putting up traps and getting a cat, and believe me; if I get a cat like my old one you'd rather be queing up for the traps!

"It's at that point you realise Lady Luck is actually a hooker, and you're fresh out of cash."
MMonroe
Posted: Wednesday, April 25, 2012 3:30:49 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 4/10/2009
Posts: 1,893
Location: United Kingdom
sprite wrote:
my cats do understand English. they ignore it, but they understand it.


Haha, oh absolutely, mine do too ;)

To my cat:
WHY do you sit in one spot and meow very loudly to see if anyone is home rather than actually come and find us? Also why do you do this in the bathroom?!

Why dont you come and sleep on my bed anymore?
What do you do when you're outside or home alone?
Are you ever actually hungry or are you just greedy?
Why dont you like being picked up, and why wont you sit on peoples laps?
And.... i think you're adorable and thank you for greeting me in the driveway whe i get out my car




*Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable?*



sunshinehigh
Posted: Wednesday, April 25, 2012 3:54:52 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 3/27/2012
Posts: 208
Location: United States
To my dog: Please just tell me when you have to go pee and stop eating everything i leave at your level



also whats your obsession with the toes of my socks and licking me when i get out of the shower both are creepy
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, April 25, 2012 5:13:07 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 688,842
My puppy dog 'understands' what feels like quite a lot of English... he knows the 'names' of all his different toys, the names of all his favourite people/dogs, he responds to 'can you sit please' better than he responds to 'sit' or 'sit down' (much to my amusement when a bossy family friends tries to train our apparently appallingly behaved dog in the 5 minutes she has with him angry7 ), he knows to go away when asked, to go and lie down, that it's 'bedtime'. He's one of those dogs that cocks his head at EVERYthing you say, sometimes I think he must understand more than he lets on - scary!

Anyway...what I would say to him is:

1) Scratching up the carpet at the bottom of the stairs at 4am is NOT on
2) The way that you do that little stretch of yours to push that fart out is NOT sneaky and I DO notice
3) High five on liking cheese so much!
4) Your stump will always be there...it's not going to go breaking off like your tail did (he recently broke his tail clean in half and has been looking round at his bum for it ever since!)
5) It is HIGHLY amusing how the only person you ever growl at is my mother's bastard ex husband (who hates dogs), keep up the good work
6) Nothing is more adorable then when you look behind the tv for the sheep/dogs/any other animal
7) Lastly, but most importantly, I appreciate that you always come running to me for cuddles every time I'm upset...and that when someone is crying on the tv you come over to me just to make sure that I'm not crying as well

Goodness, call me a soppy pet owner but I really don't know where I'd be without him! confused1
elitfromnorth
Posted: Wednesday, April 25, 2012 5:51:37 PM

Rank: Brawling Berserker

Joined: 2/12/2012
Posts: 1,635
Location: Burrowed, Norway
LittleBambi wrote:

2) The way that you do that little stretch of yours to push that fart out is NOT sneaky and I DO notice


Don't worry. He'll soon learn how to turn your room into a gasschamber without you knowing it before it's too late. Only a puppy after all binky

"It's at that point you realise Lady Luck is actually a hooker, and you're fresh out of cash."
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, April 25, 2012 6:16:19 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 688,842
To my dog:


What is it like to lick your balls?

What do you do on your day off....lay around and nap?

What does fur taste like?

What the fuck are you smelling in the air all the time?

They say you have this ultra sensative nose...so why the fuck do you stick it in another dogs ass when you meet?

Do you know how much pussy I would lick if I had your tongue...and I'm not talking "Friskie the cat"
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, April 25, 2012 6:38:20 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 688,842
To my doggie-pie:

Oh, Chops, I love you, but quit slobbering, it's grim trying to clean it up.
You are actually insane.
Why are you afraid of the rain? It's only wet!
Stop standing in front of the TV.
Stop lying right next to my subwoofer, it's not another dog you know!

Though I do say those things to my dog on a regular basis, he just looks at me with an idiotic grin, licking his pendulous chops as if he wants something but not even hinting at what it is he wants. Instead you've gotta coax it out of the mutt and when you eventually ask the right question, he burls around as if to say yes, I think I'd ask him why, but I'd be afraid he'd stop doing that and I'd be deprived of a laugh.
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, April 25, 2012 8:07:48 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 688,842
i would say to bruiser. (my dog. i call him that not because he is wild but because he is a little jack russel terrier that seems to get hurt alot.)

you know that you shouldn't climb on that. last time you fell off and hurt youself.

when you go outside to pee why dont you go number two at the same time instead of doing it on the kitchen floor.

how come you are happy to eat your normal dog food everyday but when i make meatball suddenly dogfood is no good for you.

please stop scraping your butt along the carpet. no its not cute.

5:30am is not a good time to go for a walk.

whaen i bath you please dont splash all over the place. it looks like ive been throwing buckets of water at the walls.

stop chasing the five year old kid from next door. i know he's scared of you but you don't need to make it worse.
Unlaw
Posted: Wednesday, April 25, 2012 9:45:00 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 1/2/2011
Posts: 386
Location: Planet Earth, Canada
My dog -
Thanks so much for being so excited every time I walk in the door, even if I've been gone only 10 seconds.
I love you for being you.
I'm amazingly proud of the way you protect our home and everyone in it, love your bark and low growl when someone is coming to the door.
I wish you could talk back to me so I could completely understand all the faces you make.
I wish you would grow as old as me and live by human years not dog years...because I will never have enough time with you...
TXhoney
Posted: Wednesday, April 25, 2012 9:58:00 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 8/26/2011
Posts: 138
Location: United States
Unlaw wrote:
My dog -
Thanks so much for being so excited every time I walk in the door, even if I've been gone only 10 seconds.
I love you for being you.
I'm amazingly proud of the way you protect our home and everyone in it, love your bark and low growl when someone is coming to the door.
I wish you could talk back to me so I could completely understand all the faces you make.
I wish you would grow as old as me and live by human years not dog years...because I will never have enough time with you...


Loved this! Couldn't have said it better.

Nikki703
Posted: Thursday, April 26, 2012 1:25:10 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 8/7/2009
Posts: 13,893
Location: The Other Side Of The Mirror
My cats understand English very well but they choose not to listen most of the time.

Im not sure that my dog even understands dog! LOL
Guest
Posted: Thursday, April 26, 2012 1:31:46 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 688,842
not sure nikki usually just points. oh wow, totally misread the question, thought you asked what would the pet understand, heehee
Guest
Posted: Thursday, April 26, 2012 3:58:43 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 688,842
elitfromnorth wrote:


Don't worry. He'll soon learn how to turn your room into a gasschamber without you knowing it before it's too late. Only a puppy after all binky


My 'puppy' is 2 in just over a month d'oh!
BeautifulSpirit
Posted: Thursday, April 26, 2012 7:12:53 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 9/16/2010
Posts: 129
Location: who cares, United States
I would tell my cats how much they mean to me and thank them for their love. Most importantly never ever get near the road (driveway) My $&@$$ neighbor I suspect hit him on purpose. Grrrrrrr.
unicorn92
Posted: Friday, April 27, 2012 11:35:31 PM

Rank: Story Verifier
Moderator

Joined: 3/11/2011
Posts: 993
Location: surfing on a rainbow, United States
sprite wrote:
my cats do understand English. they ignore it, but they understand it.

Mine do too. I'm sure they know what "NO" and "Off the table" mean by now, but they have selective hearing lol
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