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Am i being too harsh? Options · View
MMonroe
Posted: Monday, June 22, 2009 8:25:47 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 4/10/2009
Posts: 1,893
Location: United Kingdom
I dont know what to do about my ex.

We were together for about 3 months although it was about a year in the waiting. He lives in Stevenage and i was at uni in Cambridge so not far to go on the train (about 40 mins). About a month ago he lost his job and i went back home to Essex for the holidays (about an hour and a half drive away). I was prepared to go and visit him all the time cos he doesnt have a car and i do, but he broke up with me. He has no money and is having to focus on his band to get more gigs and more money and has no time to see me. Combined with the distance he said it wasnt fair on me, despite me saying i was happy with the relationship.

About a week ago, we spoke about meeting up as friends for a catch up and when i asked about where we were he said to take things slow. Heres the problem: i dont see what there is to take slow. Everything was perfect before and if the distance isnt a problem as friends then why are we only friends? I can imagine that once he gets a job and im back Cambridge in September he'll want to start things up again but i'm finding this all too superficial. Things like money and distance dont matter to me and i dont think they should, its like the relationship and me isnt good enough unless everything is perfect and we can see each other. I know he's no lying cheating scumbag who would just use me, so none of those comments please :)

Am i being too harsh here and maybe start things up again when things are better? I dont just wanna forget this cos it took so long for us to get together



*Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable?*



DBarclay
Posted: Monday, June 22, 2009 8:58:01 AM

Rank: Mr Nobody

Joined: 2/28/2008
Posts: 948
Location: Florida, United States
he said it wasnt fair on me


Classic word ... That means whether you like it or nor
"I have more interesting things to do"
Guest
Posted: Monday, June 22, 2009 3:36:32 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 659,267
MMonroe wrote:
Everything was perfect before and if the distance isnt a problem as friends then why are we only friends?


Seems like distance isn't the real issue, and maybe things weren't quite so perfect before... at least from his perspective.
Guest
Posted: Monday, June 22, 2009 4:58:57 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 659,267
That's a tough one. You told him you would like to continue the relationship, but when he talks about it, he's giving you a cold shoulder, telling you to go slow and evading your plan to see him. If he doesn't want to keep going in these different circumstances, ask him the "why?" question.
Lisa
Posted: Monday, June 22, 2009 7:01:21 PM

Rank: Moderator

Joined: 3/3/2009
Posts: 5,168
Location: Victoria, Australia
From what you've mentioned so far, you're putting in most of the effort and he only wants to be involved when the circumstances suit him. I wouldn't suggest he's lying/cheating etc, but all the signs point toward him wanting a casual relationship where he doesn't have to commit to anything long-term/serious right now. It all really depends on what you want and what you're looking for in a relationship. Can you go along with his terms, or is there a way to make a compromise that suits you both?
techgoddess
Posted: Monday, June 22, 2009 11:59:08 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 2/9/2008
Posts: 1,980
Location: In my own little world, United States
It may be that he's just not that into you. You deserve better. Don't settle for something that has to be forced or fixed. Direct your energies toward finding someone who finds a way to be a part of your life, despite the distance.

Best of luck to you!


~~Tech
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do...
MMonroe
Posted: Tuesday, June 23, 2009 8:09:24 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 4/10/2009
Posts: 1,893
Location: United Kingdom
techgoddess wrote:
Don't settle for something that has to be forced or fixed. Direct your energies toward finding someone who finds a way to be a part of your life, despite the distance.


Good point. I guess me coming on here to ask for advice about it isn't a good sign, and from experience I find that when it gets to this point it goes downhill afterwards. Why cant everyone jst be honest in the first place without it leading to this ggrrr.



*Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable?*



Guest
Posted: Tuesday, June 23, 2009 8:21:01 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 659,267
Enjoy your summer break, clear your head of past worries, and return to school refreshed and focused.

You are young and have plenty of time ahead you, you need not to force relationships now.

Let them come to you. Chances are you have not met the right guy.
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, June 24, 2009 11:21:30 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 659,267
MMonroe wrote:
Why cant everyone jst be honest in the first place without it leading to this ggrrr.


because he wants to let you go without really letting you go,which is wimpy bullshit, and shows a lack of respect. He gives himself closure without affording you that same courtesy. So...you just have to find your own closure.
Bunny12
Posted: Monday, September 07, 2009 10:20:28 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 9/2/2009
Posts: 1,008
Location: My own little world, United States
He's screwing around with your head dump him and full speed ahead. Sounds like you're in England? Man English guys are HOT there are many right on this site time to go fishing!

Bunny12


Bunny Rabbits cute and fuzzy they want to love you but they have razor sharp teeth - don't piss them off!
mercianknight
Posted: Wednesday, September 09, 2009 12:09:19 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 8/11/2009
Posts: 2,027
Location: whispering conspiratorially in your ear, Bermuda
Bunny12 wrote:
He's screwing around with your head dump him and full speed ahead. Sounds like you're in England? Man English guys are HOT there are many right on this site time to go fishing!


Now, if I'd said that then I would have been called all sorts of uncomplimentary names!!! She's right. 3601

Did I mention I'm English? hello2

"Whoa, lady, I only speak two languages, English and bad English." - Korben Dallas, from The Fifth Element

"If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must man be of learning from experience?" - George Bernard Shaw
Guest
Posted: Friday, September 18, 2009 6:02:06 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 659,267
DBarclay wrote:
he said it wasnt fair on me


Classic word ... That means whether you like it or nor
"I have more interesting things to do"



I have to totally agree with Barclay on this one, saying it wasn't fair on you, I hate when men do that, they are bypassing finishing with you. They bundle those words up so neatly, it messes with you head. I think why he said that is because he want's you to agree with him, so he does not have to feel gulity about ending it. Then he can say to mates we ended it mutually.
Guest
Posted: Friday, September 18, 2009 6:05:05 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 659,267
HoneyBee000 wrote:
DBarclay wrote:
he said it wasnt fair on me


Classic word ... That means whether you like it or nor
"I have more interesting things to do"



I have to totally agree with Barclay on this one, saying it wasn't fair on you, I hate when men do that, they are bypassing finishing with you. They bundle those words up so neatly, it messes with you head. I think why he said that is because he want's you to agree with him, so he does not have to feel gulity about ending it. Then he can say to mates we ended it mutually.


I agree.
MMonroe
Posted: Friday, September 18, 2009 6:37:23 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 4/10/2009
Posts: 1,893
Location: United Kingdom
Umm.. confused5 ok, well we might be getting back together, i dont know. Gonna meet up first and talk things through, and yes, i'm gonna give him a kick up the backside... we'll see what happens



*Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable?*



Guest
Posted: Friday, September 18, 2009 8:37:54 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 659,267
Good luck, Double-M.
MMonroe
Posted: Saturday, September 19, 2009 5:03:57 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 4/10/2009
Posts: 1,893
Location: United Kingdom
Hmm umm maybe not. Bit of a shock last night when he asked me if i wanted to be fuck buddies. Still no answer when i said i thought we were gonna be more than that... Ah well plenty more fish in the sea and all that



*Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable?*



Guest
Posted: Saturday, September 19, 2009 8:05:36 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 659,267
It sounds like his true intentions are out now. I'm sorry to hear that.
Guest
Posted: Sunday, September 20, 2009 3:41:39 AM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 659,267
At least you now know what his intentions are now. I'm sure it was not nice to hear, but at least there is no more wondering what if's, good luck going fishing hee hee
fystee
Posted: Sunday, September 20, 2009 4:06:48 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 9/28/2007
Posts: 1,285
Location: tied up somewhere
Now you know the truth at least. Its up to you now as to what you want to do. Are you happy to be just fuck buddies with him or do you want something more?
MMonroe
Posted: Sunday, September 20, 2009 12:26:14 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 4/10/2009
Posts: 1,893
Location: United Kingdom
Well i was the under the impression that we were gonna try again as a proper couple so I dont think i could be fuck buddies with him. I'm all for fuck buddies, just not with him, it would be too hard as i thought i meant more to him than just that.





*Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable?*



Guest
Posted: Wednesday, September 23, 2009 7:26:21 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 659,267
MMonroe wrote:
Hmm umm maybe not. Bit of a shock last night when he asked me if i wanted to be fuck buddies. Still no answer when i said i thought we were gonna be more than that... Ah well plenty more fish in the sea and all that


Is that his version of "taking it slow" Whoo boy. I kinda had a feeling it was going to go somewhere like that from the info you told.

I don't think a fuck buddy is what you want from this one. Please don't fall into the trap of thinking it might work out if you go for his suggestion. You sound like a nice girl who deserves much much better.
horneyallthetime
Posted: Wednesday, September 23, 2009 10:25:42 AM

Rank: Rookie Scribe

Joined: 6/9/2009
Posts: 6
Location: RDU, United States
My take on this is that if I were in your position, I would work hard to accept the reality of his words. I've had to do this in the past in my relationships romantic and otherwise.

To me the reality of this situation is that his feelings are far different than yours. In the past I have never received a straight answer for the question 'Why?' I have boggled my mined analyzing the question why, and have in recent years (the last 8 years) given up on asking 'why?' for the most part. Instead I focus on looking at the actions of the other person to understand their true feelings. If the answer is not the one I want, then I focus on myself and I focus on accepting at face value these actions and words without my forcing my feelings on them. As a friend of mine says, watch their feet. Another friend of mine tells me to not try to force square pegs into round holes.

My job is to accept the reality of situations weather I like it or not. Only by doing that can I take the actions in my life to make me happy. The process of acceptance can hurt, but I have found that living a lie and trying to force a situation hurts even more. My heart goes out to you, and I wish you the best in dealing with this.

DBarclay
Posted: Wednesday, September 23, 2009 10:29:13 AM

Rank: Mr Nobody

Joined: 2/28/2008
Posts: 948
Location: Florida, United States
You was doing well with the analysis until you got to weather
mercianknight
Posted: Monday, September 28, 2009 6:57:41 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 8/11/2009
Posts: 2,027
Location: whispering conspiratorially in your ear, Bermuda
MMonroe wrote:
Well i was the under the impression that we were gonna try again as a proper couple so I dont think i could be fuck buddies with him. I'm all for fuck buddies, just not with him, it would be too hard as i thought i meant more to him than just that.



Time to move on. Not all all guys are jerks - just most of us. icon_smile

"Whoa, lady, I only speak two languages, English and bad English." - Korben Dallas, from The Fifth Element

"If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must man be of learning from experience?" - George Bernard Shaw
MMonroe
Posted: Monday, September 28, 2009 7:57:30 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 4/10/2009
Posts: 1,893
Location: United Kingdom
Oh god now you're all gonna think i'm so naive and i bet half of you arent interested but im saying anyway.

Apparently the whole fuck buddy thing was a joke, and i know the kinds of responses i'm gonna get to this but I could tell by the way he reacted when i told him where to go that it was. Will be hopefully meeting up in the next week or 2 for a drink and a chat so hopefully then i'll be able to see what is actually going on here. Call me stupid and naive and gulliable if you want but im thinking it all looks good from here, for now.



*Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable?*



Lisa
Posted: Monday, September 28, 2009 2:03:38 PM

Rank: Moderator

Joined: 3/3/2009
Posts: 5,168
Location: Victoria, Australia
I don't think you're stupid or naive, MM. It doesn't hurt to hear him out. If you stay in control of the situation you've got nothing to lose.

To me it seems like he was serious about his suggestion, but when he heard your reaction he decided to do a bit of back-pedalling to try and fix it. I could be wrong, though!

Good luck. I hope it all works out well.
mercianknight
Posted: Wednesday, September 30, 2009 6:38:45 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 8/11/2009
Posts: 2,027
Location: whispering conspiratorially in your ear, Bermuda
Okay MM. You're a big girl, so I have to agree with Lisa and wish you the best of luck. d'oh!

Mind you, in today's technology obsessed world, you could test how sincere he is when you meet by asking him to hand over his mobile phone. Tell him up front you want to look at his recent texts and calls and base part of your decision, at least, on his reaction.

Did I really just say that???? geek

"Whoa, lady, I only speak two languages, English and bad English." - Korben Dallas, from The Fifth Element

"If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must man be of learning from experience?" - George Bernard Shaw
MMonroe
Posted: Wednesday, September 30, 2009 9:25:39 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 4/10/2009
Posts: 1,893
Location: United Kingdom
I'm not worried about him cheating, for some reason that just hasnt cropped up in my mind, not like the guy before him when i was paranoid about it all the time.

We're still waiting to meet up cos we're both busy with uni and jobs and there are just loads of stuff i wanna talk to him about first. He's never had a proper relationship until me and said he didnt really know what he was doing so i'm giving him the benefit of the doubt for now. Good news is he's contacted me every night for a week now to say hi so i dont feel like im pushing him



*Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable?*



Bunny12
Posted: Wednesday, September 30, 2009 7:48:12 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 9/2/2009
Posts: 1,008
Location: My own little world, United States
MMonroe wrote:
I'm not worried about him cheating, for some reason that just hasnt cropped up in my mind, not like the guy before him when i was paranoid about it all the time.

We're still waiting to meet up cos we're both busy with uni and jobs and there are just loads of stuff i wanna talk to him about first. He's never had a proper relationship until me and said he didnt really know what he was doing so i'm giving him the benefit of the doubt for now. Good news is he's contacted me every night for a week now to say hi so i dont feel like im pushing him



All I can say is be prepared for a broken heart honey and good luck! If it does work out make sure to train him right from the get go since he claims he does not know what he's doing. Make your expectations PERFECTLY CLEAR never expect him to just figure it out.

Bunny12


Bunny Rabbits cute and fuzzy they want to love you but they have razor sharp teeth - don't piss them off!
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