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Would You Be Prepared For The Long Haul? Options · View
Shylass
Posted: Friday, July 06, 2012 2:39:12 PM

Rank: Gingerbread Lover

Joined: 1/6/2012
Posts: 3,653
Location: Trumpton, United Kingdom
I know a lot of you guys say a confident lass is a sexy lass, and I understand that; I get it.

However, what about the lass who you like for her nature, personality, and character, even if her looks are not what you would fantasise about? What would it take for you to want to put in the time for her to learn to trust you, and learn to feel more confident around you when she has been told not-very-nice things about herself in the past? Like, if she wanted to trust you and be comfortable around you, but her past experiences meant she felt bad about many aspects of herself, and she was afeared you would hurt her too.

Would you be able to be patient with her? Would you be prepared to put up with low self-esteem and fear of being hurt if you really liked her, and she showed she was able to grow into the relationship?

Or do you just not go there at all? How do you decide when she's worth it?

Also, have you ever told a lass things about herself and/or appearance that were hurtful, and if so, why, and do you regret it or stand by it?

Thank you in advance of any replies.


Ut incepit fidelis, sic permanet.

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WorkAlone
Posted: Friday, July 06, 2012 11:15:14 PM

Rank: Cogent Sensualist

Joined: 2/27/2010
Posts: 1,516
Location: Subject to Change without Notice, Canada
Quite a series of questions you ask there, lass. I'll see if I can answer them all.

Shylass wrote:
I know a lot of you guys say a confident lass is a sexy lass, and I understand that; I get it.


Oh, you have no idea how incredibly sexy a strong, confident woman who owns her own sexuality can be......hmmmm, I may need a minute before continuing here....

Shylass wrote:
However, what about the lass who you like for her nature, personality, and character, even if her looks are not what you would fantasise about? What would it take for you to want to put in the time for her to learn to trust you, and learn to feel more confident around you when she has been told not-very-nice things about herself in the past? Like, if she wanted to trust you and be comfortable around you, but her past experiences meant she felt bad about many aspects of herself, and she was afeared you would hurt her too.


We've all been told nasty things in the past and we all have baggage. My experience (as a straight male) is that a lot of women have been told a LOT of negative things about themselves, both directly (bfs, gfs, Moms, etc.) and indirectly (media is a biggie here). Basically, there's nothing unusual about a woman who is senstive about something about her appearance. In reality, if you look around, how many women fall into the "fantasy" category? So, I think the reality is that we all get attracted by things other than just looks. Willl we walk across a bar for personality? No, because we can't see that, but believe me, it counts for a lot more than popular media will lead you to believe. (let's be honest though, you wouldn't walk across the bar for a guy who's a 4 in the hopes he has a "personality" to compensate either, would you?)Here's the direct answer--it wouldn't take anything, if I'm interested in a woman, I'll do what I can to make her comfortable and to help her see what I see in her.

Shylass wrote:
Would you be able to be patient with her? Would you be prepared to put up with low self-esteem and fear of being hurt if you really liked her, and she showed she was able to grow into the relationship?


The answer to this is pretty obvious: if you're into someone, you put in the time and effort. In a lot of ways, men and women really aren't so very different. There are limits to this, of course, but yes, of course I (and likely many of the royal "we") would put in the effort and be patient with someone we're interested in.

Again, the honest truth is we're all scarred so dealing with self-esteem is pretty much just the cost of dating.

Shylass wrote:
Or do you just not go there at all? How do you decide when she's worth it?


Someone who won't go there at all isn't worth your time.

She's worth it if I'm happier with her than without her. Basically if the reward is worth the effort (reward here being expressed in terms of affection and happiness, not just "eye candy" or "points"--we're not all that shallow).


Shylass wrote:
Also, have you ever told a lass things about herself and/or appearance that were hurtful, and if so, why, and do you regret it or stand by it?


Of course I have said hurtful things. Just about anyone who's been in a long-term relationship has been in a fight and fights beget hurtful comments sometimes, in offense or defence. No, in my case, it has never been about appearance because, frankly, it's not that important to me and I know it'd be hurt for the sake of hurt. I have, however, been on the receiving end of a lot of such comments. When I have said something hurtful, of course I regret it. I'll own the part that's a true reflection of my feelings, of course.

I hope that helps.
Shylass
Posted: Saturday, July 07, 2012 1:28:04 PM

Rank: Gingerbread Lover

Joined: 1/6/2012
Posts: 3,653
Location: Trumpton, United Kingdom
WorkAlone wrote:


I hope that helps.


Yes, thank you very much. Big Hugs

Ut incepit fidelis, sic permanet.

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Guest
Posted: Saturday, July 07, 2012 7:02:53 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 659,414
If I truly did like her, I would put up with just about anything. But at some point resentment might set in and I wouldn't want to hurt her by being impatient.

And yes I have said things that may have been hurtful to a woman, and I wouldnt take them back. She asked what I thought and I told her, I wasnt being rude, just truthful.
Shylass
Posted: Saturday, July 07, 2012 7:15:17 PM

Rank: Gingerbread Lover

Joined: 1/6/2012
Posts: 3,653
Location: Trumpton, United Kingdom
beeper726 wrote:
If I truly did like her, I would put up with just about anything. But at some point resentment might set in and I wouldn't want to hurt her by being impatient.

And yes I have said things that may have been hurtful to a woman, and I wouldnt take them back. She asked what I thought and I told her, I wasnt being rude, just truthful.


Thnak you for responding. Big Hugs

I know I haven't been very clear, sorry. It's difficult to put into words. I don't mean things where you are asked for an opinion (although I like to think my mates would be as tactful as I would be with them if it's not good news! evil4 ). I meant things that you might not even necessarily think are true, but you knew it would specifically hurt them, for whatever reason you had. Like, you spent months and months telling them one thing about themselves, and then suddenly just turned on them and said everything the opposite to what you had previously said. I don't really want to be more specific than that, sorry. Things you said just to hurt her. I guess it depends on the people, probably, and now I'm just waffling on like a pillock, sorry. tard


Ut incepit fidelis, sic permanet.

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hamz
Posted: Saturday, July 07, 2012 10:44:58 PM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 5/16/2012
Posts: 83
Location: New Zealand
I have been in the long haul for 12 years now.. I first came across my wife when we were in college (17-18 year olds) and she was quite reserved - quite shy as well - however, she was also good looking and intelligent. She was unlike every other girl - a bit mysterious... I actually became friends with her friends for a couple of years as a means to get into her world (slowly but steadily) and actually get to know the person... we clicked... and have grown together since.. the journey has hardly been easy though.. she's gone through some really challenging and difficult phases.. and i have always been there for her.. (she's also been there for me whenever I needed her) . I guess, if you truly love someone then nothing else matters.. because your entire world is this person... the looks, the shyness, deficiencies .. you can overcome all those and lead a happy and fulfilling life...as long as the love keeps growing!
at least that has been my experience so far..

oh.. and yes.. although, i have been careful not to hurt anyone because of their looks, i am sure i haven't been successful every time and a few might have got hurt on the way! :(

Did this answer your question? Hope it did..
Guest
Posted: Saturday, July 07, 2012 11:46:52 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 659,414
hamz wrote:
...I first came across my wife when we were in college (17-18 year olds) ...


laughing6

Couldn't help it...
1ball
Posted: Sunday, July 08, 2012 12:49:57 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 9/13/2011
Posts: 970
Location: United States
Quote:
Would you be able to be patient with her?


I can only guess what I would be like if I were single now, but I can tell you that patience doesn't last forever. If someone is getting nothing (s)he wants from spending time with another someone, why would (s)he spend time with them? If the potential reward is low and the potential risk is high, it only looks like a good deal to a fool. Now that I have taken human relationships down to the basest level, I can think about what it would take to keep me interested in pursuing someone who has low self esteem and a low level of physical attractiveness (to me). It would have to be far more than the prospect that they might eventually become sufficiently appealing. There would have to be both signals of progress at overcoming the low self esteem and sufficient incentives/rewards for spending time with them. Spending time with people who have high demands and satisfying their demands while getting nothing in return is simply being used. Now, if she is generally enjoyable to be around but has down days, that's acceptable. So let's get to your other specific questions.

Quote:
Would you be prepared to put up with low self-esteem and fear of being hurt if you really liked her, and she showed she was able to grow into the relationship?


As long as she remained generally likable, I think she would remain at least a friend. Getting out of the friend zone and into the lover zone would depend on how well she showed she was able to grow into the relationship. Prior to making a lifelong commitment, someone who offered me more could snatch me away from someone who offered me less. I'm not talking about more beauty or more sex or more money or anything specific, just more fulfillment for the time invested. So in some sense, the competition is in control, but this may not mean a competing person. If my own life isn't going so well outside my love life, I may head for greener pastures.

Quote:
Or do you just not go there at all?


I think I would go where my best options invite me.

Quote:
How do you decide when she's worth it?


When she becomes part of the package of the best deal offered. Trust me on this. I've met some beautiful women who are walking train wrecks and I would not choose them over someone who isn't. Beauty and confidence doesn't guaranty compatibility. It may seem like I'm saying a woman should set herself up for being used by a guy who's willing to spend time with her if she puts out enough whatever. That guy has competition same as that woman does. Life isn't fair. We use each other and we try to get the best deal we can. We just measure the value of that deal based on some high ideals that favor mutually fulfilling romantic relationships.

Quote:
Also, have you ever told a lass things about herself and/or appearance that were hurtful, and if so, why, and do you regret it or stand by it?


Not until I was involved with them and only to the extent required by a need for honest communication. In other words, if solving an incompatibility problem required telling a hurtful truth, then the intent of solving the problem provides the incentive for honesty. Being deliberately cruel or dishonest is not my nature, but hurting sometimes precedes healing.


My latest story is too hot to publish. My most recent story before that is Even Stranger In Lust
Shylass
Posted: Sunday, July 08, 2012 6:56:25 AM

Rank: Gingerbread Lover

Joined: 1/6/2012
Posts: 3,653
Location: Trumpton, United Kingdom
Thank you for your replies. Big Hugs


(SeaCreature, I giggled too.)


Ut incepit fidelis, sic permanet.

***
********************************CLICK THE BANNERS TO BUY THESE WILLY-STIFFENING BOOKS!********************************
HighDesert
Posted: Sunday, July 08, 2012 7:02:52 AM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 2/5/2012
Posts: 50
Location: United States
Never have said anything hurtful about looks per se. But onto the bigger question, I probably would not be around long enough to find out. People's worth is, in large part, defined by their own feelings of self worth. That doesn't mean that I want some uppity bitch, but to try and be with someone with no self confidence would be out of the question, no matter what she looked like. I have been with a number of exceptional looking women (my wife is one of them... YEAH!) as well as some not so exceptional. The one's that were not great looking had great big personalities and a lot of confidence.

Back when I was a teacher, there was a new 3rd grade teacher that I and ALL of the other male teachers had a crush on. She had big beautiful 22 yo breasts, but other than that... not much going on,and I mean that her body was so-so, and her face...meh. The personalty on her though... confident but modest, a bit sassy, super nice and a touch flirtatious. She also just had the air about her that she would be very easy to make the transition from conversation to making out with. My good friend ended up dating her for a number of years and they recently broke up. She has 0 problem with guys, and it's all in the personality.
Pretzel
Posted: Monday, July 09, 2012 12:20:45 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 3/9/2012
Posts: 141
Location: United States
it's always a good thing to get to know someone really well.

If i met a woman that I thought was a great person and she wanted to be with me but it would take time...i'd wait. How long would depend on the progress with trust.
Milik_Redman
Posted: Tuesday, July 10, 2012 5:29:10 AM

Rank: Internet Philosopher
Moderator

Joined: 8/14/2009
Posts: 4,753
Location: somewhere deep under the Earth, United States
The only time in my life I was ever really in love was (or rather is) with a woman with a few extra pounds and curves. She is not the most beautiful woman in the world but she has an inner sexiness that I still find irresistible. I think she loved that I am not judgmental. She has had more than her share of that and certainly didn't need more from me.

I had found that we could actually talk about anything. We had the same rather subdued sense of humor. The same interests in books and we both read voraciously. Where I can be distant she is gregarious. When I became despondent, she would listen. She is also the only woman I have dared to share my writing with although sadly, execpt for my poems, she is not at all interested in it.

My only complaint was that she was not as sexually adventurous as I and that eventually became an issue. Between that and my own penchant for running away from commitment we had a break up that was intensely painful to me and pushed me into a prolonged depression. I realize now that this was the only time I've ever really had my heart broken.

We are able to see each other as friends now with an occasional romp but our relationship is more as friends than lovers.

My point is that despite the number of very attractive ladies Ive had the pleasure to be with, it was a woman who lacked that common perception of beauty who made me feel most complete. Physical beauty is candy for the eye but it was a woman who made me feel whole who meant most to me.
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