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Farting on the man of your dreams! Options · View
lafayettemister
Posted: Tuesday, August 28, 2012 9:29:05 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 10/4/2010
Posts: 6,428
Location: Alabama, United States
Like everything in life, farts have a time and place. However, I never realized that in the wrong time and place, flatulence had enough power to alter my course in history. Well, it can if it’s the third date with the man of your dreams. And, if it makes his eyes burn. If God destined us to be together, I was one SBD away from foiling His plans (that’s “Silent But Deadly” for you prudes).

It was about five years ago. I was trying to lose a few pounds so I was staying away from carbs. That’s when I met my husband, Rob. On our first date, he booked the next two. He liked me. I liked him. Things were looking real good.

He picked me up in a Cobra, Mustang and his pathetic attempt to win me over with a car totally worked. I’m not shallow, but since I spent most of my twenties picking men up because I didn’t want my hair to frizz in their non-air conditioned jalopies on 3 wheels and a 15 year old spare, I welcomed his fancy sports car with open arms.

We arrived at the restaurant and Rob was ordering food I hadn’t allowed myself to eat in years. I didn’t want to be “that girl” so I ate, drank, and oh, was I merry. Later we shopped a bit. Rob surprised me by buying an expensive pair of shoes that he caught me eyeing. Was this love?

That’s when it happened. Gas strikes in two different ways – uncontrollable toots or sharp, shooting pains that feel a lot like dying. I thought I was dying. Not to make a scene, I told Rob I suddenly wasn’t feeling well and probably needed to head home.

On the way home in his Cobra, he tried to hold my hand and ask me lots of questions, but I wasn’t having any of it. The pain was so bad it felt like I was being stabbed with a bunch of tiny forks. Then I realized …

My God, help me. I have a horrendous fart on deck. I’m in trouble. Big trouble.

"How do you tell a man you just started dating that the reason you're writhing in pain is because you need to fart?"

The more I held it in, the more pain would shoot through my stomach and down my legs. I was even having to raise myself off the seat, gripping on to my door and the dashboard.

“Seriously, you need to hurry – I’m in a lot of pain.” I managed to say through gritted teeth.

“Wow, it’s that bad? What’s wrong? Do I need to take you to a hospital?”

How do you tell a man you just started dating that the reason you’re writhing in pain is because you have to fart?

Well, you can either tell him, or like me, let the fart speak for itself.

People, hear me. There was nothing I could do. As impressive as I am with sphincter control, this was out of my hands. Slowly, it eeked out. The more I tried to stop it, the more it forced it’s way through the door. However, to my pleasant surprise, there was no sound. I sat silently, sweat accumulating above my upper lip. Ok, maybe I got away with it. Maybe I’m home free. Then it hit me. Not an idea, a cloud. A horrific, fart cloud. Not in a, “am I smelling something?” sort of way. More like a “is someone dead and rotting in your trunk and am I in hell?” sort of way.

Suddenly, I panicked. “Roll down the windows!” I screamed (yes, I literally screamed it like I was in a horror movie).

“What? Why?” Rob asked, starting to freak out because I was freaking out.

“I can’t roll down the windows, unlock it! UNLOCK IT!”

“What’s going on?” Rob yells back to me, “Why are you …” then it hit him. I could see it in his eyes. Was it surprise? Horror? Water started to accumulate at the base of his eyelids, “Oh my God, I CAN TASTE IT!” he screamed.

“Roll down the windows!” As I screamed, the toots started to flood out uncontrollably. I scratched and clawed at the window like I was being kidnapped. Rob, unable to see either by fart cloud or panic, kept turning on the windshield wipers instead of unlocking the window.

It was chaos. We were acting like we were under siege by gun fire. We were under siege alright, just not by gun fire.

Finally he was able to hit the right control and he rolled down our windows. We both gulped in fresh air. I was horrified, yet happy to be alive, then remembered I just farted on the man of dreams, then sorta wished I was dead.

We sat silently for the rest of the way home. Although the shooting pains had subsided, I now desperately needed to use the bathroom, in an urgent, explosive kind of way.

He pulled up to my apartment and before he could come to a stop I had already jumped out, “Ok, thanks for dinner, sorry about the fart, love the shoes!” and ran in to my apartment like I was running from the cops.

I burst through my door and ran straight for the bathroom, where I was finally able to unleash and make noises that no one should ever, EVER, hear coming from another person.

Then I heard it. Rob’s voice. Right. Outside. My. Bathroom. Door.

“Anna? You left your shoes in my car and your front door was open. Where do you want me to put them?”

“Get away from the door!” I scream like Reagan from The Exorcist.

“Ok, I’m sorry. Are you okay?”

*toot* *toot* *splatter* *ungodly noise*

“I’m fine, Rob – just leave the shoes there. I’ll call you later okay?”

“Okay, are you sure you’re …”

“I’m fine! Get away from the door!”

This man! I mean, I love him, but take a freakin’ hint!

Finally, I heard the front door shut, and the Cobra engine zoom away. I thought that was the last I’d hear from him. I didn’t think it was possible to ever see a man again after he screams he can taste your fart after only knowing you for 48 hours.

But, to my surprise, I did. A couple days later, actually. Now we’re married and he’s laying on the couch while I type this … “It was your rack that saved you,” he just lovingly reminded me.

Well, thank you boobs. You saved us. You saved our destiny.






When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser. Socrates
sprite
Posted: Tuesday, August 28, 2012 9:31:51 AM

Rank: Her Royal Spriteness
Moderator

Joined: 6/18/2010
Posts: 16,286
Location: My Tower, United States
it's a well known fact that sprites don't fart.

Live, love, laugh.
loud_bkr
Posted: Tuesday, August 28, 2012 9:38:04 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 2/24/2011
Posts: 5,715
Location: Fuct if I know
Well Sprite.... you were spotted wearing...



Guest
Posted: Tuesday, August 28, 2012 9:39:16 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 659,474
Hahahahhah, that's the funniest thing I've read in AGES!!!!

(of course, I would never fart... anyone who tells you anything else is a big, fat LIAR)
sprite
Posted: Tuesday, August 28, 2012 9:39:21 AM

Rank: Her Royal Spriteness
Moderator

Joined: 6/18/2010
Posts: 16,286
Location: My Tower, United States
loud_bkr wrote:
Well Sprite.... you were spotted wearing...


for your information, my ass is no where near that big. bootyshake

Live, love, laugh.
TheDevilsWeakness
Posted: Tuesday, August 28, 2012 9:41:03 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 7/19/2011
Posts: 1,330
Location: I'm the girl that your father hoped he could date.
HAHAHA OMG!! Thanks LM for the giggle today!

Shylass
Posted: Tuesday, August 28, 2012 9:48:37 AM

Rank: Gingerbread Lover

Joined: 1/6/2012
Posts: 3,653
Location: Trumpton, United Kingdom
Crying with laughter! Lfunny

Ut incepit fidelis, sic permanet.

***
********************************CLICK THE BANNERS TO BUY THESE WILLY-STIFFENING BOOKS!********************************
crazydiamond
Posted: Tuesday, August 28, 2012 9:53:43 AM

Rank: Clever Gem

Joined: 7/17/2011
Posts: 2,292
Location: Exactly where I should be!, Canada
Oh jesus that was hilarious, I was laughing out loud and had tears streaming.

(and for the record girls don't fart....they puffle.)
bunny

Shylass
Posted: Tuesday, August 28, 2012 10:02:34 AM

Rank: Gingerbread Lover

Joined: 1/6/2012
Posts: 3,653
Location: Trumpton, United Kingdom
crazydiamond wrote:
Oh jesus that was hilarious, I was laughing out loud and had tears streaming.

(and for the record girls don't fart....they puffle.)
bunny



Embarassed fart Whistle


Ut incepit fidelis, sic permanet.

***
********************************CLICK THE BANNERS TO BUY THESE WILLY-STIFFENING BOOKS!********************************
sprite
Posted: Tuesday, August 28, 2012 10:03:43 AM

Rank: Her Royal Spriteness
Moderator

Joined: 6/18/2010
Posts: 16,286
Location: My Tower, United States
*poot* evil4

Live, love, laugh.
Guest
Posted: Tuesday, August 28, 2012 10:15:45 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 659,474
There's nothing like talking about farting to bring out the maturity in folk f-hihi
WellMadeMale
Posted: Tuesday, August 28, 2012 10:18:04 AM

Rank: Constant Gardener

Joined: 9/30/2009
Posts: 10,451
Location: Cakeland, United States
lafayettemister wrote:
Like everything


At least you didn't place this in the Think Tank. Props!

shaking

If ya can't beat 'em... pay someone to do it for you.
crazydiamond
Posted: Tuesday, August 28, 2012 10:21:37 AM

Rank: Clever Gem

Joined: 7/17/2011
Posts: 2,292
Location: Exactly where I should be!, Canada
Shylass wrote:



Embarassed fart Whistle




Guest
Posted: Tuesday, August 28, 2012 10:29:29 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 659,474
LauraLee_sugah
Posted: Tuesday, August 28, 2012 10:55:48 AM

Rank: Purveyor of Sweetness

Joined: 9/10/2011
Posts: 2,347
Location: the sweet, sunny south, United States
kekekegay

i have no fart jokes... but i admit that i do laugh at them...

thank you LM

asleep
Posted: Tuesday, August 28, 2012 10:56:48 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 12/30/2011
Posts: 3,707
Location: United States
sprite wrote:
*poot* evil4


Gonna change your name to "Miss POOTER Tooter"

As usual...you've made me smile today!!

Rick

http://www.lushstories.com/stories/love-stories/exit-33-trust.aspx

Big_wrench
Posted: Tuesday, August 28, 2012 11:41:17 AM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 4/17/2012
Posts: 16
Location: Lost Wages, United States
Evidently, you've gotten over the extreme embarassment of the moment & can see the funny side as you've so excelently proven. It's these kind of experiences later, after the fact, that are the cement in a relationship. Thanks for sharing!!
Shylass
Posted: Tuesday, August 28, 2012 12:38:42 PM

Rank: Gingerbread Lover

Joined: 1/6/2012
Posts: 3,653
Location: Trumpton, United Kingdom
Big_wrench wrote:
Evidently, you've gotten over the extreme embarassment of the moment & can see the funny side as you've so excelently proven. It's these kind of experiences later, after the fact, that are the cement in a relationship. Thanks for sharing!!


Cement? Only if there was follow-through...




Ut incepit fidelis, sic permanet.

***
********************************CLICK THE BANNERS TO BUY THESE WILLY-STIFFENING BOOKS!********************************
Pretzel
Posted: Tuesday, August 28, 2012 12:49:42 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 3/9/2012
Posts: 141
Location: United States
Thank you.... i have tears from laughing out of control





Guest
Posted: Tuesday, August 28, 2012 2:21:37 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 659,474
HAHAHHAHAAHAHAH I can't stop laughing!!!! Hahahahahah this was too good!!
elitfromnorth
Posted: Wednesday, August 29, 2012 8:55:27 AM

Rank: Brawling Berserker

Joined: 2/12/2012
Posts: 1,635
Location: Burrowed, Norway
The moral of the story is: You can let out the most horrendous farts, but if you have nice tits you'll get away with it



"It's at that point you realise Lady Luck is actually a hooker, and you're fresh out of cash."
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, August 29, 2012 8:59:06 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 659,474
OMFG I haven't laughed that hard in ... maybe not since I was a kid. I'm laughing so hard I am doubled over, I have tears coming out of my eyes, my stomach hurts and I'm snorting. Not a pretty sight.

Someone once asked me why is it that when we burp we say pardon, but when we fart we laugh? It's a hell of a good question I think.

Thanks for Sharing.


p.s. women don't fart they do 'windy puffs'
Nikki703
Posted: Wednesday, August 29, 2012 9:23:27 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 8/7/2009
Posts: 13,786
Location: The Other Side Of The Mirror
crazydiamond wrote:




OMG!! Poor Man's Jacuzzi!! Her reaction is priceless!! Though I do wonder if it was a fart or a queef?
Saga
Posted: Wednesday, August 29, 2012 11:14:18 AM

Rank: Sergeant Turnip
Moderator

Joined: 6/7/2012
Posts: 5,212
Location: Canada
LM - I cant stop laughing!!!! OMG that was priceless!! True love that is! :)
Shylass
Posted: Saturday, September 01, 2012 7:39:07 AM

Rank: Gingerbread Lover

Joined: 1/6/2012
Posts: 3,653
Location: Trumpton, United Kingdom
I've just been reading on a site where people are talking about California banning the sale of silver dragees (those shiny little balls used for decorating cakes etc), and this made me giggle:

"A minister's wife hosted a ladies' luncheon at her house. One of the guests brought a cake decorated with a mutitude of silver dragees, which she placed on the kitchen counter for dessert. The minister's wife, however, had a weakness for those dragees. Every time she passed the cake, she picked a few off & popped them in her mouth. Pretty soon the cake was all but bald.

Although the minister's wife loved the silver dragees, they always had an unfortunate effect on her digestion, causing a terrific build up of intestinal gas. She surely enjoyed those purloined dragees, but was having a heck of a time concealing the rumblings in her gut from the guests. She kept running into the kitchen to an attempt to hide the inevitable toots from the other ladies. Her efforts to contain her problem only made it worse.

And so it was, that she was in the kitchen when the oven timer went off, letting her know that the tray of lasagna was done. She grabbed a couple of pot holders, and bent down to pull the lasagna out of the oven. As she did so, her skirt hiked up in the back, and (you had to see this coming), the pent up gas released with a mighty blast.

She shot the family cat." evil4

Ut incepit fidelis, sic permanet.

***
********************************CLICK THE BANNERS TO BUY THESE WILLY-STIFFENING BOOKS!********************************
keoloke
Posted: Saturday, September 01, 2012 12:22:04 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 8/12/2010
Posts: 599
Location: United States
Shylass wrote:





Poor poor woman. Boy, the way the jumped ship.. there was no croc in there. It was horrendous. As I was watching it, I could feel her pain.




Choose n Practice Happiness

Life is simple; we are what we eat and what we read. Talk is superfluous.
keoloke
Posted: Saturday, September 01, 2012 12:38:45 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 8/12/2010
Posts: 599
Location: United States
lafayettemister. This story is so funny, and the fact that it's true makes it even more delightful.

HUM hum hint.... Quick... Lady from down under... make a section for funny stories.


Choose n Practice Happiness

Life is simple; we are what we eat and what we read. Talk is superfluous.
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