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Dominance and submission (not bdsm) Options · View
Prism
Posted: Friday, August 31, 2012 7:33:58 PM

Rank: Active Ink Slinger

Joined: 4/8/2012
Posts: 45
A question for ladies...

You come to Lush to understand new perspectives, right? So here goes.
I would like to see as many gals respond that would like to, whether they think the description below fits them (diverse perspectives).
This is not about bdsm, per se, as I have no interest in those acts at this time. However, I am very curious about the whole master and submission thing. To be honest, I just don't get it. I am the type of person who will not allow any ownership type control or domination over me in any way or form. Since I totally refuse it, I also don't feel the need or want to control others. I may lead, but to 'control' them and have them submit to me as if I own them, not so much.

Therefore, I am curious as to why women will surrender themselves so completely. It may be in a bdsm relationship, but I am not not interested in the act, but more in the mental and emotional surrender. What do you get from it? Do you get as much pleasure from it as the pleasure you provide? Would you want to submit so much if your partner did not want that from you? Do you feel this might be an instinctive female trait, to submit, even if you are dominant in daily life? Do you think most women yearn for this at some level, if not total submission? Sorry for all the words, but I wanted to make sure I was understood.
Dani
Posted: Saturday, September 01, 2012 5:05:56 PM

Rank: Big-Haired Bitch
Moderator

Joined: 12/25/2010
Posts: 5,659
Location: Under Your Bed, United States
I can't give a completely accurate response to this, being that I'm not into the whole dominance/submission thing, but I know people that are and I've had many in-depth conversations with them about this lifestyle. I also know that these types of relationships require a level of trust/care that people in "regular" relationships seldom tap into. For the submissive, they're completely surrendering themselves to their doms. So they rely on them for not just sexual gratification, but support and strength. I would think that this is quite humbling for the dom, but it's also a huge responsibility. Subs know how they're supposed to be treated, so when that trust is violated or betrayed they usually leave. It's their right to do so. And although it may not seem like it on the surface, the dom/sub relationship is a mutual one. A true sub will eventually find a true dom, so if someone who is naturally submissive is with someone who isn't into the dominance thing, they'll eventually find someone who is. So submitting to a partner who doesn't want it is kind of a moot point. Being submissive can be instinctive for some females, because most of us were raised that way. But I don't think it's in the sense that you're talking about. It's an iffy subject, and I'm trying to word it correctly. Women are naturally the weaker sex. We tend to be more emotional, and this tends to make us more vulnerable. Therefore, men have a natural urge to protect/provide for us. And thus, we have an urge to want to be protected, provided/cared for. In other words, for most women, our strongest urge is to nurture. For most men, their strongest urge is to protect and provide. So even if we do hold positions of power in our careers/daily lives, we still on some level want to be cared for and protected. However, these primal urges should never be mistaken for a woman wanting to be controlled by a man. That's something entirely different. Those urges are brought about for very different reasons.

And no one should assume that every woman wants to be dominated and they just don't know it. In fact, only the tragically misinformed assume this. Again, a very high level of trust must be involved. It's not just about having someone that carries out your every demand while you do whatever the hell you want. I've experimented in the whole submission/dominance thing just to try it out. And it's just not my thing. I'm neither a sub nor a dom. There are a few kinky things that I enjoy, but other than that, no. The sub/dom lifestyle isn't for everyone. Especially those who don't truly know what it entails. It's more than just whips, chains, and leather. It's actually a relationship where there's love and tenderness involved.

And male-female dom/sub relationships aren't the only kind out there. There are male-male as well as female-female. So if you're as interested in understanding the dom/submissive lifestyle as you claim to be, perhaps you should ask from different perspectives.


Dancing_Doll
Posted: Saturday, September 01, 2012 6:11:37 PM

Rank: Alpha Blonde
Moderator

Joined: 2/17/2010
Posts: 6,553
Location: Your dirty fantasy
I'm not into BDSM, although some elements of it are interesting to me - not in a 'lifestyle' or 'relationship' way - strictly in a sexual role-play way.

Outside of BDSM, I really see dominance and submission being based on who is in control of the sexual situation and exerting their desires/wants/needs. It can be a physical thing or a psychological thing and there are definitely different levels of intensity. When any couple have sex, there's probably one person that is controlling much of the action (eg. initiating sex, position changes, tempo/pace, the dirty factor, who cums when/where). It's impossible that everything is exactly equal all the time.

I find that most women are naturally submissive (they prefer the guy to be in control of everything) and some may have more of a switch personality (they enjoy both) and a very small percentage are strictly dominant. I'm sure there is a bit of biological urge involved in this heralding back to the caveman era and pretty much most male/female mating habits in the animal kingdom. We are still animals, after all.

For people who enjoy the more submissive side - the feeling of helplessness and total surrender and being overpowered in a controlled situation can be exciting. The thought of a strong, dominant alpha male type making me do dirty or kinky things or consensually forcing me, lets me indulge my slutty side and may make things more uninhibited - you can lose yourself in the vulnerability and just let go. From a psychological perspective, I think it lets someone go to a place they wouldn't naturally - a much more primal state of mind. It's hard to explain but when you get there or see someone else get to that point, you know it. It's almost like the psychological version of an orgasm (not thinking, just submitting).

It also tends to mean more action and more dirty talk because someone is actively directing things and pushing the limits etc. and it will probably be more intense than just random sex in a bed. Plus letting someone take control and dominate you is a sexual thing in itself. I wouldn't allow that with just anyone... but when a certain connection/attraction is there it can be pretty explosive.

Ultimately (outside of BDSM), I see it as a way to make sex more interesting and more dynamic. These are the sexual situations that are most memorable to me. I've had plenty of random relationship sex (ie. you do this, I do that, blah blah blah). When the levels of dom/sub behaviour is turned up to a much higher frequency, it definitely makes the sex more exciting and intense and allows more potential for the unexpected.

As far as dom/sub and master/slave relationships go in BDSM and what that means - I have no idea. It takes it to a whole other level with contracts and lifestyle and 24/7 relationships. I can't really speak to those things. Outside of sex, I have no interest in being dominated or dominating another person.

Guest
Posted: Saturday, September 01, 2012 6:11:56 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 659,478
I'll jump in on this one, but before I get carried away I should say that I do not live that kind of a lifestyle, and in fact it's played a limited role even in my sex life. I have many friends who either live their lives that way or allow it to play a major role in the sexual component of their relationships.

In the queer communities this, in my experience (and contrary to what I would have thought) less common, but no less valid. The primary difference is that the anatomical and physiological distinctions don't exist the same way they do in a male-female d/s relationship. A lot of the stereotypes go out the window with d/s play and even the lifestyle when talking about gay or lesbian couples. For one thing, they've already had to go through the process of coming out of the closet and understanding/realizing themselves sexually in a way that purely heterosexual individuals do not have to. That isn't to say that the same challenges don't appear, for instance a dom who takes it to far, or a sub who isn't as much of a sub as they thought.

In lesbian relationships (where I see it far more than in gay male relationships), there is of course a different tone as well, and they don't usually have as much trouble assimilating it into their lives, because as both women and sexual minorities, they're trained to be good at keeping quiet and out of sight, and often standing up and making themselves known at the same time. I realize that I'm not a lesbian or a gay man, and this is just my analysis based on observation and a fair bit of unofficial experience with psychology, but I hope it helps.
Kimasa
Posted: Monday, September 03, 2012 2:04:35 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 11/18/2010
Posts: 1,356
Location: Narnia, United Kingdom
“The more a woman's oxytocin is increased before sex, during sex and during climax, the more outstanding the experience is for the woman. For her oxytocin to increase the most, it is when she relaxes and lets the man pleasure her and, in essence, take charge. She receives (which increases her oxytocin) and responds with sounds to let the man know when he is pleasuring her. Whoever does the 'receiving', gets more oxytocin, while whoever does the 'giving', taking charge, and makes it happen, gets more testosterone. As men's bodies essentially crave testosterone and women's bodies crave oxytocin, then typically each will prefer the action that creates their hormone of choice. They may switch at times for variety, but normally will go for their preferred hormone. Therefore, generally a woman will prefer the man to take charge and be in control”.

With the right person I love being overpowered and seduced into complying too their dirty demands or being pressured into performing filthy acts on them.

I can't reverse the role and dominate someone else, that just doesn't come naturally to me.


My latest story:

http://www.lushstories.com/stories/reluctance/the-school-reunion.aspx
Guest
Posted: Monday, September 03, 2012 3:23:57 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 659,478
That's interesting, because despite my biologically male body, I absolutely experience sex psychologically the same way you're describing a woman. I can switch up quite a bit, but my default is to enjoy having my partner in control, and it certainly increases my physical (and usually psychological) pleasure when she (or he) is.
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