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Why are some people bothered by a man or woman with a child or children from a previous relationship? Options · View
musicluver
Posted: Saturday, September 15, 2012 3:59:32 AM

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Location: somewhere boring, United States
Ive seen a growing issue with some people from various places and walks of life, who for some reason or another will stop seeing someone who has a child with someone else. I personally have dated a couple of women in my life that had one or more children with a previous man and i never for a minute thought of breaking up with them because of the child, so am i missing something?
Clu3
Posted: Saturday, September 15, 2012 4:24:54 AM

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if i ll talk for myself if a man has kid from other relationship mean he ll carry with his ex forever and it ll just create troubles in my relationship
i m not saying that the ppl who has kid are bad but that position not seems good to me
1ball
Posted: Saturday, September 15, 2012 9:48:38 AM

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What Clu3 said, plus just the responsibility/burden of becoming a surrogate parent if you get into an LTR, especially without full parental privileges.

I once dated a woman who had a 5 year old kid. I had no real concerns about losing her back to her ex-husband, but the idea of stepping into a "ready-made-family" was something I approached with caution. We never got near that far.


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Guest
Posted: Tuesday, September 18, 2012 11:23:31 PM

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I have dated men with children in one his ex did not want me near her child in any way or form so I had to end it not because I wanted to ,but because I didn't want problems with his ex. The second guy we lasted 2 years we made an agreement of how far I could disapline his kids and to always talk to him about it, it is just a matter of comunication.

Now years latter with kids of my own well from my half I know I would have a good comunication with my next partner and my ex would not be a problem that's for sure.

Its just a matter of how mentally prepared you are to enter a relationship with kids.
TheDevilsWeakness
Posted: Wednesday, September 19, 2012 4:51:04 AM

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Location: I'm the girl that your father hoped he could date.
Sometimes (and I'm not saying all the time) the bad outweigh the good.
A ready made family is a lot of responsibility for someone that's single without children of their own. Or even someone with children of their own.
I have 2 kids and I dated a guy with 2 kids from a previous relationship.
Not only were his kids spoiled rotten little buggers, but his ex was a little on the hateful side.
Pair that with a few personality traits he had that I couldn't deal with and I just couldn't put myself into the role as stepmom.
While I did like his kids and he liked mine, I knew there would never be any kind of harmony in the house.
I put my kids "needs" first. He put his kids "wants" first (cause it shut them up and stopped the whining).
We just had 2 wildly different parenting styles and it would've caused friction between us.

blazestcyr
Posted: Wednesday, September 19, 2012 12:24:56 PM

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Location: where bugs die
dating & marriage is so hard

add kids...ex's..and wow

takes a really special person who will take ON all the others that come with kids

it is never the kids...it is the EX's who make the realtionship..hell..(well most of the time ....sometimes the children do cause havoc as they want their parents to be back together)

but there are great people out there

& the ones who said no to your situation would most likely not be able to handle his/her own children...too

good luck!
anonymouslylush
Posted: Wednesday, September 19, 2012 9:30:36 PM

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I am about to marry a man with a daughter and I love her more than anything... He is an amazing father and watching him with her made me live him more. Yes, his ex wife can be a pain, but its worth it to have then both in my life. I think people who feel that they would never date a single parent are foolish and selfish. For me, its been a huge blessing.

"I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships."
— Gilda Radner

LillyBella
Posted: Friday, September 28, 2012 11:14:09 AM

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i dated a guy that had a issue of me being a mom....but yet would hold every baby he could and say how much he wanted to be a father....i guess he forget that they are not babies forever! anyway, i had my limit and ended it. ironic was we had known each other since childhood and he was my first BF! i think bc he knew my ex is part of the reason....either way....i ended it.

my husband has grown kids and some grand kids. i love them dearly. if i was single and dating, it would not matter if he had kids or not. i understand that not everyone is ready or can handle it, or whats to even do it but at least be honest about it, if you can't handle it, don't date someone with kids.

Guest
Posted: Saturday, September 29, 2012 2:19:27 PM

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I'd be suprised if someone wasn't bothered by a partner with children from a previous relationship - it's a massive commitment! Not only are you taking on the responsibility of someone else's child/ren but you may be placing yourself in the middle of twisted family issues amongst a whole host of other things.

Like mentioned previously, it takes someone pretty special to handle all of that - because I'm pretty sure that I couldn't.
musicluver
Posted: Monday, October 01, 2012 5:17:29 PM

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Thanks for everyones input, its nice to see things from different perspectives. One reason i ask is due to my own wife forcing me to make a decision that ultimate ive known for quite some time i would have to make and i have a 3 yr old little girl. Hope you all have a wonderful day/evening and thanks again for your input.
Magical_felix
Posted: Monday, October 01, 2012 7:56:53 PM

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Location: California
It's a pain in the ass.

You have to be in that "I can't live without you" love to deal with it. The kids will see it and ultimately accept you and you'll take care of the little fuckers because it makes the mom happy. But if it's not like that? It's a major pain in the balls. The discipline, the rewarding, the responsibility... It's all skewed when ultimately your partner has the final say in it because its "their" kid. not saying every person is like that but in my experience it is like that. When the shit hits the fan, and its not your kid, it gets pretty complicated.



kylie_kained
Posted: Monday, October 01, 2012 9:07:26 PM

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When I met my wife both second marriage I didn't take on one child I took on four and we have had four more of our own since. I have never treated any of them any different in any way whatsoever nor would I wish to. I married my wife because I love her for being her baggage and all, our children are all grown up now but we also took on our daughters two children from the age of two again treated the same as the others. I get as much love from them all and am treated as dad always oh and one more thing, We have the very best Christmases ever and wouldn't change a thing.
My Advise if you Love someone then you wont let children stand in your way.
















Guest
Posted: Monday, October 01, 2012 9:35:25 PM

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Joined: 12/1/2006
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Magical_felix wrote:
It's a pain in the ass.

You have to be in that "I can't live without you" love to deal with it. The kids will see it and ultimately accept you and you'll take care of the little fuckers because it makes the mom happy. But if it's not like that? It's a major pain in the balls. The discipline, the rewarding, the responsibility... It's all skewed when ultimately your partner has the final say in it because its "their" kid. not saying every person is like that but in my experience it is like that. When the shit hits the fan, and its not your kid, it gets pretty complicated.


Plus you have to deal with the former partner all the time and seems there is always conflict.....

One day you may wake up with step sons meth lab in your basement too....Did I just say that out loud? Oh, he's going to prison btw......
BigDaddyRich
Posted: Monday, October 01, 2012 9:47:58 PM

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Location: Ridge Manor, Florida, United States
If you care for the woman or man, it shouldn't be a problem. But then you have the selfish ones who only want the partner for themselves, which is still a problem when they have a child, because the shellfish is still a problem.

Don't use the other parent as a problem, you can always set them straight.

And the child will grow to you because it knows you love it.

Well that's just my opinion, sorry if you don't like.

BigDaddyRich
adele
Posted: Saturday, October 06, 2012 8:46:14 PM

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I've never had to deal with it, but I have friends and relatives that have. one of the biggest issues as I see it is having to deal with the ex. if there are already unresolved issues, then you become one more wrench in the works. if the split was mutual and fairly friendly, that makes the whole thing a little easier. And I think (just my opinion) that more men have trouble raising someone else's kids than women do.

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Guest
Posted: Friday, April 12, 2013 3:59:03 AM

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Honestly, I don't understand why it's an issue. Many of my friends, both younger and older than I am are parents, some single, some married, a couple already divorced (at the age of 20!). Yes, children are a big responsibility. But being a single parent doesn't define them. My best friend is 24, single mother of a 5yr old. She's been single since she was 6 months pregnant. (Reason being that the biological father gave her the ultimatum of getting an abortion to stay with him.) She's tried dating before, but the men she meets just don't want to commit. They make up many excuses as to why they can't (not ready for a relationship, going through too much, work schedules, etc.) get into a relationship with her. From what she has told me she always ended up arguing with the guys about the same thing - responsibility. Not that the guys weren't taking responsibility of taking care of her child. It was that the guys would complain about having to take care of her child. She didn't ask them to take care of her child, she didn't make it a prerequisite of dating her. It would always come down to them not wanting to take care of a child that isn't theirs. One even went as far to tell her "I love everything about you, but I can't be with you while you have that." (Referring to her child) I was surprised she didn't beat his brains out. One question that I had for her was "If he loved everything about you, then how could he NOT love your child?"

It wouldn't bother me at all to be in a relationship with someone who has a kid or kids from a previous relationship. If I'm attracted to them, have a connection with them, there aren't any non-negotiable problems, we get along great and can hold an intelligent conversation about something other than sex, then I don't see why it would be an issue that they have a kid or kids.

Why is it an issue?

If the person with a kid or kids isn't asking you to take care of their children or take on all of their responsibilities as a parent, they're not asking you to discipline or reward their child and they're not expecting you to adopt or just take their child, then there shouldn't be an issue about the "big responsibility" of getting into a relationship with someone who has a kid or kids.

As for exes, how often do you have to deal with exes of the people you date who aren't parents? Whether they're a parent or not, exes are always going to try to make waves in the relationship. And what if the ex isn't even in the picture? Will it still deter you from being with them if they are a parent?

You can make excuses all day about why you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who is a parent, or you can look at the person for who they are and see if you actually have a connection. You may find yourself surprised when you look past what you think would be too much of a burden. People have it hard enough trying to find someone who will give them a chance, let alone trying to find someone to give them a chance while being a single parent.

I know there are some people who can't handle it, and some even realize they can't handle it. But let's get real, some parents can't handle being parents. But it's a lot easier if there's someone there to relieve some of the difficulty. If not to take some of the responsibility, then to be there for them at the end of the day to comfort them and give them some TLC. Try putting yourself in the parent's shoes, wouldn't you want someone to give you a chance if you were a single parent? Imagine how difficult it might be to take care of a child by yourself along with juggling finances, work schedule, child care expenses, doctor appointments, immunizations, then school registration, etc. Just because someone thinks they couldn't handle it, doesn't mean they couldn't handle helping someone else handle it. It's a lot easier when there's two people taking care of the child together.

Many people might disagree with me, but I guess it's just about perspective?
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