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Guest
Posted: Friday, September 21, 2012 11:49:31 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 674,273
My boyfriend of nearly seven months, cheated on me about a month ago. I caught him cheating once before, in the beginning of our relationship, but that time, we were both guilty and we had just started dating... Seven months down the road is a VERY different story to say the least.

When I think about it, I am the the most hurt by all the times he looked me in the eyes and told me that he would never hurt me and that I could trust him again, and I did... I really did trust him, and then he did this and still expects me to trust him like I did before? I don't think so. Yes, all those times he promised, he swore, he was lying to my face and going behind my back talking to other men and women, no wonder he could never spend time with me. When I did catch him, he was still very sneaky about it... I only saw half a text message and rather than letting me read the rest, he told me "what it said." It could have said anything, I'm not stupid, and what would allow me to trust your word after what you did? He drove away and didn't say another word to me for six days, he left me crying like a fucking idiot in the parking lot at my work.

Six days later, he texted me and told me he didn't feel that he was ready for a relationship and that he needed to get his life together. I told him that I still loved him very much, which was and still is true... And I didn't want to lose him... So we stayed together but I couldn't deny the fact that I was now worried and still didn't trust him. Worse yet, he made me feel like all of this was somehow my fault. He got all upset with me when I told him I didn't feel comfortable with him going to a club one night - could you really blame me?? The only response I got from that was, "well, I want to have a life outside of our relationship." Yeah, how about you work on having a life inside of our relationship first? He's almost thirty, he needs to man up, admit that he was wrong and deal with the consequences. It's his fault he cheated and it will be HIM who will need to gain my trust back, it's not my fault I don't trust him and he shouldn't make me feel that way.

Well... I still haven't gotten an apology, and it's been almost a month. Sure, he's said "sorry" a time or two in a text message but what does that really mean? The first time he cheated and I threatened to leave, he cried like a fucking baby, I didn't see a single tear this time. I just want an honest explanation... Does that mean his feelings have changed?? I really want to be able to trust him and have a perfect relationship, but he needs to work at it too and show me that he really does love me. I'm so confused as to how he feels about us and the relationship we are in.

Sure, I could check his phone and read every message, but what's that going to prove? Nothing. He could give me the password to his Facebook and all his email accounts but what is to prevent him from secretely making another? I need to be able to trust him, and that has to start with him. We've been on a "break" for just over three weeks now, and I'm not sure it will be over anytime soon. I really love him, he's the man I wanted to marry for so long... And it least to me, breaking up is not the solution to fixing this. You don't throw something you love away, you try your hardest to fix and repair what's broken. I hope he will, I hope he will apologize in person, and admit that he was wrong and prove to me that this isn't my fault and that it's not my fault he cheated. I'm just really hurt right now and it doesn't help that I can't even talk to him. I love him so, so much and I hope he knows that. I hope he will come back and make what has been made wrong right.
Dani
Posted: Friday, September 21, 2012 12:15:51 PM

Rank: Big-Haired Bitch
Moderator

Joined: 12/25/2010
Posts: 5,757
Location: Under Your Bed, United States
Well it seems as if he tried to get out of the relationship, but you wouldn't let him. So that kind of means you're willing to put up with any shit he gives you. I'm not saying you deserve it. And I know you want him to "man up". But perhaps you should "woman up" and see him for the loser he is and that he isn't willing to give you the type of commitment you're seeking. I understand that you love him, but apparently that's not enough. So you have to ask yourself if it's worth it or not. Being in a relationship where you're constantly suspicious, even if you have good reason to be, isn't healthy. Perhaps it's time to let go. Especially if he's at the point where he doesn't even care anymore.


Dancing_Doll
Posted: Friday, September 21, 2012 12:36:25 PM

Rank: Alpha Blonde
Moderator

Joined: 2/17/2010
Posts: 6,603
Location: Your dirty fantasy
Not gonna lie - this doesn't look good.

1. He cheated and doesn't seem very remorseful.

2. He said he can't handle a relationship and needs time/space to 'figure out his life' or 'find himself' or whatever <-- these are the words we say when we want to break up with someone and do it 'gently' so as to not hurt feelings.

3. He did the 6-day disappearing act, followed by the "we need a break" garbage. This means he wants out. I have been here before, girlfriend. Don't think he's earnestly contemplating your relationship and devising ways to 'win back your heart'. He's out having a good time and putting off the inevitable.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you need to really evaluate what you're trying to save here. Some guys don't mature til their late 30's (especially if you live near a major city with a big party/social scene). Don't be that girl that's willing to forgive and live with crippled self-esteem and insecurity in a relationship because you're the only one that genuinely wants to salvage it. He will know you're the forgiving type and desperate to make things work and he will take advantage of this and continue to have his fun and know you are waiting in the wings and content to overlook things. If you take him back after this you will be on emotional eggshells forever, wondering what he's doing when he's out and who he's texting.

It's one thing if he cheated and came clean and then really showed you immediately that he wanted to make it work, but he did the exact opposite. His head is just not in the relationship anymore.

You have an option for a big move here - and that is to formally dump him before he has the chance to, during this 'break' period. Be strong. End it. Don't let him see you cry. Walk away - be classy yet matter-of-fact and vaguely detached. Tell him you won't be treated this way and good luck with life etc.. This may trigger a sudden 'oh shit, what have I done' feeling in him. He isn't expecting you to make a strong move here, which is why he's content prolonging the situation and doing his own thing while knowing you're still 'on the hook'. If you pull the rug out from under him, he might wake up and realize what he's losing. Of course, he might also just be happy to have the clean break. Depends on where his head is at. Either way - at least you're not in limbo anymore.

The worst move (in my opinion) is waiting around for him to decide and begging him to stay in the relationship. He's the one who cheated. Don't let him take the power seat in this!

Guest
Posted: Friday, September 21, 2012 4:13:01 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 674,273
Dancing_Doll wrote:
You have an option for a big move here - and that is to formally dump him before he has the chance to, during this 'break' period. Be strong. End it. Don't let him see you cry. Walk away


She's right, this is the thing to do. I did this recently (he hadn't cheated, but there were other issues) and although I do still miss him at times (or, rather, the companionship and general company) it was high and above the best thing to do. I didn't want it to end, but I could see it wasn't going to work...doing what I did enabled me to walk away having done nothing wrong and having not been split up with when it was him at fault, not me.

You may have your weak moments in the days, weeks or months afterwards (as I did/still occasionally do) if you had real feelings for him but you'll know you're strong enough to get through them because you were strong enough to end it in the first place.

Have some respect for yourself.
overmykneenow
Posted: Friday, September 21, 2012 5:47:31 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 6/8/2010
Posts: 1,246
Location: United Kingdom
Are you sure he's the man you want to marry, or does the man you want to marry actual look a lot like him but is someone who is happy in a relationship, doesn't feel the need to take extend breaks away and doesn't burst into tears when he's been an arsehole?

Come on, you know the answer. You're settling and you know it - he's crap, move on

Warning: The opinions above are those of an anonymous individual on the internet. They are opinions, unless they're facts. They may be ill-informed, out of touch with reality or just plain stupid. They may contain traces of irony. If reading these opinions causes you to be become outraged or you start displaying the symptoms of outrage, stop reading them immediately. If symptoms persist, consult a psychiatrist.

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anonymouslylush
Posted: Friday, September 21, 2012 8:36:33 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 9/19/2012
Posts: 738
Location: Jersey, United States
Some tough love from a woman whose husband cheated.... Decide what you are willing to settle for, because you are the one settling. Can you forgive? Absolutely! But not if he isn't willing to jump through every hoop you give him. My now ex husband wouldn't give up mistress... So I divorced him... I come from a family where you stand by your man... But I couldn't look myself in the mirror. This isn't about him. Its about you. What can you live with. Every woman is either a goddess or a doormat... Which are you? You have to find your inner goddess and realize what you deserve. You deserve a man who will love you, respect you and be faithful to your relationship. Its not easy to walk away, even when they do cry and beg for forgiveness, but trust me... It is worth it. When you are happy again, you will kick yourself for pytting up with it for as long as you did.

"I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships."
— Gilda Radner

Guest
Posted: Sunday, September 23, 2012 1:50:44 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 674,273
I literally cried reading all this.
Whatever it is, girl, stand up for yourself and be strong. Know that you deserve better.
Guest
Posted: Sunday, September 23, 2012 4:20:01 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 674,273
do you want advice or just the enjoyment of wallowing in and sharing teen drama? I think you know the answers anyway so put the lessons into action. Just coz blokes are older than you do not mean they are anything other that ageing children that behave in stupid juvenile ways; you need to get your maturity sensors working, and start realising that being old has nowt to do with being mature or grown up and stop letting yourself get preyed on, which can be fun but just don't take it seriously or that way hurt lies.
You've a lifetime of getting the fun you want and need in front of you, just start making better choices! Avoid arseholes, while they may be dangerous fun, they are inevitably full of shit and at some time they are going to cover you with it.
blazestcyr
Posted: Monday, October 22, 2012 11:22:37 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 10/19/2011
Posts: 737
Location: where bugs die
gosh tritest saying..ever...but he is just not that into you

please please...get away from him

any guy you have to beg to be faithful..is just a dog ok

he will always cheat...period

and you will drive yourself to extremes to see if he is

is this how YOU want to live your life

so many other faithful llving sexy guys out there

kick this guy out

go live a drama free cheat free life

you will be so AMAZED at how good life is once u get with a man who treats u with love and RESPECT

but first sweetie u have to love yourself

VALUE yourself...in order never to even be put in this position...again

hugs
tryagian
Posted: Monday, October 22, 2012 12:51:25 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 9/17/2012
Posts: 214
Location: near pittsburgh, United States
one mistake , maybe but twice? I'd move on you'll never be able to trust him and I don't think he's worth it anyway. he'll do it agian, a month, six months, a year who knows but he will.
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