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Im a Master looking for a little advice Options · View
eocpez2
Posted: Friday, April 27, 2012 1:08:29 PM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 4/16/2012
Posts: 72
Location: United States
I have recently taken on a new sub. We met here on lush and we talked for a while. After learning I was a Master she became interested in the lifestyle. We talked and agreed to it. She has a history that sometimes makes it hard on her, making her think I'm being more than dominant. I have grown to love her both as a person and as my pet. I dominate with a firm hand and a large amount of care, but with her history it makes it hard on the firm hand part. I know she needs to be slowly eased into it and I have been extremely patient and caring and respect her needs. I just don't know how to better ease her into it. I don't want to scare her out of it but I also don't want to be too slack giving the impression ill let things slide. If anyone has some opinion, feel free to give them. Thank you in advance
Ruthie
Posted: Saturday, April 28, 2012 3:17:08 PM

Rank: Story Verifier
Moderator

Joined: 10/21/2010
Posts: 2,698
Location: United States
Traditionally masters were trained by other masters. My first master had been a sub before he was a top, that was the way of life for him. He introduced me into TTWD just as his mistress introduced him to the lifestyle. Many of the people I know who are masters and mistresses were trained as subs first. It is like an apprenticeship. It's true that everyone in the lifestyle doesn't do this of course. Some people just want to be masters and that's all they want to do. He would have said that if you have to ask for help you aren't ready to call yourself a master yet. You should be working with a master to help train his slaves, learning by experience. It isn't fair to your sub to be ignorant of what a master does or how to deal with a sub. If it's a lifestyle for you, you need to know what you're doing before taking on subs of your own. A sub isn't just for your amusement. You also have a responsibility toward her.

I'm a sub, and will never be a mistress because that is my nature, so I can't advise you on how to act as a master. That would be presumptuous on my part and would be grounds for my own master to punish me. I can only speak for what works for me as a sub.

First of all she needs to respect you. Having you ask for help on Lush would make me lose a certain amount of respect right there. (That's what Lush forums are for, I know, to ask questions and learn, but I'm only speaking for myself.) She needs to know that you are the boss. That is an important part of her need. You can't just go into a relationship with some one new to the lifestyle and go at it full tilt, of course. You both sound like you're learning as you go, and that's fine.

She has to learn if this is what she wants. I knew that it was what I wanted even before I started as a sub. It had always been part of my fantasy life. You might begin by just talking to her and see what her fantasies are like. She probably needs to get used to the idea that your are her master. If she is anything like me, she needs to know that you own her, that she is yours to do with as she pleases. I can't speak for her, of course. That's something you'll have to learn for yourself. Find out how far she wants to go, and gently push the envelope from there. Use a safeword. Take no for an answer. Stop when she wants you to stop, using the safeword, of course. If she's really into the lifestyle she won't use it very often, but respect her when she does.

I'm not sure what you mean by slowly easing her into it. Are you talking about punishing her for misbehavior or just BDSM as recreational sex? My first full night with my first master I was stripped naked in front of guests and spanked, then tied up and blindfolded. I had a safeword but didn't use it. I was ready. The most important question is whether she's ready.
Guest
Posted: Saturday, April 28, 2012 5:47:06 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 676,012
CoopsRuthie makes excellent points. I have always believed that domination and Mastership are personality-based. People who are experienced and confident in themselves make the best natural Doms/Dommes because its their personality to domineer and lead, not follow blindly. That said, Doms/Dommes must also be able to show they are not pure egotists, but are practical and responsible for their actions/decisions. For natural submissives, their path is to find someone whose actions, behavior, thinking, attitude, etc. are ones they can respect, admire, and whose rules they can trust.

Unfortunately, newcomers to Domdom presume they can just put on the label and act accordingly because they watched some male dom porn or read a few sentences of advice posted somewhere. It doesn't quite work that way outside of Second Life.

To be a Master, you must have the attributes of a Master, which means you have mastery-control over yourself, your behavior, your emotions, actions, and thinking. If you cannot control your own self, how then responsibly control any other? As with any Art, study those who demonstrate their skill and knowledge in ways you respect and admire. It doesn't just have to be in the realm of BDSM. Think of situations in which most people panic and find the person who cooly assesses the situation and acts for the benefit of all. Think of people who daily make difficult decisions easily and naturally. Think of sometimes unlikely people who when they enter a room of other people, the whole dynamic changes and is heightened, and they are watched by everyone to see what the new dynamic is. Most people recognize the top dog and while they may growl softly, they don't bark at him (or her).

Become the person, man or woman, that other people respect, that only the foolish challenge, that people turn to for advice and stability, that people feel is awesomely responsible, yet caring and human, be the person who admits mistakes but corrects their own. Then, grasshopper, you will have become a Master.
eocpez2
Posted: Saturday, April 28, 2012 8:34:23 PM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 4/16/2012
Posts: 72
Location: United States
I don't think I explained correctly. I'm not having an issue on knowing what I'm doing. And I'm not asking advice on how to be a master. What I'm asking is, with a sub who has had a violent past, what are some good ways to show her that I'm not that person. She wants to be fully commited. But based on her past, sometimes its hard for her to seperate thinking I'm being a master and thinking I'm just another guy who will hit her. I don't have an issue with what I need to do to be a master. I have an issue with showing her I'm not gonna be one of the guys who acts nice then turns into an abuser.
Ruthie
Posted: Saturday, April 28, 2012 9:36:28 PM

Rank: Story Verifier
Moderator

Joined: 10/21/2010
Posts: 2,698
Location: United States
eocpez2 wrote:
I don't think I explained correctly. I'm not having an issue on knowing what I'm doing. And I'm not asking advice on how to be a master. What I'm asking is, with a sub who has had a violent past, what are some good ways to show her that I'm not that person. She wants to be fully commited. But based on her past, sometimes its hard for her to seperate thinking I'm being a master and thinking I'm just another guy who will hit her. I don't have an issue with what I need to do to be a master. I have an issue with showing her I'm not gonna be one of the guys who acts nice then turns into an abuser.


Don't start with a 24/7 relationship. Start out slowly, and keep your sex life and your regular life separate. Any bdsm play you do should be just that, play. Don't order her around unless it's part of your sex lives together. Needless to say, never hit her in anger. You can be stern without appearing angry. Sternness coupled with calmness is very sexy. Eventually, when you're both ready, you can expand your relationship.

Being a sub requires total surrender of the self. She will surrender to you when she's ready. Do scenes together for awhile. Let her know that you are her friend as well as her master. The most important thing is that you aren't that other guy. Keep the slave play and the day to day life apart. Show her that you are not abusive on a day to day basis.

You don't have to start out with whips and chains. Show her that getting a spanking is not the same as when her ex beat on her. Make it fun for her. Let her decide how far to go. Tie her lightly with scarves. Satisfy her desires. Make her want to give herself over to you completely.

It seems to me that the most important thing you two can do for each other is to trust each other. Once you do that, it will all come easy.
eocpez2
Posted: Tuesday, May 01, 2012 10:07:20 PM

Rank: Advanced Wordsmith

Joined: 4/16/2012
Posts: 72
Location: United States
Thank you, that was the advice I was looking for. You have helped me more than you know. Also, good story :)
Red_Dragon
Posted: Thursday, May 10, 2012 11:06:21 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 3/4/2011
Posts: 768
Location: Charleston , United States
she gave you great advice a sub that has been abused is harder to learn to trust take your time and be gentle while you are treating her

LordOmega
Posted: Saturday, June 30, 2012 11:31:16 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 6/24/2012
Posts: 129
Location: Marietta, United States
The biggest thing here is in showing trust. And being clear. Communication is the biggest difference between success and failure with a slave that has an abusive past. I have worked with many slaves that have had abusive pasts. It is part of what I do as a professional Master and in dealing with them, it is all about communicating.

Be clear and precise with all your commands. Make sure that in the beginning you are giving a little more information as to why you are asking or commanding what you are. Let her in on your thinking to a degree. Not so much so that you are compromising your position, but enough so as to let her know that her feelings are still being taken into account.

If you have read 50 Shades of Gray and think that you are ready to be a dom or a sub. Then you have a lot to learn.

Follow my slave's blog slave skye's real life blog if we can get 100 followers she is going to start posting pictures!!! I know there are at least 100 of you that want to see that click the link enter your email and follow. We hit 100 then she has said she will post a picture of herself.
Guest
Posted: Wednesday, October 24, 2012 6:43:43 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 676,012
eocpez2;
Boy, can I relate to this one! I too, have a slave who has a checkered past. My pet was married to a man(?) who abused her both phsyically and mentally. This guy was a real piece of shit and even after as many years as we have been together, I am still having to deal with his mess in My pet. She has come a long way, I will admit, and I don't have nearly as many problems these days, but it has taken a long, long time to get here.

As it has been said on this thread trust is the key and it's also what's going to take the longest to build up. Start very slowly a little at a time. Do small little baby steps and after each susccess a lot of praise and love. This is going to take a long time, My friend, so be patient. There will be setbacks but when they come along be more than understanding.

Breaking in someone who is completely unfamiliar with the D/s world is hard enough, but in this case you have to untrain your submissive first so it's even more difficult.

Patience, understanding and love will win out in the end, but this is no skirmish - you are in an all out war to win her over. Good luck.
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