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Does life go on? Even after a life altering relationship? Options · View
Geezus03
Posted: Tuesday, November 13, 2012 1:12:09 AM

Rank: Rookie Scribe

Joined: 8/9/2010
Posts: 7
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Ok..First of all, very difficult to write this and ask for help from people all over world. Would really love some opinions though. Long story. Gonna try to sum it up. Girlfriend of 2 going on 3 years becomes pregnant. We had both talked about what we wanted in life and a child was not in the plans..but things happen i understand. She made the final decision to keep on with the pregnancy. Which in a way broke a trust that i had with her and things started to spiral down. I warmed up to the idea just before my son was born. After he was born i had still lost feelings towards the gf, simply because she made a decision that would alter not only my life, but our life and relationship. I must point out that we had gotten engaged to be married and were engaged for the better part of a year. She recently asked.me to move out and we ended our relationship except for the physical..or sex if i may. I woke up after our last fight, to figure out that i had been treating her badly for a long time because i had started to resent her for the problems we started to have between us. I don't want anyone to think i resent my son. I do not. He is now beome.the best thing i have ever made and accomplished in my life. I only want him to have a proper family, as i had not had growing up. I guess what i am really asking of you people is...Anyone else been in this type of situation? I think i already know i should stop sleeping with her, but its very difficult.. I personally am seeing a councellor for the issues this has given me. Does counselling work? And finally I know what.my.mistakes are, and what i did wrong, but i am afraid i made them for to long..should i cut my ties with her?dontknow , except for what i.need for my son..and rebuild me?? She is the love of my life and gave me a son for this i can never "hate her". I will always have a deep love for her! Any advice could surely help me out fellow lushies! Those of you that took the time to read this Thank you!
Jack_42
Posted: Tuesday, November 13, 2012 3:32:39 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 8/21/2009
Posts: 1,016
Location: Prague, Czech Republic
Your main problem seems to be the independent decision she made regarding having the child but now you have accepted the child so why not just accept her decision as it has ultimately proved to be of benefit to both of you (albeit in your view she betrayed a trust). Your deep feelings remain for her, you are still having a physical relationship but she has asked you to move out. You do have a lot of foundation to build on if you wish to stay with her but if you do I feel you will have to "court " her again and regain HER total trust. My wife made a similar decision against my wishes and I too learned to live with it. We have since broke up but for other reasons and 14 years after she had our son. That's my view for what it's worth, if anything; these are very personal issues and I will not know exactly how you feel but the best of luck whichever decision you make.
Guest
Posted: Tuesday, November 13, 2012 4:41:49 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 675,782
I was married for 17 yrs because she became pregnant (without consulting me) deliberately. I found this out after our second child was born as she felt the need to come clean. I should have left right then. I resented her for a long long time and ended up leaving the relationship. We are now divorced. There was and still is a lot of hurt. I would suggest cut your ties and move on. Pay your child support and continue to build on a positive relationship with your son. Don't trap yourself if you think that your resentment will fester. Also, since you've already caused a lot of ill will on her part maybe you should let her go so she can find someone who is right for her. Be honest with her and yourself. If you and she can agree that the relationship can survive then you both need to get together and seek counseling. If you do, be completely honest with your counselor, your girlfriend and yourself. It's the only ticket to happiness. My 2 cents
Guest
Posted: Tuesday, November 13, 2012 6:09:05 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 675,782
Geezus03 wrote:
Ok..First of all, very difficult to write this and ask for help from people all over world. Would really love some opinions though. Long story. Gonna try to sum it up. Girlfriend of 2 going on 3 years becomes pregnant. We had both talked about what we wanted in life and a child was not in the plans..but things happen i understand. She made the final decision to keep on with the pregnancy. Which in a way broke a trust that i had with her and things started to spiral down. I warmed up to the idea just before my son was born. After he was born i had still lost feelings towards the gf, simply because she made a decision that would alter not only my life, but our life and relationship. I must point out that we had gotten engaged to be married and were engaged for the better part of a year. She recently asked.me to move out and we ended our relationship except for the physical..or sex if i may. I woke up after our last fight, to figure out that i had been treating her badly for a long time because i had started to resent her for the problems we started to have between us. I don't want anyone to think i resent my son. I do not. He is now beome.the best thing i have ever made and accomplished in my life. I only want him to have a proper family, as i had not had growing up. I guess what i am really asking of you people is...Anyone else been in this type of situation? I think i already know i should stop sleeping with her, but its very difficult.. I personally am seeing a councellor for the issues this has given me. Does counselling work? And finally I know what.my.mistakes are, and what i did wrong, but i am afraid i made them for to long..should i cut my ties with her?dontknow , except for what i.need for my son..and rebuild me?? She is the love of my life and gave me a son for this i can never "hate her". I will always have a deep love for her! Any advice could surely help me out fellow lushies! Those of you that took the time to read this Thank you!


Hi, to answer your first question, Yes life does indeed go on.
Secondly, and I make this comment simply because I don't have first hand experience of a similar situation, I wonder if you might want to reflect upon and review your thoughts regarding the breaking of trust, I've been thinking about that trust issue, and well I cannot really see that your gf did break the trust you had, i would say she really just responded to a life event in the best way that she could, based upon her values and beliefs. Life does frequently pull the rug from under us, how we cope and deal with that upheaval will determine (to some extent) our emotional well being. If I was your best friend, I'd ask you to take some time to consider the question of trust...and get to the heart of this matter, talk to your gf and see from her perspective why her view changed this could be quite revelatory...

As for the question of counseling, yes it can be beneficial, it does though require you to be open to the possibility of change, whether that be in your thinking or behaviours...

Those are my thoughts, I hope you mange to resolve this situation, for you, your gf and of course your son.
blazestcyr
Posted: Monday, December 10, 2012 8:27:38 AM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 10/19/2011
Posts: 737
Location: where bugs die
here's the thing boys


dont HAVE sex if you dont want a kid

that is THE absolute way not to have one

or get clipped if you NEVER want kids

birth control fails....period....even if you are super diligent

both of you that said you didnt want kids.. YOU dont deserve them..children are GIFTS..GIFTS!!!

so many people out there are desperate for children

that for you both to say what..you did..wow

you are 50 percent resposible for birth control so you CANNOT put this on a woman

take responsibility for your own damn sperm

NOT one woman can make u have a kid if you dont sleep with them..period...

wow...wow!!!


BelleduJour
Posted: Wednesday, March 06, 2013 12:28:54 PM

Rank: Forum Guru

Joined: 11/13/2011
Posts: 1,507
Location: Canada
Okay, so many things to address here...

First, I will agree completely with blazestcyr about birth control. We live in an age where birth control has never been easier, more accessible and more reliable to prevent unwanted pregnancies. Add to that the many permanent options to ensure you NEVER have an 'accident' again. If those options frighten you or perhaps they don't appeal to you because you might like a family someday, then DOUBLE UP on the more conventional methods! Honestly, it's not rocket science!! I am continually dumbfounded by the lack of 'smarts' with teens and young adults when it comes to safe sex and unwanted pregnancies and therefore leaving behind innocent children stuck in the middle and in their wake - children, no matter how or why they are conceived are indeed gifts, PERIOD.

Getting pregnant takes two people. If she didn't trick you into getting pregnant, you shouldn't harbour any resentment with her just because she changed her mind. It's so easy to talk in theory and hypotheticals about what you want or don't want in life but sometimes it's a totally different story when you wind up eyeball deep in the thick of things where you're being forced to make that hard decision one way or another. Perhaps men will never truly understand this, just how hard it is for women to disconnect themsevles from the child they now find themselves carrying despite any strong feelings against it before. Her decision to keep your child probably had more to do with the baby than you and your silly pact. I think you should spend more time thinking about THAT rather than feeling like she betrayed you - sounds incredibly selfish and immature. You should learn to be grateful and thankful and perhaps try to look at her with a different set of eyes and see the amount of courage it must have taken to bring your son into this world, a child that was conceived out of love. Yes, I get it that life may not be easy or the timing suck or you may not be in the perfect situation to have the family you dreamed of but that doesn't make it right to treat her the way you have or place all the blame on her.

Everything happens for a reason and the minute you learn to accept this and believe it, your world will open up and change for the better.

As for sleeping with her but not actually being with her, this infuriates me actually. You say she's the love of your life but you can't marry her? It sounds like another classic case of 'having your cake and eating it too'. Seriously??? I'm very happy to hear that you now see your son for the beautiful and precious gift that he is despite your original wish to have him terminated. It also sounds like you also have come to appreciate your girlfriend as the wonderful vessel with which all of that was possible. AMEN! At the same time, your actions at this moment appear to be more like you're just taking advantage of her and the situation and not making any kind of real commitment to her and your son. You said you wanted your child to have more of a family than you did and yet I don't hear you doing much to ensure he has a better childhood than you did.

YES, go to counselling and work on yourself - I'm a HUGE fan of therapists and counselling to help better oneself BUT be sure to make a point of taking a very hard and serious look at your life, your child's life, what you want for him and what will be best for him and step up to the plate in whatever way(s) necessary.

Good luck.

Guest
Posted: Tuesday, March 19, 2013 9:28:45 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 675,782
I'm stunned to hear men say they were hurt by the fact their girlfriends betrayed their 'trust' because she wanted to give birth to their child! How very DARE she!

Well BOO HOO crybaby for you boys, As the girls above pointed out, SHE didn't make the baby herself. I don't think you feel betrayed at all, I think you couldn't keep your dick in your pants, had your fun, then got angry because you didn't want to deal with the consequences your partner decided to deal with - A LIFE.

You have just become fathers and you are whining and feeling sorry for yourself because you feel betrayed? Take a look at your children, the way they look like you, the mannerisms they have that are identical to yours, the wonder of the child themselves, then tell me that you were ' betrayed'. Because you have children, you have NO idea how privileged and lucky you are.

Each child IS a gift that not everyone has the privilege to receive. You should have been celebrating the fact you were given that gift at all.
Guest
Posted: Tuesday, March 19, 2013 9:42:03 AM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 675,782
trinket wrote:
I'm stunned to hear men say they were hurt by the fact their girlfriends betrayed their 'trust' because she wanted to give birth to their child! How very DARE she!

Well BOO HOO crybaby for you boys, As the girls above pointed out, SHE didn't make the baby herself. I don't think you feel betrayed at all, I think you couldn't keep your dick in your pants, had your fun, then got angry because you didn't want to deal with the consequences your partner decided to deal with - A LIFE.

You have just become fathers and you are whining and feeling sorry for yourself because you feel betrayed? Take a look at your children, the way they look like you, the mannerisms they have that are identical to yours, the wonder of the child themselves, then tell me that you were ' betrayed'. Because you have children, you have NO idea how privileged and lucky you are.

Each child IS a gift that not everyone has the privilege to receive. You should have been celebrating the fact you were given that gift at all.


You took the words right out of my mouth, how does the woman choosing to give birth betray the guy's trust? Her body, her choice, the guy can offer an opinion or view, but the she's the one who has to go through with the rest of it.
Guest
Posted: Thursday, April 11, 2013 10:07:25 PM

Rank: Lurker

Joined: 12/1/2006
Posts: 675,782
trinket wrote:
I'm stunned to hear men say they were hurt by the fact their girlfriends betrayed their 'trust' because she wanted to give birth to their child! How very DARE she!

Well BOO HOO crybaby for you boys, As the girls above pointed out, SHE didn't make the baby herself. I don't think you feel betrayed at all, I think you couldn't keep your dick in your pants, had your fun, then got angry because you didn't want to deal with the consequences your partner decided to deal with - A LIFE.

You have just become fathers and you are whining and feeling sorry for yourself because you feel betrayed? Take a look at your children, the way they look like you, the mannerisms they have that are identical to yours, the wonder of the child themselves, then tell me that you were ' betrayed'. Because you have children, you have NO idea how privileged and lucky you are.

Each child IS a gift that not everyone has the privilege to receive. You should have been celebrating the fact you were given that gift at all.




I couldn't agree more. With your attitude and childish pathetic whinges you are not worthy of even calling yourself fathers. You have received a gift, and like Trinket said, a gift that not everybody has the privilege to receive so instead of being a bunch of selfish pratts, get on with life enjoying and treasuring your gift.
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