So I have a 17 year old daughter, she is my youngest. Her older siblings were allowed to have their boyfriends and girlfriends stay over on occassion or to stay at their house. This was when I was a single mom. I am not married to a VERY straightlaced man...and he doesn't believe in that kind of thing. So here is my question...why is it wrong to allow her to stay over at her boyfriend's house but not over at her lesbian friend's house? But he doesn't see it as the same thing.
I would welcome people's views on this. Is he being terribly niave to think that nothing will happen at the girl's house or do you think he is just narrow minded?
By the way, I know that several people will not agree with my allowing me older teens sleepovers but that is not what this is about...I am trying to figure out my husband's thought process and yes I have asked him, all he will say is it's not the same.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. ~Swami X
IVY...He may be thinking of possible legal implications. He may see a different level of maturity in your daughter than you do. "Family reputation" maybe becoming questionable as sooner or later the word WILL get out that you permitted/encouraged this. And I'm assuming you aren't naive enough to think "nothing is gonna happen".
NOW...I commend you for wanting to let/keep your girl at home in a "safe" place.
Family reputation....not the issue as we recently moved to new town and the sleepovers didn't happen regularly, actually were quite rare.
What do you mean legal ramifications? Where I live the same laws apply whether or not it is a gay or straight interaction.
No I know things are happening as my kids and I talk openly and they know they can come to me about anything.
I honestly think he is just stuck on the whole boy/girl issue because he won't let her spend the night at her friend's house and that boy is flaming gay but has no problem with her staying with her lesbian friends.
Thanks, for you input Snoop.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. ~Swami X
IVY...whether or not you are new in town has no bearing. I'm kinda/sorta taking the position that your family has a "good" reputation UNTIL you prove otherwise. It is on the same premise of "Innocent UNTIL proven guilty" thing.
Legal ramifications had more to do with age of consent for sexual activities. There was nothing to indicate a straight/gay issue in your original posting. Delinquency of minor...that sort of stuff. I'm NOT familiar with the law on those kind of issues.
Again...I applaud you for having such an open relationship whereby your daughter can talk to you about "anything". But please be aware that other people might NOT consider that appropriate and would not want their children exposed to such an environment.
Best of luck to you!!
So we're clear: Your husband doesn't want your daughter (not his daughter) having sleepovers with boys she is dating but is okay with her staying with her female friend (who happens to be a lesbian but with whom she is not in a relationship). Please correct me if I have misunderstood.
I don't think he's being narrow-minded but that he's making a few assumptions, mainly that your daughter is heterosexual. That's certainly the impression I got from your, albeit brief, OP. Therefore, he just sees this as a regular sleepover with a friend. She's not dating this girl and so he has no reason to believe that this would lead to anything sexual.
If he's also against her sleeping over with boys who she is not dating (i.e. boy friends rather than boyfriends) then there are double standards at play and I disagree with his stance. It may just be that he is a bit old-fashioned like that.
A lesbian friend and a boyfriend are not the same thing; I'll agree with him there. I think you should press him to explain his reasoning behind his objections. Also, if I'm right in thinking that this is not his daughter, then you can stand firm as her mother and make clear that it is your decision. Argue that it is very unfair on your daughter that she is being treated differently from her elder siblings.
Clum, you are correct. He is assuming that she is hetero which is unrealistic because we have several people in our family that are gay or bi. He is also assuming that there has to be a romantic relationship in order for there to be sex because he believes they are not separate. And yes he is not her father.
Snoop, I understand what you are saying. When the kids start dating someone I have always, and now we, meet the parents and discuss boundaries, etc. Every time it has been the other parents that bring up sleepovers and being ok with it. I have worked in community corrections for years and am very familiar with our laws around that. But you are correct that that is a concern.
I do appreciate everyone's insight and feedback. Thank you.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. ~Swami X
I'm not really one for stopping teens from doing stuff because they will find a way to do it anyway. I know I sure did. The more you tell someone no, the more they want to do something, especially teens.
But if I try to think the way your husband might be thinking I would say that he might be trying to protect your daughter somehow. Yes its naive to think that stopping her from sleeping over will get her to not have sex with this boy... In fact it might encourage sneaking around and the teens will have less time and might even be more inclined to not use a condom. Which brings me to what might be his main concern. He might view it like he doesn't want your daughter to accidentally get pregnant at her age. Sleepovers and being able to do whatever all night might lead to an un-planned pregnancy. He is probably not concerned about this with the lesbian friend (obviously). You also have to think that sometimes men can sniff out certain things in other men that woman can't. Maybe its more about this particular boy than boys in general.
I would assume he think that his ... step-daughter isn't a lesbian. But doesn't want her having sex with her bf.
I would think.
Honestly, if I was a father. I wouldn't let my daughter sleep over at her boyfriends house.
"Do you want to live to work or work to live"
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing"
"Always hold you head up high, never come off weak"
Michael
As a teen similar in age to your daughter, I think the most important thing is not to restrict her too much - we do fight back against boundaries, that's for sure.
I have always felt that my mum has, and still does, a pretty good job of it, she had reasonable rules on what was allowed and what wasn't allowed; I wasn't allowed upstairs, in my room, doors closed with boys until I was at the legal age of consent, I didn't have a boyfriend stay in my room overnight til I was 17, etc. She was also able to trust that she'd put enough sense into me to know what to do, and what not to do.
Because I always felt that she was fair and reasonable.. and because we had mutual respect and trust for each other, I never went too far off the beaten track, and I certainly never disrespected her rules within the house - regardless of whether she was home for the weekend or not.
Sure, I did a few things with a few people I regret, but I was never stupid enough to put myself in a compromising position, and I've learnt from my mistakes.
Another thing to remember... most teens do go through a bi-curious stage, maybe your daughter never will go through that stage, but your partner should understand that it's natural, commonplace and part of growing up and understanding who you really are - and who you want to be.
Good luck!
I am sorry to have to be the bearer of bad news, but I think the bottom line here is he does not trust your daughter.
Let's face it: if she is sleeping with someone, regardless of gender, the decision to engage or to not engage in sex is purely hers.
As to the final decision whether to allow it or not, you probably know your daughter far better than he does. That should be your guide. If you and he disagree, that is an entirely different thing that has to be sorted out separately from involving the child.
"There's only three tempos: slow, medium and fast. When you get between in the cracks, ain't nuthin' happenin'." Ben Webster
I agree he doesn't trust her and that ultimately this is my decision....however, my question is more about why is it ok in his mind for her to sleep over with a lesbian but not a boy, even a gay boy?? Sex is sex. And his fear is not that she will necessarily get pregnant but that she will be having sex period. It just seems closed minded on many levels to me and presumptuous that he assumes she won't be having sex with a girl or that she will lie about a boy being gay.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. ~Swami X
Seems to me as if you and he are playing out a line from Cool Hand Luke: "What we have here is a failure to communicate."
You guys need to discuss it openly. Of course, that is always easier said than done.
"There's only three tempos: slow, medium and fast. When you get between in the cracks, ain't nuthin' happenin'." Ben Webster
I have tried to discuss it openly. He won't. He refuses to explain his line of thinking on anything. He expects me to just accept it and adjust. He lives in a black and white box whereas I am more shades of gray and no box.
Trust me, folks, I am the most communicative person you could ever meet. I have no qualms about asking questions or calling someone out on their bullshit. He knew me for 8 years before we married. Nothing about my parenting style should come as a shock to him.
LB: yes straight-laced and religious...homophobic I have accued him of several times but he denies it. I am bisexual and he refuses to acknowledge it (just as our daughter can stay with lesbian friends but not boys, he has no problem with my going away for a weekend with the girls but would flip out if I suggested I go away with one or more of my guy friends). We also have a son that is openly gay and one that is bi-sexual. I have a brother and a sister that are gay. If he is homophobic, he married into the wrong family.
I really believe it comes to down to this: boy/girl sleepovers, even platonic, are a no-no regardless of the relationship status. He doesn't think in terms of g/g sex or b/b sex. He really doesn't.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. ~Swami X
'Homophobic'....a phobia. A person can't actually have a phobia without some kind of bad association with the thing in question. In most cases, it's usually just a lack of education/knowledge on the subject in the early stages of a person's life. I mean, I didn't 'understand' being gay until I had a close, gay friend who talked it all through with me, admittedly I never had anything against gays, I just didn't have a proper understanding of it.
To an extent, I think you have to pity 'homophobes' as, more often than not, it really is just an inability to understand it.
It's a difficult one in your situation, he may feel he isn't able to discuss it with you for fear of offending you with regards to members of your family being gay/bisexual (including yourself, as you stated). If, even after reassuring him you won't take offence and trying to have a chat with him about it, he won't accept it as 'ok' there isn't really much you can do except to decide how you feel about the situation and go from there...
I wish you all the best, B
For me, there are lots of things to consider. I'd probably not allow my daughter to sleep at some guys house. Not at anytime while she lived under my roof. Call me old fashioned. But if she wants to sleep with anyone she's going to have to do it like everyone else does. By sneaking around behind my back!
Also, I don't allow either of my kids to sleep at someone's house if I don't know their parents. At least to some degree. As a parent it's my job to keep my kids safe. Sending them off to be under the temporary supervision of some mom and dad that I don't know ain't gonna happen.
As far as him being ok with your daughter sleeping at a lesbian's house. It is a bit different. Yes, sex is sex. But your daughter has no chance of getting pregnant from the lesbian. Huge difference. Getting knocked up at the boyfriend's house is life altering to the NTH degree.
When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser. Socrates My children are too young to put me in this situation, but I know that when I was young (and it's not the same thing) I had been out and got drunk one time... My parents said that they would rather that I had my friends over to the house if we were going to drink etc...
It actually worked out pretty well - we'd be under the not too close eye of my parents, which kept us safe...
As for staying over with boys - my mother forced me to go on the pill when I was 16 (she got pregnant with me when she was 15, so I guess that she was paranoid in case I did the same)
I would never force my girls to do anything like that, rather teach them right from wrong, how to be safe...
Realistically, kids will do what they are going to do and the best you can do is be there to support them...
Poizen, I do think I would have an issue with my S.O. treating my child differently from their own - that's really the only problem I would have...
(lol, sorry, I guess I've kind of diverted from teh original question...)
One thing you didnt say or maybe I missed it but "How old is her BF"? Does he live with his parents? Will they be there?
If he is much older than her, than I would be against it and would understand his feelings.
As a mother of 3 daughters, I have allowed my girls to have boys (and girls) stay overnight, but I did know the boys and their families and trusted them. Now I am not naive to think that nothing could happen but if they want to have sex they are going to do it either way. Some may say this makes me a bad mom, but I think it just makes me a realistic one. And I also trust my girls and they have always been very open with me about sex and who they have been with.
But back to your situation, she is "your daughter"!! The decision is yours not his. I can understand his feelings to a point, that he doesnt think your daughter has any desire to be with a girl so he feels more comfortable with her staying with a lesbian. How would he feel about it if your daughter was bi curious? Would that change anything for him?
You stated that he is "not straightlaced", but seems like maybe he is.
Nikki, he is very straitlaced, I must have had a typo.
Her bf is her age, yes his parents would be there, I do know them and therefore would prefer them to stay at my house.
Yeh, she is my daughter and he married into this family so he needs to get over himself. Would he feel differently if she were bi curious? Who knows. He has no problem with me going away for a weekend with the girls. I honestly don't think he thinks in terms of same sex sex.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. ~Swami X
