You.
I need you
You're my everything
I need you
Everything is beautiful with you
I need you
Life has a better hue
I need you
I love you
You're my life, my love, my everything
But to you
I am nothing
You don't need me
You don't want me
If our love
Was requited
Life would be perfect
Life would be bliss
Never have I felt pain like this
I love you
I need you
One sweet kiss
Would render me this:
Loved
By you
My love, my darling
Everything is beautiful now.
Some pointers on structure etc would be much appreciated.
Thanks. I've always been somewhat afraid of poetry, so I've never really done it. I'm guessing that the punctuation is something that a few people struggle with in poetry. I'll bear your advice in mind, if there's ever a next time.
The emotions are there but the rhythm and pace read more like prose than poetry, just my opinion. Poetry doesn't need to rhyme, of course, but rhythm is very important. Read the poem outloud and see where the natural breathing/stopping points are. You seem to rush and gush what you're saying. As said, punctuation and line breaks can help with guiding a reader to the rhythm you want to establish. Also I might suggest not to try to force the rhyme when the words don't quite fit, as in "hue" and "you". Try something like "To you, I am nothing, but one sweet kiss changes all..." and go from there. Good luck on it.
